SRS RELATIONSHIP ADVISE PLEASE

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by severedties, Sep 19, 2008.

  1. severedties

    severedties OT Supporter

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    Last time i came here, you all had great advise which helped me get over my insecurities and solve my problems. So here i am again, needing some more advise.

    My girlfriend and I have been dating for a while now (6+ months) and have had a relatively great relationship, less the last month. I have a very strong and overwhelming family, but have nothing but love to give to everybody. My girlfriend has serious self esteem problems and never defends herself. My family jokes around a lot and i guess to a weaker individual it could be looked at as shit talking (but its all in good fun) so anyways, my girlfriend who is so adamant on us having a serious relationship with a lasting future tells me that she is putting a limit that she will only see my family once a week because she is too sensitive to my family. Well, i get mad about her doing that as my family has always been a huge part of my life, and i would NEVER do that to her with her family as i respect her, them, and our relationship too much to be selfish like that. For the next month or so, i kept this grudge inside and basically just did not make her feel loved or special. She did not feel like i even wanted her around at all, mind you she has very low self esteem, i know i was VERY VERY wrong in how i went about this, and i regret doing so.

    She has an ex boyfriend whom i have never met, but he is jealous that i am with her now and he hates me. On a consistent basis, he calls her and lies to her saying he sees me at the gym hitting on and getting girls numbers almost every day. She knows he is lying, and claims to hate him and not listen to anything he has to say.

    so anyways, a few weeks ago, she says this ex comes into her work and starts talking to her and annoying her but she can not kick him out. she sits there and bad mouths him to me and says she wishes he would just go away. I do see her text him but i let it slide as i just thought he was annoying her again. So last night we had a huge blow up and we fight and borderline break up over just random drama about my family and her. We get everything out in the open and i admit to being wrong about treating her how i did and she admitted being wrong about my family, so all is well and i thought we are back to being 100% all good and normal.

    Now she just texted me saying that, she has been talking to him for the past month because he is there for her emotionally while i was being an asshole and not making her feel loved. She felt bad that she went behind my back and got emotional reassurance so she decided to come clean, saying she never cheated though. I do believe that she did not cheat. Now my thing is, i feel extremely deceived as she lied to me originally, even though she came clean on her own now (i would prolly never found out) i feel betrayed that she went to an EX bf behind my back and that he made her feel special when i didnt. I dont know how to feel that it only took one month of fighting for her to find an EX to comfort her while i was being a jerk. I admit i was not the most loving person at the time, but i feel its wrong to ever seek comfort in an EX while in a relationship. I have serious trust issues that i have been working on getting over and then this gets dumped on me. Am i wrong in feeling decieved and upset? should i just let it go because she didnt technically cheat on me (although, that very well could have been next?) what would you guys do and how would you feel? :hsd::hsd::hsd::hsd:

    thanks
     
  2. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    She seems incapable of feeling okay about herself unless she has male approval, this is always going to create problems. I suggest you ask her to go to therapy, or at the very least tell her that she needs to do things to work on her self esteem that involve internal validation instead of male attention. Hobbies are a good way to start.
    It sounds (but you aren't too specific so its hard to say) that your family is out of line with her. Just because thats how they generally communicate does not mean its okay. Telling them 'you know, you're really rude to so and so' is just going to cause resentment, but since you guys are apparently all for semi-cruel jokes maybe something more like 'jesus, this is why I can't bring so and so over anymore' when they say something when she isn't' around.
    Whether or not you forgive her for going to her ex behind your back is up to you, but if you do, please make sure that you make it clear to her that she needs to do something about the underlying issues that caused this behavior immediately.
     
  3. severedties

    severedties OT Supporter

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    Thank you for your reply. She started therapy about 4 weeks ago and goes once a week. The only thing is, i know for therapy to work you have to want to change and i am afraid she might just be going through the motions and not really wanting to change. My family is definitely not "cruel" but they make minor wise cracks here and there. She really is just overly sensitive and admittedly so. Like i said, a weak soul might take it wrong, but anybody with a sense of security would know it was a joke. I have even told her that she should give it right back to them and try to put them in their place, but she says thats not how she was raised. I have brought up the issues to my family and they have all agreed to stop while she is around but my gf is so distraught that up until last night, she didnt even want to give it a chance. We had a family dinner last night and everything was GREAT. my family was not mean at all and tried to bring her into conversations etc and she was being receptive to them. she conversed back and i was there every step of the way encouraging her and telling her how great she was and how everybody loves her.
     

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