Relationship experts get in here

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by NCS, Aug 27, 2007.

  1. NCS

    NCS Active Member

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    ok guys, i have been with this one girl a while now (2+ years)

    she has tons of great qualities... pretty, smart, fun, easy-going, puts up with my shit, gives me my freedom, and is a genuinely good person

    she is however very shy, even with me, and has tons of trouble expressing herself. this means that i always lead in the relationship on all levels, which, while it is my job, gets tiring.

    for ex, she doenst initiate sex other than dropping a very small hint. and while i sound like a total chick for saying this, once in a while i want her to go out of her way and take charge with a conversation/sex/a date/whatever

    on no level do i doubt how much she loves me or her intentions but the lack of expression gets on my nerves. i know you can't change people, but in this situation i believe that all the right things are there but she simply doesnt act on them. in other words, i don't want her to change, i want her to grow/mature. even more explicitly, i want to know that this is a path she wants to grow in and something she wants to work on, because i don't want her doing it just for me.

    i've tried everything i can think of involving patience and subtle (and less subtle) hints, and its getting to the point where i see no other alternative than to sit down and say she doesn't meet all the criteria i need but she so easily could if she worked at it and wanted to

    suggestions on how to do this/how to present this/etc? your thoughts?
     
  2. tubachris85x

    tubachris85x New Member

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    Just do what you said, sit down, and talk to her
     
  3. NCS

    NCS Active Member

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    while as of now i see this as my only option i'm afraid it will end up in hurt feelings, self-esteem (counter productive for obvious reasons), and a lot of crying with zero words said. it will also turn very quickly, led by chick logic, into a "you don't love me anymore" panic instead of a realization that this effort on my part is a healthy and good sign
     
  4. tubachris85x

    tubachris85x New Member

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    Well if you are afraid to talk to her, then there might be other issues. I know that when I talk to my gf, if I say something about how I feel, or what I think about something shes doing, she will either get sad about it, or take advice, but not necessarily do what I say or think what I think. She just listens and takes what she wants from it, and vice versa. The only reason for having these kinds of talks is to just improve our relationship, not to change either one of us.
     
  5. tubachris85x

    tubachris85x New Member

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    Its also how you talk about it with her. Get your point across in a comforting manner, make her feel loved the whole time. Dont let her think that you dont love her, show her that you do
     
  6. kackel champion

    kackel champion faces always are changing lies and disguise for th

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    how old are you guys?
     
  7. NCS

    NCS Active Member

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    26/27
     
  8. Slid.

    Slid. I'm a guy.

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    I felt the same way with my recently ended long-term relationship. We were together for nearly five years and it felt like, for the majority of the time, that we had a rift in our communication. We never fought. In hindsight that was probably due to the lack of communication, we didn't have much to fight about :).

    You learn from your mistakes. When you get hurt, you learn. What I've taken from my experience?: express your feelings. I felt the same way, if I had a concern I'd ignore it or stomp it out in my mind as if it were a campfire -- I was afraid of coming off as a whiner or paranoid or clingy or whatever have you, that was wrong of me.

    It won't get easier. Things won't magically change, you need to address this now. My guess is that she feels the same way (lack of communication).

    I know the feeling. You don't want to rock the boat. But if this doesn't get resolved you'll both slowly break-up with each other in your own minds and by the time you do address it the feelings will be gone.

    Don't drop hints, don't be subtle. You said yourself that a subtle hint for intimacy just doesn't cut it for you, a subtle hint about a problem won't do it for her either. It's funny that if we step back for a moment we realize that the short-comings we see in others are really our own.

    Take time and think about what you're going to say. Maybe even write things down or write her a letter.

    Goodluck, I think you'll be fine.
     
  9. NCS

    NCS Active Member

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    this sounds exactly like what i'm going through. the bottom line is i want her to communicate more on all levels, so thats all i can really tell her. to me , it sounds like that will go no where though.

    me: "i want you to communicate more"
    her: "?"
    me: "you know, there's a bunch of stuff going on in your head that you don't make me a part of"
    her: "no i don't think so...?"
     
