SRS questioning it all

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by pigeon, May 27, 2007.

  1. pigeon

    pigeon wasabi

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    cliffs: shitty jobs, no money, contemplating worth of a masters degree in soc. work or teaching, feeling depressed.

    i've never posted in the asylum other than to reply, and even then i rarely post in here. i feel pretty fucking silly, to be honest.

    i'm just fucking tired.
    i work two part time jobs working with kids with special needs - one as an aide in a special ed classroom and the other as a liason between families with sp.ed. kids and the teachers who work with them. the school job is low paying and almost no support from the admin. my principal barely recognizes our presence in teh school, and i feel like it's a complete waste of my time as our responsibilities are few but we have to "look busy" all the time.:rolleyes: the other job is in a jcc with terrible administration but high demands on the staff. there is no functioning hierarchy, it's a mess of "each man for himself" trying to get teh job done, which lends itself to a lot of people doing nothing and expecting everyone else to do it. we have about 25% special needs, and i work only 20 hours a week at this job, and the list of duties is too depressing to share. all in all, i work 40 hours a week, spend about 1.5 to 2 hours in travel each day, spending at least 10-11 hours a day at work, and i make less than 20k a year. and i have a fucking bachelors in psychology which makes it even more depressing.
    i've been contemplating grad school since i graduated three years ago, contemplating psychology (haven't got the grades to get into a program), social work, and teaching. but lately i've just been feeling like although these are typically "helping" professions that "make a difference in the world" i spend enough of my day in jobs in these fields to see what little difference i do make, and to know that if i am to make a difference, i'll have to sacrifice the rest of my life for a thankless, low-paying profession. ultimately the reward will be no money, no life, but the knowledge that i've touched someone's life.
    right now i'm just feeling like there's no fucking point to it anymore. i have a negative balance in my bank account until thursday, my boyfriend and i are fighting, the pet and the humans need groceries, i have several large purchases i need to make in the next few weeks, i have no medical insurance, bla bla bla.
    i'm sure that people will read this and think, jesus, i hope she doesn't go into teaching or anything related with that fucking attitude:ugh:

    i just don't know anymore.


    ibiregretpostingthis
     
    Last edited: May 27, 2007
  2. KingKhai

    KingKhai New Member

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    After reading that I think to myself how can someone be that patience and tolerant of all those things that you have to deal with. It doesn't matter how strong you think you are, you can only take so much. Whatever happens, keep your head up. At least now you know you've already deal with the worst, things can only get better.
     
  3. johan

    johan Active Member

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    So some interesting facts. Both of your jobs seem to hold little interest for you, the staff heirarchy is frustrating, and you are very dissatisfied with your station in these fields.

    Ordinarily I'd suggest to look at alternate places to work, but in effect, you've already done that.

    And that leads me to think more about you, than your places of employment.

    With regard to your comment about "I hope she doesn't go into teaching/helping with that attitude" No, I think your attitude is very understandable, and a reasonable normal reaction to the frustration you feel in your work situation.



    So I have to ask. Are you sure you're in the right field? Becoming a special needs teacher...whew, that is a thankless job at the best of times, and sometimes a horror show. I don't think you go into this field for position or rank or monetary compensation.

    And while I'm sure you could make a great contribution to this field, you have to wonder, what contribution is this field making to YOU?

    To be satisfied (in anything) it has to be a two way street. You have to get something out of it, something intrinsically valuable to you (not always money!) and usually it isn't about the money.

    Money usually ranks 4 or 5th on job satisfaction surveys. You should love, or at least LIKE, the job duties on its own, and/or the people you work with. You seem to intensely dislike both.

    On the other hand, if you do want to stay in this field and prosper, you're gonna have to hit the books...HARD and get at least a master's degree.



    Interestingly, I just had dinner on Friday with a friend who works with autistic kids, mostly high functioning Aspberger's.

    She's doing quite well, and I reemphasize the point about having suitable credentials if you want to move up and be taken seriously.
     
  4. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    My first reaction is that you should primairly go for the money in your life. The main reason im saying that because you are doing one thing fundamentally wrong in your life.

    You see you work with special needy children, that in itself isn't wrong. Helping these children in itself isn't wrong, but getting yourself destroyed in the process of helping other people is.

