SRS question about serious relationships...all opinions welcomed

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by severedties, Jul 23, 2008.

  1. severedties

    severedties OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Feb 15, 2005
    Messages:
    9,465
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    So. Cal.
    ok, im going to try to keep this as short as i can. I have had my girlfriend for 6 months. Together we are extremely happy, never fight or anything. For the first time ever, i can completely let myself go around her and she can do the same around me. We have an extremely open relationship and tell each other everything, both of us are very honest with each other. We are both very much in love with each other. enough of the sappy bs. here is my situation.

    before we met, all she ever hung out with were guys. She has a certain group of guy friends that were a large part of her life. She swears that she has never once hooked up with any of them but one guy she did have a thing for at one point. They have never really been an issue because when we first started getting real serious, i told her that i cant be in a relationship where she goes out with only guys all the time, especially since all the guys really liek her (more than just friends). She always said that she hates other girls and never gets along with them, thats why she only hangs out with these guys. We are pretty much together 5-6 times a week, every week, since the beggining. Recently she started talking about them again and how she misses her friends, but then takes it back right away and says that she is fine with out them and as long as she has me she is fine. Last week, she went to the beach and ran in to them there and hung out with them pretty much alllll day, then the next night she told me she was going to go over there house to hang for a bit after work. We got into a big fight and i was very clear that i hate when she hangs out with this or any group of guys. Mind you, at this point, i have NEVER met any of them. She never went to the guys house that night, but less than a week later, she tells me she is going to this guys house to go in the spa with all them and a few of their GF's (again, im not invited, still never met)...i yell at her over this and she doesnt go again. Finally last weekend, they invited her to a club and she asked to go, but she wanted me to come this time to meet them, i agreee, we go, i met them, they are what ever, end of story. So today, i get a text saying she is going out tonight after work, i asked where, and she responded, "to a club with the guys", again, i told her that is very disrespectful that she even wants to go to a club with a group of guys, im not invited, just her and them. I dont see her ever stopping this, even though she promised they would not be an issue. Am i over looking the whole situation and should i not worry and just let her go be with this group of guys i have met with once? Or am i in the right and that is BS that she wants to hang out with only guys, go to their house, clubs, etc? she tries to make me feel bad and say that i dont want her to have friends, which is bs, i just dont want her to have guy friend, because we all know that somebody will always want the other. please help me before i go insane :hsd::hsd::hsd::hsd::hsd::hsd:
     
  2. Sr20magik

    Sr20magik OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Sep 6, 2007
    Messages:
    7,870
    Likes Received:
    48
    Location:
    Long Island, NY
    Damn... Ummm how were the guys? Did you get along with them? Were they cool? I think you have major trust issues. But also she shouldn't have a problem inviting you out with her most of the time. I have a bunch of girls that are just my friends and nothing ever happens. I had a problem like this in an old relationship, and in the end i was right for being jealous cause she ended up cheating. Snice you say she doesnt lie to you trust her. Cause the more you deny her from seeing her friends the more upset shes going to be with you. In turn that might lead her to one day rebel and do something stupid just cause shes upset with you. Try and go out with you're friends as well. Don't just stay home while shes out having fun. The more you stay home while shes out the more insecure you're going to feel about it. :hsd:
     
  3. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2006
    Messages:
    32,592
    Likes Received:
    5
    I particularly took an interest in this thread because it's 100% my situation. I'm a girl. I'm a tomboy and 99% of my friendships through life have been with men. I've had girl friends, but our friendships just always fell through and turned to shit since I just get along better with men. Anyway, my entire dating life has been filled wth insecure men who couldn't accept and take this. You are one of these men.

    I understand completely that you feel threatened, I really do, because I've also dated one of the guys in my close friend circle and I know that some of them might possibly harbor crushes on me... but I just dont care. I don't want any of them. I love my bf and only him. I wouldn't hang out wth them if I felt feelings for them. She even said most of her guy friend's have girlfriends man.

    I wasn't there with you in the beginning so I don't know if you gave her an ultimatum or correctly just stated that you couldn't date someone who had all male friends....but it's obvious she cared about you more so she chose you. However, that's not healthy to expect she'd just dump them all for you, in fact its sad, selfish and pathetic on your part.

