SRS Question for the introverts

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Ivan, Apr 7, 2008.

  1. Ivan

    Ivan New Member

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    A question that's going to be silly, probably, but I think I need to ask.

    Basically I've been without friends for too long. Well, I do know a few people, from my class and from my work, and while we do get along very well and have a good friendship, basically they're too busy with their SOs, so I don't even have people to go out and drink a coffee some afternoon and I don't even dare to suggest the idea.

    I've been trying to meet people on Internet, but there has been no luck so far. Either they don't show interest in me or I get the feeling we won't get along too well, most times both things.

    I'm too shy. I can be really talkative but only when I am comfortable and know the person. When I do not, I have trouble and don't really know what to talk about, and I don't even ask the other person questions to get to know them better, because I have this stupid fear of being too nosey.

    I also find hard when people ask me if I hang out and where, or if I have any other friends. I can't lie and say I have an amazingly interesting life full of friends and funny moments when I do not.

    So I'm kinda stuck in my mind. In one hand, I do not seem to have luck. In the other hand, I'm not optimistic at all and always think people will get the idea that something's wrong with me if I haven't had any social life in years.

    If any of you has been in a similar situation, help? :sadwavey:
     
  2. Vysion

    Vysion New Member

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    Unfortuantely outgoing people don't understand 'shy' people. So they think that you are just stuck up or something, which isn't true. That and self-conscious people tend to be boring. I have this same problem. All you can do is try your best to be more outgoing.

    Another thing is that shy people tend to only do things when they are invited by others. Sometimes you have to put yourself out there and setup something to go and do with your friends and invite them. This will let them know that you want to hang out with them.
     
  3. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

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    To be perfectly honest, I'd take your friends to task about never having any time for you. Are they your friends or not?

    "Hey Bob, you want to have a couple drinks tomorrow night?"
    "Sorry Fred, I can't, I'm doing something with the girlfriend."
    "Dude, you're always doing something with the girlfriend. You need to come up with a better excuse."
    "What the hell, man? She's my girlfriend. She's the most important person in my life."
    "Yeah, but she's not the only person in your life. It's not like I'm dragging you out all night every night, I'm only asking for a couple hours a week. She can have you the rest of the time."

    ...and then see how it goes from there. If they can't see reason and don't want to give you even a little of their time, don't bother calling them your friends anymore.
     
  4. ASoT

    ASoT New Member

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    What is the reason that you've been without friends for a long time?
     
  5. Ivan

    Ivan New Member

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    Trying to be outgoing leaves me really tired. It's not the way I am at all and honestly I don't know why I'd have to be a different person to be liked. That obviously means something isn't right.

    I do have days where I feel more outgoing and am more talkative and laugh at things more frequently, but then there are those when I feel a bit too relaxed and just feel like watching and listening. I'm going to agree not everybody understands this.

    You are very right, although the issue here is more along the lines that I never actually asked, and I don't know either what their reaction would be. From the looks of things they always tend to be together when they have free time. I'm guessing they'd probably would cancel whatever plans they have for one afternoon to come and spend some time with me, but somehow I don't feel comfortable with the idea, making them change their plans and all that.

    I didn't mention that my friends are female. I wouldn't want their boyfriends to think I want something with their girlfriends.

    A bit of everything. Shyness, pessimism, depression, insecurity, etc.

    :rofl: Don't worry, that won't happen.

    I've been trying to find something similar to those groups in my area (because meeting someone from OT in Spain, where I live, doesn't look easy!), but fortunately today I managed to meet someone that I'm liking so far. I've spent four hours non-stop talking about all kinds of shit. He happens to be a musician and plays the piano. It's funny because I've been thinking of trying to learn how to play piano for some time.

    Maybe I'll find in music what I'm looking for? :dunno: Even though I know jack shit about it :hs:
     
  6. ASoT

    ASoT New Member

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    After high school, I went off to a university where very few classmates of mine went. I wasn't close friends with any of them apart from 1 that I occasionally hung out with. My older brother was attending the same university and I moved in with him in an off-campus apartment. Big mistake. I spent the next few years making very little friends apart from a few that I met in class. I only hung out with them to study and didn't really have much else in common with them. The only time I had fun was when I would tag along with my brother and his friends whom eventually became my friends as well. My 1 friend from high school lived first year on campus in the dorms and he made a ton of friends. Whenever I would visit him, I would end up meeting 10 new people. But being an introvert and shy as well, I never pursued friendships with these people.

    I was never depressed or anything during those years because I'm very independent and I learned to be happy with my situation. I hate being extremely busy and always having to go out so I did enjoy the alone time. At times it would suck though, especially if I wanted to go out and felt like meeting girls etc.