    Stop taking a low wage for granted, become a psychologist and ask high fees. Its sorry that it has to go that way but thats life, if you have any sense of being realistic towards yourself then you will understand that you can't live from air at the moment, nor can you live from love, your life has got to have a substantial fundament to stand on. And if your gathering more minusses then plusses in your life, then it means something has to change.

    I highly suggest you give a vigorous swing to your life, and start demanding money. Although you shouldn't be attached to it, you have to allow yourself to be materialistically rich, if you don't allow yourself to be rich, and if you don't take the effort to push open those doors that lead to bigger wealth then you will keep on scraping the shrimps of life. Its time to fry bigger fish Pigeon, do take that effort as no one is going to do it for you. Leave those worthless jobs behind you and be all you can be.

    You are a hard working individual, but trust me from my life experience when i say that hard work isn't a justification for a great life. My father worked hard all his life and is still considered a loser in society, minimum wage, you can't just work hard, you also have to be insanely smart when it comes to carving your path to victory its about the choices that you make that count. It basically comes down to that you have to discard the trash, and move towards the gold.

    Listen to me when i say that a job isn't just a job, you have to ask yourself is there a future promotion in the job that im doing now. You might not have recognized it yourself, but im not seeing a promotion anywhere near, don't be fooled if suddenly you get one the moment you try to leave, that would be just another attempt to keep the sucker at bay from their side. Dump those two jobs altogether no matter what they offer and start progressing in your life financially.
     
  5. pigeon

    pigeon wasabi

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    it's interesting that you ask, am i in the right field.

    for the past 15 years i've worked with children, doing everything from mother's helper/babysitter to inlcusion specialist. i've worked in churches, public schools, a military base, a jcc, corporate preschools, private preschools, chain preschools, with kids with needs - both gifted and learning disabled, children with mental retardation, children with emotional disturbances, children with autism, children with speech problems, hearing problems, esl kids, and average kids. save for approximately 1 year total in all that time i've always worked with kids. other than that, i worked as a receptionist for an architechtural firm.

    and yes, i agree with you on what you said about the field. thankless and a horror show. the rewards are often years in teh making and are definitely not monetary - usually it's when you've had a child for a few years and s/he is able to leave your program, or has come back to see you after leaving the elementary/middle/high school and has moved to the next level in education and is succeeding.
    there is not a lot of respect in this field, and not a lot of money, you're right. it's the sort of job that you do that inspires a sort of combination of awe and "wtf - why??" response.

    another interesting point you raise - that i could make a great contribution but what does it give back? in a word? little. i give a tremendous amount of my time and energy to these positions and i receive little in the way of pay or respect from my employers, my coworkers, and occasionally, my peers outside of work.

    the problem with the two way street is that the way of the money has to be at least enough to pay the bills or it's not worth the personal satisfaction of the job itself when you spend at least half the month wondering how you're going to make the paycheck stretch for the next few weeks.

    it's frustrating to me, but right now (and again at the end of another school year) the money thing is rearing its ugly head and planting itself at number one on my list of priorities in the job search. :wtc:
    as far as what liking the job duties and people - if the jobs paid more, as in more than barely above minimum wage and didn't demand more than the alotted 20 hours a week, i might be okay with the duties of the second job. (the first, definitely not. the only thing okay with that job is the schedule during the school year, i.e. breaks with pay :rolleyes: how fucking sad is that.)
    and as far as liking the people - i'm fine with the people i work with, as people. i like them as people but i find them (for the most part) to be shitty coworkers, and the management is deplorable.

    and yes, i know a masters is a must. and while my grades won't make it into a psychology program, i doubt i'd have much trouble making a teaching or a social work program.:o

    (unfortunately, i suppose, i'm one of those highly intelligent people who sailed through life with very little effort until college graduation came and life became more than taking tests and writing pretty papers and making A's. reality slapped me in teh face and told me it really didn't matter how fucking smart i am if i wasn't willing to work my ass off and/or didn't know the right people/have the right credentials. )

    i know how necessary it is to get the right credentials to work in teh field of education, i just worry that i'll spend the 2-3 years getting them, and then get into the field and at the end of the year find myself in teh same position i'm in now. :rolleyes:

    i've thought about corporate work, but it's always seemed so contrary to what i do and what i care about - you know, make a difference in the life of a child vs. help a company make a lot of money so the man in charge can live a posh life?
     