    It sounds like you guys are young and until now have been smothering each other because you are falling in love, but believe me when I say your infatuation feelings will start to fade (moreso on her part) if you keep up this controlling jealous act. In fact it sounds like the rose-colored glasses are off her face now.

    One of the main reasons I've stayed with my bf and love him after 2 years is because he's confident and trusts me enough to not give a shit when I go to hang out with them alone, or get lunch with one of them some day. He trusts me. What is alarming is that after 6 months of being up each others asses you never met any of her friends until recently. I'm willing to bet you've always been a huffy bitch about them from the beginning and so she's never even wanted to introduce you to them (and by your reaction to them I'm pretty sure I'm right).

    Whether you want to accept it or not you are keeping her from having friends. Those are her friends. Trust me when I say your relationship is going to go down the toilet very fast now if you keep acting the way you are. My bf had a tiny issue with it at the start of our relationship, but that was with the guy I dated who was still a bud to me. I explained a few times that it was over, nothing important, introduced him to them all and now they are all good friends. She's not inviting you now not because she wants to flirt with them or whatever, but because you are being such a douche about it all. I'm sure you watch her like a hawk with then and make he feel uncomfortable.

    Your life can't revolve around her. Do you even have friends of your own?

    Relationships can and have failed when one partner disapproves of their SO's friends. You need to decide soon if you truly can't be in a relationship with a girl just because she has male friends. It's not fair to her at all.
     
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2008
  4. Sr20magik

    Sr20magik OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Sep 6, 2007
    Messages:
    7,870
    Likes Received:
    48
    Location:
    Long Island, NY
    Main things i was trying to say with my post. Just trust her man no need to act this way. Like iwishyouwere said you're being very selfish.
     
  5. Ideotique

    Ideotique Drinking on monday nights does not make me an alco

    Joined:
    Jul 11, 2004
    Messages:
    11,333
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Awestralia
    Be careful. I'm the opposite. A straight guy who has always had more female friends than male (trust me, I thought I could be gay for a while as well, but not the case). Any girl that has tried to cut down on me catching up with female friends, some of whom I have had since I was 5, has serious trust issues.

    I don't see myself being with any of them, they are just a good group of friends. But then again, I have never kept any gf away from my female friends or lied about going out with them.
     
  6. hbrown023

    hbrown023 New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 18, 2006
    Messages:
    108
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    ATL
    She will end up resenting the hell out of you if you don't let her hang out with her friends. If you're afraid she's gonna cheat on you there's nothing you can do about it if she does because you can't be with her 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Trust her and let her have her friends. (Not trying to be an ass by the way..sorry if it came off harsh)
     
  7. severedties

    severedties OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Feb 15, 2005
    Messages:
    9,465
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    So. Cal.
    i appreciate all of your responses. i have always known that i have serious trust issues because of some family problems when i was a kid. i know this and so does she, i just didnt realize it was as bad as you guys are pointing out. For those who had the question, yes i have my own friends, yes i have a life out side of her, and no i have not nor will i ever smother her. We have always been equals as far as wanting to be with each other.

    i guess the thing is, growing up, every time i saw a girl come in to our group with a boy friend, she ended up cheating. I have been around and seen a lot of cheating, and seen too many heart get broken.

    Thank you guys for pointing out my flaw and hopefully i can repair any damage (if any) in my relationship.

    so my next question is....how can i learn to trust....i trust her with my life, i just scared to death im gunna get cheated on or fucked over, not just by her, but any girl :hsd:
     
  8. Sr20magik

    Sr20magik OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Sep 6, 2007
    Messages:
    7,870
    Likes Received:
    48
    Location:
    Long Island, NY
    Well bro its just a chance you have to take. I seen many girls with boyfriends cheat and lie all the time. But she may not be this way. Not all women lie and cheat.You just have to give her a chance. Good luck!:wavey:
     
  9. dan7532

    dan7532 New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 8, 2008
    Messages:
    387
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    St. Louis, MO
    Can we please just close all advice threads and direct any and all posts to this girl's inbox? Seriously, she by far consistently gives the best advice on the forum (imo) with regards to relationships. Kudos to you, iwishyouwerebeer.
     
