Relationship Mental Rollercoaster

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by Omerta6, Nov 20, 2007.

  1. Omerta6

    Omerta6 New Member

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    This thread explains most of my leading situation:
    http://forums.offtopic.com/showthread.php?t=3478106


    Anyway, lately... since the hospital incident I've been on a rollercoaster of what do to with our relationship. At times I am really unhappy but there are other times where I really enjoy what we have. When I'm unhappy about everything (She went to a psychotherapist played down everything and was not upfront about everything then blamed him for not helping her, all after I explained on many occasions how it works during sessions to really get anywhere) that was a huge blow to me and a big turnoff. But what I keep sticking myself into it because shes a great caring person to hang around and our sex is amazing. But I explain things in great detail making sure that she understands when I try to help her out, and put alot of effort and care into it. For her just to repeat her actions over and over.
    She is very dependant, which scares me alot.

    I'm having a hard time collaborating my feelings on this. Its something I'm really not good at conveying.


    We have alot of fun with each other and understand each other well (I can read her quite accurately).
    Were reaching 9 months in our relationship this week, and I don't know how I will reflect on my decision now on whether I should break up with her or not.

    I realize this is not coherent at all, but I'm trying to figure it out in my mind let alone write it down.

    Basically if I do break up with her, I know her patterns for that type of stuff and don't think I would ever want to get back with her. Would I be making a mistake doing that?


    Cliffs: I'm unhappy in the relationship currently, but not sure if breaking up would be the decision I want to make. Is it worth sticking out or not? Am I just getting cold feet cause of the length of time? I don't know.
     
  2. Omerta6

    Omerta6 New Member

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    I dropped the we need to talk bomb on msn.. I dont know how to work this out. She pulling the lieing card when I didn't tell her something was wrong the other night..

    She is too dependant, I donno
     
  3. fray

    fray New Member

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    I guess it's up to you whether you can put up with all the craziness. The fact that she will not realize that there is a repeating pattern when she does not take her meds and then ends up wacked out is a huge red flag to me. Do you want to deal with this for the rest of your life?

    She'll probably pull the suicide card on you if you do, judging from your other post. So, if you do decide to break up with her, you do it, you tell her parents or her good friends, then you get the fuck out there and let them handle her and don't worry about it.
     
  4. Omerta6

    Omerta6 New Member

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    Shes on one of her upward plateaus now. She says that she understand her pattern but can;t fix it. I know I can't deal with this the rest of my life. Way to taxing on me. I want to help her change in a positive way though.

    Now I'm being called a horrible lier that makes her sick to her stomach because I told her nothing was wrong when I didn't know how.... I'm selfish for holding it back and bringing it up now apparently. Where I make her fall for it every time... yay
     
  5. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Didn't read your linked thread...didn't really think their was a need too...

    Relationships aren't meant to be roller coasters. Sure, they all have their ups and downs, but it supposed to be a pretty enjoyable thing for both people. If it's not, you get out of it, and try to make one that is better.

    I'm unhappy in the relationship currently, but not sure if breaking up would be the decision I want to make.

    Read that statement. WHY would you stay in a relationship if you aren't happy with it?

    What the girl does is NOT your responsibility.
     
  6. Omerta6

    Omerta6 New Member

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    How can I tell her that I feel she is being to dependant? How can I tell her this and try to fix this?

    I don't know how, or if this can even be resolved.
     
  7. Omerta6

    Omerta6 New Member

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    Updating my retorical thread...

    I said I was unhappy and now shes turning this into a huge thing and pissed at me cause I lied to her about nothing being wrong. Shes giving me the cold shoulder today :rofl: maturity ftw :hsugh:
     
  8. Omerta6

    Omerta6 New Member

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    I realize that, but she does the same thing to me when something is bothering her. But I know enough to prod until she lets it out. This is a big pattern, in both me and her when we don't know how to convey it.

    I figured she would understand where I'm coming from since she does it as well.
     
  9. Omerta6

    Omerta6 New Member

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    Yeah I know... I'm making an attempt to try and make this work. Which I guess I have no right to complain about... since I am technically setting myself up for failure by expecting her to change.
     
  10. CaiWooBlue

    CaiWooBlue New Member

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    This is one of the truest things things I have read advice wise on this forum.
     
  11. fray

    fray New Member

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    I disagree with this. I think there are sometimes when you think you might be being unrealistic, so you choose to just ignore something that's bothering you with the thought that once you stop focusing on it, it won't really be such a big deal. So, you tell the other person that nothing is wrong so that they'll drop it, and then you can drop it too and nothing really is wrong. Except, in this case, it didn't go away, and didn't get better, and now he's having to face that. It sucks, and to her it is lying, and it would've been easier to just say something to her way back when. She seems a little overboard with everything, so this is just giving her something else to focus on.

    I don't know that you can fix things. She has to want it to, and it's already been brought to her attention and she has done nothing about it, so I question whether she wants it. It's hard to get out of, because you do care about her. But, there are times when you have to realize without yourself you have nothing to give to a relationship, and you have to care about your own happiness. If it were me, I would want out.
     