    I'm currently finishing my degree and during this last semester I became closer with a few new classmates who came from elsewhere. I finally started to socialize more and meet more people through/with them. About a month ago I got a girlfriend and I've made friends with all of her friends. Out of nowhere I've created a new social group that has been absent in my life for the last 4 years. In the last month I've gone out more than I have over the last 4 years.

    I don't know what you can get out of my story but I just want to show you that once you get the ball rolling, it comes a lot easier. A year ago I would describe myself as really shy but not anymore. You just need to break that barrier and make a few friends. Meet a few more people and it'll come a lot easier. Getting a girlfriend will also help a lot. Best of luck to you, bro!
     
  7. Helios

    Helios New Member

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    I used to kinda be like that years ago, not really shyness but really untalkative and a bit reserved around people I didn't know because I didn't quite know how they'd react. I'm naturally pretty sarcastic in a funny way but if I didn't know how you would react I tend to say not a whole lot.

    I was never really the sit in the corner shy type, pretty outgoing just didn't talk. I eventually got over it by getting more comfortable "from the inside out" so to speak, and not caring how other people took what I said. Probably just grew out of it more than anything from being around people on a regular basis.

    Years? How old are you now?

    How people react or if they care at all depends on age/scene. I'm about to be 26 and I know a few people that I haven't seen in quite a while now because of work, grad school, they have wife and/or kids, or just kinda got caught up in their own lives along the way. Much more common as you get older and kinda more settled in your own path in life. The key though I think is being able to jump back in if you want to, and not let your lack of a social life for however long affect how you connect with people.

    As long as you can strike up and keep a conversation it doesn't matter, the sort of people that would strike your lack of social life against you may not be the sort you'd want to hang out with anyway.

    (I'm also assuming that you're not a recluse and at least do your own thing by yourself.)
     
    Last edited: Apr 8, 2008
  8. Ivan

    Ivan New Member

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    :hug: I know, it's very frustrating, you keep thinking about how to proceed with things and everytime you think of something, you think of another thing that kinda renders the idea useless or likely to fail.

    But I guess we have to risk things at some point if we want something.

    I feel kinda identified with you. I only meet people at work or class, and they're only there, but not in my personal life (which is lacking a bit).

    From your story I get that things do not remain the same. I think it would be silly if I thought I'd be in the same situation when I will be 50 years old. That would only happen if I purposefully wanted it.

    In my case, it would be a boyfriend, but that's not the topic here :hs: I'd be happy to get a few friends first, the only relationship I ever had didn't work quite well.

    Yeah, I think that's one of my main problems, I'm always worrying about the image I give to people so I sometimes feel like I try too hard to always do things in a perfect manner.

    It's like wanting to say the perfect things at the perfect moments while avoiding anything that could make me look ridiculous. And that alone is ridiculous because it's impossible to be perfect.

    I keep telling myself that but I always find a situation where I'll feel this way.

    This may sound silly, but I'm only 18. I've spent my whole infancy without decent friends, the ones I ever had lasted two years. Those were good and fun times. But the typical fights trashed all the friendships, and I wasn't even involved.

    I notice a lot of people tend to treat me like a kid. I guess it's normal, I'm young, but sometimes it gets a bit silly. The fact that I don't look very adult-like doesn't help. Damn this face and body. :mamoru:

    I can talk about anything, but most people my age seem to only talk about boyfriends/girlfriends and alcohol. And I'm no good at those topics, to be honest, and I can't even talk about my ex since we were both guys. Which is another thing, I guess being gay isn't helping much either when meeting people. There are certain aspects of my life I wouldn't feel "safe", so to speak, talking about.

    Hehe, no I'm not a recluse, at the moment I live with my mother but I'm already looking for my own life.
     
  9. Victoriono

    Victoriono New Member

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    I think you know the answer to this question. You just wish the answer was something else.

    You have to put yourself out there, you have to take some risks by asking them to hang out. It's not rocket science.
    What you're doing now is obviously not working.
     
  10. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

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    Most guys won't care as long as they're still hittin' it, because most women who actually want to be in a relationship won't sleep with more than one guy at a time.
     
  11. Marcos

    Marcos OT Supporter

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    i've managed to jump the fence on introvert/extrovert, i used to be mad shy in public and quiet, but i left my hometown after high school to a place where i was a stranger. its liberating! fresh start, no one knows you. you dont have to make up for any mistakes you've done in the past, just behave well from the start and you go from there.

    image is important, so take some time everyday or whenever you can to think about it, dont take action until you've reached a solid conclusion as to what affects your image and what you can do about it.

    uhhh, i could talk about this for days, so i'll report back i guess :o
     
  12. Ivan

    Ivan New Member

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    Yeah, probably. :hs:

    But receiving some words of advice and encouragement do keep me going.

