Pulling through rough patches?

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by Osiris^, Apr 2, 2008.

  1. Osiris^

    Osiris^ Creepy as fuck son OT Supporter

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    Hi all,

    Just wanna explain our situation and talk about rough patches in relationships really.

    My girlfriend and I have been very friend-like for the past 6 months or so, and we've been e-mailing each other back and forth today (she's in work) trying to work out what to do. She said it feels different to what it used to. She said we act and talk like friends, but she said she's still in love with me and wants to try and work it out. I said I just felt like a spare part in her life; like I wasn't really required or needed anymore. She just doesn't seem that into me anymore, in the sense that when I suggest things we could do/places we could go, she's just so nonchalant about it.

    She was very calm about it, didn't do the whole "oh it's your fault because of <this>, <this> and <this>", she just suggested we talk about it when she gets home as she's in work and it's making her quite upset. I said that was cool, and maybe we could go to our local pub and have a quiet drink and talk calmy about it, as the monotony of the house doesn't help sometimes. Plus I wanted a little alcohol to loosen her up a bit.

    Other stuff:

    - I'm 21, she's 23.

    - We've been living together for 2 years in June, and together roughly 8 months or so before that (the moving in wasn't rushed, it was both convenient in terms of my uni and her work, as well as what we wanted to do).


    So, to those of you who have been in these "rough patches", how did you get through them? Is it possible to get through them and come back stronger than before? Or are we just prolonging the inevitable? I know relationships aren't plain sailing, and that we will experience some obstacles from time to time, but surely you have to try and work through them right?

    Cheers.

    PS: Feel a bit :o for admitting this, but when we were e-mailing each other I did shed a few tears, as the reality of us not being together anymore started to hit home. Not sure whether that's good or bad :wtc:
     
  2. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Sounds just like a typical case of falling out of love :dunno: She's not "in love" with you, she just loves you, the same way you love a great friend.

    Using alcohol to loosen her up so you can talk about how you feel about one another? :hsugh: I'll just skip the fact of how that is wrong/dumb.

    Sigh....you can try to work through it but the only advice there really is is for you to work it out on your own. You can try to start over fresh. You need to up your level of communication with each other.

    Do you really want to fight for this? Why this girl? You're only 21 years old. You've felt your relationship getting like this for 6 months and are only trying to do something about it now? How long have you been together?
     
  3. Osiris^

    Osiris^ Creepy as fuck son OT Supporter

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    :(

    I really love her, that's why.

    She's not that easy to talk to and, when she does talk, she doesn't open up that much. We've been together about 2 and a half years, but we've loved each other for over 3 years.
     
  4. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    OK...I can understand a stubborn person who's not easy to get open up...but don't you think at a crucial time in your relationship like this she will really go all out and do everything that it takes to make things work?

    If she doesn't, then move on. Why would you want to stay in a relationship with a woman who won't do everything it takes to fight for you and keep your relationship alive, even if that includes deep conversations about what's wrong in her mind and how she feels?

    Relationships dont work without open communication.
     
  5. Osiris^

    Osiris^ Creepy as fuck son OT Supporter

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    I know, and it's strange, because I'd consider myself quite a talker, and I'm more than happy to open up about my feelings to her.

    We're going to talk things over tonight when she comes home from work. I know you don't agree with it, but with a bit of alcohol inside her she will be more open with me, and perhaps, say things that she isn't quite comfortable enough to say normally. For example, if the problem is something very personal, I know that stone-cold-sober she'll just skirt around the issue.

    It's not the best way, but desperate measures and all that.
     
  6. Exiled

    Exiled New Member

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    Good luck! :)
     
  7. yankeeschick14

    yankeeschick14 New Member

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    yeah we've gone through rough patches, and really really good patches as well. Sometimes I'm absolutely head over heels, and sometimes we have to push ourselves to reconnect. These things do cycle, and talking about them and resolving your issues can result in you having an even stronger relationship before.

    I dont believe age has anything to do with it, you're both adults, and we've all heard of relationships working out from much younger than that age. However, this does appear to be a common criticism here on the vag.

    Good luck to you.
     
  8. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    tip of advice:

    If you have concerns about relationships, don't discuss them through email. Besides the fact that you can't read all the body language, voice nuances, etc, what happens if something comes up and she doesn't email you back right away? You could get all antsy and nervous.

    Talk about this stuff IN PERSON when you both have plenty of free time to do so.
     
