SRS Rage against the brain. Uggh!

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Sirc, Jul 17, 2008.

  1. Sirc

    Sirc Dr. Hourse Crew #1

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    I'd like to think that I'm a pretty good person. I truly have genuine intentions of helping people and finding peace and quell the internal struggle that I that I suffer through all the time.

    Every day, I try to do something so that at night, right before I fall asleep, I can ask myself, "Did I do something to change someone's life?" and answer that I did.

    As much as I try to help people and do something to bring a little peace to the corner of the planet I live on and take my tiny torch and ebb away at the tsunami shitfest that the world throws at me, I really, really cannot feel any feelings of good or happiness. I simply can't relate to people. It takes so much of my energy to suppress the feelings, but all I feel is numb emptiness and this rage. All I feel is rage against people. I can't relate to them and it frustrates me, because I don't think that I should feel so dignified and so above people.

    For example, there was this guy that used to come by this place I was working at. He was blind and deaf. He'd get lost and then come into the store. I can sign, so when I realized he was blind and deaf, I managed to communicate with him enough to help him get what he wanted done, done and help him get on his way home. I felt absolutely nothing. No sense of accomplishment. No sense of joy or even a sense of care if he'd come back or if he made it home alright.

    Is this normal? All the psyche classes I've taken say that I'm showing all the symptoms of a sociopath. The only emotions I can honestly feel are rage and frustration, with a smattering of joy and happiness. I can't remember the last time I felt sad, or love, or desire or passion or any other normal emotion. It's really frustrating.
     
  2. kylep

    kylep OT Supporter

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    How often do you drink alcohol or use other mind-altering substances?
     
  3. Sirc

    Sirc Dr. Hourse Crew #1

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    Never.
     
  4. no lol today

    no lol today Soy la bailarina de la muerta. OT Supporter

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    Sounds like a sociopath I dated once.
     
  5. Sirc

    Sirc Dr. Hourse Crew #1

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    How'd that end up?
     
  6. io

    io New Member

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    It doesn't seem logical to me that you would have any desire at all to leave a positive impact on anyone if you had antisocial personality disorder. People like that are prone to destruction all around them, can't lead a normal life, have no desire to, and hurt hurt hurt.

    Sometimes not being able to relate is just that.
     
  7. Sirc

    Sirc Dr. Hourse Crew #1

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    It feels to me that I ought to try to be a nice person and make my corner a little better.
     
  8. no lol today

    no lol today Soy la bailarina de la muerta. OT Supporter

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    The guy I dated had a routine they he followed every time he met somebody new. Took me a little bit to recognize the repetition. He'd tell about past life experiences (Preacher's son, mother teaches the choir, brought up in a more liberal Amish-like society, did charity work, got stabbed in NY as a child, is ordained but turned agnostic, ex wife cheated on him with many men & put him into debt before divorce ...). He established himself as moral, cultured martyr upon EVERY introduction without fail.

    I'm fairly certain that a good portion of the stories he used to build himself up were lies. Some may be based on some reality. I never really bought into it. I was a bit shocked that someone would profess to have gone through so much to pretty much everybody. I went along with it, though. Perhaps not the brightest idea. I learned from it.

    He was extremely computer savvy & had quite a career in it.
    Often referred to himself as "above reproach" in a semi-sarcastic manner
    Any time there was another female around he lost all interest in me & would flirt shamelessly. Was extreeeeeemely defensive when the topic was brought up for discussion.
    Threw money around. Seemed to try to buy friendships.
    Frequently spoke of the vulnerabilities of others. Especially my best friend.
    Became visibly agitated whenever I was able to logically dominate a discussion.
    Developed an obsession with my best friend. She later confessed that he had been heatedly pursuing her with very bold advances.

    Enjoyed theoretical and theological discussions. The most appealing trait for me. I thought I was just dating an intelligent person. The more I look at the definitions the more he seems to fit the "Aggressive Narcissism" category of a psychopathic personality. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychopathy

    Anyway, things came to a head when a good friend of mine planned to go to a club w/male strippers & then barhop a little for her birthday. He & I had already established that we didn't really see the relationship heading toward long term, but we were open to seeing where it lead. It lead downhill quick after I acknowledged his feelings regarding strip clubs but openly made my own choice to celebrate despite his misgivings.

    He had some preconceptions that I later came to understand were the reason he seemed so curious about the mentality of those who choose to use drugs, attend strip clubs, or go out to bars & clubs. He perceived the openness of an individual to try these things to be weaknesses regardless of any moderate approach. He thought that he could easily manipulate people with these weaknesses. He thought he could easily manipulate or control me.