  10. CaiWooBlue

    CaiWooBlue New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 15, 2007
    Messages:
    371
    Likes Received:
    0
    IWYWB is spot on with her answer.

    To the threadstarter.. in my opinion, if you are going to make relationships works, you have to almost forget about what you have experienced in the past with others, or what you have seen. Everyone is different. Just because you have seen other girls cheat, does not mean she will, but if you color your opinions of everything from the past, you wont have a clear head and you will expect bad things to happen.

    At that same time, you dont have to forget about the past ompletely, so long as you are able to realize that you have to focus in the NOW with this girl, or it is going to become seriously fucked up with her.

    My husband has mostly female friends, I have mostly male friends. I trust, as he does that he wants to be with me, because he is with me. I come home to him each night, he comes home to me each night. Without that trust, I am sure there would be many jealousy issues, but there isnt.

    First thing I thought oif when I read this was the whole "bros before hoes" bit (note Im not calling your girl this). She is looking at these guys as friends, not GUYS, and in you asking her to put you before all of her friends, especially this early in a relationship is uncalled for. How would you feel if she were to say you can not hand ith your buddies, just me. Regardless if if they are male or female. They are just friends, and you have to trust that this is true.

    If she is a cheater, she is going to cheat, regardless if who her friends are. Its a risk you have to take if you want to be in a relationship, with anyone.
     
  11. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2006
    Messages:
    32,592
    Likes Received:
    5
    :hs: stop it!

    This topic just hits way close to home is all.

    To the TS, good luck. I can understand that you are afraid of getting cheated on or hurt. I felt that way for many years after actually getting cheated on and it killed me inside. But then I picked myself up, slapped myself in the face and said "That's life! Deal with it because if someone cheats on you then they are weak and not anyone you ever want to associate with anyway." Ever since then I've handled relationships on a higher level, trying to think through things in the most rational way so that I don't let my emotions get the best of me.

    The ironic thing is if you keep handling this all like you are she will most likely cheat on you. People cheat when they are unhappy, bored, smothered, etc. It's like when an overbearing parent sets an early curfew for a kid, the kid naturally gets angry and wants to rebel. In your case you are whining about these guys and you practically forbid her to hang out with them by guilting her. This is only going to make her resent you more and want to be with them over you much more.

    My opinion? Apologize first of all. Explain yourself to her and say you are really going to try and work on how you feel about her having male friends but she also has to work on it. Say that you'd appreciate being invited to these gatherings so that you can get a better feel for the guys and keep an open mind. This is supposedly the woman you love, so make an effort.
     
  12. severedties

    severedties OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Feb 15, 2005
    Messages:
    9,465
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    So. Cal.
    thanks for all your help.

    what is your opinion on her (or in your case, your husband) going out with some friends of the opposite sex and getting drunk. There has to be a point where enough is enough, forget trust, its about respect. I for one am fine with leaving my female friends behind if she asked out of respect for her and our relationship, but i guess that is just me.

    I have already apologized and told her how wrong i was, but i have to find this point where, she needs to respect me, my feelings, and our relationship, no? i dont want her out drinking with guys, with out me, that too me is total BS and god forbid, gets a little too drunk and one of her "guy friends" takes advantage of her state of mind. Its a known fact that these guys like her, they admitted to her already, numerous times, so in my opinion being a guy, they have ulterior motives behind their friendship that she is too blind to see. None of these guys approved of our relationship and all told her that she should break up with me (this was a few months ago) not sure if this changes anybodies opinion, just telling the whole story.
     
  13. beanolo

    beanolo It does a body good!!!1

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2003
    Messages:
    7,347
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Bay Area
    You are justified in feeling that way since you know they are interested in getting with her. But... there's not much you can do about it. All you can do is trust her until she gives you reason not to.

    I'm sure going into the relationship you knew she had a lot of guy friends? You can't expect to just jump into her circle and pull her out. The fact of the matter is, is that she hasn't given you any reason NOT to trust her. She always tells you where, when and who she is going out with.

    It's when she begins to lie or tell you otherwise when you have a potential problem. However, keep up with the control antics and I'm sure you'll be there soon.
     