  10. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    just be tactful. Do not pull the bad move of complaining about the past. look towards the future.

    shes a woman, she wants to open up to you, but either doesn't know how or is afraid. you are setting it up with your fear of tears or yelling. It doesn't have to be that way. simply avoid speaking negatively of the past. Treat her actions in the past as correct, but simply speak from a place where your feelings and your relationship have evolved to a point where you want something different in the future. frame it in a way that lets her move forward with her dignity and confidence in tact.

    "You know, you really are such a good girlfriend. the longer Ive known you, the more I feel like I can talk to you about anything."

    get her to explicitly state that she trust you or tell you the reasons why she doesn't and don't judge or argue. Give her feelings validation and respect and set aside your pride and ego for a minute.

    play "games" that explicitly get her to try things she hasn't done before. instead of telling her "im mad that you never initiate sex" tell her, I want you to seduce me tommorow. send txt/emails that get her excited about a fun new game.
     
  11. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    ummm.. worst way ever. you are going to open with "blah blah blah.. criticism...blah blah blah I'm displeased with you blah blah blah I think you are dishonest with me"

    yeah, no shit shes going to clam up and cry if you go about it like that.
     
  12. NCS

    NCS Active Member

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    i've done this verbatim. this is why i'm posting on OT hoping for help. that is great advice, and i've followed it, but its changed nothing

    according to her, she opens up to me more than she ever has with anyone, ever. and i believe it. she doesn't know how to express herself and naturally keeps a lot inside too (introverted). from my viewpont, i don't get nearly enough expression from her.
     
  13. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    if you had to take a one or two word answer for the why nothing changes, what would you pick?

    lazy? afraid? clueless?
     
  14. fray

    fray New Member

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    Maybe she doesn't want it? Have you told her how you feel - i.e., wish she's take more initiative, talk to you more, etc. - and has she told you she wishes she could do this for you, shes just can't bring herself to?

    As far as the sex stuff goes, is she just not creative? Or scared to be creative? If you give her like a list of ideas or buy her stuff, will she do it. Like buy her an outfit, get handcuffs, etc. ... would she be willing to surprise you with something when you get home? If she's self-conscious, she may just not be able to bring herself to do it even if she's thinking it. Maybe a little lead-off would help? I don't think you can expect dramatic change overnight.
     
  15. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    response sent via PM so I don't lose what little standing I have here with the PUA crew.
     
  16. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

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    :rofl: :wtf: why would you care what those guys think of you? :hsugh:
     
  17. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    :rofl:

    they..uhh we...uhh wait... I don't even know if im in or out of that crew. :dunno:
     
    Last edited: Aug 28, 2007
  18. verdiocchi

    verdiocchi Oh snap!

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    You might just have to accept that that's her personality and that's how she is. Give her a chance by talking to her, and make sure you focus on the point that you want to get closer to her and not that you're judging her or are unhappy with her. The worst thing you could do is make her feel like she's done something wrong. I'd just stress that you want to continue to grow together so you're really hoping that she'll be able to share more with you.
     
  19. Dethfat

    Dethfat New Member

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    holy crap, my g/f is the same way and im am also getting sick of it, seriously though, this thread is kind of aerie
     
  20. NCS

    NCS Active Member

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    afraid + doesnt know how
     
  21. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    either 1) Cuz they still help me out :rofl:

    or 2) the dry humor in my post was lost :ugh::squint: :rofl:

    or 3) cuz teh intarwebs is serious business!
     
  22. sharkheadnachos

    sharkheadnachos New Member

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    This may sound like an extreme idea, but have you considered couples' counseling? Her inability to overcome her shyness might have some roots in her family growing up. A really intuitive counselor could help bring some real insight and even show you guys a better way to communicate.
     
  23. R KriLLz

    R KriLLz Uncomfortable in my own skin.

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    yeah, i'm in for a similar gf.

    except for the sex part. whew!
     

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