Problems with my SO..need help/advice

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by CaliAtenza, Feb 8, 2009.

  1. CaliAtenza

    CaliAtenza New Member

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    Its a long story but ill cut it down as much as possible. Everything has been going great with my gf. But last summer (we both study in india but go back home to the states every so often) after we came back to start school up again we had a discussion about how she isnt ready to settle down and she isnt sure about things anymore. Her bone of contention is that she is only 20 and hasnt expierenced life yet. The other thing is that due to cultural reasons her parents..and to some extent mine as well have to approve of whoever we decide to settle down with. At this point of time i dont think i am and it seems like she agrees. So fast forward to just 2 days go..this all comes to a head..and she asks for a "break" and we decided (well her more than me) to go on one. Now ive read through the threads on here about this situation but i honestly believe there isnt another guy in the picture (well right now at least) and she just wants to step back and think things over. But She said that she doesnt wanna break up though. I guess im at a stage in my life where im thinking about the long term..she used to be but now she said that was a mistake. So now im at my wits end as to what to do..i mean i dont wanna lose her..its like im losing my best friend also :((. Im just confused about everything..
     
  2. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Sounds like you know the answer just haven't acepted it yet. She's not in love with you and she has already told you she wants to be free in her youth and on top of that knows her parents will never accept you.

    She is ony keeping you around as a security blanket, that is why she suggested the "break" and not an actual breakup. A break gives a young girl the ability to have you in her back pocket if she doesn't have luck meeting anyone that she deems better than you. This should not comfort you at all. She's been using you this entire time and if you respected yourself you wouldn't think in temrs of "but I love her!" and realize you two will go nowhere and you deserve someone that wants to be with you and only you. You already said in this thread months ago that you were being kept a secret:
    http://forums.offtopic.com/showthread.php?t=3676510
    You'll most likely never be that important to her.

    Like many young girls she's afraid to actually just dump you because she needs you in case things fall through for her. She also knows you are a pushover and devoted, so you wont just dump her outright. So yeah, if I were you I'd move on but I doubt you'll do that.
     
  3. Pringles

    Pringles New Member

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    dude same thing happened to me. I had a gf, she wanted to study aboard next year. She did all this work and once that hit along with us not communicating she came out of the cuts and said I want a break.

    It takes two people to have a relationship, so it wont work I told her it's over. She wanted that break bullshit probably because she is too weak to say It's done.

    I also have a policy of never talking to me ex's. I think you should uphold this for yourself too.

    Edit; beer your a pretty smart mod for this forum. Keep up the good work!
     
  4. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    Agreed with everything you said.

    (btw I just woke up and my eyes are blurry and I read that link as "I think I fucked my gf's parents" and I was like WHOA :eek3:) :rofl:
     
  5. CaliAtenza

    CaliAtenza New Member

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    Im still deciding what to do..actually today i talked to her and she told me straight up that commitment is out. She is only willing to get back in the relationship if there is no commitment clause. Apparently she has to talk to her best friend before she decides anything. But interestingly enough..her friends..went on a break..but then got back together..and are now stronger than ever. I dunno if that is realy relevant to our situation but she brought it up. The only thing is..if we break up..i will end up running into her somewhere around campus cause its a pretty small school and we have a lot of the same friends. But i guess i just gotta deal..
     
  6. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Wow, I don't see how this is even hard for you to decide.

    She's made it abundantly clear at this point that she's using you as a companion and that's it. If you can tell yourself you are in it just for (maybe) the sex then I guess go for it....but going off everything you've said I see that's not possible.

    :bowrofl: She has to talk to her friend before she decides? Yikes. I mean if it were me this wouldn't even be a question. I'd end it immediately and end all contact unless I was forced to see her out, but who knows if you'll do that.
     
  7. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    she's 20! Of course she doesn't want to make a long term commitment, and hell, she shouldn't want to anyways.

    I know you don't want to break up...but she's already done it for you. At least as far as "breaking up" the "relationship" as you know it.

    Time to face facts.
     
  8. formul8

    formul8 New Member

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    :werd:

    I agree completely. I just had to come to this realization with my ex-girlfriend myself.
     
  9. CaliAtenza

    CaliAtenza New Member

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    She wants to be in a relationship without the pressure of being committed. She said that it should be of one where we both wanna be in it because we realize we like spending time with each other..doing things with each other..having fun, etc. But i honestly think the physical part of the relationship is over (there was no sex cause she doesnt wanna do it till marriage)..from what i understand. Thing is..it would be really tough to ignore her completely cause i see her somewhere around almost every day..and we both have a lot of the same friends. My dillema is about how to deal with that and just the fact of how im losing such a great person and friend..so soon so fast cause just last week were acting like a normal couple..
     
  10. Joybang

    Joybang New Member

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    No, she wants to go fuck other guys and have you around to hold her when shes lonely. i suggest you do the same (with women, of course :mamoru:).
     