  12. fray

    fray New Member

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    and now that i've disagreed with viper, I just read this and have to say that this is terrible logic.
     
  13. Omerta6

    Omerta6 New Member

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    I'm by no means justifying it by that.

    The given situation was, I was unhappy but had no idea how or when to express it to her. At the time that she asked me (just after we had sex) was terrible timing, and would have turned out really bad if I bought up my unstructured thoughts at this time.
    When she did ask me I sidetracked it a bit, attempted to make it somewhat obvious. "Ah nothing big really" etc...
    She had to write a paper that was due the next day that night so a big/upsetting discussion would just be bad overall. So I put it off.

    That was more of my logic than expecting her to read my patterns. I'm just saying that shes done it to me on many occasions and I wouldn't call her out for lying about it, its just not appropriate for that given situation imo.
     
  14. Omerta6

    Omerta6 New Member

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    I just figure, if I've invested this much time into something/someone why not try and make it work?
     
  15. fray

    fray New Member

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    because you will end up investing much more time, effort, emotion, and life into it to get it to a workable place, when you could cut your losses right now and go be happy.
     
  16. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    that's a fallacy.

    you should only focus on what you have and whether at the present moment it is worth it to you emotionally to continue going in your current direction.

    think of economics (i don't know a thing about it, but this is true): if you're gauging whether or not to scrap a business venture, you don't take into account any of the resources used up thus far. you only take into account the resources remaining and the potential of your business, starting FROM the present.

    i'm not saying it's not worth it, i'm just saying past "investment" doesn't factor into this.

    how does it feel, how will it feel... not how did it feel
     
  17. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    To go along with this.

    OP, you're stuck in the middle of a deep pit right now. For some reason, you want to try to claw your way up out of the pit, when you could easily just climb a ladder out of the pit and be on level ground.

    Basically, what I am trying to say is, with this relationship, you're trying to work your way to a place that you could be STARTING at in a new relationship.
     
  18. fray

    fray New Member

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    I think possibly if you had something great and was at some temporary place where things had changed and you realistically could get back to what you had, then looking at the investment factor might be realistic. However, you've been in a constant state of not-so-great flux, and you're unhappy now. What exactly are you trying to hold onto?

    This is one of those things that, once you're out, I think you'll kick yourself for staying so long.
     
  19. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    yeah axlly that's a good point
     
  20. Omerta6

    Omerta6 New Member

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    All good points, thanks for the insight!



    I think the reason I'm trying to hold onto this so much is because its my first real relationship, and I really don't have time to start the whole dating thing again. So there are some pro's, but the con's are very heavy as well.

    I really don't want to torture myself with this sinewave of a relationship.


    We havent spoke since monday night(neither of us has initated it either) when she said she was so angry she can't talk to me. I've found myself alot more relaxed and infocus since then as well :o
    (She drove by me on the way to the class that we share, and sat on the other side of the room when she usually sits next to me :ugh:)

    I don't think she really wants to hold this together either, given by her actions and reaction when I said I was unhappy for a while and she turned it into a thing about her and how I lied to her when she put my on the spot about something bothering me directly after sex.
    Plus everytime we get in an arguement she will talk to anyone that will baby her. Ex bf's, guy friends that hit on her, her mom etc... It's really bad, and does not make me feel great.

    I'm pretty sure the next time we talk it will be over.
     
  21. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Translation You don't think you have any other options. Guess what? You do! Besides, being single would be better than constantly going up and down.
     
  22. Yuppy

    Yuppy Have a seat right there....

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    solution to most problems. Find a hobby, friends and start excercising. all of these make you more appealing for the next lady.
     
  23. Omerta6

    Omerta6 New Member

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    oh I totally have other options. I just don't have the time or want to build what we have in terms of knowing eachother so far...
    I may be addicted to our amazing sex as well... (she lives in the apartment building across the street.) Bad reason but its still in my mind.


    I would have no problem picking up if I were to go out with my friends and shit. I'm actually enjoying this time with myself while were not talking.
     
  24. Omerta6

    Omerta6 New Member

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    Update:

    I broke the silence(Wednesday last week) cause I saw a new CD out for a band we both like and posted it on her wall in facebook randomly.

    She messaged me saying we needed to talk, which I agreed' upon. She tried to get into it over msn but I wasn't having any of that.

    We went to perks to talk over our situation. I explained everything to her that bothered me about what we had ( I was completely blunt with everything as my intent was to break up if she couldn't handle it), and she did the same for me. I suggested either a breakup or some major changes.
    Then we discussed how we can change it in order to both be happy. It turned out pretty good I would say. I'm going to modify my behaviour so that I don't feel like I'm responsible for her, and she is going to try to be more independent.


    Her part is not going to be easy, so we will see where this road takes us. If it doesn't work then it's over.
     
  25. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    The relationship is going to fail. DO you realize how common even THIS is dude?

    Ride it out though. Some lessons you have to learn the hard way.
     

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