SRS Problems with my daughter

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Cerridwen, Jan 27, 2006.

  1. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    My mom just called me up and we were actually talking for a while (something hard for me to do, I still have a lot of animosity towards her) and she mentioned to me that my daughter is really stuck on something that happened literaly 5+ years ago.
    I guess she keeps bringing up to her catching my husband and me in the act. She will describe in detail to my mother what happened that day (to her watching us and then me catching her doing so). I also remember this day.
    She is now almost 9 years old. Why would she still be bringing this up now?
    I am planning on talking to her about this tomorow but I feel a little put off on it.
    Any advice, suggestions?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 27, 2006
  2. Jay Pheezy

    Jay Pheezy New Member

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    Hmm.. kind of vague. I'm pretty sure I know what you're getting at though but one thing that can be assumed on why she's bringing it up is because when kids that young see something their not supposed to, they will remmeber it. Reason being their so unfamiliar with it. If you're going to talk to her about it you have the advantage that' she's young so it will be easier to say that that's just what grown ups do.. Tell her she'll know when it's older. I'm sure you can make her understand..
     
  3. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    I'm sorry if it was vague. My daughter caught my husband and I making love when she was about 3 years old (she peeked through the doorway, it was NOT like it was out in the open, the door was closed).
    For whatever reason, she keeps bringing this up to my mother (in great detail) when she goes to visit her.
    I will definetly be talking to her about it, but I just feel really odd about her keeping on bringing it up. That can't be normal?
     
  4. 311-420

    311-420 New Member

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    i caught my mom and stepdad in the act when i was about 8. i still remember it like it was yesterday..horrible..i wish it didnt happen. no one ever explained it to me, but i knew what it was when i saw it. it freaked me out pretty good.
     
  5. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    We had a talk about it when it happened. It's not like the situation was ignored or anything. I guess I'm more confused on why it's still bothering her enough to keep on talking about it (and who else she mentions it to :o).
     
  6. justinhazard

    justinhazard New Member

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    Same thing happened to me... My mom and my dad. I was about 8 also. I don't know why but I cried after I saw it. Just some weird ass shit to see definitely.
     
  7. Kreigore

    Kreigore New Member

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    I dunno, if I saw that I'd be pretty freaked out too. I don't remember a lot of things from when I was 4, other than the color and shape of my first room. I could probably describe it to a tee to this day.

    Children are stimulated visually at a young age, why do you think they 'read' picture books and the like? Your daughter saw something and it freaked her out. As to why she keeps bringing it up 5 years later is beyond me. Do you know how long she was watching you? Were other things 'going on'? No need to answer, but she might have seen something more than "mommy and daddy showing their love for each other" (ie: handcuffs, you get the idea).
     
  8. Apothis

    Apothis New Member

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    This is a topic I've wondered about, but for me, I'm on the other end of the equation. My gf's 4yo son has caught us at least once. The kids were supposed to be asleep, we didn't have a lock on the door at the time. We were going at it when she noticed something out of the corner of her eye, looked around and gasped, then we just didn't even breath for a couple minutes it seemed. We don't know how long he was standing there or how well he saw things. I swear he just materialized out of nowhere. We tried to talk to him about it, ask him what he thinks he saw, but he denied seeing anything other than us "sleeping" (we clearly were not, I think he just didn't know any better words to describe it). He seemed like he was trying to dodge the questions, but he didn't seem particularly bothered by it in general and never brings it up or anything. We were really freaked out at the time though.

    I'd like to think it's behind us, but now I'm wondering if he's going to suddenly start brining it up 5 years from now. :eek3:
     
  9. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    People are genetically programmed to have sex,as a result there is a natural interest in every person for sex. This is why it naturally sticks in her mind, although she doesn't go out in a sex orgy right the minute after she sees it, it does raise questions about her own body and will leave her susceptible for sexual insecurities now and on a later age.
     
