Refusing to commit, what to do? OT's advise would be appreciated

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by Meblue, Dec 6, 2009.

  1. Meblue

    Meblue New Member

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    I know what i need to do, id just like OT's view on this one.

    I've been 'seeing' a girl for the past 5 months, it has been fairly enjoyable, but she doesn't want to be seen as a 'girlfriend', despite numerous attempts from my behalf. She has had numerous relationships before, 3-4 from memory, but not for a few years. She's given me the massive spill about it just not seeming right for her right now and she just doesn't like how she 'feels' when she is stuck in the relationship. So, i've lived with it.

    She says im her best friend etc and constantly calls and text's. Yes i am having sex with her but apparently to her she 'hates the tag boyfriend / girlfriend and people should just be two people'. And despite about 5 fights on the subject, she won't change, she also wont leave.

    I got into a massive fight with her about it and the bitterness on my behalf is growing extremely high. I decided i'd just not reply to her calls and stay away for a few days, see were it gets me.

    I went and saw her yesterday and stupidly (or maybe smartly, im not sure), went through her phone, the top message was from some dude she had clearly just met organising to "catch up for coffee", he was flirting his ass off, funny thing is he stated the time and location, i wasn't sure what to do so i left. I know whenever i fight with someone about this kind of thing i end up feeling worse.

    She seems so genuine in everything she says, but i don't know her motives, i don't understand the situation, i do know though she isnt big in going out, spends most her time at home, ive had no real reason to doubt her. She also does seem to genuinely care about me, we do alot of things together, this isn't a very casual thing, she does seem overly guarded though.

    You guys seem very good at this shit, your advise would be appreciated :)
     
  2. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    Run. Run and Don't Look Back.
     
  3. infinite.purple

    infinite.purple New Member

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    she may genuinely care about you, but it sounds like she's also seeing other people and doesn't want to give it up.
     
  4. D7

    D7 OT Supporter

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    Dump her and move on, quickly
     
  5. teep

    teep New Member

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    she's probably seeing other people too and just isn't sure if she's ready to be tied down yet. if she hasn't had the best experiences in relationships before she might just feel an obligation to stay single for a while.

    also don't snoop through her shit :hs:
     
  6. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Actions > Words

    never talk to her again.
     
  7. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    I stopped reading here.

    She's just not that into you.
     
  8. greenpillow

    greenpillow New Member

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    LOL so let me get this right.. you snoop through her SHIT.. find some flirting going on with a girl who you are not dating.. then you act immature and just ignore her when she tries to communicate?

    Some people don't like being tied down. Nothing wrong with it.. obviously she enjoys you or else she would not keep you around.. why not just RELAX and go for the ride...

    I don't think it will work out now.. seeing how you shut off communication for a few days.. kinda a high school move.
     
  9. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    I'm more interested in your reactions to her than to the situation itself. Sounds like the situation itself is pretty fucked at this point and I think you know what you need to do. So do it.

    In any case, pay attention to the way you reacted and ask yourself what that means about yourself.
     
  10. Osiris^

    Osiris^ Creepy as fuck son OT Supporter

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    If you're not at the moment/not going to become emotionally attached, then feel free to drill her for all she's worth while it lasts. She'll end it soon, though, when one of these others guys turns out to be boyfriend material.

    Having said that, you appear to be taking the situation a lot more seriously than she is.
     
  11. kiri

    kiri New Member

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    if you're not okay with her potentially dating other people while she's dating you then abort
     
  12. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    Let me preface this question by saying that it's not rhetorical and it's not to make a point. I'm asking because I genuinely think the answer matters.

    What is it that gets to you about being Untitled?

    Here is what I am guessing is the problem. Correct me if I'm wrong.

    It feels to you as if the girl's refusal to accept you as her Official Boyfriend is a slight against your worth to her as a romantic interest. It is an insult, you feel, to your value as a "catch."

    That's the insecurity I might have, that's what might bother me about a girl's refusal to title herself as my Official Girlfriend, if I didn't have reference experiences to contradict such a belief.

    The notion that I wasn't good enough (in HER eyes) for her to feel comfortable displaying me in public as her Official Boyfriend. That's what might get to me.

