SRS RANT: cowardice

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by JohnJohnJohnson, Oct 24, 2005.

  1. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    **BACK STORY:**

    My suite-mate a couple weekends ago was drunk and for some reason became incredibly malicious towards a good female friend of mine. As I write my FUCKING PICEE OF SHIT whore computer is crashing.

    Anyways. FUasoifh. Testing. Anyways, this was a situation where there was a terrible verbal assault on her. In the past I have never been known not to get somewhat involved in a verbal fight like this. Just a bit. But this guy - he had somehow turned into a sadist, I swear to god. His only goal was to make her break. He said things that he knew would be humiliating because other people were watching the fight, for example:
    "For me to have sexually assaulted you, I would have to be attracted to you. And Jenny. I am not. Attracted. To you." Etc. This is a girl who never picks fights - she is not a passive girl, she just doesn't ever try to really hurt people. Anyways in this case I did not get involved, I just wanted to (and tried to) get her away from him. I was scared to be honest. I thought this guy was different from most people. He was literally out to break her down to tears. Eventually she left the room before she would cry in front of him.

    ** PRESENT **
    I've been feeling shittier and shittier about not standing up for her like I should have. Tonight we went out to get pizza. When we got there there were three guys. One of them was drunk, let's call him Phaggot. Phaggot was a big man - 6"4, about 250 pounds. He steps into me so that he's breathing over my head (I'm 5"8) and approaches her, saying something really dumb like "Hey. What's your sign, little baby?" One of Phaggot's friends was like, "Hey, I think you're making her boyfriend uncomfortable."

    I'm not her boyfriend but of course I wasn't going to tell them that. It would be like "hey I'm not going to defend her, she's all yours!"

    So I said, yeah it is a bit loud.

    "Excuse me?" Phaggot said.

    "I said it's a bit loud," I replied, turning to face him.

    "Oh yeah?" he said loudly. "It's LOUD!?"

    "Yeah," I said. "Wow, and smelly." (Referring to his breath).

    Anyways I kept at it for a bit but eventually I mollified (soothed, gave way to) the big phucker. I didn't end it standing up for her, I ended the confrontation by sucking up.

    I just keep thinking about what my father would have done in this situation. First of all, those fuckers wouldn't have even approached him. Second of all, he would have flipped his shit, threatend to call the cops, and essentially scared the crap out of them without swinging a fist. And what did I do? I sucked his proverbial cock.

    So I'm a bit upset about that. Then I got in a verbal argument with someone I don't know who goes to my school and began to take it out on him before I stopped myself and realized I was being a dick.
     
  2. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    I would have simply left the room/restaurant. You don't need to pick a fight every where you go, it's easier to avoid them.
     
  3. johan

    johan Active Member

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    There was a third option. You didn't need to suck his proverbial cock, as might you put it. But open confrontation isn't the only other option.

    It starts with not looking nervous when the guy threw some words your way. Just words after all. Yeah, I know, it's easier said than done sometimes, but being able to fend off intimidation tactics is a KEY skill in life.

    It's not always just the boorish lout in a cheap pizza joint. Sometimes its the belligerent senior vp who's decided to "try" and make a fool out of you or argue with you in a board meeting or presentation.

    Frankly that's far more dangerous than dealing with a stupid shit in a pizza joint.

    You can give the message that you're solid and won't be cowed.
    You don't have to openly confront, and you don't have to run away either. Both of those options aren't good for your health, physical in the first case, mental in the latter.

    Sure the bully could lay a beating on you, but he won't break you. And frankly, what's he really going to do in a place of business?
    Presumeably there are many eyes there, and if something really does go down, I presume the owner of the place is going to call the cops.

    As for the senior vp, you can use this opportunity to earn respect. Sure he could have you terminated, but it's doubtful. And there are many silent eyes on you both in the boardroom, watching how you handle yourself.

    If you knuckle under, you'll be dismissed as weak. And just as obviously, open confrontation with the svp in the boardroom...isn't going to get you very far in that organization.

    However, If you carry yourself with dignity and professionalism, that is what really gets noticed.

    You can't BUY that kind of opportunity to shine.
     
  4. Fred91GTA

    Fred91GTA New Member

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    Strength Percieved is Power Achieved.

    Open physical confrontations aren't always necessary, and more likely make you look like an ass because you bow down to the offender's level. Like johan said above, all you need to do is put out this image of you being strong and unbreakable, and nobody will ever mess with you or somebody who is messing with you will back down.

    How do you do it? It's all about how you carry yourself. Never give away that you're afraid, and always stand tall and proud.
     
