question for the girls...

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by multiplexor, Oct 25, 2004.

  1. multiplexor

    multiplexor Intellectual

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    I've been in a relationship with this girl for about 5 years this december 1st...

    i'm curious... but can you seperate what has to be done in the home with sex?

    sounds weird i know... but me and my girl have been living together for the last year and everytime I wouldn't mind haveing sex with her, she is never in the mood, or as she says she could go without it forever... now i'm not sure because i'm part of the story, and not observing the story (so to speak) but how normal is this? everytime I'll try (i'm not very romantic) she'll shut me down...

    she keeps saying it's because i don't do much aruond the appartment that she doesn't feel close to me... yet she wouldn't have to do a single thing and i'd still be turned on and happy when i see her... it's like i can dissassociate myself from everything outside and focus mainly on her....

    in the end it feel like she wants more of a friendship with me, than a love relationship... hell getting her to say she loves me of compliment me is hard enough to do... i grew up hearing it all the time from my family. (she never heard it from her family, i can understand more this part...) but yeah... it's hard to deal with...

    what's your take on this? sorry if it sounds like written vomit... i just had to get it out... If anything is unclear let me know. I have a terrible time explaining stuff on the first shot... :)

    Thanks...
     
  2. tominos

    tominos New Member

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    well, 5 years you must be doing something right... talk to her about it, and get her to compromise? thats what relationships are, takes work from both sides.
     
  3. BiffHenderson

    BiffHenderson New Member

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    May be time for a sit down. That's a pretty significant part of a relationship. Yes, it's not "the entire" relationship, but when it's lacking, it can become a big problem.
     
  4. franabanana

    franabanana Guest

    Maybe the reason you have no problem getting "turned on and happy" when you see her is b/c you aren't the one who has to deal w/ having to do everything around the apartment. I'm sure that would get really annoying. Why don't you try cleaning house while she's gone, making her dinner, drawing her a bubble bath, etc. (without pushing sex on her for one night.) Let her know that her feelings matter to you, and you're sorry for the way she feels. There is much more to a relationship than sex, and it sounds like you might not be focusing much on those other aspects.
     
  5. kicker2

    kicker2 Guest

    That's sounds like a load of bs. I do a lot of stuff around my apartment when I've got time (when the bf is at work and I've got nothing exciting to do) and my guy is the one person I feel the closest to. I just wonder what it is about this girl that has kept you around for sooo long even though you don't seem as happy as you want to be?
     
  6. Skatari0091

    Skatari0091 Guest

    Have the talk with her and tell her your feelings that you're not happy with the current situation. And also, since you said you're not very romantic, maybe you should try being romantic...some girls will eventually give into sex after some romance.
     
  7. multiplexor

    multiplexor Intellectual

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    ugh depressing... it's my bday today... and i get to end it off with my gf upset at me because i put a paper towel in the toilet...

    she says it's going to block the toilet and got all pissed... :(

    my life... continues.... (she was so great and happy the last couple days... :) )
     
  8. brownNeyes18

    brownNeyes18 New Member

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    if she's different from what she was when you two first got together then her feelings towards you could be changing. Just because you two moved in doesn't mean she be changing as much as you have stated above. I hate to say this but maybe living with you has shown her that she's not really as in love that she thought she was before. Maybe she really does want a friendship. Talk to her. Maybe things at work aren't as they should be but to me it seems like she's ready to move on and is using dumb excuses so that she can ingore what she's feeling.
     
  9. mkevaldz

    mkevaldz New Member

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    Hey I got an idea, make the relationship a team effort...*gasp* I know...sounds weird and crazy, but meet the girl half way, she's stayed with you this long, probably hoping she can change you, but as we all know, you can't change someone who doesn't want to change themself...

    If you don't shape up and start pulling your own weight at home, she will leave you or be miserable with you forever. Don't just do it for two weeks...make youself a check sheet of thigns to do every day if you have to. Sweep/vaccume, dust, whatever the hell...isn't doing chores worth putting a smile on her face? Hell I wake up wondering what I can do today to put a smile on my s/o's face...especially when something is bothering her.

    good luck.
     
  10. Trina

    Trina New Member

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    Lightening up her workload at home, especially if you both work outside the home, goes a LONG way to show her that you care about her. It may sound stupid, but doing your fair share will help her out a lot in feeling that you take her seriously and that you want to contribute to every aspect of the relationship, not just when you feel like you want a piece of her.
     
