Question for the ladies of ot

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by kenlee, Oct 30, 2006.

  1. kenlee

    kenlee New Member

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    Recently while me and my wife have sex she doesn't seem to want to kiss while in the act. Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but there are other factors at hand I cannot discuss other than I recently found out she was having an emotional affair which led to kissing and other things. This is no longer the case but I feel our relationship is now fucked. I cannot help but think she is thinking of this other guy.:squint:
     
  2. Socrates

    Socrates New Member

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    If you can't give us details, then we can't give a very detailed answer.

    Based on what you've said, there are many interpretations to your problem. When you be specific, it narrows it down and you can get a more accurate answer.
     
  3. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    I wouldn't call an affair that had physical contact such as kissing (no offense but if she admited to kissing, there was probably a little more to their relationship than what she is saying) an emotional affair.

    Personally I think kissing is one of the most intimate things that can be done (and I know a lot of other women feel that way). If she's not even kissing you, I would bet that she is angry or unhappy with you in some way (which also shows by the affair).

    Have you tried counseling yet? Out of curiosity how long have you been married? Good luck!
     
  4. keleko

    keleko yes, he is

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    brush yo teef, nga!
     
  5. RedVsBlue

    RedVsBlue Penguins > *

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    And that is why your marriage is over :hs:

    I really dont know what I would do in your position, I couldnt imagine the feeling. Hang strong because I dont think the near future is going to be very easy for you...
     
  6. kenlee

    kenlee New Member

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    I knew there was something wrong becaust she just started being very distant to me over several months. I tried my best as to keep a smile on my face and appreciate her. I then found evidence confirming my suspicions she was acting out with one of her co-workers and she had a crush on another and intended on telling him.
    I confronted her in a non threating way and she denied having extramarital involvement at work. Once I hinted at what I found she confessed. I love her, but I cannot stand being lied to, deceived, and cheated. I confronted her a week ago about this and I have been going to counseling for three weeks thinking maybe I'm just reading into it too much. I should of known.
     
  7. Bella

    Bella New Member

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    Where do you want me baby?!
    Wow I'm sorry man. Well I would have to agree about the kissing thing with it just being to intimate. I love kissing and if I wasn't getting that in return I would overthink a lot of why it's not happening. But with you, you already know something is up, she admitted to it, and more than likely she isn't telling you the whole truth. Not saything she has sex with the guy but far more emotion and thoughts is into this.
    Does she want to work on the marriage? Is she going to counceling with you now? Where is she at with all of this? I think the kissing matter should be placed on the backburner right now.
     
  8. keleko

    keleko yes, he is

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    hope you signed a pre-nup

    dump the cheating whore asap
     
  9. kenlee

    kenlee New Member

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    Thanks you all for the comments. We discussed her telling this person that I know and that their relationship must end. When we talked about it she said " it will be so hard for me to tell him,he means so much to me" and she started crying. She said she did tell him and he hasn't so much as spoken to her since. All I can say is my stomach feels like it's going to implode. I also have a daughter to think about in the midst of all this.
     
  10. lauren

    lauren Active Member

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    :ugh: wtf, what about her husband?

    her priorities are out of wack; is she even remorseful?
     
  11. kenlee

    kenlee New Member

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    That is my major concern. She has to work with this person and at this point I'll never know whats going on. I don't foresee this ending nicely.
     
  12. kenlee

    kenlee New Member

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    What gets me is she was denying it for almost an hour while I said I know what is going on I'm giving you a chance to save your marriage and your family. She continued to deny any wrong doing until I brought up how I knew. After that there were no tears, she just explained everything in detail and was silent as was I. I really worry because she is training to be a nurse and what happens when she starts working around successfull doctors. The other issue is we are stuck in a 1 year lease of a house and still have 7 months left. I don't know how I am suppost to live like this.

    Sorry for ranting it just feels good to talk about it.
     
  13. Phantom Empress

    Phantom Empress mmmmmm tasty!!!

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    if she's saying all this "he means so much to me blah blah blah" then where are you and your child? she needs to get her priorities straight. If she doesn't want to work it out and go to councelling, then leave. start filing paper because this will not be the last affair she has..
     
  14. Bella

    Bella New Member

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    I agree, if she is all it's going to be so hard to tell him, what about you??? So if you hear other people finally fessing up it usually takes a long timeto fess up to something they've done wrong. BUt she fessed in an hour, like it was nothing. Maybe I'm looking too much into it and I hate to say your marriage is doomed but clearly you are taking this news better than most other people and she's taking advantage of it by saying oh... this is going to be so hard. Do you think she's genuine? Does she want to work on the marriage and love you again? OR is this a stay together for the kids thing? Because if your staying together for the kids it's a whole lot worse than if you were to break up.
     
  15. musiclady4life

    musiclady4life My palette is your ear...

