SRS Relationship advice

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by melda2m, Feb 8, 2007.

  1. melda2m

    melda2m New Member

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    Lately I feel taken advantage of by my so. We are flat broke and I don't have the money to leave right now. There is nobody I can stay with long enough to get back on my feet, and I am trying to deal with this in the hopes we can stay togther and work things out.
    This all started so about a year and a half ago. I quit my job because the resteraunt was going to go under and I was being sexually harassed.(No I can't do anything about it because I wasn't on the books.) I almost had a job when I quit and it fell through. So I was spending everyday walking around looking for a job. I ran out of money and the SO started supporting me, as in buying me smokes and food and personal necessities. In return I do all of the cooking and cleaning in the apartment. I was fine with this and and did it without him asking me to. I had been unemployed about 3 months. I get really depressed, and all of this time I keep interviewing and then I got a job.
    I immediately start paying down the utility bills all of which are in my name. At this point in time they are at about $1500.00, I am only making minimum wage at $ 7/hr. I manage to pay them off with no help from him. I keep switching jobs to get a higher pay, and better working conditions. I suceed. I am now at a good job for ok pay. But I am always broke.

    Now here's the problem...He still dosen't do any cleaning, dosen't help with the bills, dosen't bring in wood for the stove and never cooks.:squint: He won't even do his laundry. (I know I shouldn't be doing it but he wears dirty clothes and stinks so I am embasassed if I don't. Yes we have had the personal hygine talk and is a bit better, but not much.)
    I have tried explaining calmly, and now I have broken down. I have started nagging, shouting and yelling. I know this does not help, but I am at a loss about what to do. I'm just so frustrated. I have also explained this to him, and tried to be a better person.
    Since I have done this, things have gotten worse.(duh) He used to make promises to change his behavior now he dosen't, he just gets angry. He talks to me in a harsh tone of voice most of the time now, even if it isn't me that he's upset at. We've had the leave the office at the office talk. Didn't work and he won't quit and intends to work at it for the rest of his life because it's a family business. The only bill he pays is rent, and his own personal loan, he orders takeout and buys crap till all of his spending money is gone.Then expects me to spend what I have for myself buying him smokes, and I have done this for a year now. He smokes at least a pack a day. :hsd: He also makes more money than me. He is supposed to be quitting but he still has a pack a day habbit. He puts me down in front of his friends and claims he's only joking. Maybe I'm sensitive but I don't think he is. When we're alone, he ignores me most of the time and if I talk to him he pretends he dosen't hear.

    I've told him if he dosen't change I'm leaving, he hasn't but claims he loves me. He's also gained a bunch of weight, and stopped talking to most of his friends. But the friends he stopped talking to are the ones that treated me badly. There is no affection towards me, only sex and not very often. I don't think he is cheating? Could he just be depressed?
    I'm his first real relationship, so I try to be understanding and take that into account. Another theory is he is tired of all the comments people make to him.Everyone tells him he's lucky to have me, but in a not so nice way. See the thing is I'm a 5'4 115lb strawberry blond, and I attract a lot of attention from guys. So a lot of comments get made to him. Maybe he resents me for people being like why are you with him? But seriously am I just being taken advantage of? I'm getting my life in order to go if I have to. Do you guys think he loves me?
    I feel so alone I don't know what to do. Plaese excuse the the spelling I'm upset.
     
  2. Mischa

    Mischa Laugh. It won't kill you.

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    leave him. you only live once. Sounds like you are staying out of fear of starting over and being on your own, etc.
    Take yourself outside of the box and think of the big picture.
    You have just one shot at life.
    How much more of it are you going to waste?
    It is about your happiness. Sounds selfish, but animalistically, you have to worry about your own survival and happiness.
     
  3. Lateralus

    Lateralus New Member

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    You're obviously unhappy with him and the relationship as a whole, so you're best choice is to pack your things and leave him. You don't deserve to be treated the way he is treating you. Get out there and get your life in order, and you will find a guy that will treat you with respect and dignity.
     
  4. deviant

    deviant rest your trigger on my finger

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    time to move on and find something new. :)
     
  5. JemmaX

    JemmaX New Member

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    I agree, you need to get out. I know you said that financially you are unable to move, but is there somewhere, someone, you can live with for a short time? Like a relative or friend? It will be the hardest thing you have ever done but it needs to be done. nothing will change in the current circumstances.

    if you want to try and still work on your relationship with him and he shows some sort of effort after you leave, that is your choice. but being there at his beck and call and making empty threats that you are going to leave isnt changing anything.

    good luck and let us know how things go.
     
  6. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

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    who owns the place? whose name is on the lease? I imagine if he's not paying for anything, that you can afford it on your own?

    With regards to the cleaning, many men have much lower standards of cleanliness than women. If you wish that the cleanliness be upheld to your standard, then it's only fair that you do the majority of the cleaning. If you want him to clean/do laundry, etc, stop doing it for him. Why on earth would he start doing it, when he already gets it done for him, with no effort?
     
  7. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    Sounds like a dead end deal. Time to move out.

    If he really cared about you he'd do something to make it better.
     
  8. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    you mention weight gain, lack of personal hygiene, loss of interest in hanging out with friends..

    has he seen a doctor? It sounds entirely possible that he might have depression, which could be a HUGE factor in this. Whether you leave or not, I'd urge you to suggest he see a doctor.
     
    Last edited: Feb 10, 2007
  9. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

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    It drives me crazy that you always quote the entire first post when you are replying to a thread. We know you are replying to the threadstarter, we don't need to see the whole long post again :mepoke: Sorry to get offtopic, I just see you do this all the time and I had to finally say something :p
     
  10. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Eh, valid point. Earlier post has been edited.
     
  11. nish81

    nish81 OT Supporter

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    Do this, seriously.
     
  12. melda2m

    melda2m New Member

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    Hi! I'm back sorry it took so long. Well it happened I finally lost my shit:mamoru: I started screaming and he listened! I mean actually listened. Then we talked and then he started cleaning. He is going to go to a shrink and things seem 100% better. I'm actually happy, I can't believe it happened this fast. I told him I was leaving and ment it, he saw what he was doing and gave me an apology! I know this could be a scam but I'll keep my eyes open, I'm done living that way. But I honestly think that things could be okay:x:
     
  13. JemmaX

    JemmaX New Member

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    thanks for the update. make sure he actually follows through on the things he agreed to do, like the doc. a lot of times someone will get scared you are serious then agree to do whatever you want, but then not do it. stick to your guns and make sure he follows through, or leave him. good luck.
     
  14. melda2m

    melda2m New Member

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    Been there and done that already with past SOs. I'm watching:eek4:
     
  15. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    Start a savings account and put money into it with each paycheck. Put in as much as you can comfortably afford, and don't have it linked to your debit card - you want it safe from moments of weakness. If your relationship fails, you are free to leave at your pleasure since the money to move and set up your own household won't be a concern. If your relationship succeeds, you'll have a nest egg for your next major purchase (ie. a home).
     

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