Read this fucking article

Discussion in 'Fitness & Nutrition' started by MaineSucks, Nov 8, 2006.

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  1. MaineSucks

    MaineSucks OT Supporter

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    I contemplated whether or not I should post Billy M's article. My best judgement said no, but whatever. Read this one, its good


    WARNING! Please beware...
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    The Dehydronator

    For all of you that do not know, today is the day of doom for many in our hardcore life of training. This is the day some may call Halloween but those of us in the know....

    well, we know much better.

    I know the story and have seen the damage.

    The carnage left in this wake is some of the most frightful I have ever seen.

    Let me regress...

    16 years ago there was a man named Dee Hendrix. Dee was like most who entered the gym. He only wanted to earn his way in the squat rack with the big boys.

    But you need to understand getting into these groups is not an easy task. Sure just about anyone can get a one day pass but they have to earn there way after that. There are also those who think they have earned their way but still just don't fit in or belong.

    Dee wanted to fit in and belong and would hang around the rack until the big boys came in. He would then work in with them. Granted he was out after two plates hit the bar. His 6,1 - 145 pound frame just could not handle the load.

    It was not that Dee was a bad guy. He tried hard but would not listen. The guys told him many times that he had to gain weight and while he agreed he just could not get himself to eat high fat and sugar foods.

    You see Dee was what is know as a "clean eater"

    While the big boys would eat whoppers and giant cokes on the way to the Gym, Dee would carb up on rice cakes and Green Tea.

    This drove the big boys nuts!

    Every time Dee would begin to loose his abs he would freak out and drop his weight back down. He spoke about how hardcore he was and even bragged about how great it was to train with this group but he never did what he had to do to really earn their respect. He really needed to gain some weight so he could lift big weights. To these guys the rest is just physcobabble bullshit.

    Dee was very well read and knew just about everything about training, that is except how to lift big weights. This was something that had to be earned not rewarded. Dee never really understood this.

    The guys tried to tell him there was a big difference between talking strong and being strong but the tape measure and scale always won in the end.

    What started as innocent hazing and practical jokes grew into more lavish and aggressive activities. The guys started by eating snicker bars while they trained and always making sure to offer Dee some. This lead to tossing a few cup cakes into Dee's bag when he was not looking. It even went so far as ordering pizza's at the gym to be delivered to DEE. This was all fun and the guys always ate what Dee refused. But....

    Then October 31st came.

    A squat day.

    One of the guys had a great idea and today was the day.

    While Dee was warming up with a dime and a five on each side one of the guys poured three pixie sticks in his water.

    Dee was too busy taking it deep to see what happened and went about his business as normal.

    Minutes later, Dee took a drink.

    If you could have seen the look in his eyes. It was pure terror. You could see the fear on his face as his body began to shake. Up to this point they have never seen Dee react this way. Actually, they were pretty excited because he finally showed some aggression. Maybe there was hope.

    Dee's body began moving slowly like a tree blowing in the wind. Then he began twisting and turning like the same tree in a hurricane. He tossed his velcro belt in the air and sprinted toward door looking much like the Tasmanian devil running from Elmer Fud. The doors busted open like a bat out of hell and then Dee raced across the parking lot and....

    WHAP!

    Dee was run over by a monster truck with the words CANDY EATTER stuck across the windshield.

    Now here is where the legend gets very interesting.

    As Dee waited at the gates of Valhalla he was finally told he could not get in and would be summoned to a life "in-between". No one is really sure why but it has been said that at his height you need to have scaled over 200 pounds to be let into this party.

    Dee Hendricks has now become the Dehydronator and takes out his revenge on bloated lifters every halloween.

    Dee sits back and watches us all eat candy like there is no tomorrow. While he is planning his attack our blood sugar is doing it's thing. He knows sooner or later we will fall into our sugar coma known as sleep. This is when he makes his way into out bedrooms and SUCKS ALL THE BLOAT from us.

    He knows...

    NO BLOAT, NO LEVERAGE, NO STRENGTH, NO CONFIDENCE, NO LIFE.

    Can you think of how bad a life of no bloat would be? You would be able to type on a key board without your fingers cramping, your ankles would not have the permanent sock impression.

    How dare this even be written?

    Okay. I do not want to tell you the real bad stories about guys who got the flu, lost weight they could never gain back, cramps, and muscle tears. It would be better to just tell you how to keep him from showing up.

    There are two things the Dehydronator is afraid of.

    1. Big Weights - whatever you do only think about big weights for the next 12 hours. No light weight shit. Only big stuff. Think of PR's, how you will train for new ones. What products you need to buy from EliteFTS to help you (you have to admire that one), your next workout. Make sure if you have not trained yet that you make sure to go heavy. Just the strain of a big weight will keep him away.

    2. Pixie Sticks - He hates them and will not cross them. When you go to sleep tonight open 20 or so pixie sticks and make a huge circle on the floor surrounding you bed. Pour them out! The paper will do nothing.

    I must warm you. You must complete the circle. If you do this and are waken in the middle of the night by a vacuum suction sound rest assured you will be okay.

    Have a happy halloween
















    Cliffs: GFH and lift heavy shit
     
  2. uofapeter

    uofapeter New Member

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    ha, hits close to home
     
  3. ZeeMox

    ZeeMox Opinions are like assholes. Fuck em. OT Supporter

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    Was halloween today in Maine?
     
  4. siniquezu

    siniquezu New Member

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    so...add pixie sticks to the pepsi and pop tarts?
     
  5. Layne Staley

    Layne Staley New Member

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  6. scent of a wookie

    scent of a wookie OT Supporter

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    :rofl: I was expecting something completely different
     
  7. Bar

    Bar New Member

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    lol
     
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