Relationship not going so great - LONG post

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by MovieMan84, Oct 29, 2005.

  1. MovieMan84

    MovieMan84 Here we go

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    Super-long post – cliffs at the bottom, but please read the whole thing if you’ve got a few minutes.:bigthumb:
    Introduction
    Alright OT, I’ve been posting off and on in this forum for a little over 2 years and now I’m here to seek the sage yet often harsh wisdom that this forum has to offer. This will not be a short post, and admittedly, a good bit of my reason for writing this is to organize my own thoughts so I might act for myself. However, if you’re up for a longish read and you want to chip in your two cents, I won’t say no :). I seek this sort of semi-anonymous place because none of you has formed opinions of my relationship in the same way that my real-world friends have done, so I think that the analysis of some random person on the internet might be more useful because it might be less colored by preconceived notions.

    Back story/history
    My girlfriend and I are both 21-year-old college students, we’re both in the fourth year of engineering programs at different schools in the same city, and we just celebrated our third year together as a couple a few weeks ago. We knew each other all through high school and since we’ve been dating, we’ve found that we each kind of wanted to ask each other out in high school but didn’t quite know how. Despite each of our friends’ efforts to set us up, we resisted all through high school, but after a few months away from home we kinda realized that something was going on, so a little over three years ago, I managed to squeak out an apprehensive “I love you”, and as they say, the rest is history. The past three years (save for the description below) have been absofuckinglutely outstanding in most every way. We’ve had our arguments, and we’ve upset each other, and we’ve made little mistakes, but at the end of the day, this thing always feels special, and we always get through the problems we start.

    My problems with the relationship
    I’m sure some of you have been around senior engineering majors, and I’m sure some of you have been around ridiculous overachievers who put way too many things on their plate and feel personally accountable for seeing all of them to utter success. The woman I am dating is both. As a result, she often has little free time to spend on our relationship. I understand this wholeheartedly and I support her decisions on how to spend her free time. We live a few miles apart, but we both have cars, so we’re able to see each other a couple times a week anyway on average, and under ideal circumstances maybe it’s more like 4 or 5 times a week that we’ll get to do something. None of this is a problem to me.

    My issues are with the following behaviors: she has the ability to forget I exist for a couple days at a time and at the end of it she’ll go on about how much she missed me. These words are often heartwarming but usually contradict her actions (about once every other week on average she’ll go two days without saying a word to me, basically she won’t return AIMs or cell calls, even just to say good night). After a conversation that goes something like “I missed you a lot and I’ve been thinking about you and we should do something tonight”, I’ll sometimes go over and she quite literally will not touch me. In months and years past, I’ve relied on the wonderful and fulfilling physical aspect of the relationship to keep me happy with things, even if the relationships emotional or intellectual fulfillment isn’t at its highest. Anymore however, it seems that our conversations are often limited to how our respective days went, how busy we are, and how it would be nice if we could spend more time together. To add to that, most of my time spent with her is also spent with her floor. They’re a great group of people, many of whom I consider friends in their own rights, but it seems that the balance between hanging out with them and spending time alone has swung to the former quite heavily. In addition to this, she is a senior engineering major, is an officer of two or three clubs on campus, and does lead a pretty active social life with the kids she lives with. To sum up my complaints – I feel an emotional detachment from this woman who I’ve grown to know very closely over the past three years of our relationship and maybe five or six years of friendship before that. We used to talk on AIM and/or see each other often, and conversations would often end up pointed at all sorts of rather deep topics (our own takes on our own and each others’ Christian faith, multivariable calculus, Jungian psychology, our respective engineering disciplines, her skills in physics, my skills as a programmer, and our futures (immediate and slightly longer-term) together were all favorites). Recently, I’m lucky if I talk to her for fifteen minutes out of most days, and when I do see her, it seems that the relationship doesn’t run as deeply anyway. This coupled with the near-total disappearance of the physical side of things makes me a sad panda, if you will. I should probably note that the physical relationship that I’m talking about is a celibate one: as Christians and as paranoid soon-to-be young professionals, we’ve decided that sex is too risky and too immoral a choice. Physical affection, then, may be different from what many of you experience and share with your significant others, but I consider it highly important nonetheless, and it’s something that we both enjoy with a great deal of passion under happier circumstances.

    My call for advice
    I’ve put a lot of thought into just ending this relationship now, cutting my losses, and moving on. Then I read a thread like the “what do you miss about your ex S.O. thread” here, and hear stories about how most of my friends have been striking out recently, and I realize that what I have is pretty damn special. To be fair, the remaining physical side of our relationship still keeps me interested – there’s as much passion as ever before except it only sees itself being expressed a couple times a month at the most as opposed to a few times a week as I would likely prefer. I’ve brought some of these things up, and I’ve told her that I feel our conversations could stand to be deeper, and that I feel somewhat marginalized sometimes, but in the week and change since that conversation I haven’t seen a whole lot of change, or anything come from it.