  9. chlywly

    chlywly Active Member

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    Rough patches are an absolutely normal and healthy part of a relationship, and communication is definitely imperative, as for being in love or loving someone, most of that is complete horse-shot semantics. In order to maintain that spark and or passion, both partners have to maintain and exert an amount of will power to not only work on themselves and enjoy their alone time, but also make sure to engage one another and do interesting things together.

    Keeping a relationship alive, isn't as simple as just living together and speaking to one another. A romantic relationship is like a flower, it takes the right amount of light/water etc, you can't simply leave it in your room and expect it to thrive.

    Certainly you need to communicate... However more importantly you need to know what YOU need to do and also let her know what she has to change, because if you are unhappy it has to be communicated.

    As for alcohol to loosen her up, it's actually a pretty good idea. As long as it's a beer or a glass of wine and you don't go overboard... A change of scenery is also a great idea.

    Keep in mind, when talking, look at her in the eye and either hold her hands or either way, make sure you are touching..........
     
  10. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    :bigthumb:
     
  11. Osiris^

    Osiris^ Creepy as fuck son OT Supporter

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    Well, sort of an update.

    We didn't end up talking about the problems. It was weird, she came home and everything just sort of clicked. We sat on the bed while she talked about her day, as there had been a lot of firings and drama within the office. So, while she was talking about that, I gave her my full attention. We the went out to get some chips (fries). Later on I sat with her while she was in the bath and we were just chatting about random BS, nothing important. Then when she got out I gave her a massage on the bed before we went to sleep.

    It didn’t feel right at any point in the night to bring it up, which was odd, so I just asked her in bed if she wanted that talk, and she said “No, everything’s been great tonight”. The one thing I did ask, though, which for me was the most important question of all: "By 'we feel like friends' do you mean I'm starting to only feel like a friend, i.e you're starting to fall out of love with me?" To which she replied "No, not at all".

    Maybe she just wants more attention in the relationship? It’s hard to judge why she perceived last night as being so different from any other night really. It’s also difficult to judge the situation when you’re in the middle of it 24/7. Perhaps we’ve just fallen into a bit of a rut.

    In any case, I still want to talk about it, and will do so tonight, because yesterday she really sounded like – although the e-mailing didn’t help – that she was going to finish it.

    Perhaps, we hadn’t been making the effort to connect on a regular basis, and last night we did?
     
  12. chlywly

    chlywly Active Member

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    That's good that you had some nice time together, however you need to realize you would be the last person who she would openly tell she was falling in love out of, she will not want to hurt you if in fact that is the case; and I am not saying it isn't. You need to learn NOT to bring up such subtleties of feelings towards one another, it also kills romance.

    You need to harness your powers of observation, look at what she 'does' rather than what she 'says'... etc etc

    See my above post for advise, Good luck.
     
  13. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    :mamoru: :uh: Why am I not shocked?

    All I'm going to say is if you don't talk about it and keep using "things are going great tonight!" as the excuse then one day she's going to bring it up again out of nowhere and you'll realize all the same issues haven't been resolved.

    So yeah, keep riding the possible good nights, but certainly don't sink back into denial that magically without conversing about your feelings and issues everything is better forever.

    I find it hilarious that you could have easily brought up questions at any point in the night, but notice how you were walking on eggshells not to possibly ruin a good mood. You already told us all that she hates to open up about her feelings and talk about important issues....yet you weren't shocked and just took it as if it was fine when she said she had no problems right then that she wanted to talk about. Then you ask her about the friend comment (which is an powerful statement on her part)...yet you just take her one statement
    :ugh: You do realize that is a very important question that deserves a more in depth answer than "no, not at all," right?

    This is ridiculous and you better sort out your issues soon. Otherwise you're just going to push them down as if they'll disappear and be faced eventually with them again kicking yourself for never fixing them in the first place.
     
  14. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    do you guys ever do date nights? something as simple as making a point to take each other out on dates once a week or so could help change things to feel like a relationship as opposed to just friends living together. these dates dont have to be anything that costs money either. take turns planning what to do. have a picnic in the park. go for a walk and hold hands. have dinner at the place where you had your first date.

    if things dont get better or change after making those efforts....then its another issue probably
     
  15. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    I saw an article recently on women "training" their spouses

    The gist of the article was this:

    Ignore the behavior you don't like (don't whine, complain, or bitch)

    Reward the behavior you do like
     
  16. Osiris^

    Osiris^ Creepy as fuck son OT Supporter

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    Okay, *scratches head*, I'll give the serious conversation a go tonight and see what comes from it. I know her saying "no, not at all" to a very serious question wasn't the best of answers, but I can't control what she says, and I'm not a mind-reader. Thus, if she says "no, not at all" then a large part of me just wants to believe that's true - even though I know she's unlikely to flat out say the contrary, if it was true.