  5. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    Fair enough. On the other hand I can sniff fear from five miles. When someone is intentionally showing how strong they are, as you guys suggest, it's a very different situation from when they are genuinely showings signs of a terrible, righteous wrath stirring within.

    In the boardroom situation, the conventional thing to do is to stand strong and smile. What have you. I don't want to give the impression that I can't handle situations like this in general. Especially in a social situation like a boardroom meeting, where the other person cares just as much about how they look as you do! My God those situations are fun. I have sent people who attacked, in one way or another, flying in the opposite direction, never to attack again, by speaking the truth. Maybe with a little spin on it. ;)

    However, what I think I really need to work on is when a confrontation is more course, physical, and emotional. A boss would never be able to pick on me: I speak very well. This pizza place though, it was not a time for calm logic - it was a time to react with visibly intimidating anger and brutality. If you reread my first post, you will see that I am NOT talking about physical violence. You can send someone running for the hills like they FUCKING deserve if you play it right. And playing it right, in this situation, required the complete, utter, entire, total lack of tact or apparent self-regard.
     
  6. Fred91GTA

    Fred91GTA New Member

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    If you're just afraid about getting your ass kicked, then take up a martial art then. It boosts your confidence in handling situations. I've been in countless situatins like you described above, but I never showed any fear because I didn't have any. This comes from me knowing that I could kick the guy's ass in due course, but that attitude was tempered by the fact that I only use it as a last resort. To date, I haven't yet had to resort to kicking ass, but it's all about the way I've handled myself. It's all about confidence. When you're confident in yourself, it gives off a much different vibe to people and they see you in a very different way.

    Oh yeah, I never had to overtly show I could kick ass either. It comes from your entire demeanor... your body language, the way you talk, the way you move, and the way you look a person in the eye when they want to start shit. Kinda hard to explain without showing. It's just something you have to see to finally get.

    PS... whatever you do, DO NOT take up a martial art that focuses mostly on sport like Kung Fu or traditional Karate. Take up something that teaches street fighting like Krav Maga, or Combat Aikido, or the martial art I take... Arnis (Filipino Martial Arts)
     
  7. johan

    johan Active Member

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    Yup. Exactly. That's it right there. Strong and unbreakable. Well phrased.
     
  8. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    That ... but I also like to punish people when they step out of line. So a little more than that, too.
     
  9. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    What about Hapkido? Or pure Aikido?
     
  10. Fred91GTA

    Fred91GTA New Member

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    Well, that's why I'm taking Arnis. We have elements of Aikido and Kuntaw mixed into our art. We also have a complete system of weapons fighting, knife fighting, and defending against knife fighting. All in all, IMHO, it's the most effective art to use on the street. All the traditional martial arts have a lot of fluff mixed into them that is more for aesthetics and form than for the practical use of beating your opponent down to the ground. Plus, you can tell an FMA fighter apart from any other type of fighter. The FMA practitioner kind of gets this freaky "Don't go there" look in his eye when he/she is near ready to lay you out. That's part of what I was talking about earlier about the type of demeanor you present to people. Be nice, but there is a line... don't go there.

    But remember, once you start taking it, don't go around picking fights. And don't go around accepting offers to fight all the time. The key here is to know you can kick ass without making a show of it. The other guy will know when to back off. Use your knowledge and skills only as a last resort.

    People will notice that change in you. They'll treat you with more respect (as long as you don't turn into a prick) and give you a lot more space.
     
  11. raded

    raded New Member

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    so, what, he should've just ignored him? I'm sort of confused by the responses :o
     
  12. johan

    johan Active Member

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    So how often are you getting into situations where you have to physically "punish people" who stepped out of line?

    If it's more than say... once a year...then I'd have to say that YOU are usually the guy in the pizza joint that is acting out and make other people think "sheesh, what's that guy's problem..."

    If in self-defense you have to take justified and righteous action, by all means, crush their spine.

    But I'm hearing a little more than that in your tone.
     
  13. johan

    johan Active Member

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    Hapkido is a great and versatile fighting art.

    Aikido would be good for you too, but not because it teaches you to street fight, I'm saying it would be good for you because most traditional hard core Aikido schools are big on discipline and emphasize harmony and non-competitiveness.

    It might help to show you that inside true strength lies gentleness. Gentleness because you can flick off a jerk like a piece of lint. Flick it off and walk away because it's just a piece of shitty lint, not worth your time.


    Btw, when I was a kid, I was a student at a traditional aikido dojo for a few years. It's pretty gentle stuff. In the end, it was too boring, although the historical and cultural context is fascinating.
     
  14. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    I've never been in a physical conflict.
     
