SRS Recovery, relapse, complacency and how i almost lost 7 years.

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by i killed tupac, May 28, 2006.

  1. i killed tupac

    i killed tupac New Member

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    I dont post in here much, here's a cliff's note of my background. IV drug user by the time i was 17 yrs old, homeless, rehab, jail time, more using, more jail, then eventually found my way to NA. I am an addict, and i have 7 years clean.

    What is the point of this thread? Keep it sharp, keep it simple, and be aware, no matter how much clean time you have, a day, a year, or multiple years.

    In early recovery, i struggled, as we all do. It took me over a year before i had a 30 day chip that i kept for more than a week or so. Eventually, i got a sponsor, i read the books, i made friends in the program, i was on the track to recovery the right way.

    The next 7 years went by faster than seams possible, and honestly, the last five were pretty damn good. I quit going to regular meetings after about 2 years (and a nasty break up). But i still remained in contact with fellow addicts on a weekly basis, and attentded meetings upon occasion.

    During this time frame, i dealt with the end of two long-term relationships, hard financial times, death of a grandparent, death of friends, and loss of "old" friends to jails and institutions.

    I bought a house, drive my "dream" car, have and incredible network of friends, went from making 5 bucks an hour to 50k a year, with no education. I have an excellent relationship with my family, and have managed to successfuly raise two dogs and keep them both alive :cool: I have also extensively traveled the united states, and the world. I had even watched my mother battle, and defeat breast cancer.

    I drifted into a comfortable pattern that works for me, balanced in part by a good support network, and volunteer work of my own sort, and living a good, clean life, and a working relationship with a higher power.

    Fast forward, my mother is rediagnosed with cancer, it came back with a vengeance and no warning. I "dealt" with it, like i had "dealt" with the first round, as a spectator, never fearing loss, and not getting involved enought to be afraid. Two nights ago, she had to be admited to the Emergency Room, and is still in the hospital due to a treatment related illness (staff infection) high fevers, and potention brain damage. This hit me like a ton of bricks, but i "dealt with it" like i always did, my emotionaly removing myself from the situation. It worked like it always has...for about 1 day.

    Today at work, i find myself falling apart and i dont know why. I go home early, i cant even focus enough to drive. I have the sweats, all i can think about is using, justifying to myself. I even started looking at the veins in my arms, wondering if i knew anybody that still did that shit. I fought a mental battle back and forth and im not even sure how i got home. I felt sick. I decided to lay down, came home, screamed at my dogs, and tried to sleep to shut the voices up. I couldnt sleep. I was supposed to go see my mother, i didnt want to. I needed something, anything, to make "it" go away, not knowing what "it" was. I didnt want to use, i didnt think i would, but i didnt know what to do, i was in a total panic.So, i decided to reach out to another addict, i grabbed my phone, couldnt call him, just stared at it, like i did when i used to relapse all the time early in recovery. How did this happen so fast to me? To fall apart so quickly? I prayed and prayed and made the call.

    After much discussion with my friend and fellow addict, we assesed the fact that i had never actually dealt with the potential loss and fear associated with my mother's illness, and until this point, i hadnt truly faced it. That's what "it" was. I broke into tears. The hardest thing to do was go tell my mother i was afraid of her dieing. So, thats what i did. I went to the hospital, held her hand, and we talked for longer than we had for years. She is not dieing any time soon, i hope, but now i own that fear, and i can process it.
    I didnt use. I got another day.

    Where i am i going with this? Well, i get home, look around, and see all the signs i had missed, i had been relapsing mental for a while, months i suspect.

    My house is a mess, yet i am a clean person. I havent hung out with friends, but i am a friendly person. My car is dirty, thats odd. I have been living out of a laundry basket and dishwasher, i dont do that, i am clean and organized. I have been ignoring my dogs. My shop is a mess. My guitars are dusty, my drums sticks broken and i dont care, my room is a minefield. These are all things out of character for me, and i hadnt even noticed.

    Complacency is the enemy of recovery and progress, i had been on a downward spiral for the last three months in retrospect, and hadnt even noticed, i had lost track of my daily patterns that were successful spiritually and mentaly, and substituted material things and justifications about why "i am doing fine even tho i dont feel fine".

    I just want to share this with those who may have become unaware like i did. Know your warning signs, and dont be afraid to realize you are slipping into old behaviors, its not a failure, just a warning. The disease is never cured, only treated, and you may find yourself surprised at how quick it can take you down, and how hard. Thank god i still had contacts in the fellowship, or i might not be writing this right now.

    I got laundry in the drier, and some dishes to do :)
     
  2. Metal

    Metal Active Member

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    Excellent post! :bigthumb:
     
  3. i killed tupac

    i killed tupac New Member

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    low and behold, i went and saw my mother today, and she is doing great :)

    glad i didnt have to tell her any bad news :hs:
     
  4. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    OH man...thank you so much for you post i killed tupac! I really needed to read that today.

    I'm soo glad you didn't use and I'm glad your mother seems to be doing better. As I sit here writing this, I'm reflecting on my own "laundry" that needs to be cleaned up and how quietly and subtly these things can sneak up on us. For months, I have been ignoring the warning signs and just going about my day.

    But I've had days like you have...where the disease is instantly all over me and my life is in crisis. I don't want to be too far away from recovery if another day like that comes....it's not a good feeling at all.

    Thanks again for your post. It helped me in ways you can't possibly know.
     
  5. spooledx2

    spooledx2 New Member

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    Good post brotha. Anytime you wanna just punch someone to let out some aggression, just let me know....

    Late
     
  6. DramaQueen

    DramaQueen New Member

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    This is an awesome story...and You are one strong willed man!!! Good for you!!! I'm very proud of you..and you should be proud of yourself as well...I couldn't even tell what it would be like to battle an addiction...but I can just imagine it is NOT easy...

    Keep it up...and after everything you went through...You KNOW YOU CAN DO IT!!!

    GOOD LUCK & ALL THE BEST!!
     
  7. i killed tupac

    i killed tupac New Member

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    good to hear :)
     

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