    Oh well, I'll give it a go now, and see what she says about us being too friend-like, as that was the main issue.

    LOL I suck :o
     
  17. Osiris^

    Osiris^ Creepy as fuck son OT Supporter

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    Ok, I had another go, but as usual it's like trying to get blood out of a stone with her. Bearing in mind, she's the crappiest explainer I've ever met. She's terrible at explaining things, and when you ask her to explain her feelings it's almost impossible. It sounds like she's being evasive, but I honestly don't think she is.

    I first said "When you mean we're too friend-like? Do you mean in terms of feelings, activities, or?" (Trying to leave the question open ended). She responded with "The way we are with each other, we're too friend-like".

    I asked her to elaborate on what she meant by us being too friend-like, and she said "We used to hug all the time, hold hands in public all the time, not sit on opposite sides of the sofa". She does have a point there, for example if we're nipping into the supermarket to get some things, we do tend to rush in, as opposed to amble along slowly, hand in hand and such like. I suppose that is quite friend-like, though, but I can't help it. She IS my friend as well as my girlfriend. I do talk to her like she's one of my mates, but I suppose that's a bit of a double-edged sword, in the sense that it's almost demoting her slightly, even though it's meant as a compliment.

    I then said "I interpreted your comments on e-mail as meaning your feelings towards the relationship, or towards me had changed". She then said "No, I'm not going to leave you, and I don't want to leave you. I feel exactly the same as I've always felt, but we've just been too friendly over the past few months".

    I asked her if we were more like a boyfriend/girlfriend a year ago, and she said yes. I asked her in what way, and she said "I've just said that. We were more affectionate, with hugging and kissing and stuff".

    I decided to leave it at that, then, as whatever way I tried to word things just ended up with the same response. From the way in which she was speaking, I felt as though I was reading more into the situation than what was actually there. But, again, I'm not a mind-reader. I'm trying my best, but I can still only go on what she says and what I think she's trying to say.

    I think she just feels a little under-appreciated and lacking affection?
     
    Last edited: Apr 3, 2008
  18. Osiris^

    Osiris^ Creepy as fuck son OT Supporter

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    She's very affectionate, just not sexual.
     
  19. kristaliah

    kristaliah New Member

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    I agree and disagree about the no email thing... Obviously they have a communication issue which means it's hard for one, or both parties to open up. Sometimes email would be a good catalyst to get these more serious discussions going. If it's hard for her to open up, an email would be a great start but extend that into a in person conversation.
     
  20. Osiris^

    Osiris^ Creepy as fuck son OT Supporter

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    I resent the fact that I'm supposed to be all affectionate, while I get nothing sexual/intimate back in return, yes.
     
  21. yankeeschick14

    yankeeschick14 New Member

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    AK is right...in the low points of my relationship that I can think of, its because we allowed ourselves to fall more into that "friends" category than a couple. When he was treating me like i was the best thing to ever happen to him, and holding my hand (not necessarily just in public, but laying on the couch watching TV and stuff too), and really listening to me speak and giving me the attention I needed, I was more open to things sexually and felt much more intimately attached to him. I was giving him all those things right back. When we were having rough patches, our personal care and attention for each other fell by the wayside, and that was probably a vicious cycle. You have to break the cycle. Your intimate act of being with her while she bathes was a good start, and giving her a massage was very good too. Try to keep up these little activities and you can bring the romance back in.
     
  22. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

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    :werd: and :werd:

    If you want her to stay your gf then you need to treat her like she is. When one of you leaves or comes home don't just give each other a quick little peck, give her a real kiss-nice and passionate. Don't save the good kisses for only the times when you want sex, those should happen often and it will make her want sex more. Cuddle up together when you watch tv instead of sitting far away from each other. Affection should happen all the time, not just when you want sex.
     
  23. R KriLLz

    R KriLLz Uncomfortable in my own skin.

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    shit, my girl keeps to herself so much, we have to do ecstasy every so often just to touch base.
     
  24. Elphaba

    Elphaba New Member

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    Wow, thats healthy...:ugh:
     

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