    When it became apparent that he was unable to control my decisions a switch flipped. During the discussion we had about breaking up he was very agitated, sweating, more fidgety than usual. Having a hard time choosing his words in the usual lofty & particular manner. He spoke of my best friend & stated that he would like to know if it was ok w/me if he contacted her to give her his side of things ... uhh ... No, not really. And I stated very plainly that it was in no way agreeable that he pursue her. He became more agitated & stated that he could be very pursuasive. I'm sure you can. you are very articulate. I can be more than pursuasive. I can control people's thoughts, feelings .... Ok. Psychopath. Best friend had just broken up with a man I had been telling her was no good who had said THE SAAAAME THING prior to their parting of ways. Made the connection instantly. He wanted to prey on the weakness he saw in her.

    He did. He badgered her with phonecalls until she caved & had dinner with him. Put her on a pedestal. Told her everything she needed to hear. Her mother was extremely sick & near death in the hospital ... Used it. I was on quite a bit of medication at the time & flipped out at being deceived. After he took her for a picnic atop a hill with a beautiful view I was finally able to contact her & find out what was going on. I filled her in on his manipulation. Took her a while to really understand and come to terms with a second psychopath in her life ... Made it clear that a choice to be with him eliminated our friendship. That woke her up. I usually remain on good terms with everybody. We drew parallels between her ex & my ex & it became evident without question that they (They had met & HATED one another) were both socio/psychopathic. Her ex was far less narcissistic, tho ... he WAS full blown sociopath. Complete with horrible stories he was proud of. Ugh.

    He continued to harass her in a more & more manic manner. Lost his ability to reason logically. Basically everything she went through with her ex all over again.

    And for the record, he had the smallest penis I have ever seen.
     
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2008
  9. Sirc

    Sirc Dr. Hourse Crew #1

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    Well damn.

    I don't think that I'm that bad. I don't really tell people of my exploits or anything really. Just funny anecdotes and other stories from my life. I keep all the really closely guarded stuff for close friends.

    That sounds really terrible though. I think I just really can't relate to people. I do try very hard to make people's lives around me comfortable and happy and positive. I just can't relate to them or feel any connection to them. I feel like I'm an outside inhuman force. :\
     
  10. no lol today

    no lol today Soy la bailarina de la muerta. OT Supporter

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    Given the right conflict as a stimulus ...
     
  11. HatSee

    HatSee Active Member

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  12. RedZ71

    RedZ71 Large Marge sent me.

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    one day at work, i was reading over an IRC log that i stumpled on that was like, 6 years old. i read something that apparently i said, and it was hilarious. im generally a pretty jovial guy and can make a joke about anything anywhere, but this particular thing was just 10 times funnier than i normally am. on top of that, i had absolutely no recollection of any of that conversation.

    so the CTO of the company happens to be looking over my shoulder and i showed him the conversation, and commented on how i had no idea something this uncharacteristically funny actually came from me. he just said "well jonathan, funny is just your nature. you do it, and it wouldnt stick out for you, because its just a normal action in a normal day for you to say hilarious shit like that. there is no reason for you to remember it, because if your brain tried to remember every funny thing you said since the day you started working here, youd run out of storage space".

    so perhaps for you, making positive impact has become so second nature, that you do it without thinking about it, before, or after the fact?
     
  13. Genghis.Tron

    Genghis.Tron New Member

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    Sociopathy is the "popular" name for the antisocial personality disorder.

    I don't think that's the case here. If you were enjoying making people suffer and didn't care about hurting someone for your own benefit, that would be a possibility. If you don't have an extensive criminal record, that's certainly not it. You wouldn't be wondering about this issue if you were.


    I would be more inclined to go with something like low capacity for emotional recognition, alexythimia or dysthimia. But keep in mind that nothing is bad as internet diagnosis.
     
  14. HatSee

    HatSee Active Member

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    I was tired, yes you are right and my explanation was off, but you corrected me, thanks.

    And yes I agree completely it does not sound like antisocial personality disorder, there is probably some name for it, however he should see a professional if it's bothering him and he wants to work past it, however his guess is definitely off in a few ways.
     
  15. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Well i think one problem is the `i am above others` because i do good.

    Its not a healthy intention to do good so you can feel ` elevated ` above other people, you help other people because you want to make them feel happy, the problem is if this feeling of elevation would fall away then you d probably lose your reason for helping other people. Also its not obligatory to feel anything if you did a good deed. What you need to do is to allow your emotions flow.

    To fill that up and in order to become more emotionally sensetive, you always need to ask yourself the question. If i was in that persons shoes, how would i feel?

    I think its important to be like a castle gate, only opening yourself up for good people/things/events, and close yourself for bad emotions/people/things, this in order to prevent yourself from getting emotionally hurted by others.


    I personally think that in a past sense(could be a previous life) you have emotionally hurted so much that you build a wall around yourself and closed yourself from the world completely. That would explain why you are so emotionally distant in terms of feeling love and happyness, and only being able to feel the rage from the past hurt.

    What you need to do is to carefully look into yourself and feel where you are hurt, and get help in order to deal with that hurt and get rid of the negativity that is clearly sticking to you so that you can open yourself for love and giving love again.

    Its pretty hard if you don t know where to start, my advice is that you start visiting a reiki healer and practise reiki yourself.
     

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