  11. highres604

    highres604 New Member

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    Get out now. Do you really want the rest of your life to be like this? Seriously. You don't do enough around the house so she does not want to have sex? That is the biggest single load of shit I have seen all day. And I ate at a buffet last night.
    I have been in your situation. Sure you love her, she probably loves you. but it sounds liek she is bored. with you, with her life. whatever.
    In any case, you should take a step ack and re-evaluate everything, because things are not going to magically get better.

    my 2 cents
     
  12. 900stunna

    900stunna Guest

    Kick the bitch out on the street and make her have to suck dick for someone to take her in and let her live there for free, I'm sure she'll change her mind about you pretty quick.
     
  13. highblur

    highblur Whatever will bewilder me.

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    maybe she is going through a plateau (sp?). I personally have gone through this and have no explanation as to why. i knew i loved my boyfriend, but for a month i just stopped enjoying his presence as much as i should have, and stopped enjoying life (i wasn't depressed, per say, just very unhappy for no reason). i thiink the reason is because you are living together since that is when it happened to me too. do not break up with her yet. it is how you stick by her now that will prove to her your love, and it was my bf who finally got me out of my slum. when you live with someone for a while you dont miss them as much, and the butterflies sometimes fade. talk to her, yell at her if you must but make sure she knows you love her. to be honest, sometimes when there are no problems in their life, the women's brain creates problems that have no starting point, therefore they cannot be found and fixed. its stupid, but thus is women, if you dont like it, then become ghey.
    i suggest you go on a short vacation without her or spend the weekend with friends/family and i promise when you return she will be in your arms in a moment. my bf only had to yell at me for acting sad, and walk out of the door to his car for me to realize how right he was and go after him to apologize.
    the lower sex drive may be due to 1) she doesnt get off, therefore sex is something 'for you' that she doesnt feel like doing bc its not worth the effort or 2) her feelings have changed.
    make sure you talk to her because since my bf and i fought about it we have never had any problems in that area and we are so much closer now that i would go crazy if i had lost him because of something so stupid.
     
  14. multiplexor

    multiplexor Intellectual

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    Hey guys.

    I've been reading this thread and trying to analyze myself... see how I am and what not.
    i've been trying to do more around the apt... i've been always joking with her telling her it's "close time" and get close to her, give her a hug, etc...... or i jokingly smother her in kisses and stuff...

    BUT here's the thing... about a month ago i was told about a work party... I was unsure if we were allowed to bring our SO's... so i never brought it up with her figureing like the last couple years, we're only our work employees who show up....

    yesterday on my 5 year aniversary i went to my friends place to chill with my gf (made plans for this saturday instead) and i go over and our friends through a aniversary surprise party for us... in the whole thing my friend/coworker tells me that he's bringing his SO to the xmas party... to my surprise.... well my gf gets upset with that and now tonight as i'm talking with her she tells me that she doesn't feel any passion... maybe it's because of 5 years....

    I asked if she loves me...she said it feels like we just co-exist... i tell her how? I'm always trying to be close to her and hug her, etc... she retaliates with a weak comeback stating that it's only to cop a feel... which i've done like twice... big deal.
    90% of the time i'm hugging her to hug her!

    she turned over and went to sleep...

    so......... i'm in a state of awe... i simply had no comeback... my mind is in shock, i'm drawing blanks :(

    i really don't know what to say... I'm confused and don't know how i feel right now.
     
  15. Isolt78

    Isolt78 Guest

    It sort of sounds to me like she might be using sex as a weapon, which is a VERY bad sign if true...
     
  16. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    The language you use here is extremely telling. You "cop a feel" from a girl who you haven't been with yet. You "cop a feel" - sneak one in - when you and the girl are not physically close yet. You cop a feel from a first date, a strip dancer, someone who it isn't your place to be touching.

    This is your girlfriend. If you want to feel her tits or whereever - and she hasn't said "don't do it" - then that's what you are expected[i/] to do. You can't "cop a feel" from your gf man. Because she's ur gf. It's not like you have to be sneaky about it. You just do it because by being in a relationship you agree to be physical with each other.

    Do you feel like you need to be apologetic for being attracted to your own girlfriend? If you didn't want to kiss her, why would you be with her?