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    Just read the whole thread and I must say that her not being able to kiss you scares me the most. Kissing for women (i cant speak for men) is an intimate and emotional act. The fact that she doesn't do this anymore makes me feel like she feels guilty or honesty...has lost that feeling. Either way, you deserve more.

    I don't agree with giving her an ultimatum to quit her job though. She will hold that against you in the future and/or resent you if she does that.

    From my own past experience (in your shoes) ask DO YOU STILL LOVE ME? CAN WE MAKE THIS WORK? If she says no..she means it. Let it burn, but let it go.

    Have you mentioned the lack of kissing? Has she explained it?
     
  16. RedVsBlue

    RedVsBlue Penguins > *

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    And he shouldnt hold this against her later in life? If she wouldnt quit her job on the spot than something is wrong.

    If my wife ever asked me to quit, I would do it in a heartbeat, as would she. Our relationship is more important than any job....even a well built career.

    If she is seeing other people at her job, and then refused to quit or harbors resentment, then that is just another reason the relationship is over.
     
  17. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Weird, the quote isn't showing up in my box.

    Anyways, if it has gotten so bad that you feel that you are going to have to ask/tell her to get a job somewhere else to stay away from the guy....it's too far gone to save.

    Why? First off, that request will always be used against you...it will make you seem controlling.

    Secondly, and this is the biggest reason....SHE LET IT GO TOO FAR. She did not have, or did not use the self control to prevent things from developing romantically with this other man. She saw it happening, and let it continue.

    Hell, it sounds like she has more invested with him than with the OP. How hard do you think it would be for them to work it out? I think it would just be better for all involved to end the relationship.
     
  18. musiclady4life

    musiclady4life My palette is your ear...

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    I agree with you, as would most people in a mutually respectful relationship but I think her words and actions already show what she's chosen.

    His situation doesn't necessarily seem beyond repair but she doesn't appear to be bending or wanting to put any effort into it.
     
  19. RedVsBlue

    RedVsBlue Penguins > *

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    I agree, and I cant help but think of myself in the same postion. I honestly think I would be a total wreck.

    While I agree the situation isnt beyond repair, it may be beyond repair for THEM (although I dont know their personalities). Again, with myself in that position, if my wife was acting like that I think it would take years before I could trust her again...and I dont think this situation can go on for years without totally falling apart.

    There definitely needs to be some outside interaction (counseling or whatever) and perspective given to the relationship though.

    She needs to know whether or not she NEEDS to save the relationship. I say needs, because she may WANT to save it, but that is temporary as she obviously doesnt know what she wants. I'd ask her straight up if she is going to work to save the marriage....if the answer isnt an emphatic "YES, I WILL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES" then I would have myself one long cry, pick up the pieces of my heart and start the rebuilding process by moving on with life.
     
  20. kenlee

    kenlee New Member

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    She admits that what she did was wrong in every way and she shouldn't have put herself in front of her family. When I bring up the fact I worry it might happen again she says something like, " Well you don't know that you wouln't find someone you would rather be with either". WTF! I tell her that I could never do what she did to me. Her response is that I don't know that is true since I wasn't in her position.

    The other side of this is school. As I mentioned before she is training to be a nurse. One night during a conversation she said if I had asked her to choose me or school that she would choose school because she has come so far and accomplished so much. Talk about the writing on the wall. All I can think of is how selfish this statement is. I've supported her in school since day one and I feel no gratitude from her whatsoever. Guess I'm SOL.
     
  21. The Secretary

    The Secretary My domestic skills will rock your socks off!

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    Hun, your in a whole hell of a lot of trouble. She's already left your marriage emotionally. Your just a warm body to sleep next to at night and a paycheck.

    You both need to see a marriage/divorce counselor and as much as I hate to say it start filing for divorce. You deserve so much better than that, and be ready for the fight of your life.
     
  22. Kinks

    Kinks Sup. OT Supporter

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    Absolutely. Therein lies the problem of having a desire to love someone and make things work in the face of some pretty obvious signs that you should just cut and run.

    I have had similar experiences in the past but on a much lower scale and even that was hard, so I feel for you. Bottom line is if you can't trust someone 110% they are no good to you as a partner :(
     
  23. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    That's an attempt to justify her actions in some small way by saying that it's possible that you might do the same thing.

    She says she knows what she did is wrong, but she also doesn't seem to really be interested in trying to fix things. This leads me to believe that there is a strong possibility she could do this again...and that she might POSSIBLY just be saying it was wrong in order to keep doing what she was doing, while still keeping your support.

    The school thing...well, it almost like she wants to completely distance herself emotionally from you in every way she can, even if this includes denying obvious financial support you have provided her.

    If she doesn't want to fix things, it's really already over.

    Sucks big time man, and we all feel for you. Also, if she's not willing to fix the relationship, there's no need for you to continue supporting her through school. Sure, it sounds childish, but she needs to learn that there are going to be negative consequences for giving up on you.
     

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