SRS question v. alcoholic

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Samson, Jan 13, 2010.

  1. Samson

    Samson New Member

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    hey everyone

    A friend of mine is an alcoholic... 21 M, he decided back in september that he wanted to quit drinking.. and went 40 days sober (attended AA meetings, etc but never followed through with his sponsor. In november.. we went to a party and he decided he wanted to drink. There was nothing i could do to prevent this, as he is uber stubborn, but the following day he came to me saying it wasn't worth losing 40 days blah blah..

    So from mid movemeber to dec 31st... he continued to drink, stopped going to AA meetings, and i left him alone about it all, as i knew that if he was going to stop drinking, he had to make the decision himself, and that i was powerless over alcohol.

    Come Jan 1, of course his new year resolution was once again to stop drinking. He made it 11 days... until the othe night, we were at his house and his mom was drunk (she's also an acoholic)... and she was clearly pissed off, and dropping things etc... which was clearly pissing him off to the point that he had to leave.

    So we went to the gym... at this point he was telling me he was debating over a bottle.. and was asking me why he shouldn't drink etc... What am i supposed to say to this? Previously, I've found that by the time he gets to asking me why he shouldn't drink... he's already made the decision to drink.. and that regardless of what i tell him.. he's going to do it anyway. I know it's not my job to "keep" him from drinking.. but what can i do to help him in this situation, if anything? He ended up getting completely wasted in his driveway, and sat there for 2 hrs.

    Any advice about the situation is appreciated

    Thanks
     
  2. hsracer201

    hsracer201 New Member

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    i am a newb to all of this, but i have recently gone through treatment myself and it seems that nothing you can say to someone will get them to stop. they have to want it on their own.
     
  3. untoastytoast

    untoastytoast The Glory Days

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    yeah, like you said, if he is telling you "yeah i'm considering a bottle" honestly, he is probably just wanting attention from you, because i used to do that to my friends when i wasn't serious about getting sober.

    there isn't much you can do really, the decision is his, and it sounds like he is not ready yet.
     
  4. gnat

    gnat New Member

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    that's a good question to be honest... Don't write him off completely when he asks though, I've gone either way, yea and nay with such a decision after talking to a friend about it. One thing I would assume is that you don't need to pass judgement in your response, choose your words carefully and talk to him about why he decided to get sober in the first place because it when all boils down to it that's what he will be faced with again if starts drinking regularly. Sometimes people just need a reminder of how shitty it was and then again like you said, some people have already made up their mind but for god's sake don't write it off like you can't do anything. You don't want it on your shoulders later when he's back on the sauce heavy and all you said to him was I dunno, you have to decide when you could have given him more support. No regrets is what I'm getting at, do your best.
     
  5. gnat

    gnat New Member

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    This is true but in my experience someone may want to quit but they've lost some of the focus they once had and need a family of support to remind them. I have seen people get back off of that fence instead of crossing it in similar situations. It depends on what side of the fence is calling him the most, even when they go back to it they usually have a nagging in their mind that it's the wrong decision and you can play on that carefully when someone is being sincere about your opinion. And yes there are those that you can just waste your breath on too. :(
     
  6. Samson

    Samson New Member

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    im tired of the "i appreciate that you care" and "it wasn't worth drinking last night" next-day conversations. ugh
     
  7. i killed tupac

    i killed tupac New Member

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    I usually tell somebody to "play the tape all the way through" as to their drinking idea. This is a tough spot to be in.

    Have you considered a support group like Al-Anon for yourself?
     
  8. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    The thing to realize is that you are as powerless over alcohol as he is, at least when it's concerned with his consumption.

    You may be tired of those conversations because you're probably thinking, "I told you so." or "If he would only follow my advice everything would work out ok." or "You never listen to what I say anyways so why are you asking me." OR perhaps it's all of the above.

    The thing is most people who aren't alcoholics are baffled by the alcoholics drinking. This is nothing new....even people that watch their loved ones proceed very deep into the destruction brought by alcoholism they don't understand why their loved one won't make changes to stop the destruction.

    Most people are also conditioned for quicker improvement. Such as you have a conversation, identify the issue, identify a solution, implement the solution, move on with your life. However with alcoholics it always seems to keep coming back to the day after conversations.

    Look you never know how your words are being stored and played back in your friends mind. There were many times when something a friend said would come rushing back to my consciousness when I was down. It all helped me to get into recovery.

    You don't have to keep having these conversations with your friend and at some point you may have to say, no more. Only you can know when that take comes. Until then, you may want to consider going to Al-Anon meetings. I know, I know...you're not the one with the problem. However, Al-Anon is for people that have friends and loved ones that are suffering.
     
  9. Samson

    Samson New Member

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    Thanks for the responses. I've been to several of the AA meetings he was going to, as he asked me to go with him for whatever reason. Then i began to look into the Al-anon meetings.. but never attended one.

    When we have these next day conversations.. he usually just casually mentions that he wished he still had "X" # of days, etc.. and typically i just remind him how long he's made it in the past, and that if anyone can do this, he can. What I don't do is make a big deal about it. I don't bring up drinking unless he does, and I usually just listen to what he has to say. I do this because i don't want him to think of me as a nag, and resent me for it.

    He tells me all the time how he nees to stop drinking, because its keeping him from achieving his goals.. but he also says stuff like "if i didn't have to worry about money, i'd drink everyday..." which tells me is he isn't serious enough about wanting to quit.

    Now he's asking me if he should go to Vegas in mid-february.. with some friends from work... ugh

    edit:

    btw, he ended up telling me the other day that back when he was 15, he was doing coke, shrooms, and some others... it's really opened my mind about some things.
     