    I don't know, they're young and jealousy might arise. But then again it might just be me being paranoid.

    I've thought about moving for a long time. I realized long time ago that I don't like this city for several reasons. It's small, it's kind of boring, there are too many memories and past experiences with people that keep me bound, so to speak. Probably a fresh start would be good to me once I can access university. I plan to move when that happens, but perhaps I'm rushing things. I'll have to see how things go from today I guess.

    I don't want to think too much about my image, because I think that's part of my problem, that I always think too much if I'm going to give a bad image and limit myself a lot.

    You're welcome to do that.
     
  13. Spiritus

    Spiritus Active Member

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    Stop thinking.

    Just stop.
     
  14. Marcos

    Marcos OT Supporter

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    Not to make it sound worse, but image is important, its not the most important thing, but it is important to be presentable. Because we all make some quick judgements about people based on the first few seconds of seeing them.

    The good thing is, its all about preparation, so its basically homework, and its just a matter of time until you have covered all your bases and feel confident that image-wise, theres nothing anyone can call you out on. Because thats the key really, with image, you're simply trying to present yourself as someone respectable and competent, wherever you are.

    of course, it helps if you behave respectable and competent, and that comes with self-confidence.

    And self-confidence is basically not lying to yourself about what you are capable of. If you know you are bad at something, or there are things that are a mystery to you, you cant ignore that, those are chinks in your armor that are on your conscious and weigh you down and stop you from being as great and confident as you can be.

    more to come later :o, maybe tomorrow
     
  15. Marcos

    Marcos OT Supporter

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    i dont agree, if you dont have the money or resources, thinking is the best way to help yourself, its free, but you have to be aiming in the right direction, set goals, work things out, and not let things defeat you.

    if he is just stressing himself out and burning himself out on negative thoughts then it is good to get the mind off these matters and just make progress physically on something for a while and let the mind cool off and re-assert itself on something real
     
  16. Spiritus

    Spiritus Active Member

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    Stop filling his head with dogmas, theories, etc.

    He needs to stop thinking and start listening.

    He is probally one of these guys that you say looks are important and he appears 2km off the horizon, gleeming of a gallon of hair gel and enough axe to chop down a tree.

    Basically he needs to start listening to everything and observing himself and listening to his breath and observing how he moves and if he thinks negatively then he needs to remember to start focusing on his breath again because that will calm and silence the mind and until he does that, he will be grabbing onto the mounds of sands (intellectual theories abundant) instead of listening to his inner Being that will direct him through the entire process anyways, and when he is listening he will actually obtain practical experiance.

    Being rated at something like 97% introverted, I worked well at a call center and could also turn it around to something like 80% extroverted, looking for feedback from customers, etc. Niacin is your friend, but don't be a Niacin fiend. Listen and look and pay attention and never think, and stop thinking by self observing, as this is the key to stopping thinking.

    Thoughts are your biggest problem, secret of the introvert. The thing is, you don't need to think, the way our minds operate is we listen, we pick up (internally because we are smart), then we learn, and through practical learning we can choose when to be introverted (listening), or extroverted (talking, feedback, etc).

    It might take some time for it to really work. I suggest study into self observation. It takes moment to moment effort and isn't for the weak of heart. But it will teach you how to deal with girls, because you will be listening.

    Man, I cannot stress enough not to think but to listen in your case.
     
  17. Spiritus

    Spiritus Active Member

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    If you had to put your hand on a stove, and did not have any instinctive center, you would be like oh, my hands on the stove, oh the stove is hot, oh this is burning, oh my God! Get your hand off the stove! By this time he is off to the hospital.

    Therefor, the instinctive center is about 7x-70x faster then you can think.

    Therefor you should listen until everything becomes instinctive, you know when to act. And you can then let the intellect interfere and turn that instinct into real intuition, because instinct is animalistic, and can always reach a higher grade of refinement. Example, instinct causes animals to run from a Tsunami. And they run, and die, because running wasn't a good idea, but climbing a tree was a good idea (intuition). They new right from the start to do something though - that's my point. Let the boy instinctively know when to do something, then let the intellect kick and do it's thing.

    Thinking too much makes him shy.

    If he stops talking - which is what he's doing now - and starts listening - to the wind, to people talking, to what people are feeling, to examining people's behaviors, to observe one's own behaviors in comparison...

    This work cannot really be put into words. It's this button in your brain. It just goes off.
     
  18. Marcos

    Marcos OT Supporter

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    i know what you're saying and if he can grasp that then, great! i just dont know how well the text will translate to action for him.

    i cant tell if this guy handles life well but has social problems, or whther its all a mess. i hope its just the former
     
  19. Spiritus

    Spiritus Active Member

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    Word... I also hope it's the former, if it's all a mess he can clean his act up.

