Problems with the lady friend, female input needed.

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by nofriends, Jun 3, 2008.

  1. nofriends

    nofriends OT Supporter

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    Ok, so the lady and I have been dating for about a year and a half now and everything has been super except for her tendency to get jealous when I hang out with female friends. I dont want to make it a long drawn out story, so I'll just lay out the facts.

    -Never cheated on her
    -Never dated/hooked up with any of these girls, they are friends from high school
    -Hang out with female friend(s) once every 1-2 months or so
    -Usually will meet them for dinner somewhere and I'm back home within 2 hours
    -Relatively young (She's 20, I'm 24)
    -Countless talks on the subject
    -She hangs out with her guy friends multiple times during a month (although she "never has dinner with them")

    I'm at the point where I am tired of the same old arguement and am questioning my desire to keep fighting the battle and remain in the relationship. Everything else about the girl is awesome, I just cant take the jealousy anymore. Am I out of line for thinking she is being completely unreasonable? Anybody with experience on how to handle something like this? :hsd:
     
  2. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Getting "dinner" with a girl "friend" by yourself can be anxiety-inducing to any woman, even a confident one.

    We've discussed this kind of thing before in here but I'll ask the first most important question:

    Do you ask your girlfriend if she wants to come when you hang out with these girl friends?
     
  3. nofriends

    nofriends OT Supporter

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    I've asked her multiple times in the past but she does not feel comfortable being there, so she usually declines.
     
  4. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Ok, that's what I was most curious about.

    Thanks to that answer I have completely different opinion. If you are going out of your way to make her try and feel comfortable (inviting her) and she is turning down these invites then she has no right to get upset, that's it.

    I have mostly male friends but I invite my bf every time and now he's friends with all of them and trusts them completely if I ever do hang out with them alone. I don't know why she is insecure, unless she's been cheated on or just doesn't trust you for some reason...but it's not good.

    You barely even see these girls, however, going to dinner still comes off kind of intimate to women. She is also only 20 years old, so I'm sure this is her first semi-adult relationship, she could be very immature and have a lot to learn.

    Honestly, I'm sure you are exhausted talking this over with her (I don't blame you), but I think it's a perfectly valid reason to break up. If she doesn't trust you then you'll never last.
     
  5. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    if she spends time with male friends, i don't see how she can object
     
  6. nofriends

    nofriends OT Supporter

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    My hopes are that since she is young she will mature out of it and realize how silly it is, but I don't know how long I can stick around until she gets to that point.

    Is there anything that I can try or explain to her to make this less of an issue? I'm stretching for reasons to keep this going at this point and am going to result to flipping on the dick switch. After explaining to her that I am tired of her getting upset and she needs to trust me, if she gets upset with me having dinner with these girls, I am just not going to try and soothe her anymore. If she wants to be mad, she can be mad but I'm not going to be bothered by it.

    I hate having to resort to this, but its really all I have left. I can talk until I'm blue in the face and I dont think it will have any effect.
     
  7. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    The only thing that should be said (other than all the obvious things I'm sure you've reassured her of) is the fact that you have invited her to go out with them. Make sure she knows you have nothing to hide and you invite her along to see that you all are truly just friends.

    If she continues to say no or disregard this point then it's never going to work. She'll NEVER get over it man. In fact, it will never just go away unless you stop seeing these women. Jealous, insecure women are always jealous, insecure women until they see the light (which usually only comes after being dumped for that reason-and even then not always does that happen).
     
  8. nofriends

    nofriends OT Supporter

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    Thanks. Looks like I have some thinking to do...
     
  9. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Very true. However, if I were her and my bf invited me out you'd better believe I'd go. I'd probably go once and even if they were talking about Mrs. Perkin's junior English class I'd still go just to show myself "oh, this is all it is" and be done with it.
     
  10. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Maybe so, but the TS swear he has no interest in them that way so I'm just taking his word on it :dunno:

    Doesn't matter if the girls have crushes on him, sae way it doesn't matter to me if any of my guy friends have crushes on me. I'm not leading anyone on nor would I ever attempt anything so she should trust him at face value. If she doesn't and never will after the supposed million times this has been brought up they are pretty much doomed unless he never has a female friend the rest of his life.

    But I do agree the fact that it's a dinner (even if it's only every few months) is still a little too intimate.
     
  11. nofriends

    nofriends OT Supporter

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    She has the feeling that these girls may have feelings for me, but my thinking is that as long as I have no interest, what difference does it make?

    I'm the one who can stop the situation at any time should it be heading down an unacceptable path. If she trusts me, she should have confidence that I would never let it get out of hand.

    As for the dinner thing.. We all work professionally and are too far apart to get together for lunch. If we want to chat, what other options do we have after work hours that wouldnt seem like a "date"?
     
  12. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    Are the dinners one-on-one, or with a group?
     