  10. KatWoman

    KatWoman •••••••••••

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    Perhaps one thing can be for you to have your mother cut her off when she brings it up. As soon as your daughter starts bringing it up your mom can be firm and say. "(name), you've told me the same story x times now and I don't want to hear about it anymore. End of discussion." I think we all have the instinct deep down when we're kids that that is an act that is forbidden for us unitl we're of age. Perhaps you can also question your daughter and ask her why she feels the need to keep bringing it up, maybe question her to see if someone has touched her that way :dunno: There has to be some reason she's fascinsated with with it. If it turns out it;s just her needing something to talk about then perhaps grounding or other discipline is in order if she keeps bringing it up. Lord knows how many people at school she could have told about this as well :hs:
     
  11. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    My husband talked to her about it this morning and she didn't have the slightest clue what he was refering to. We can tell when she is lying and telling the truth, and he says that she was actually telling the truth.
    Which makes me wonder about my mom actually. We've had some major issues with her in the past, especialy with my daughter, and I wonder if we're going to have some more soon. :wtc:
    I'm really confused yet. I will talk to her after school, but I don't really want to push too much on her either.
    Katwoman, I will tell my mom to do just that if she brings it up again this weekend (she has visitation with her one weekend a month).
     
  12. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    I think almost every child catches their parents in the act once in their lifetime. Does that mean that we are all sexually insecure about it?
     
  13. verveintuition

    verveintuition New Member

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    That's what I was wondering after reading your posts and the replies.

    Is it possible that your mom is either making this up about your daughter continuously asking? Or that maybe she's the one intiating that conversation with your daughter - and not the other way around.?

    The reason I ask is because you mentioned some animosity with your mother. Maybe your mom has an issue with it or an old grudge with you that would cause her to worry you with this? Maybe it's both?

    On the other hand, it could be just as she said in all simplicity. I remember once walking in my mom and dad, and I think everyone does. It's a scary, strange moment for a child.
     
  14. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    It is absolutely possible. I haven't truly spoken to my mom like I did last night in probably 6 years, and she told me some very odd things. She is also a recovering addict (don't know if that has to do with anything) about 4-5 years being clean now.
    I feel incredibly emotionaly overloaded right now to be completely honest. My mom is a VERY touchy issue with me, I prefer to have as little to do with her as possible. Unfortunately, the forced visitation with my daughter does not allow me to do that. I have to be as civil as I possibly can be when she is around/can hear, but aside from that I prefer no contact.
     
  15. johan

    johan Active Member

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    Well, not EVERY child catches their parents in the act. And further compounding it is what happened after that. Was this shrouded in secrecy?

    Or worse, wrapped up in shame, making the child think that HE had done something wrong?

    It's the parents' response after the fact that can render this a harmless non-scarring event, or something that leaves a permanent mark on the young psyche.
     
  16. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    I'm not exactly sure what you meant by was this shrouded in secrecy? From what I remember we had an age appropriate (after all she was maybe 3-4 years old) discussion about what she had seen.
    We don't find showing our affections (hugs and kisses) to be something to be done in secret either. My husband and I are openly affectionate (within reason of course) with each other in front of our daughter.
    I did talk to her about it when she got home from school and she admits telling her Grandma about it and she admits remembering it. We had (again age appropriate) discussion about sex and how when two people love each other that is something that they may do in the privacy of their own bedroom (which we were- with doors closed in the original situation). She seems to be okay and a little more understanding, but only time will tell.
     
  17. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Let's look at the situation again.

    -mom calls, problems start.
    -Daughter has no idea what you are talking about
    -You get in emotional distress.

    Conclusion = your mother is the source of all your problems.

    Seeing her life is in darkness (drugs,addict) and the stringy relationship you had with her, my advice is to break off all contacts with her and im almost certain i can garentee you that the problems will end from there.

    She probably called you because she wants something from you. Maby just even to ruin your life. I mean after all those years why would your mother call you out of the blue just to talk about 'THAT'? I sense a viper under the grass, you better watch out for that woman , she's is making a comeback in ruining your life. :gtfo: better ditch her forever.
     
  18. johan

    johan Active Member

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    I think what you're doing is very appropriate.
     
