SRS Relationship advice. Moving in and fights

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by OhHai, Oct 10, 2008.

  1. OhHai

    OhHai New Member

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    Ok, so me and my girlfriend have been together a year (been living together for about 2 months) and are in our early 20's. I have never lived with another girl before her, and this is her first time too. We are both full time students and work all the time as well. Lately, as in the last month, we have been fighting non-stop though, mostly over petty shit. These fights sometimes end quickly, but more often than not escalate into very serious fights, which often end up in me sleeping on the couch, which is something I envisioned for more of a married couple.

    I think a lot of our fights stem from insecurity issues, like a few nights ago I mentioned that a long time ago my friend stole a 12 pack of condoms and it was "expensive." She got hurt because I mentioned they were expensive and she felt I was trying to insinuate that I had bought lots of 12-packs of condoms in my day, which I wasn't referring to at all. This ended up in a huge fight that continued for like a day. A lot of times I feel like I am a walking in a minefield when talking to her because if I say the slightest things wrong she blows up. We are both fairly stubborn, and I am by no means perfect either, so sometimes being the first to resolve the fight is hard.

    Another issue is the sex. With all this fighting, our sex life has gone from 3x a day to maybe once every three days. I feel like she never initiates and I have communicated with her and she claims she feels all I want her for is sex. I try to show her I love her, but sometimes if I just grab her out of the blue and try to be spontanious and start sex, she will push me away saying its all I care about. I love her very much, but I also appreciate sex with her, but if she says no, sometimes I will look at porn while she is gone to finish myself off because there is no sense in getting mad at her if she isn't in the mood, right? Well, she will get mad at me if I do that, saying things like "You cant keep your dick in your pants for one day? All you care about is sex!" I feel like I can not win here.

    The last issue is our friends. Anytime I go out with my friends, I try to invite her. She always says she will come, but we always end up fighting and she ends up not coming, almost using it as a reward for her to come with me. Now this is fine, as sometimes I enjoy some guy time, but it sucks always going out with the guys and they bring their girls and always ask where mine is. This in turn leads to more fighting between us and more sleeping on the couch.

    Now, dont get me wrong. This girl is amazing and I love her very much. She is completely honest and aside from the fighting, she treats me wonderfully. She always offers to pay, always cleans my laundry and the house, and never really complains. She is amazing and I love her, which is why I am trying to figure out what we can do to make this work. We have had lots of "How can we make this work" conversations, but to little avail. I guess I am just looking for advice. I would like to keep moving out out of the question because I do enjoy it there and half my stuff is in the house, and I dont want to deal with moving out during my school cause my classes are stressful enough. Will this all subside? I guess I am just stress and venting. Sorry for the long read :hs:.
     
  2. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to fix her insecurity. thats something she has to want to fix on her own. her getting mad about such little things might have a deeper meaning. is something else going on in the relationship that you are not telling us about?

    are any of these fights about household stuff? who did the dishes last, who took out the trash last, the fact that you didnt pick up your dirty socks, etc? if so, you guys need to sit down and figure out a plan of who does what and when to make it fair. you both work and you both go to school so you both are equally busy. trying to even out the housework would help both of you

    if the fights are only about relationship stuff, then you guys need to really think about why you are together and if you want to stay together. you cant say she is a girl who "never really complains" yet starts a huge day long fight about the fact that you may have bought condoms at some point in your life. those are not the same girl. one of the statements cant be completely true
     
  3. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    This is a problem i am familiar with. It comes from lack of understanding and a 100% wrong approuch towards the relationship in which you 'think' you are doing everything alright but the lack of knowledge of the female brain is giving you ultra hyper mega stress.

    The solution = taking away the stress on her side/equals to you not getting stressed.

    -Always ask her 'what do you want me to do?' that way she can 'guide' you into doing the right thing. You don't know what she wants, nor do you have a crystal ball, so this means that no matter WHAT you do, you will always do it wrong, therefore instead of 'bringing' a solution, let her be the one who gives a solution, and immediatly carry that out.

    You see its not so much about who is right or wrong, she simply wants you to listen to her, this is defying your sense of a logical solution and these two elements make you start fighting, its your logic vs her willingness to be listened towards to.

    "The Blame Game"

    you did this wrong, no its your fault , no dammit i didn't mean it that way, but why did you ... .etc etc

    This approuch is totally wrong, in above example your only putting more oil on the fire.