    Also for the shy guy I recommend vitamin B complex, or one of those vitamin drinks. Now, don't become a vitamin nut, but it has a tenancy to kill shyness. In infantile shyness I do not expect one to be a spiked out Niacin fiend, clearly amped up, rather I would expect a more calmer, natural shy guy.

    Also, never talk about yourself.

    You are the most boring person on earth. Do you want to hear my life story? I am almost the most boring person on earth.

    But do you know what is interesting? Everyone else. They are the most interesting people on earth, we can not get enough of how interesting and interesting they are. Riiiight
     
  20. Ivan

    Ivan New Member

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    Woah, well, that was some intensive read.

    I'm afraid I'd then be too worried trying to listen instead of thinking. Since as someone said this is no rocket science, I'll try to take it easy.

    My life isn't a mess, actually.
    Family is okay, health is okay, work is okay, money is okay. No big worries.
     
  21. Marcos

    Marcos OT Supporter

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    thread starter, im just gonna post some bits as they come to mind, add it to your own theories etc:

    i used to be introvert but not...whats the word...defeated? i just kinda had my own pace in life. but the year between high school and college i decided to do something about my anti-social behaviour, and also the issue with not talking to girls.

    so i just observed and collected and processed in my mind as much information as i could about social matters and how people interact and what people find important etc. then decided what, if anything, i needed to change about my appearance and behaviour.

    oh yeah, also, everyone you meet is good at something, might not be obvious at first, and it might be a bad/evil thing that they are good at, but the point is that you can learn something from everyone. This also gives you something positive to think of everyone, and end everyone prefers someone who is positive than negative.

    btw ive never read any self-help books or anything, ive rarely asked others directly for help in my life and everything i say is just unpolished first-hand experience (and it shows :mamoru:), but to back it up i've gone from being an anti-social near-friendless hermit to extreme socialite at college and now ive calmed down again to find a happy medium after experiencing the good/bad points of both social statuses
     
  22. Marcos

    Marcos OT Supporter

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    good :), then just take it easy
     
  23. Bolix

    Bolix GLOWED UP OT Supporter

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    I've accepted the fact that I'm an introvert for a while now... at first I viewed it as a problem and was pretty dissheartened about the whole matter, but then I just realized, fuck it, I am who I am and I can control myself and that seems to have helped a lot. also if you find yourself worring overly much about situations, look into anxiety problems. I've had a lot of friends get help via Clonozepam(?)/Klonopin
     
  24. Swedish Boost

    Swedish Boost New Member

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    Introvert checking in. Being social makes me tired. I'll hang out with friends and find myself being quiet. Is there a cure? Idk.
     
  25. Spiritus

    Spiritus Active Member

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    That Klonopin can help you out of a ditch and back onto the road, but it's pure destruction and garbage. It created super oxides that lead to free radicals. I have clonazapam in my closet, about half a bottle. The friends who get help from clonazapam will go off it and realize they haven't really been living life the entire time and can immediately see "three steps ahead", because they were so dulled out the entire time they failed to realize their true potential.

    If you are critically shy though, it may be good to use it for a period such as a year, as it is almost a rocket out of shyness, however it reduces "good inhibitions", such as those that prevent you from stealing.

    Either way - listen guys

    Being introverted is not nessesarily a problem.

    It's who you are. We need more introverts in an extroverted world.

    But make no mistake, you have to learn to fly with the flock. In order to be successful we must rely on other people (in the business world, only as example). That means you must obtain sharp communication skills to win influence and business.

    If you cannot do that, you risk a lot. Even introverts that have swam against the current can dominate those introverts who have done little work on themselves.

    In fact, I find that most introverts that have worked heavily on themselves and swam against the current of their introversion have become more effective speakers, have better developed flow, and this is an unexpected result.

    It seems rather then most extroverts that identify with the exterior world, the introvert looks out of his eye sockets to the exterior world, and having raged the battle against pointless inhibition, they can quickly sweep into a situation and using wise judgment from their mind can effect the external around them more proficiently.

    I've met introvert nerds I grew up with in middle school at the university level. Some continued their pattern of excessive computer use, and my sister made mention of how my friend was talking about star wars and making battle noises on campus. That was an introvert that gave up long ago.

    I've met the same people in the arena of heavy drug use, and little education. They are very popular however their futures seem rather limited by poor choices.

    I've seen introverts turn into normal guys.

    And I've seen them turn into saints and tyrants.

    They always turn into something though, or remain in the same spot as if concrete was poured into their boots and set to harden because they were too lazy to move.
     

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