    Something is bugging her. Does she feel bad at all that she has no sex drive? ... I don't mean to sound confrontational in any way, but I've noticed that you seem to feel bad about a lot of things when you should know better... kind of doormat-y :( Maybe you need to realize that she is the one with problems. She doesn't want to have sex - but not because you don't do housework. She doesn't want to have sex with you because she doesn't want to have sex with you. I dunno man, it sounds like you are letting her off easy with some really lame excuses. Get her to be straight with you and take it from there. Maybe she still loves you.
     
  17. BiffHenderson

    BiffHenderson New Member

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    I agree with the above. I think there's something that's getting to her, but it's more that the fact that you may have not cleaned the counters after dinner. I think there's something deeper, and it may not be you.
     
  18. multiplexor

    multiplexor Intellectual

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    That's the thing, being in it, i can't see it :(

    yes for cop'in a feel, like you said, it does feel that way... hell I can rarely touch her because she think's i'm doing it to "get off" or something... honestly holding her, touching any part of her skin makes me feel good.

    Touching her breasts... well that's just built in... I can't help it... wait... I can help it, but it's extremely difficult. But, must i abstain from such activity in a relationship? hell even when having sex she doesn't like me touching her breasts... my ex was waaaay different... she didn't mind and infact it would turn her on... i'm not used to that here... even after 5 years!

    one thing interesting and creepy... is i was reading last night on relationships and came upon a site which compared couples through astrological signs... kinda creepy because it says that I will get bored of being with a virgo because of the lack of sexual drive and will move on...
    reading about her sign said that she's looking for a superficial man who is squeeky clean, tidy, like order etc... freaky part is that i see it in her... the minute something's lying around, BAM it's gotta be cleaned up... whereas me personally I can let it sit there for a while... i'll clean up more when someone comes over (though i won't leave the place a mess all the time)

    anywho, as for me feeling bad about alot of things... I'm over analytical when it comes to that... "did i do something wrong?" "should I not confront her because it's my fault?" etc... i'm weird that way.... it's a BIG BIG reason why I don't get into arguments often... I'm terrible at them.

    oh... and for the physical part... I agree with you... I feel that being in a relationship I should be able to (not all the time...) simply go upto my gf and hold her or do things to her that I couldn't do in a friendship or what not... just as she can do the same with me....





     
  19. multiplexor

    multiplexor Intellectual

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    you know part of me wonders if she see me as a rebound relationship or something....

    she had started dating me about a month after breaking it off with her previous 3 year relationship... just as i had broken up with my ex of 3 years around the same time...

    But my case was different... she was a girl i had a crush on back in high school... so i got to live out a nice dream of dating a girl i had always liked... :)
     
  20. BiffHenderson

    BiffHenderson New Member

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    I'm not a doctor (even though I play one on TV), but I'm wondering if she has OCD (Obsessive Compulive Disorder). Again, it's so hard to tell from a paragraph on the net, but it seems that she wants everything really really neat. It's almost as if her making things neat and tidy leaves no time for other things.
     
  21. mkevaldz

    mkevaldz New Member

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    This is a tough one...there is damage done that may not be repairable...not to her atleast. Your communication with her has fallen apart, she's built walls up over what's really bothering her and avoids the real problem for some reason, as it stands in the relationship aspect of things, you are making all of the efforts, but in the couple aspect, she's doing more for you both. You are both feeling neglected in your own respects, you feel that anything you do for her to be intimate isn't returned or unappreciated, and the things she does for you, cleaning, etc, go unappreciated and unreturned.

    You really need to talk to her...if you aren't good at this kinda thing, maybe see a councelor...she's probably not thrilled with the idea, but tell her you care for her too much not to make more of an effort to make things work out. The only way things are going to work out now is when she opens up and tells you what is really wrong, and how you deal with it from that point on. good luck
     
  22. multiplexor

    multiplexor Intellectual

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    just spoke with her on the phone quickly...

    I flat out told her that I believe i'm putting in alot more effort tha I did before..

    she says fine... your cleaning up more, your physically closer (hugs etc...)

    but she says we're not emotionally connected. I don't understand this term... i feel i can share stuff with her... but i'm not understanding... what does she mean by this?
     
  23. mkevaldz

    mkevaldz New Member

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    I think she's saying she'snot emotionally connected...ask her to explain, tell her you are willing to do anything possible to see her as happy as she used to be...
     
  24. katibug

    katibug di ancuk

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  25. BiffHenderson

    BiffHenderson New Member

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    I agree. For some reason, she doesn't feel connectd. From your posts, it seems like you're really in to her....you have to find out why the feeling isn't mutual.
     
    Last edited: Dec 3, 2004

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