    But as somebody who does share your lover's point of view on titles, let me assure you, that is NOT the reason for avoiding titles. The reason I avoid titles has nothing to do with Emily's worth as a "catch." On the contrary, having Emily on my arm adds TONS of social value to me. Therefore, my avoidance of titles has only to do with my preference about relationship structure, and nothing else. Nothing worse, nothing more.


    ...

    Of course, one possibility to evaluate is that you are simply not satisfied without relationship structure. Is that possibility the reality? Or is it not? Or are you unsure?

    The vaginarium will disagree with me on this point but relationship structure is a PREFERENCE, not a necessity. I can tell you all about why I - personally - do not prefer relationship structure, if you want. This may be presumptuous to say, but perhaps sharing my point of view on titles would help you better understand of your girlfriend's point of view.
     
    Last edited: Dec 6, 2009
  13. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    Either that, or she is like me.
     
  14. Guz200sx

    Guz200sx The man who does more than he is paid for will soo

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    Sounds to me like she likes to be single and sounds to me like you want to be in a relationship, so you should give her the opportunity to be single.

    BTW, Snooping through the girls phone is a big trust killer. If you do that in a "real" relationship, consider yourself fucked.
     
  15. just_another_on

    just_another_on New Member

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    Fuck commitment :o
     
  16. just_another_on

    just_another_on New Member

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    I have a commitment to my penor and to please him as often and thoroughly as possible.



    With, or without a women.





    :hsugh:




    :mamoru::rofl:
     
  17. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    JJJ, it's a rare woman who finds a guy that she is super into and doesn't want to put a title on things.
     
  18. Emfuser

    Emfuser Nuclear Moderator Super Moderator

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    :werd: :werd: :werd: :werd: & :werd:

    I hope the TS gets the picture.
     
  19. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    Sounds awesome. What i wouldn't do to have your problem :hs:
     
  20. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Sounds like she was never really your girlfriend.
     
  21. Meblue

    Meblue New Member

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    i agree, which if she was honest to me from the beginning i could probably live like that, up until the other day i had no proof of that though, so i assumed it was worth the effort to see if she would want to commit. But she would have done it by now if she was ever going too.

    The whole thing seems a bit high schoolish too me, just a typical girl trying too (and i hate this phrase) have her cake and eat it too... i guess ive decided i really dont want to be part of feeding her ego, or whatever the fuck she wants me for.

    I'm not sure what you mean? :hs:

    yeah thats true, maybe that just reflect on my nature, i guess i do care about people and want to actually have a partner, alot of others are just out there for whatever 'fun' life throws at them.

    That was a excellent post

    What bothers me? Um, a few things, one, if someone won't commit too you, you really have no say in their life, not that i want to be controlling, or any of that, but you feel you cant even suggest or get mad at things they do, because you arnt their 'boyfriend', yet, they expect you to act like one all the rest of the time, take them places, go out with them, keep them company, waste your time and effort, but the second it impedes on her doing what she wants to do, you are just another 'friend'. Thats firstly what annoys me.

    Secondly, it just gives them open invitation to go behind your back. I'm not saying she is, from what i saw it sounds like she could be.

    I think she is much like you and just wants to be single, but i guess its pretty shitty to expect someone to act like a boyfriend if you wont give them that title.

    i get it, the other night like i said i gave her one more chance to want to be in a relationship, after hours of her giving very scattered conversation with massive gaps of silence trying to express how she feels (could all be bullshit, im not really sure), trying on tears, she eventually said no thats not what she wanted, so i just said give me some space and i havnt spoken to her since.

    I just wanted advise im doing the right thing, because leaving her is not really what i want to do.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 7, 2009
  22. GammaRadiation

    GammaRadiation Active Member

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    .
     
  23. chlywly

    chlywly Active Member

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    Like people have said, if you're looking for a commitment, then this is obviously not the place to look because it's not what she's looking for with YOU. The reasons don't really matter, its the dynamic between you too, so either move on and don't look back or stick around and change your expectations.
     
  24. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    Dude, just decide what YOU want.

    If YOU want a gf, then some chick who doesn't want to put a title on things isn't the right woman for you.

    But 99.9% of the time, a chick who "doesn't want to put a title on things" really just isn't that into you.
     
  25. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    She expects you to do stuff in the gf-bf sense? That is, she gets mad at you for not fulfulling certain duties?
     

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