  10. i killed tupac

    i killed tupac New Member

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    that tells you he is powerless over alcohol my friend. He is probably very serious, but cannot stop.
     
  11. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    :werd:

    His comments were pretty much exactly what I said back in my drinking days. This is also an indication that his issues are much deeper than simply drinking or not drinking.
     
  12. Samson

    Samson New Member

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    i dont really know what to do / my role in this, if anything. ugh

    thanks
     
  13. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    Well you first must accept that you can't do anything unless he is ready to change. Even then, you're available options are quite limited. Here's why....he still has better ideas. If he's anything like me, he's thinking, "Damn I really gotta eat before I drink." or "I gotta slow down a little" or "Ok, I"m only going to drink beer" or "I gotta stop mixing beer and liquor because it always makes me too drunk" or.....well you get the idea.

    What are those things? Those are better ideas.....better than complete abstinence. Most people know that AA is about not drinking again....EVER! That's an incredibly terrifying thing for an alcoholic. Why? Because alcohol is our secret weapon in this game of life. If life ever gets too difficult, we drink. If life is going well, we drink to celebrate. If it's going bad, we drink to escape. If it's just blah...we drink to make it less blah.

    So when alcoholics have better ideas the chance of anyone getting us into AA and/or treatment is slim. However, there were a lot of things that stuck with me during those dark days. Kind words from concerned friends a conversation with an alcoholic and a brother that simply wouldn't give up on me and let me lie to myself anymore. However, I had to go through A LOT of pain before I was willing to listen.

    Try to keep in mind what you like about this person. It's sometimes really difficult to watch those we love to go through the wringer.
     
  14. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    You also might try to get some alcoholic's numbers so you can call them if/when he's had a rough night and is remorseful the next morning. Then you might suggest he talk to them....anonymously....by maybe meeting them for coffee somewhere. There's usually an AA hotline which is listed in the business pages for most cities.
     
  15. Nikkerz

    Nikkerz New Member

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    So tell him, "I'm really not interested in listening to this again, if you want a ride to a meeting I'll pick you up" and then change the subject or say goodbye
     
    Last edited: Feb 1, 2010
  16. Samson

    Samson New Member

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    he's no longer going to meetings.. "i don't need to go, i got this"... btw, his brother just made 1 year sober.
     
  17. i killed tupac

    i killed tupac New Member

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    got what? Quiting on his own?
     
  18. Samson

    Samson New Member

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    yes, he doesn't think the meetings do anything. he goes to a meeting.. comes home and has a few beers.
     
  19. Samson

    Samson New Member

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    I'm guessing there's more going on than I originally thought. Last night he got high off 8 xanax through the nose, and proceeded to get drunk. I'm starting to think I need to remove myself, as this is all just a big downer for me and is beginning to affect my mood/attitude all the time... thanks
     
  20. i killed tupac

    i killed tupac New Member

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    he's probably not going to be telling you the truth about anything. And meetings work, if you do what they say! It's worked for millions, and continues too.

    regardless, it is interesting to see this kind of affect from your point of view, cuz i know i did this to all the people around me when i was using.

    thank you for sharing, keep us updated.
     
  21. Samson

    Samson New Member

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    As an update to this thread, he's pretty much replaced the daily drinking with weed. Never wants to do anything except be high all the time.
     
  22. i killed tupac

    i killed tupac New Member

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    man, im sorry to hear that, but not surprised. Soon, he will realize that's no picnic either
     
  23. Samson

    Samson New Member

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    word. i hope he realizes that shortly here. :hs:
     
  24. Samson

    Samson New Member

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    question.

    he sent me a txt shortly after he got to work about an hour ago.. asking if i could google Ambien for him... i asked why? he wanted to know if he'd pass out if taken. 45 mins later, he sent me a msg saying he just took 2 and would update me about what happens.

    wtf... first of all, i don't understand why he's doing this to himself. second, why does he text me telling me what he's doing, when he gets pissed off that stuff like this bothers me. third, what am i supposed to do? i feel like its just one thing after another. how bad is this?
     
  25. leeheat

    leeheat New Member

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    Ambien is a sleeping pill, back in the day some guys I used to hang out with would take that stuff, and then force themselves to stay awake anyway they could, and would hallucinate..

    As for your friend, man I know exactly where you're at. When I was in high school, my best buddy was the same way.. He was honestly my brother, my father even let him live at my house for probably close to a year.. Anyway, he was a hard core alcoholic, every weekend he'd be so drunk he'd never know where he was and he'd get angry and yell at people and had delusions..

    Eventually it got so bad I just couldn't cope with worrying about him all the time.. I tried my best to get him to stop drinking or at least slow down, but it never worked.. Broken promises and more worrying went by, and he was just the same as your buddy, the next day he'd go, "oh man, I shouldn't have drank, I made an ass of myself." few minutes would go by, and the next thing was talking about getting drunk again.

    It really sucks, I just couldn't deal with it, and I knew all he wanted was attention. I stood by his side trying to help him as much as I could, but eventually I had to say enough is enough, and I told him he needs to find rock bottom on his own, that he'd forever be my best bud, but that I couldn't watch him kill himself and ruin his life and give him the attention he thrived on.

    I really hope he doesn't go the same way.. I still wish I could've done something more, but really, there was just nothing I could do.

    If it keeps going on though, as hard as it sounds, you're going to have to distance yourself, for your own good.. You can't let him take you down with him, just because he has an addiction doesn't mean you need to suffer the consequences too.

    Feel free to PM if you need someone to talk to man
     

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