    So OT, here it is: When do you know it’s time to call it quits? How do you tell someone that you love that you feel less fulfilled without making the situation sound too dire? Can you give me any magic words of advice, encouragement, or wisdom that I might apply to make me see things differently, or to help my girlfriend to see things more clearly? I realize that communication is the key in situations like this, but I’m often horrible at expressing my feelings in a reasonable way, and therefore conversations that I have about things like this often come off as disjointed and whiney instead of the logical presentation of a serious issue that I’d like them to be.

    Cliffs
    3+ year relationship, we’re both 21. All aspects of said 3-year relationship have tanked in the past 2 months. Looking/begging for advice, specifically on when to call it quits and/or how to make things more interesting after three years together. She seems to say she acknowledges a problem and then not do anything about it.

    ibNiggaIAintReadingAllThatShit

    If it’s too long, either read the cliffs or just leave.:hsd:

    THANKS OT!:)
     
  2. JordanClarkson

    JordanClarkson OT Supporter

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    She's cheating on you with your best friend.

    just kidding :)

    You know, it just doesn't seem like this relationship is her top priority. If she's the type that puts her school/career and friends above her bf, that might be the case forever. This is who she is and apparently she doesn't give a crap about changing it. You have to ask yourself if you're willing to take a back seat to her own needs. It can work if you can find something outside of the relationship. But if this is going to be your main source of happiness, you might be in for some long term disappointment. Now you just have to figure out what exactly you want. If she isn't acting like the type of person you see yourself happy with, it's time to move on.
     
  3. MovieMan84

    MovieMan84 Here we go

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    I would definitely buy that except it's never been like that before. I guess the problem could be that she realizes that her friends from college will go their seperate ways after this year so she sorta raised their priority relative to me (who she thinks will be around after that). I hadn't really thought of that before.

    Anyway, I'm out for a while, I'll be sure to check this thread often though, I'd appreciate any other thoughts :)
     
  4. JordanClarkson

    JordanClarkson OT Supporter

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    Oh, that does make sense then. Just don't let her fall too deep into the habit. You can make some plans once in awhile that are just for the two of you. And let it be known that it's just for you two or else she'll invite her friends.
     
  5. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    break up with her and end all contact
     
  6. Asses Maximus

    Asses Maximus Guns don't kill people. People kill people. Guns d

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    Werd.

    It seems to me that she is becoming increasingly busy in an effort to slowly move you away. Were the two of you having sex more than 3 or 4 times a week at any time in the relationship? I know you said you wished it would happen quite a bit more often. If at one pt it was that frequent and is now slowing down, then I fell she is moving away from you. If you confront her about it, she will deny it. I dont think girls realize they do it. They pass it off as being too busy, but the real fact is she is subconsiously pushing you away. Sorry man, I'd end it soon and break all contact or you will go back to her. It took me over a year to learn I needed to break contact, and I feel much better because of it.
     
  7. MovieMan84

    MovieMan84 Here we go

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    Actually, I did confront her about this, and a couple other things. She openly admitted it. Also, if I do break up with her I'm definitely going to cut all contact with her - I'm way too attached for any other way to work out...but I don't think I'm quite ready to do that.

    Update time:
    We talked at some length about a lot of this and I think I'm getting to the bottom of the problems. Basically, she said she feels uncomfortable talking to me because she doesn't feel like she understands me well enough. I'm doing an internship right now and I do a good bit of competition sensitive engineering stuff that I can't talk about much. I try to talk about work, but mostly it ends up being discussions of office politics instead of what I actually do. Apparently there's been this downward spiral for a while where she doesn't understand how I spend my time and therefore feels less inclined to talk about things with me (because she's uncomfortable around me), but since she's less likely to talk to me alone she's less likely to learn anything about me. I asked when all of this started and she said she didn't really know. My instinct says that this is a big, ugly tarp, but on the other hand she's not creative enough to have completely fabricated that weak of a story, so there must be some element of truth to it. A byproduct of her feeling uncomfortable around me is that she's barely willing to touch me (I believe the exact words were, "Since I don't really feel comfortable around you, I didn't see much of a point in being all that affectionate.")

    She also mentioned that I've treated her very well throughout her recent recovery of a pretty bad sports injury (messed up her ankle pretty good and then didn't let it heal properly). She more or less said that she doens't know what she'd do differently, but she feels uncomfortable at the moment. We apologized to each other and decided to try to work on things last night, but I still remain somewhat unconvinced.