  6. pigeon

    pigeon wasabi

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    you know, as much as it pains my darling hippie-wanna-be soul, i think you're right. :o
     
  7. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    No guts no glory, and as far as i see it the only thing you have to lose is a terrible job. Although no one should wager on things one cannot afford to lose, i think its a safe bet for you to ascend, but there's more.

    You know your a mother, the kind and hard working one, but you know the problem is that people take mothers for granted. That's why no one has noticed you.

    You know your the emotional type that wants to have nice collegue's nice enviroment, appreciation from the people around you, while having the feeling you are in a community and being cherished and saviored in that enviroment.

    The reality is that your enviroment doesn't care about your personal finances going into the red, cares even less if you work hard. I will be honest with you even if they did care, it doesn't matter, the fundamental law is that you first have to help/secure yourself and your own position before you can help others.

    And you know, work is just a formality. Especially when it comes to good paying jobs, like being a lawyer(which i honestly think you could become) you basically close yourself up emotionally during the job, because its possibly a chilly emotionally drained enviroment, and then when the working hours are open you can emotionally over you open yourselfup again, as said its just a formality, you come home and brought in your cold hard cash, and indeed i agree its not a nice job , but it will keep your finances out of the red as long as you don't do any crazy stuff with it.

    And maby just maby you still have some time left afterwards to do some loving and helping around,afterall God doesn't pay your bills, nor will leperchauns magically appear to help you out, in the end it always comes down to you. That's why its important you secure your own position, in order to avoid going down the drain.
     
  8. pigeon

    pigeon wasabi

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    it's true. the reality of it is,as much as i want to think i'm making a difference in the lives of these kids, i'm not. i'm just one more person they see in their days, and probably not someone they'll remember any more than their babysitters.

    and you're right when you say that my environment doesn't give a shit about me or my finances. it's sad to me to admit it, but my coworkers, nor my supervisors care as much as i'd like to pretend :o and honestly, my supervisors are fine financially, they just don't give a shit about their employees.

    i need to start seeing work as a formality. right now i can't worry about doing a job i want, a job i want to make a career out of, because as long as i'm worrying about how to put food on the table, how the fuck can i worry about going to school at night to get a degree? it would never be an option with these two jobs.:wtc:
    i do need to learn how to shut off my emotions. everything i've ever been taught contradicts this - 25 years of learning to follow my heart, my dreams, bla bla bla - but you're right, dreams don't pay the bills, and neither do little leprachauns who come with a pot of gold.
    and like i said, as long as i'm working so much in two shitty jobs trying so hard just to stay afloat, i'm not doing what i want, nor do i have the energy to make the effort to follow my dreams.:o
     
  9. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Well what your saying is right but ' i'm making a difference in the lives of these kids, i'm not' that's not true, what you do CAN make a difference. That's something important that you have to understand, but that's not what this is about.

    The love and the help that you give to other people's lives can steer them into a better direction, what im aiming at however is that you shouldn't get yourself destroyed in the process, and that's whats happening to you now 'financially. And thats the point where you need to learn to draw a borderline and protect yourself.

    Stand up for yourself this time.

    Just goto a job agency and let them do the job hunting for you, search yourself too while you can, and just go for a good paying job. Put demands on your pay so you may live instead of suffer.
     
  10. Anticipate

    Anticipate New Member

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    hi, if I may say, you sound rather burnt out. I definitely agree with going to a different field. I don't recommend getting the master's unless you are actually happy with what you are doing and just looking for a pay increase, since you will probably wind up doing the same thing with a master's, just getting slightly more money.
    I was in grad school for a master's in social work. I had no experience and had no idea what I was doing, and believe me, the school did not help. It was a nightmare, and they basically ate me alive. I did not finish the program, but wasted thousands of my own, and parent's, money to be in the program. It was about two years ago, and my experiences there still haunt me to this day. So if you want to start a master's program, be sure that that is definitely the right thing for you (or just take a class or two non-matric. to see if you like it), or you could potentially be wasting a lot of money.
     