    - Don't play along with the blame game, just say to her ' im not going to blame you like you are blaming me because it doesn't give any solution at all.

    Just say that to her, and stop blaming her 'ever' in the future.

    What you should do.

    - Keep your distance and ALWAYS stay nice to eachother.

    The big danger is that you will start fighting with 'your opinion vs her opinion'

    A couple is a team, she isn't with you to get scolded and hurt by you, nor are you with her to get scolded and hurt by her, at the moment you guys are fighting eachother instead of the problem, in soccer you have to kick the ball , not your opponent, in a relationship it is very much the same. You guys need to start working together to solve the problem.

    If there are two different opinions ,for example we could start a big fight over which colour is nicest , blue or pink. Hell not only could i start an argument with us fighting, i could kill you over the fact that you don't like pink. In a relationship 'this above' is no good. Rather do it like this.

    Just keep your distance and say. Ok , you have your opinion and that's just fine , and i'll just keep mine. Period and let it rest.


    Furthermore if there are MAJOR stress factors in your girls life, then your girl is going to unleash this stress onto you. (for some reason woman think they can unleash all their misery onto their bf's :dunno:) So if this is the case, your girl should make life altering changes so that she isn't so stressed anymore. Ask her what she would like to do, and take her out and do fun things, strictly keep yourself to these rules and you should be fine.
     
  4. djshotglass

    djshotglass New Member

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    :rofl: if she's getting pissed about you talking about condoms she has some serious growing up to do. Red flag.
     
  5. kiri

    kiri New Member

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    you guys never fought about this stuff before you moved in together? that seems so odd to me. i can understand if household fights begin after you move in together, but not seemingly deep-seeded relationship issues.

    if that is the case, my guess is that it stems from the stress. are both of you exercising? eating well? taking time out of your day to relax?
     
  6. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    does SHE spend any time away from you besides work? I know you mentioned that you go out with your friends, but she needs to do the same too.
     
  7. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

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    When people post threads like these it's always good to search for the other threads they made so you can see what's really going on.

    http://forums.offtopic.com/showthread.php?t=3767849

    So this girl took you back? Why? Sounds like she isn't happy with her decision so she is picking fights over anything she can because she wants out.

    And if fighting is a problem...THEN STOP FIGHTING. You are adults now, learn to communicate like adults. That means sitting down and discussing what's really going on without yelling and screaming and whining like children. If one of you starts to get too heated then leave the room to calm down and don't finish the discussion until you can do it calmly. Fighting does not solve anything and will just make your relationship worse and worse.
     
  8. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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  9. OhHai

    OhHai New Member

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    A while ago, we broke up and for those few days I hooked up with an ex. She found out about and has never really gotten over it. It has been hard on both of us to move past this, but we are trying. SOrry it took so long to respond. THanks for all the advice its great.
     
  10. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    :bowrofl: How the fuck do you leave out that HUGELY important detail? No wonder things are going down the shitter man, I wouldn't have even gotten back with you let alone continued living with you after that.
     
  11. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    so its been 6 months and she is still mad at you about it? i dont even see the point in getting back together. i can understand that it would be hard to forgive, but you guys should not even be together if she cant forgive and forget the issues.

    i know its not what you wanted to do, but i think the best issue is to break up. things have not improved, and i dont think that they will.

    you guys shouldnt have moved in together when things were still so unstable. living together is a huge thing not to be taken lightly, and it requires a stable mature relationship to work through the normal living together issues. you guys didnt even have that, which is why things are so bad now.

    if you want to try and stay with her, you guys need to have a dicussion and move forward from the past. the problem with that is she has been bitterly holding onto it for so long, its going to be hard to let go of it now.
     
  12. OhHai

    OhHai New Member

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    We didn't live together then. We have only been living together 3 months. This happened roughly 6 months ago. She decided to give me another chance even though we both knew it would be hard.
     
  13. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Doesn't matter. You two should have never ever moved in together until those feelings on her part were resolved. I doubt they ever would have been nor will they be now because moving in together is a whole other world of stress added on.
     
  14. OhHai

    OhHai New Member

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    True. I was under the impression that it was water under the bridge (based on what she told me before we moved in) and that we were gonna move in and let the past stay the past. However, recently she has told me she does not think she will ever get over the past, which contradicts what she told me before, although I don't think I could either
     
  15. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    So what now? Have you guys sat down and discussed working through it with therapy or are you just going to end it?
     

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