SRS Problem with relationship, need advice and thoughts

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by essense, Oct 6, 2007.

  1. essense

    essense New Member

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    I've been seeing a girl for a bit over 3 months. We are not a couple and I do not know if we are exclusive at this point. She has of now mostly shut down with talking to me. The relationship started off slow, saw eachother on weekends, then we started hanging out during the week and we became very open with eachother within the first month and half. For about the past month she has just been distant,.. a distinct change in her attitude from how she was when we initially met and we're getting to know eachother.

    She has been in between places to live, so i've given her time and some space to just deal,.. but I finally asked her what was going on. She'll contact me and want to hang,.. and then pay little to no attention to me.. and not that I want her 100% attention, but a little is nice, and a smile when we see eachother wouldn't be too much. I asked her about this stuff and she said she felt things were moving to fast and needed time to settle... but that she still has feelings for me and that how she's felt since we met hasn't changed.

    I feel like i'm getting led on here, or used, or cheated on, or something. Doesn't make any sense at all to me to treat somebody the way she has been treating me. She'll say she'll call, and doesn't,...

    Should I just relax about all this and give her more space?,... I feel in limbo and frustrated because I'd like her to feel confident in having me as a guy with integrity of his desires for her,.. but at this point i'm so frustrated i'm just angry. I'd like her to just tell me we are apart, or that we're not. But since she's said she's feeling so stressed lately, I don't want to add to her burdens.

    How do I not get so caught up in this and should I just be more assertive with my emotions?

    I
     
  2. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    I hate to say this man...but it just sounds like she's not really that into you. You haven't talked about her past, but I'm willing to bet she got out of a serious relationship prior to you, am I right? If that's not the case then it definitely is a matter of her not liking you enough. When a girl really likes a guy she wants to be around him no matter what. Being stressed has nothing to do with how much you want to see a person. I am (presently) the most stressed that I've ever been, but I still want to see my bf every day.

    There have been times when I haven't wanted a bf at all. I wanted to be single. Then a guy would come along and if I wasn't that interested I would keep him at arm's length...but if I met a guy I really dug then I got over wanting to be single right away. After 3 months she should know how she feels about you.

    The real question is, what do you want? Do you really want a relationship with this girl? If so then you need to sit her down and tell her this. It certainly doesn't sound like you are rushing shit at all, but you need to talk to her more adamently about how you feel and what you want so you can quit dicking around and possibly wasting your time on her.
     
  3. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    It definitly looks like she isn't serious into you. You will have to confront her that you want something more out of the relationship, if she doesn't budge then its time to leave.
     
  4. essense

    essense New Member

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    I appreciate the thoughts. I agree. She isn't that into me and she is keeping me at arms length.

    For talking to her about what I want... I do like her, i'm really interested in her and what she does and I have a strong desire to be with her. Weird thing is,.. there was a huge pull from her initially, her wanting to hang out, making contact,.. then it ended all of a sudden. and she won't give me any reason for this. She says she still feels the same as before, but she won't explain why the lack of interest is there. That makes me feel like i'm getting cheated on or used.

    Here's the thing, when I do bring it up, or when I talk to her and she says she needs to be selfish for herself at this point in time, or she's spreading her life too thin... I reply with "ok, I understand and that's fine" She immediatly says, "oh it's not a good time to talk about this, or "there's too much going on right now to talk about this" So,... wtf?

    Is it best to have this conversation in person?, I don't want to do it over the phone,.. too hard to think quickly enough and feel out a conversation on the phone.

    For me, i'm so frustrated. Cause I really feel like it's best to let this go, but I can't until I talk to her and find out what is really going on. And she doesn't feel in the right frame of mind to have the conversation.

    Is it best to bring this up now, or give her more time to settle her thoughts?
     
  5. poppa_jay

    poppa_jay OT Supporter

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    Maybe she just wants you to "chase" her? Build up some tension until things "explode" in the heat passion. Just a suggestion.
     
  6. essense

    essense New Member

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    Hadn't thought of it like that. I thought maybe since at first she was chasin me, that's why she was showin a lot of herself to me. But now she's not chasin at all, and for me to chase her she has to show some response,... which she hasn't been.

    What about a letter or email to her?, is that too weak? I can express myself a lot better with written words that i have to time to sculpt properly.

    Edit: Or maybe I just drop everything and move on?
     
    Last edited: Oct 10, 2007
  7. poppa_jay

    poppa_jay OT Supporter

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    Don't do the letter, it shows you don't have the balls to say it to her face. She's going to lose respect for you. You can write the letter for your own personal guide to say what you want to her face to face.

    My guess is she doesn't find you interesting that's all. You're no longer mysterious. You're just like all the other guys and nothing separates you from them.

    If you want to continue a relationship with her, if she really is worth it then find a way to capture her interest that separates you from all the other guys she's dated. Find out what's important to her and use it towards your advantage.
     
  8. Schadenfreude1

    Schadenfreude1 New Member

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    No.

    This sounds like a woman who needs to be ignored. The more you chase her, the weaker you will be in her eyes. She seems to have a shitty self image, which leads to behavior like this.

    BBl. At wirk.
     
  9. poppa_jay

    poppa_jay OT Supporter

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    Well I don't mean chase her, beg her, and stalk her 24/7. I mean flirt, playful, and witty sexual innuendos. Send her mixed signals, confuse the shit out of her causing the questions "Does he like me as a friend or more?" to linger in her head. Leave her wanting more before walking away so she can come to him.
     
  10. essense

    essense New Member

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    Wanted to reply and say thank you for the thoughts and advice. Relationship ended the other night. I had wanted to talk to her in person, but on a phone call it got into why she wasn't wanting to hang out after I asked her to dinner and she didn't want to go. Saved me the 100 bucks right?

    Tough though. Hard to let go of something you feel there is so much good left in. But she really just wasn't there the past month. In the end she was open about how she felt and why, which was good for me. She basiacally said she was independent and didnt like having somebody so close. I can see where maybe I was a bit too involved?,... but really when ya care about somebody you want whats best for them, and I think my concern/involvement in some of her issues actually pushed her away. Which is sad, but ultimately her choice which I have to respect.

    Thanks.
     

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