SRS Problems with my dad *LONG*

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Jadix, Jan 29, 2006.

  1. Jadix

    Jadix The Nice Guy

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    Since this is probably going to be pretty long, ill get to the premise of the whole thing first. My dad and I barely get along, and I feel like I want nothing to do with him, but I think thats gonna hurt me later. I dont know what to do or how to do it.

    Ill move on to the backstory now. The first 12 years of my life I lived in a family of four with one older brother. My dad worked his carpentry business, and my mom stayed home. My brother was never good in school, and barely graduated highschool. I was always the smarter and smaller one, and now getting my degree at a university. Growing up I sort of felt like my Dad favored my brother because of his willingness to labor, and his greater strength. Also because I would rather play video games or make a website or write a program than work in the woodshop all day.

    In 6th grade my parents got a divorce, and my mom moved to a town 3 hours away from our home. From then on I lived at home with my Dad and my brother. When I got into highschool, my brother had gotten kicked out of it, and moved to my Moms place to attend that highschool. So then it was just my dad and I living together, and my mom and brother. This is when we started to really have problems. He was angry because of all the time I spent on the internet, or on the computer. I love working with computers, I love learning new programming languages, new software, or whatever. He would get so mad if I was on the computer during the day, and not outside, that there were many times I had to physically defend my computer. One time he tried smashing it with a hammer, another time he punched it and left a fatty dent on the case.

    And it wasn't like I was just neglecting the outside world, or having friends or anything like that. I had plenty of friends all through my school years, the problem was that I lived 45 minutes from the closest town. When I went home after school, I was home for good. None of my friends ever would drive out there, it was always me who drove into town to hang out with people...something I couldn't do during the week. So at home I would get on AIM and chat with friends or work on a project or something.

    Junior year of highschool he did something I will never forgive him for. We got really into it the night before, and when I came home from school the next day, all of my things were in a huge pile on the front porch. And I mean EVERYTHING. My room was entirely white walled and dry. He was still at work, so he had left a note that said "call your mom". So I said fuck that, packed my car, and drove to my moms house.

    I stayed there for a year, then moved back for the last semester to finish off highschool where i started it, and with all of my friends. Now that I'm in college, my dad and I hardly ever speak. He'll call me if he gets an important letter from my university or whatever, but never just to say hi or "how are you". And its the same with me. I never feel I have a reason to call him, and never wonder what hes doing or how he is. He tells my mom that he feels "left out" of my college experience, and feels like I'm ignoring him...but then when he talks to me hes very short and cold. When I visited him last winter break we got in an argument over me calling him and not leaving a message, and he started comparing me to one of my friends. I told him "Our family is not the same as his family", and he said "Well you're the one making it that way". I drove away and didn't talk to him for a few days.

    God damn, sorry this is so long. Anyways, I feel like I want nothing to do with him most of the time. I feel like hes never supported anything I was interested in, and tried forcing me to follow the same path as him because he thought it was the only way. I feel that as a parent, he should have cultivated my strengths and supported me...but that instead he cant stand me as I am.

    But I THINK I should forgive him and try to work things out with him. I think we'll be happier in the future that way. But the problem is that I just dont like him at all. I feel like its just me submitting to him if I try to work it out. I dunno. help me out if you can.
     
  2. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    I had the same problem with my dad , and the issue is that your not on the same 'frequency' as your dad. If you are interested in the same thing as he is interested in ,then you can get a great bond in which my life is the absolute proof of that. Me and my dad couldn't never get along together, but we had the same interest into computers, we putted up networks together, talked about computer stuff, we litterary and figurelly connected to eachother.

    We still have sorta simular issues , but its more like teasing :)

    And that is what you have to reflect on your life with your dad too, a simular interest, sadly and more then we are willing to admit in our lives we put ourselves on the throne. Your dad has done that, by not supporting you in who you are and what you did. You are bitter towards him, and reflecting that unsupporting and unloving attitude back on him (which is very natural i may say)

    Packing your bags and leaving you a note , even if you knew his views, you must understand these come from this 'different frequency of thinking' that i talked about. He had different expectations for you, (wanting you to act like your brother, and be a carpenter and what not) since you and him where on a different frequency these things 'bounced' together and resulted into arguments. And even you getting kicked out of the house (for again natural for you irrational reasons)

    But from his point of view you two weren't bonding, but anyway i see your view your willingness to forgive and bond yourself together to your dad, i think you will be able to forgive your dad , but it needs more ,because you won't be able to bond with your dad if you don't have a simular interest with him.

    If that simular interest is not found , it will be extremely hard to bond with your dad.
     
  3. Guz200sx

    Guz200sx The man who does more than he is paid for will soo

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    Maybe if you volunteer yourself to help him out at his shop every once and while, you can connect to him as DarkEternal said.

    Were you just not interested in learning anything about carpentery?? Cause its always good to learn about various things and not just one specific thing...Maybe it could be more of a hobby for you.

    How is your relationship with your brother??
     
  4. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    I suppose the real question here concerns what you expect to get out of this. What do you want? A friendship? Acceptance from your dad? Just to be left alone?

    Any relationship takes two to work. Your dad's probably frustrated that you don't share with him, but he might not realize that he's contributing to the problem or that there is a problem to begin with (some people are really, really dense). The best thing you can do is communicate your feelings - if he points out that you never call him, point out that he doesn't call you unless he has to, either, but don't let it escalate into an argument or a fight. You have to give some to get some, so do unto your dad as you would like done unto you. Don't fall into your habit of being annoyed with him.
     
  5. Jadix

    Jadix The Nice Guy

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    Well I helped him build our guesthouse...I helped him build the deer-fence which is over 2000 feet long and 8 feet high around our property, and I helped him do all the little projects around the house he always had going.

    The work was always forced, his patience is very short, and he'd never pay for my time. I'm not really complaining that I didn't get pay...but when hes taking most of my weekends and ALL of my time at home, its a bit much.


    My brother and I were sworn enemies growing up. Not really sure why, I guess we were just opposites or something. Now that I'm in college, and hes out of school and trying to work, and we dont see eachother very much, we do get along better. I dont have any bitter feelings toward my brother, and if I'm able to help him at all later in life I'll do whatever it takes.

    Its a little to late to take up carpentry as a hobby. I dont have a shop or any tools where I'm living now, and not a lot of time either.

    I dont really know what kind of things we could do together as a hobby. The only things hes interested in is working on his house and his property. We both like skiing/snowboarding and going to the lake, but theres never time to do that anymore. Maybe once or twice a year, which i dont think is enough.
     
    Last edited: Jan 29, 2006
  6. Guz200sx

    Guz200sx The man who does more than he is paid for will soo

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    Why not just go do something together? Like see a movie, play pool or go bowling, or just go have a drink at a bar/have dinner together at a resturant.
    Its doesn't have to be every day but maybe like every week or every other week.

     
  7. Jadix

    Jadix The Nice Guy

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    Well i'm not really trying to ask what kinds of things we could do together. I'm wondering whether or not I should even try. I'm thinking that my resistence to him is just the teenager in me who wants to prove himself, so I should grow the fuck up and deal with it. But another part of me says I have all the reason to shut him out. I dunno.
     

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