  15. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    Is anything worth your time though? There is only so much evil in your personal, day to day life. So you respond in kind by doing what you can to ward it off. Just because an insult isn't a murder isn't a genocide doesn't mean it should be ignored.
     
  16. Fred91GTA

    Fred91GTA New Member

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    True, but sometimes, you have to be the bigger man and just walk away. See, the funny thing is, when somebody throws an insult at you, they expect a reaction. When you ignore it and flick it off as if they mean nothing to you, the person throwing the insult gets even more pissed off because you don't give a shit about him/her. Ever had somebody ignore you? It's VERY annoying right? This is why you fight only as a last resort. 9 times out of 10, the other person will back down if handled correctly, but it's just that 1 time out of 10 where you have to defend yourself where fighting is absolutely necessary.

    I know how you feel about wanting to seriously beat down somebody and make them pay. But is it really worth it? You probably have some lofty goals and aspirations in life. Would you be able to accomplish them if you have an arrest record?

    And yes, I know you'll say just because you fight doesn't mean you'll get arrested. But what if you fight a lot? That increases your chances of being arrested, and I'm pretty sure if you made the guy pay in the pizza scenario above, the police would be looking for your ass afterwards.
     
  17. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    No no, I simply wanted to scare him out of my way. You threaten to call the cops, you threaten to sue, you do whatever but keeping it verbal ftw. I've watched my father do this countless times, where the other person, seeing how incredibly angry he is, backs down and starts sucking up.
     
  18. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

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    There's your problem. You aren't afraid of the guy so much as you're afraid of pain. It wouldn't matter if he was 4'10, you'd still be afraid of anyone who made you feel physically threatened. Learn to not be afraid. Speaking as a guy who recently received a cracked rib (and amazingly no concussion) after being jumped, its not that bad. It hurts for a little while, then you heal. You feel much better about yourself than if you cowered or ran away. And you know the next time, you wont be as afraid.
     
  19. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

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    the only time an insult shouldn't be ignored is when it comes from someone who's opinion you actually care about. If someone calls me a name, or insults me, I laugh and 'agree'.

    Nothing takes the wind out of thier sails faster than being willing and able to laugh at yourself, especially if the insults are obviously untrue (because laughing shows just how untrue they are)

    When someone reacts defensively towards insults, it displays to others that they actually have some merit. It tells the others that the insults may be true.

    Who really gives a fuck if some 250lb fat fuck is making fun of you? He's the one who sucks at life. Why should you care what he thinks?

    If he physically threatens you, meet his eyes, and, very calmly, tell him to back down. Yelling demonstrates fear.
     
  20. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

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    I get the impression you like to get in verbal fights and win. I imagine you take every opportunity you can to demonstrate your superiority over others with your verbal skills.

    This serves no purpose other than to ensure you go through life with few, if any, friends, and will more than likely get your ass beat at least once.

    To those who understand human nature a little better, seeing someone who likes to pick verbal fights does nothing to impress, rather, it tells us that you're insecure, and that you can't feel good about yourself until you make someone else feel bad.
     
  21. Fred91GTA

    Fred91GTA New Member

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    Very well said. Calmness evokes this kind of calm vibe of "Don't go there if you know what's good for you." Makes them go :eek3:
     
  22. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    I've never gotten in a verbal fight with someone that was unmerited. It's not as if I go around picking random scraps with people. On occasion somebody will try to make me or someone I love look bad; in which case I pleasantly tell the Truth and you better believe it backfires like a motherfucker. (Except this fucking time when I froze up because the dude happened to be drunk and huge).

    You have mistaken my vigilance for a mindless quest to prove myself to people. On the contrary, I am much beloved by my peers for being so blunt. And yes, sometimes it requires that you raise your voice slightly to express the proper disdain towards a given opponent. However, the trick is not to get too emotional! Otherwise, you come off as someone who
    and you lose the situation completely b/c people think you're sensitive - they perceive that the opponent has gotten to you. Thus, display anger, but not anger in the hurt sense; anger in the cold, disdainful sense.

    I see it as this. If somebody wants to make me or someone close to me lose face then I will turn them on their head. Yeah sure, you could walk away. Sure, people can see who's the cool person and who's not. But then people see that bullies get away with it. If that is not frustrating to you, by all means, stand down. But my way ... they know they can't step on you socially and they sure as hell don't try it again.
     
  23. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

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    Except, you do realise that they're behaving that way because they want to get a rise out of you, and by falling for their bait (each and every time) you're only giving them exactly what they want, and feeding their misbehavior? If everyone ignored them, at some point, they'd stop and grow up.

    Also, and you'll learn this eventually, one must learn to pick his fights.
     

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