  11. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    The thing you have to realize is...if you go along with what she suggests, she is losing nothing...hell, she is gaining something, because she has you behaving like you did when you were exclusive, but she can also see other guys. I would go so far as to say she has been thinking of you not as a "bf" but as a "FWB" or "best friend" or something like that for some time now.

    You on the other hand, lose everything. Trust your instincts. You don't like the idea of a "no commitment" relationship, so don't allow one to develop. You need commitment in your relationships, so you may have to cut her off.

    As far as not being able to ignore her completely...it sucks, but that's life. It's up to you to decide if you want to play her game, or deal with the awkwardness of seeing her in public, but not being together.

    Thing is, she's already made the choice.

    Sorry to get rambly. I'll sum up. Based on what you've posted, I don't think it would be in your best interest to try to maintain/salvage the relationship with her. It's not what you need at this time.
     
  12. CaliAtenza

    CaliAtenza New Member

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    @matt: nah its ok..you werent being rambly..actually you've helped a lot with what you've said. Yeah i think i just need to prepare myself for it all and thats what im trying to do. Im just the kind of person that wants to salvage things and try and make things work..so that i dont have any regrets.
     
  13. formul8

    formul8 New Member

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    So do I, but don't make yourself her chump.

    Find someone who is worthy of your attention.
     
  14. CaliAtenza

    CaliAtenza New Member

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    So instead of paying attention in class im posting on here lol. Anyways..after thinking about it all day and taking stock of all the advice that ive gotten (both from you guys on here and my offline friends)..im going to meet her tonight and end it. I realized i cant live like this..forever in limbo..waiting for her to decide. I deserve someone better..someone who wants to be with me wholeheartedly and at this point its not her and even she knows that. I have my life to consider and i still wanna do so much...i know its gonna hurt like hell cause she was my first serious relationship and i thought she was the one..and maybe she still is somewhere off in the future..but not right now. I gotta start looking out for me..which i havent done in a while. If i dont this..ill be miserable..always wondering about things. Im young too man (only 23) and i have my whole life ahead of me yet. I think the main mistake i made was getting too attached cause here im living in another country on the other side of the world..no parents to see..no friends from home and i guess i just got too comfortable with her.. But now i have a question. She has bought some things for me (teddy bear, a small thing to put on my desk..a mug with our picture on it)..do i keep them or give them back to her?
     
  15. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Don't give them to her, she doesn't give a shit about them. Do you want to keep them??? Personally I like to trash cheesy gifts that have no originality from past boyfriends but some poeple like to keep that crap.
     
  16. just_another_on

    just_another_on New Member

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    Haha, IWYWB for President, seriously.

    Im glad you seem to have warmed up to the not so warming advice that has been given. Situations like this arise all the time and are generally due to the SO not being willing to admit they are 'ok' with being alone. Just using you as a scape goat to hide their feelings.

    Throw the presents in the trash, they dont mean nothing to her. Keep em for yourself if thats what you want.
     
  17. formul8

    formul8 New Member

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    My ex was into making cards and all that scrapbooking shit. She made a comment about the cards and how she wants one of them back so she can reuse it. I was incredibly insulted.

    That is when I knew she did not give a shit about me or our 3.5 year relationship.

    I tore them up and sent her a pic and told her I will gladly send her the pieces....
     
  18. jdm-cd5

    jdm-cd5 Guest

    sometimes you gotta let the girl go free. if she wants to come back, she will. you cant force a girl to love you.
     
  19. CaliAtenza

    CaliAtenza New Member

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    sorry for disappearing for a few days guys. Well...we talked that day..A LOT..argued/yelled A LOT. But we decided to give it another go...and this time to maybe try and not spend every waking moment with each other and take the commitment clause out of the relationship. So far so good..:)...and we were back in bed that very same night :). I think we realized that spending too much time together was a bad thing and that we need to have our own lives sometimes. She said she was ready to get back into the relationship wholeheartedly :big grin: and that she really wanted to be with me. I figured that trying again would be worth it. We both agreed that we may not end up with each other and thats ok.
     
  20. chlywly

    chlywly Active Member

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    This came from another woman, and she's dead on :)
     
  21. chlywly

    chlywly Active Member

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    Take the commitment clause out LOL, brother caved and fell DIRECTLY into her dirty little scheme... Anyways, no one ever takes advice they are offered... Everyone has to get hurt and learn on their own :) Good luck
     
  22. just_another_on

    just_another_on New Member

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    Lol, srsly.

    Good luck, cause when you make a post in a month saying she cheated on you, but not technically cause you two weren't commited but it still brkoe your heart, you'll be getting alot of I told ya so's.
     
  23. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    2 things: You spent one fucking day apart. That's not trying spending less time together. "not spending every waking moment together" means something like you get together two or 3 times in a week.

    If that commitment clause is still out, congrats, you gave her everything she wanted, and got nothing you wanted.
     
  24. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    :werd:
     

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