    Current plan goes something like this: I'm not too thrilled that she wasn't happy about things for a couple months in a row and didn't say anything. I also am not thrilled that she decided to cut out the whole physical part of the relationship and make no mention of it. I think I'm going to grill her for those things a bit. She also has this habit of trying to fix everything herself and then shift blame when she can't do so. I think it's time to make sure she wants to own up to messing things up somewhat before I go to far.

    If she's willing to admit that she made some mistakes as well as I did and she's willing to try not to hide things like this down the road, I think she's worth keeping around. If she tries to shift everything to make it seem like my fault, or if she decides to keep more secrets I think she's gonna be gone on short order.
     
  8. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    Why? Do you think you will "talk her into" making the changes she has to make in order to remain your girlfriend?

    She's not holding up her end of the bargain. Tell her what you expect and let her know that you will be looking for someone else to fill her shoes, and you two can remain friends if she wants to.

    Basically, give her the "let's just be friends" speech.
     
  9. MovieMan84

    MovieMan84 Here we go

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    Nope, but I think we've both neglected some things without realizing it and the problem has snowballed. If we can fix things, great, if we can't, shit happens. And fuck remaining friends, I'm all but completely sure that the friends arrangement would never work out. In three years this has never really come up, I'm not willing to cut her out without at least a warning and an attempt to patch things up, but if they still don't work out I think I'll be kind of ok with that if tha'ts what it comes to:hs:
     
  10. MovieMan84

    MovieMan84 Here we go

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    That's the frame of mind I'm leaning toward. Today at work has been the proverbial deep breath, and we're planning to watch the Steelers win tonight and then maybe hash some things out after we're in better moods. I don't know if I can deal with it if she won't try to own up for her mistakes, but I'm more than willing to do the same for mine. I'll probably update later, but I'm up for other advice from folks, particularly if anyone's been in a few long-term relationships.
     
  11. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    You already know where I stand, but just in case that was directed at me, my last 2 relationships were 7 years and 3.5 years.

    Good luck brother. I feel for ya.
     
  12. MovieMan84

    MovieMan84 Here we go

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    I'm sorry, I didn't mean to indicate that your response isn't based on life experience, and I didn't meant to point that line at anyone in particular. Whether I agree with you or not I think your opinion is far more valuable being based on life experience, though. Sorry if you thought my last post was a slam directed at you, that wasn't my intent.
     
  13. quid

    quid I Piss Excellence OT Supporter

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    ill say the sentance no one else has said yet. you're too young.

    if shes this hell bent on pushing you out because of your internship (which i think is total bullshit) then let her go because its an excuse for a much bigger problem that she doesnt want to bring up in fear of this relationship actually ending... she'll loose her comfort zone.

    that happened to me after 2 years and it involves a story about as long as yours. the gist of it was she was lieing to me and because of that she decided that she didnt know me as well as i knew her, (her words). we even took a "break" which was her idea, which she later told me was because she thought it would be easier for her to move on if we took a break before actually breaking up.

    so she essentially took me on a 3 month emotional rollercoaster so things would be easier on her.

    its all over and its just a matter of time before both of you get tired of it. and yes you are too young. also if you are sticking around to get regular physical attention, then i will also give you a sentance that means a lot to me... don't put that pussy on a pedestal. if you are sticking around strictly to not lose the regular attention it is definatly not worth it. there are a lot of girls out there that dont mind waiting to have sex. and a lot of them will even talk to you when theres a problem, unlike this one.
     
  14. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    no worries :) You don't owe me an apology
     
  15. MovieMan84

    MovieMan84 Here we go

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    I'm not sure I buy "you're too young" as an argument. The relationship has been pretty healthy until now, it's benefited me socially, and we've decided that we're not ready to talk about engagment or marriage yet, so that hasn't even really come up.

    However, the thing I quoted here is a very good piece of advice. :cool:
     
  16. quid

    quid I Piss Excellence OT Supporter

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    i thought my relationship was perfectly healthy aswell
     
  17. MovieMan84

    MovieMan84 Here we go

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    I think you were better off before your edit - I'm planning on letting her know exactly what's up now that I've had some time to formulate some thoughts based on some logic instead of purely basing that talk on emotions.

    I'm still stuck up on this self-fulfilling loop - she doesnt feel comfortable talking with me or being alone with me because she feels she doesn't know me as well as she'd like, but she doesn't know me as well as she'd like because we're never alone to talk; and she doesn't know when that started or how it started. :ugh2: :squint:

    Hopefully I'll get to talk to her tomorrow, she's crazy busy on Tuesdays, so that's out for tonight.:hs:
     

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