  11. pigeon

    pigeon wasabi

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    thank you for saying that i can make a difference - i guess what it comes down to right now is what you're saying about the money and all, how my jobs are destroying me right now. and i can't make much of a difference if i'm feeling so drained, can i. how can i give and take care of someone else if i'm not taking care of me.:wtc:

    just this past week i told a supervisor i was not comfortable with some of the extra responsibilities they've been giving me lately and i'm not accepting them. he was really pissed, and although they all promised that no negativity would follow my refusal, there's definitely a palpable tension now.

    I'm applying to a new company right now - i know people there so hopefully i'll be able to work something out. the pay would be decent and i think it would allow for me to make enough to live on, and also pursue further education.

    i'm not feeling so bad about posting this now, since i'm actually getting sound advice.:o
     
  12. pigeon

    pigeon wasabi

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    that's exactly why i've been putting my masters off for three years. i have friends who are in their 30's who keep saying, why don't you get your masters, and i tell them i don't want to waste my time and money on the wrong degree, and they say but it'll be a degree, that's worth something!
    but i have a bachelors in psych, which, by their logic, should be fine, since it's a degree.

    i am totally burnt out. i was burnt out at the end of last school year, and i was frustrated when i went back to work in teh fall. and i was so excited about the other job, since i'd get to head up this program and start it, etc etc. - so many reasons it was supposed to be a great position - people keep giving me lip service about what a great job i'm doing, but all i see is a mess every day that i go to work.:wtc:

    the thing about social work is sometimes i think i'd be a great counselor, but other times i think there's no way i can deal with that. i feel the same way about teaching. and the reality of it is, i am not sure i've ever been in a position financially to be able to figure out what i want to do. i feel like i'm always worried about making enough money. and i know that part of it is managing money properly, because i know that even if i make 100k a year if i don't manage it properly i will be as broke as if i make 15k a year:ugh: but while i am aware of that, i'm just not sure how to really live on approximately 18k a year.:wtc:
     
  13. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    I would also suggest that it's very difficult to make a decision on what you want to do with the rest of your life, while you are in this state. I know what it's like to be at the end of the money with only 1/2 the month gone...it's an awful feeling and we do what we have to in order to survive. When I was in this state....every profession that paid more than my current one (waiting tables) looked like a viable option....but there were choices available that actually weren't good choices for me....but they looked good at the time.

    So my first suggestion is to solve the money issues first. Yes your long term career/education goals are important and I'm not suggesting you totally ignore them. But the analogy is triage...you fix the most critical first.

    Your finances sound like they are at the critical stage and you need help with them now. Ok....so perhaps that means you need to accept a job that isn't going to advance your chosen career but it'll damned sure pay the bills. Then once you start getting on top of that financial crisis, you can start to address the larger issues of your long term career goals and/or education.

    Take it one step at a time....solve one issue at a time. There will be time to address the other issues in your life but first things first.

    So perhaps it's time to seek a higher paying job back in corporate America?? I dunno what options are available but surely you have some ideas. It's ok...you won't be a sell out, you're just doing what you must to survive while you refocus and adjust to the changing winds of your life.
    Wait...I disagree with so much here.

    There's no reason to shut off your emotions you can allow yourself to do different things without becoming some mindless, thoughtless drone. You can actually have a huge heart and feelings and work in corporate America. It's a simple realization that you are not your work.

    IMO you have gotten this very confused in the past and it's completely understandable how it happens. You seem to have a big heart and a caring soul so you chose work that seemed in line with those ideas. So where does your work end and you begin??

    I've worked in corporate America for almost 10 years and I rose to a C level officer position for a small/mid sized company. I can assure you that my sensitivity and emotions were not a hindrance....sure in some situations, it would have been easier if I was less emotional but then I wouldn't be me. I can't please everyone all the time and there are certain types of people I simply can't work with. However, that doesn't mean I need to shut off my emotions and feelings to be successful. I simply need to find similar people with which to work....thankfully I did and it was amazing.

    Now as far as dreams not paying bills?? Perhaps you have simply misapplied your dreams?? In other words, perhaps what you thought were your dreams were in fact, unrealistic expectations. There's a HUGE difference.