  14. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

    Joined:
    May 29, 2000
    Messages:
    49,189
    Likes Received:
    6
    Location:
    San Diego, CA
    This is where I feel she is crossing the line. It's one thing to hang out with the guys if they are going out to lunch or to the beach or something. Going out drinking and clubbing without you there is going too far though. If you aren't invited to those type of activites then I'm guessing it's because she wants to flirt or dance with them and act like she is single. Are these guy's gfs there? In your relationship, is dancing/grinding with other people at clubs acceptable?
     
  15. beanolo

    beanolo It does a body good!!!1

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2003
    Messages:
    7,347
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Bay Area
    This is what I'm assuming too... but hard to say without hearing the other side to it.
     
  16. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2006
    Messages:
    32,592
    Likes Received:
    5
    Well that part bothered me, the part where she wanted to go to the clubs with them a second time without you, HOWEVER, it seemed pretty obvious to me that the only reason she didn't invite you (she invited you the first time, remember?) is because whether you realize it or not you probably made her feel awkward the whole night.

    Even when you described meeting the guys in type on here it still came off as condescending as "Ugh, they were all lame. Stupid guys that had nothing cool about them." So I'm almost positive you probably came off as a dick to them, not to mention all they think when they hear about you is "oh great, here's that controlling asshole _____'s boyfriend. I wish she'd wake up and dump that douche bag." Not because they want her even, but if I had a friend who had a bf/gf doing what you are doing I'd tell them to dump her/him too!

    In other words, I wouldn't want to invite you out again either because all you've done to this girl is made her feel guilty for who she wants to hang out with, when she can hang out with them, etc. You are a buzzkill basically. In her mind after that first night at the club with you and them she's probably thinking how much unnecessary tension there was and she wants to have fun, not have you watching over her. My bf is with me and my guy friends I'd say every 2 out of 3 times I see them. But if he always made me feel awkward I'd stop inviting him too!

    But, this should still not be the way it is from now on. I would understand beng upset if they are going clubbing since that usually involves dancing, but I'm pretty sure I know why you weren't invited this last time. I'm glad you've apologized and explained yourself...but you've gotten yourself in pretty deep. From this point on you kind of have to build her trust and faith back in you. If you keep reiterating to her that you'd really like to work on how you feel about her guy frends and would like to hang with them more and get to know them she might still be wary, but it's the right step. The more you get to know them the more they realize you exist, the more you might like them, the more your gf will appreciate the effort, and so on.

    I've gone to bars with just some of my friends without my bf (we're not married) and he was totally fine with it, in fact sometimes he'd go to a different bar with his friends :dunno: Again, my guy friends know I am taken, they know I am happy, they know I wouldn't cheat on him. Even when we have been wasted with eachother nothing has ever even gotten close to cheating with them because they know it won't happen with me and they respect my bf now.

    If you love this girl you have to really work. Relationships and problems go hand in hand and if you succeed in fixing the problems it only makes the relationship stronger and more worthwhile. Up until now you seemed proud that you had never had a fight, but that is just naive thinking. Fights and making up are what make a real relationship.
     
  17. kiri

    kiri New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 15, 2006
    Messages:
    25,186
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Miami, FL
    TS: you have met all her guy friends... don't you have a "feel" for how she acts with them? i think it's pretty easy to tell if she's just friends with them or if there's chemistry.
     
  18. teep

    teep New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 7, 2006
    Messages:
    4,660
    Likes Received:
    0
    This hits pretty close to home for me too. You're in a stage where you hangout 24/7 so it feels weird when all of a sudden she wants to hangout with her friends without you. I had plenty of arguments with my girlfriend at that point in our relationship because of the same exact thing. Trust me when I say this though, It's not about you. It's not that she doesn't want you there it's that when an SO is there it changes the entire dynamic of things. It's important to have friends outside your relationship and to be a good friend sometimes you have to exclude your SO. My advice to you is when she wants to hangout with her friends, whatever gender they may be, you go get a beer with the guys.

    One of my really good friends told me something a while back and it really stuck. I had been MIA with my friends for a while because of the GF. He said that of course he understands, but it's important to make sure you make time for your friends even if it's just sitting around talking about random shit. He told me that, "girls will come and go, but your boys are always going to be there for you."

