SRS problems with my step-sister

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Zimmy76, Jun 28, 2009.

  1. Zimmy76

    Zimmy76 I like my beer like I like my violence, domestic

    Nov 15, 2001
    Likes Received:
    kansas city, Mo
    I'll try to make this as short as possible, but it's a long story.

    My mom has had over 20 surgeries, from a tumor pressing against her spinal cord to a hernia. This latest surgery was her 3rd time or so for a hernia. She went into the hospital on a thursday like 3 weeks ago, I was in springfield missouri working that day which is about 3 to 3.5 hours away from kansas city.

    I asked my oldest sister(my only step-sister) to keep me updated on what was going on, so she called me 3 times throughout the day. She then asked if I wanted to follow her to see my mom on friday, I had to remind her I have to work throughout the week and would be at work from like 8am to 4pm or so.

    Friday rolls around and my step-sister calls me and tells me that mom is in a lot of pain, and doesn't want any vistors, but is doing fine other then that. I tell her ok, and ask a couple more questions, I'm told that she is supposed to get out of the hospital on thursday(a week after the surgery).

    On Tuesday(2 days before she's suppposed to get out) I give my mom a call and we talk for about an hour about nothing really. However she tells me she really doesn't want vistors, and that she's in a lot of pain, other then that she's fine. As far as I know and have been told she is supposed to get out in 2 days and go to my step-sisters house and stay there for a week or so.

    Thursday rolled around and I didn't hear anything, and I forgot to call my sister to ask what was going on. I thought if something serious had happened/or something changed I would have gotten a call from my step-sister. The next time I hear anything is on sat. 2 days after she was supposed to get out. My real sister called me and said that mom was still in the hospital and was having problems. At that point my real sister and I make plans to go to the hospital the next day as she's still working on that saturday.

    I then decide to call my step-sister as she's probably going to the hospital every day since she doesn't have to work, maybe she knows something my real sister and I don't. When I call her, she goes off on me for not going to see her or call her, and basically tells me what a horrible son I am. I then say "you told me she didn't company, and I have called her" She started to say I should have done more and I tell her I'm ripping up carpet at my mom's house, painting the basement while working 40-50 hours a week out in the heat. She says I should be doing that because of the 1500 my mom loaned me to get my transmission fixed in my truck. I start yelling over the phone "I'm sorry I have to work 40-50 hours a week to make endsmeat, I don't have someone who makes 70K a year to support me like you do." This goes on for a while and she says it's not revlant that her husband supports her.

    While my sister and I are arguing, she brings up things from 5 years ago, and just throwing anything she can in my face. I then tell her she needs to quit acting like my 2nd mom, and she responded that she's not my mom, and I came back with she tries to act like it at times and that's why my real sister and I can't stand her. At the end of the argument I tell her I'm done with her and hang up.

    My real sister and I go see my mom the next day at the hospital and stay for about an hour, my mom got out a couple days after that. I called my mom on her cell a couple times while she's at my step-sisters house to see how she was doing.

    Earlier this week my mom went off the pain meds cold turkey, and the pain came back, so she went back into the hospital again. My real sister and I went to see her again and talked with her for over a hour this time. She got out a couple days later and went back to my step-sisters house, and has been there since.

    The problem is I don't know how to handle this, my mom wants her kids to get along, but I don't see that happening. My step-sister is 11 years older then me, and 9 years older then my real sister, anytime my sister or I make a mistake or anything really my step sister is there to point that out to our mom.

    sorry for the long story, but if you made it through that and can give advice--thanks.
  2. no lol today

    no lol today Soy la bailarina de la muerta. OT Supporter

    Mar 16, 2008
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    Just ignore the problem w/the step sis & be there for your mom. More than getting along, for the time being, your mom would more likely appreciate not being alerted to additional problems.

    Treat conversations w/the step sis as strictly business. Don't respond to her petty bullshit. She's just an obstacle. Maybe, by giving her a bit of cold shoulder, she might actually crave some attention & be more cordial.

    I can't imagine how stressed you are with all the work you're doing, but I hope you have an outlet that will let you blow off whatever steam you have pent up. It will help you cope & act more sensibly.
  3. Crawling Dead

    Crawling Dead Gz-TeRRoR

    Dec 9, 2006
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    Slamtown USA
    Brothers and sisters fight. Its going to happen for the rest of time. Focus on your mom. I'm sure your step sister is just as stressed about all of this as you are and I'm sure thats just why this arguement boiled over. Give it a little bit of time and everything will straighten itself out
  4. johan

    johan Active Member

    Nov 4, 2003
    Likes Received:
    Sahasrara; magnetic violet infinite
    Here's your step-by-step plan for fixing this problem, and the larger family dysfunction.

    You guys have massive boundary issues, both you, and more importantly, her.

    1) Stop allowing your step-sister to be the intermediary.

    2) Step up to the plate and be a man. No dis, bro, just reality.

    3) This means you take charge of yourself, you're 100% accountable.
    You then have the moral authority to hold others 100%. Use this power with kindness. Not everyone holds up to close scrutiny.

    4) Deal with your mom personally, 1-on-1

    5) Deal with your step sister cordially, but ARMS-LENGTH, like a co-worker.
    ARMS-LENGTH. Don't get into it, no matter "who started it", no matter how tempting to shout her down & "put her in her place". It achieves nothing. This is most important.

    6) Refuse to dance the dance with step-sister. She yells? You listen calmly, rationally, like a therapist listening to a ranting insane person.

    7) You then calmly, rationally, address her points.

    8) Where she has valid points (she does) you need to acknowledge your shortcomings, and step up.

    9) Become so vast that she will have no criticism, you in fact, are someone people LOOK UP TO.
    Eventually, she will, too.

    10) At this point, realize that she's (inadvertently) helped you become a better person.
    Look back at her with kindness, like a man regarding a poor yelping puppy trapped in a cage of her own making. That's what she is.

    This is how you transform from a powerless boy into a powerful man. Someone who only accepts respect and does not tolerate BS, someone with vast power and dignity, and others do not dare to mess with.

    This applies to every aspect of your life too.

    Good luck & update back.
  5. OniMinion

    OniMinion ...recalls when this forum was actually about cars OT Supporter

    Jan 26, 2005
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    It sounds like your mother left you with no alternative communication methods other than through your step-sister. That is a red flag to me, honestly it sounds like both your step-sister and mother have both completely missed the point. You care about her, and want to be able to talk/see her. I'd talk to your mother about this fact. I personally wouldn't be ok with that setup if my strp-sister was my only means of communication while my mother was sick. Also, you mother is probably very affected by the medication(s) she is taking for her pain. Just remember that you mother is clouded with that, and your sister is clouded with fear for her mother's health.

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