    Dreams are important and very, very powerful. Dreams can and often do make people wealthy beyond any measure they previously thought possible. Unrealistic expectations tho, usually only make people resentful.

    So your desires to actually make a difference and in return you'd receive love and praise from those you helped has given way to the harsh reality of the job. This happened to me as I started to seriously investigate being a police officer. I always liked helping people and I'm a pretty big guy so I also liked the idea of protecting the weaker members of our society. Then I really started looking into the realities of the work and found that my ideas for what I wanted the job to provide for me and what it was actually providing to officers were very different. It was then that I made a decision to embrace reality, not my unrealistic expectations.

    My dream of being a cop was not wrong nor I was I in the wrong for embracing it and allowing myself to consider it. I don't even think I would have been wrong to pursue it because then I would have simply found a path that didn't work for me. Hey....don't discount that. Finding an unsatisfying path, and avoiding that in the future, can be as valuable as finding a more satisfying path.

    So...ask yourself these types of questions??? How can you take what you know about children and the needy and use it to help more people?? How can you take your skills, heart, soul and love and help make more of a difference in peoples lives??

    Don't ask yourself limiting questions like: Why does this always happen to me?? or Why am I unhappy?? or Why can't I win the Lottery??

    Anthony Robins says, and I believe it,that our mind is just a computer and it'll answer any question we ask....even if it's not a correct answer. So the trick is to ask it the right questions....empowering questions.

    When we ask our mind: WHy does this always happen to me?? it may respond...because you're stupid or because you don't deserve happiness or w/e. Then we start to believe that shit...even though it's usually not even close to the truth. So avoid these limiting questions and stick with the empowering ones. You can't believe how much it'll help to change your world.

    So you have years of experience....how could you take this XP and benefit more people??? Hmmm...perhaps write a book, podcast, blog??? Perhaps write a song about some of your experiences or paint a picture about it or write poetry??

    I dunno but there are many different creative outlets and what you create out of this pain may help many more people....however, I wouldn't focus so much on that as just allowing yourself to process these negative emotions.
    IMO you're tired from being in constant crisis mode. I also think that you're reevaluating your life and when you rediscover your passion (whatever field that may be in) you'll have the energy to pursue it. Hang in there.


    Damn...sorry for the mega post but something about your post just struck a nerve. I guess because I like you and you're postings on this site....and that I've been where you are. Not exactly where you are but I've had many of the same issues in my life and I've pursued a path that many people don't....I'm so unbelievably happy that I did and I want others to know....THERE IS HOPE!! DON"T GIVE UP!!! :hug:
     
  14. pigeon

    pigeon wasabi

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    that's what i'm worried about - i can't make any sound decisions when i have this stuff weighing on my mind all the time. and yes, it's a terrible feeling to realize it's the 15th of the month and all the money left goes to a car payment and you're going :noes: thinking about paying for the car. i have to say, waiting tables has yet to look viable, but retail is starting to look good. and i hate being in this position.:wtc:

    i do need to solve the money issues. so i'm applying for a new job that will hopefully work out, as it would pay enough to get me on my feet. and i'm going to continue looking at other options until i find something.

    my finances are at a critical stage - thank god i have a supportive boyfriend willing to help out and carry most of the bills, but it's getting REALLY fucking old and it's putting a strain on our relationship. :wtc:

    again, hopefully i'll be able to land a decent job soon so i can really start to focus on graduate school. and then i can start to look at solving other things in my life. and honestly, leaving this job will solve some other problems :o (like not being at work with crazy coworkers/friends who can't draw the line between coworker and friend in different situations :rolleyes:)

    it is time to find a higher paying job in corporate america. le sigh.

    i find that currently i need to shut off my emotions - i've been told by my supervisors i "let things get to me too much" so i've learned to shut off my emotions at work. wouldn't it be ironic if i went to work in corporate america and i was encouraged to have emotions (i.e. use my creativity and energy, rather than being told to stop putting so much effort into my job. :ugh: )

    You seem to have a big heart and a caring soul so you chose work that seemed in line with those ideas. So where does your work end and you begin??
    i appreciate that you said this. right now there is no separation, unfortunately. at first i threw myself into my work with such a passion that it would seep into my life beyond work, and now i'm learning to completely numb myself out. both directions are terrible. :wtc:

    I simply need to find similar people with which to work....thankfully I did and it was amazing.
    is it possible? :mamoru: sometimes i feel like it's not - i feel like i go to these jobs where i think that'll happen, where i'll be working with people with the same goals and dreams, etc. and it turns out to be just another shitty job.