  19. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    Trust me, if I could possibly cut off all contact with her I would.
    Unfortunately she has court ordered visitation (grandparents rights in Wisconsin suck :wtc:) one weekend a month with my daughter.
    We only have contact when it has something to do with her. I HAD previously cut off all contact with her and life became so much better (honestly, she is such a huge source of frustration in my life). I have not had anymore of a conversation with her than what was absolutely neccesary, but lately I've been feeling a little badly about my family and not having contact with them so I have been talking with my grandmother (who lives with my mother and takes care of my little sisters). I don't know if she took that as a signal that I want a relationship with her anymore (I don't).
    While we were talking last night (more towards the begining of the conversation), she did seem very sincere. She is truly putting her life together and attempting to take some responsibility. She became an AODA counselor (like I said she's been clean 4-5 years now), makes decent money and is working on her Bachelors Degree. I still can't stomach the idea of a relationship with her. I will admit that in the begining (of our conversation last night) I felt sorry for her and thought that maybe we could have a relationship, but after talking with her for about an hour I realized that I just can't. I have such a built up animosity inside of me towards her and everything she has done to my family I just can't. I realize it is a horrible thing to hate your mother, but I truly do. I can't forgive and forget and I truly don't want to. I'm sure that is very unhealthy, but that is just the way I feel.
    I really feel like I'm rambling here, I apologize for that :o
    Anyways, another thing she brought up was money. She kept saying that she makes good money now and she wants to make up for never sending me to college. She said that she wants to pay 1/4 of my tuition (which is about $500) and that she wants to give me the money next week. My husband of course is fine with the prospect of free money, but I feel as if it owuld be tainted (if that makes sense). I still feel really sick to my stomach and just overwhelmed with emotions. I cried today for the first time in quite some time (probably a couple of months).
    I just don't need these problems anymore.
    Thanks for reading.
     
  20. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Well what i am seeing here is a reconsilation attempt of your mom to get back at you. I want to warn you and to mold you for a better relationship that you have with her.

    Not being able to 'forgive' someone brings yourself in a state of 'hell' Now im guessing that your mom was under the influence of drugs,alcohol and what not when she was raising you as a child , giving you a crazy and nightmarish youth , however.

    If she is clean now, and she made the effort and succesfully accomplished it. Then i believe you should also make an effort to reconsile with your mother.

    What you need to do is just visit your mom on a weekend (not as ordered and on the same day as set by the court but just 'because')

    Sit on the couch with her, and have a 'talk' with your mother in which you try to talk talk talk things over into forgiveness. Opening up your feelings on telling what is bothering you and what happend to you and how it felt for you to go 'thru' all those things, is what you need to discuss with her.

    Then you finally maby would get a 'mother daughter' relationship as you are supposed to have. Trying to bring light and love into eachothers life, and occasionally helping eachother and giving support is vital.
     
  21. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Well what i am seeing here is a reconsilation attempt of your mom to get back at you. I want to warn you and to mold you for a better relationship that you have with her.

    Not being able to 'forgive' someone brings yourself in a state of 'hell' Now im guessing that your mom was under the influence of drugs,alcohol and what not when she was raising you as a child , giving you a crazy and nightmarish youth , however.

    If she is clean now, and she made the effort and succesfully accomplished it. Then i believe you should also make an effort to reconsile with your mother.

    What you need to do is just visit your mom on a weekend (not as ordered and on the same day as set by the court but just 'because')

    Sit on the couch with her, and have a 'talk' with your mother in which you try to talk talk talk things over into forgiveness. Opening up your feelings on telling what is bothering you and what happend to you and how it felt for you to go 'thru' all those things, is what you need to discuss with her.

    Then you finally maby would get a 'mother daughter' relationship as you are supposed to have. Trying to bring light and love into eachothers life, and occasionally helping eachother and giving support is vital.
     
  22. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    I don't want that relationship though. Life without her in it is so much happier (from experience).
    That is exactly what she wants to do (is sit down with me and talk). I don't want it. I honestly can't handle it yet.
    It's not quite a personal hell that I can't forgive her because I don't know if I truly want to (if that makes sense)
     

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