    Also, to avoid awkwardness/suspicion, for your sake and hers, try becoming friends with her guy friends. When I first started dating my gf, one of her closest friends was a guy that I was super wary of. She wanted to go visit him while he was away, wanted to go drinking with him, etc. I was absolutely convinced that he would make a move and something bad would happen. I started hanging out with him more and more though, and he actually became one of my best friends in college.

    You don't have to go that far, but even mutual friendliness will go a long way to ease your worries.
     
  19. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2006
    Messages:
    32,592
    Likes Received:
    5
    .
     
  20. eXyle

    eXyle ׂ

    Joined:
    Apr 6, 2003
    Messages:
    2,774
    Likes Received:
    0
    the only issue i see is that it took quite some time before you met her friends. however, taking into account your attitude, it's understandable why it took so long.

    here's a simple way of looking at it, unless she recently became friends with them, then you really have nothing to worry about. why? well, if something were to happen, it would've happened by now. so if nothing has happened with them, they are all most likely friendzoned and nothing will ever happen.

    the only issue you should have with these friends of hers is if they are actively trying to undermine your relationship with her. however, that applies to her male and female friends.
     
  21. Striker22

    Striker22 New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2007
    Messages:
    11,060
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    hell
    You should take some real time to meet these "guy friends" and check their motives.. because the both of us know what a guy is typically after and or chasing. It takes one move, and one alpha male and you could find yourself in quite a hole...
     
  22. eXyle

    eXyle ׂ

    Joined:
    Apr 6, 2003
    Messages:
    2,774
    Likes Received:
    0
    live your life. you should be happy and content with your life without her or any girl in the picture. she should be enhancing your life, be your companion and add to the happiness you already have.

    trying to prevent her from cheating on you will do nothing. if she's going to cheat, she's going to cheat. personally, i rather she reveal her true colors so i can move on and find someone who's not like that rather than straining myself in doing everything i possibly can to prevent it from happening.

    be more confident in yourself, if she's with you it's because she likes you and wants to be with you. get those "she's only with me until she finds someone better" thoughts out of your head. it all comes down to self-esteem. you have to feel that you have a lot to offer and that while some other men may be better than you, it doesn't phase you. if she cheats, it's her loss. you're already happy with yourself and your life and you'll simply find someone else to enhance your life.

    getting cheated on sucks, but you have to believe that you will be able to handle it and that you will have no issues picking up the pieces, putting them back together, and moving forward with your life.

    in the end, it's all comes down to you. work on yourself and these trust issues will begin to fade away.
     
  23. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2006
    Messages:
    32,592
    Likes Received:
    5
    well put
     
  24. whippet_1

    whippet_1 Active Member

    Joined:
    Feb 6, 2005
    Messages:
    17,039
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    T dot
    Do you know anything in regards to her past?
     
  25. Dodger Blue

    Dodger Blue OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Aug 11, 2004
    Messages:
    14,353
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Brooklyn
    I def agree that you should be able to meet them before she really hung out with just them. If you were early in the relationship probably would not be a big deal but since 6 months is a decent period of time I believe you did deserve to see who she is hanging out with.

    Your situation is thoug. You gotta let your g/f breath and be with her friends but it's all guys so it's a tough situation.

    Not sure your age but this is one reason I prefer to date girls that are past the clubbing scene. When I think of clubs I think of places where girls dress hoochie as hell and are grinding all over guys. If she's going to a club with just guys chances are she is going to dance with them.

    Maybe your not ready for a serious relationship with her. I do think somewhere along the line that if a guy and girl want a serious relationship they should really cut out the bar scenes and clubbing scenes if you're not with each other. Sometimes every blue moon it's okay but I just don't think it's healthy for a relationship. Anytime there is drinking involved you can regret things that happen. That's why you don't put yourself in that situation.

    Maybe you should just go out with her more when she wants to go out with these guys. I don't think there is anything wrong with that until you get to know them good. Let the guys get to know you as well. They may treat her differently which would be good for you. A lot of times if guys are friends with a girl they will flirt heavily with them and joke around in a flirty way even if they know the girl has a b/f. But if they know the actual boyfriend they may recognize the boundaries of what is respectable.

    Say you meet the guys and get to know them. They may think to themselves, I'd love to go grind on Sara on the dance floor but Rob's a nice guy and I don't wanna do that to there relationship.
     

Share This Page