    Now as far as dreams not paying bills?? Perhaps you have simply misapplied your dreams?? In other words, perhaps what you thought were your dreams were in fact, unrealistic expectations. There's a HUGE difference.
    this is very possible.:o that i'm just really misdirected right now.

    i'm not going to copy and paste all your words since they're right above mine ;) but there's a lot of wisdom you shared in your story about pursuing your dream of being a cop.

    i'm definitely thinking about your questions and what you said about asking the *right* questions, and making sure i keep a positive outlook on all this.

    annnnd thanks for saying what you said about "constant crisis mode" - part of my 'defense mechanism' i suppose is to pretend it's not as bad as it is. so to have someone (or a bunch of people, as shown by the replies here ;) ) say that yes, this is a shitty situation and get out! is somewhat validating.

    no worries about the mega post. it's all great information i really need, and a ton of fabulous advice. so thank you. thank you tons. srsly. ;)
     
  15. sportsjunkie

    sportsjunkie OT Supporter

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    i'm not reading what everyone wrote and i just read your first post.

    but seems to me you aren't getting your money's worth in the profession you want to be in. Kudos to you being in that field and having patience, but seems like you are working too hard and the payback isn't worth it frankly.

    I feel like you should find a job where they pay you enough that you wouldn't have to worry about feeding yourself and your pets and you should most definitely have health insurance.

    Those two things should be priority over "touching/making a difference in someone's life*

    You can't help others if you can't help yourself; not saying you aren't helping yourself, but you deserve more than what you are getting.

    I feel that teachers and certain healthcare professionals are the ones that get jipped most when it comes to pay.

    stick with the field you are in but find a job where they appreciate you and where you are wanted and praised.

    good luck
     
  16. pigeon

    pigeon wasabi

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    so true.

    i'm working on finding a job like you're suggesting. i think it'll make a huge difference. :o
     
  17. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    A farmer can only put up so much hay on her fork before the load becomes too heavy and she will fall. Drawing borderlines is important, that you delegate the work back in saying 'i can't take more then this, so no i won't do it' , being able to say no, is just as important as being able to say yes. People in life are just all too eager to put you before their charts and abuse your kindness into putting you up with all the work. You do what you can do, and shouldn't let other people make abuse of it. Saying STOP to here and no further, and no i can't do this , again its important to learn how to draw borderlines so that you won't allow life to fuck you back and forwards and then being tossed away like trash. Secure your own position first, before you start helping others. Its not selfish its a form of self protection that is needed in this harsh world.

    I don't know if you ever read the debt management thing i wrote a long time ago

    http://forums.offtopic.com/showthread.php?t=2085244

    you might want to read it or inform yourself better at other places how to have a more credential standard when it comes to finances and learning how to deal with them in a harsh and proper way. Its a nasty world, but its unfortunatly neccessary as others stated to take care of yourself. But you can also be proud that you have take measures so far to change your life.

    You see choices in life are important they define the quality of your life, that's why good choices are needed to be made in life that leed to positive progression in a continues line upwards in order to improve your life.

    Meaning that choices are pretty much like busses, you step on one, and if your seeing that its going into a direction you don't want to be in, you step out, and then you step into a bus that brings you where you DO want to goto. And keep changing until you are on the right bus that leads you to your goal.

    In financial aspect, constantly search for oppertunities and needs.

    Calculate the risks. Adapt to changes.

    Make sure you have everything properly arranged for yourself, financially first, emotionally later.
     
  18. i killed tupac

    i killed tupac New Member

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    if your heart isn't in it, dont do it
     
  19. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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  20. pigeon

    pigeon wasabi

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    :hs:

    thanks for the article. it was a little embarrassing to see how much of myself is in those words. :o
     

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