  13. ww_Crimson

    ww_Crimson New Member

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    If you two live together, invite the friend over to your house for dinner with the 3 of you. She needs to realize that you are inviting her because you want her to be there, not because you feel obligated to invite her. If your invitation to her is "You can come if you want," you can rest assured that she doesn't feel welcome.

    Yail's point is a good one too.. If she hangs out with guys, you can hang out with girls. She probably thinks that being a girl she "knows how girls can be" and that they will "Do anything to get with you" even if "they know you're in a relationship".
     
  14. nofriends

    nofriends OT Supporter

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    I guess I just don't see it that way. These are girls I've known for 8 to 10 years and she is aware of that. It's not like I'm going out to dinner with a random girl from work I just met. These are friends that I've known since jr high and have never had any sort of relationship with.

    I've never hid anything from her, I'll tell her where I am going and who I am going with. Most of the times the dinners are one on one, but occasionally ill meet up with 2 or 3 of the girls at the same time and grab something to eat. I never go out drinking with them unless they should be at the bar when the guys and I go out. Its a quick dinner for an hour then I come on home.

    I don't know.. maybe it is just a fundamental difference in perception between male and female that I need to take into account.
     
  15. lauren

    lauren Active Member

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    when you're young in and school/that environment, it's one thing. i used to go out one-on-one with guy friends all the time, and it was never inappropriate or an issue.


    as i got older, distanced myself from school and whatnot, i see it differently, and less appropriate. i've been out with a guy friend one-on-one once in the past two years. i know how i would feel if my bf was constantly going out with other girls.
     
  16. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

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    I agree with you on the dinner thing but I guess it depends on the kind of dinners they are. Are these nicer date-type places with an intimate setting or are you guys stopping off at Bennigans for a quick casual dinner? If it's a quick casual dinner then I don't see that as being inappropriate. I mean I'm sure I'd be a little jealous but if they are going to hang out alone then I would prefer a casual dinner over them going out for drinks or spending time alone at each other's houses.

    Has she ever met these girls? And do they ever bring or invite their bfs to these dinners?
     
  17. aim2kill

    aim2kill New Member

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    curious to know.
     
  18. nofriends

    nofriends OT Supporter

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    These dinners are usually at a pizza joint or maybe a chinese place. Nothing fancy and the bill is always split 50/50.

    At this point all the girls do not have bf's so I can see how that may seem to my gf.

    Another strange facet of this all is that she is ok with me having lunch with these same girls, but she just gets upset over the fact that its "dinner". Thats what really throws me for a loop.. A meal is a meal in my opinion as long as there are no dishonest intentions behind it.
     
  19. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    There probably isn't a big difference, even to her. She doesn't want to feel like she's controlling you, and wants you to get that this whole deal makes her uncomfortable and not do it just based on that.
    "Don't get dinner" sounds a lot less mean/controlling than "don't see her" even if thats what she means.
    I've actually had a similar go-round with my bf really recently.
     
  20. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    this sounds like its one of those things she is never going to be ok about. it doesnt really sound like you are doing anything wrong, shes reacting to it all wrong.

    as a girl, there have been a few times where i have not trusted the girls who hung out my SO, but it was specific girls that i had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach about (and i ended up being right about), it wasnt every single girl. even if your gf has the sixth sense, the likelihood that every single one of these friends is after you just doesnt seem possible. which leads me to think she is just jealous of any girl. if you have been friends with them for that long, they are a part of your life and have been for a long time. they are not new girls who you just met.

    how old are these friends you are hanging out with? are they older than your gf?
     
  21. nofriends

    nofriends OT Supporter

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    These girls are all older than her (my age) so I suppose she might be feeling that they are more mature and may be threatened by it. I don't want this to mess up what we have, but I don't want to cave in and cut off my friends because she has a jealous side to her.

    I'm having a hard time figuring out what would be an acceptable compromise for both of us. If women really feel that a casual one on one dinner is too intimate, I can accept that and can try to plan outtings with more of a mixed gender setting, but if the jealousy continues I don't see any other real alternative than to move on. Is there something I'm not seeing or something I can try to ease her mind?
     
  22. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    yeah, thinking back to how i was at 18, i can see how the fact that these girls are older might freak her out a bit, both the fact that you hang out with them, and the fact that you invite her to. maybe thats part of why she never wants to go with you

    i dont think you should have to cut off your friends because she is jealous. the friends have been around much longer, and very possibily, will be around much after this girl is gone. maybe try asking her what is an acceptable hang out, just to get her ideas on it. if she says "none", obviously dont stop hanging out with your friends since nothing is going to please your gf. maybe she doesnt see how rediculous she is being. maybe making her think about what settings make her feel ok will make her realize shes being silly.

    other than that, i dont think you are doing anything wrong really. she needs to get over this
     
  23. nofriends

    nofriends OT Supporter

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    Thanks, I will be having another lengthy discussion with her tonight and hopefully she can offer up some suggestions that she is comfortable with.
     
  24. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    lengthy discussions ftl
     
  25. nofriends

    nofriends OT Supporter

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