So like broke up with my ex bout almost 3 months ago. I fucked up I know what I did but she still had feelings for me and made herself break up with me. So like I spend a night with her all our feelings come out, next day she denies it angerly. We dont talk for about a month. One day she IMs me at 6:30AM telling me shes sorry about so much. Im shocked dont do nothing about it. A week before this I joined the army. So like we just kind of chit chat and whatever. I still love her and as much as its stupid too I still do. So like a couple days pass we talk again. Chit chat, few more days pass she asks me about a computer problem she has (ive been fixing her comp for like 2 years) im having a shitty day on unrelated issues. I tell her to gimmie some time ill figure it out, tell her im more than happy to help yadda yadda yadda. She tells me not to worry bout it she will go to a guy her Dad knows. I tell her good luck and bye. Later get back on and not more than 2 seconds later she IMs me telling me she knows what happened and stuff, I check out what she finds tell her thats not it but hold on while I look thought some stuff, start to try and diagnose the prob and again she tells me nevermind that she will just go to that guy. Im frustrated and whatever. Find out later from a friend I was pissing her off becuase I was trying to help. I say what the fuck ever im having a shitty day. So like I still have alot of feelings, after talking to family and stuff about it. I write her this email tell her that this isnt working out. We cant be friends becuase of how I feel about her. I tell her that unless she gots something she needs to tell me that this is it pretty much and we will just see however it goes. I wasnt expecting her to say anything, she gots a new b/f and stuff and according to her friends seems happy and whatever. So today I get on and notice she is on but dont think much about it. Ive been training my mind to when im not on the computer to not check her away messages/ect all the time. So she IMs me telling me we need to talk. Im like ok but I dont want to becuase I have feelings about her she doesnt share to my knowledge. Anyways we kinda chit chat about a couple things then shes like I dont think we can be friends either but you are still dear to me and I want to been in contact and know how you are since you are going to the army. I tell her just dont know. I tell her short and sweet how I feel about her and that I dont think I can stay in contact with her becuase of what ill be wanting to tell her and stuff. So like you know on AIM where you can see if they are typing or not. She types for like 5 minutes then when she finally sends something its that she has something she has to go do and asks when ill be around so we can talk later. I tell her fine, then like I dunno I lost it again. I started to cry and just was coating the walls with how I was feeling. I ended up writing her 3 pages of some stuff. Told her that is all I need to tell her. Although I think best when I run and I went running after I sent the 3 pages and came up with a couple other things I need to tell her. Anyways I left in the email that if she still wants to talk then ill be here and we can talk. Anyways I think ive pissed her off when she reads what I wrote her. Becuase in spite of all the shit that has happened I feel it in my bones she still feels something for me otherwise she wouldnt want to talk to me, shes just be like meh. That and some other things. I dunno im getting tired of this crap. Ive talked to professional help, lady I see has told me that im not delusional about if im still in love with her or just the thought about it, unless im lying to her (which im not, wouldnt serve any purpose for me to lie especially since im paying her for her time) She told me that I need to tell my ex everything I feel about her, hold nothing back but if I do that then I need to be prepared for the consequences that if she just cant take me back that I have to deal with it. Or she told me to hold my feelings inside and cut all ties to my ex and hope for the best. Anyways hope you enjoyed my rant! Stayed tune for tonight when part 2 maybe gets concluded! edit: Honestly I think she scared she sees a future with me but afraid im going to fuck up again. Its understandable but its not going to happen. I love her to much and ive gone though to much shit to get my shit straightened out to fuck up again.