SRS Pot - Can't remember when I wanted to smoke it as badly as I do now

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Coottie, Mar 17, 2009.

  1. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    I don't know what it is but every single time I see some article or watch some video about smoking pot, I start to smile. I never was much of a huge pot head....in fact, there's only one time that I really indulged in pot smoking on a regular basis and that was some 17 years ago.

    Most people know I've been clean and sober for a little over 14 years now. No slip ups, not marijuana maintenance, no NyQuil "because I'm sick and feel like shit". No....for the past 14+ years, I've been totally clean and sober and generally speaking, pleased with my life. In those 14 years, I've done a lot to repair and rebuild my life. I've got a great job and nice things and I'm generally well liked with friends and family (this was not the way my life was going when I was late in my drinking/drug use career). In fact, things were so bad that I really didn't think I would make it to 30 because I was just a mess and screwed so many things up.

    So it's kind of strange sitting here and thinking...."Man a j sounds pretty good." In fact, I'm kind of obsessing on it.

    I see articles, videos, documentaries about pot all over the place right now and every time I do, I smile and think....aww yeah.....but holy fuck...it was hell getting clean and sober once, I really don't want to have to do it again.
     
  2. Colonel Panic

    Colonel Panic New Member

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    How do you know you will be able to do it again?
     
  3. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    Not sure....arrogance maybe? In fact when I first read this question my response was, "Who says I want to quit again?" I don't mean that I'm going to smoke tons of weed, drop out of society and stuff like that. No...it's more like, if I'm able to do it and still function, why not do it?

    There's something about pot that is really appealing to me right now. It's not that I want to escape something or hide from something. In fact, it's quite the opposite. Things are really good right now for me. There have been better times but also worse times but right now....things are really good.
     
  4. i killed tupac

    i killed tupac New Member

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    Cravings a funny thing, aren't they? :) Sometimes i confuse "thinking about" as "wanting to". If you wanted to, you could go do it. I find when i play the tape through the end, even my fantasy using doesn't stay social :rofl:

    I have found it's the nature of desire to make us think something that we know is bad for us is somehow good for us, or at least not bad. Our addiction always stacks the deck when it comes to past.

    Sometimes when i see a funny stoner movie, i think how maybe i could just be a loser stoner guy that nobody expects anything from, just me and me weed. Then i forget that i had that before with various drugs, and it was hell.

    I am in long term recovery too, and sometimes i think these things to, but they are just thoughts, sometimes i have to change the channel. Sometimes i call my sponsor and look at my first step again. Things i write down dont change with my mood.

    Remember what it was like? I wish you could see how hard it is for people when they go back-you can't see it because your aren't a mod, but this subforum here is full of threads people have made and deleted before anyone else could read them (except R2R mods). talk to a new comer. read your step work. post about it talk about it. What worked before will work now too.
     
  5. i killed tupac

    i killed tupac New Member

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    Did you forget we are addicts? That's one of the oldest denials in the world "i'm not gonna do this, i'm gonna do it this way this time, just one _______" We aren't able to do that! That's why we had to quit! And the people that look like they are pulling it off, remember, you can't see inside their heads. I put up a good front for a while too. It's that old thinking, if things are bad i can make them good, if they are good i can make them better. It just isn't true. I know people who beat their wives for decades but the family looks normal. I just happen to be one of the few that knows the truth. If you look hard, you can see the true nature of what you are considering.

    PM me if you want to talk on the phone.

    I can remember plenty of times where i used and wished i hadn't-but i can't think of a single time where i wanted to use, didn't, then wished i'd had.
     
  6. Ohmyashley93

    Ohmyashley93 New Member

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    Oh and definite kudos on succeeding in turning your life around and staying sober for the better! :bigthumb:

    i killed tupac edit: read the rules next time or get banned. thank you.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 20, 2009
  7. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    Thanks for the detailed responses and the offer for the phone call. I really do appreciate it more than you know. I don't think I've ever seen Tupac write that much. :)

    I watched Super High Me last night....about a guy who goes 30 days without touching pot then 30 smoking all the time. Funny thing happened....I thought the movie would reinforce my desire to smoke but it had the opposite effect on me.

    As I was watching, I saw interviews with people that were high. I saw the hollow look in their eyes. I've seen that look in the mirror....in fact, those looks took me right back to where I was about a year before I got clean/sober. I remember very clearly being extremely high and I was laughing at one of my friends jokes when I went into the restroom to pee. I was washing up when I caught that hollow look in the mirror and I knew.....I knew it was all a fucking lie.

    Here I was, laughing and seemingly having an awesome time but I had the saddest, stoned eyes I had ever seen on me. It looked like I had been crying for days and I was actually still laughing at the joke. It was a profound moment that I've thought of often in my years of sobriety.

    There were many such images in that movie for me.....so many memories came rushing back some good some not-so-good. However, what I thought it would do is make me want to smoke more but it didn't.....it makes me want to stay away from it.

    I'm not sure where this thread is going nor my life.....I'm honestly not even sure why I created it. It's not like I really want anyone to talk me out of it because I know myself and when I want to drink/use badly enough....I will. I dunno...it does feel good to put some of these thought out there.....so thanks for reading and responding.
     
  8. i killed tupac

    i killed tupac New Member

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    My sponsor relapsed (i have a new one now) and two NA members have ran into him since, and without talking to each other, they both have said his eyes looked...wrong. He was known for his huge vivacious grin and smile-and the two people who have seen him since described what you just did, empty, glazed over, glassy, hollow, and sad. Of course he said things were going great! Everything was aces, the marriage is finally working out, life is good. Sadly, we know a lot of details that tell a completely different story.

    One thing i have learned is how to see the true nature of things:

    If the true nature of drugs, or anything for that matter, is pleasure, then the more we have of it, the more pleasure we will have in equal measure. However, when we consume more and more of these things, their true nature is quickly revealed as suffering.
     
  9. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    I heard it long ago and I've always believed it....the eyes are the windows to the soul. I hate that fucking hollowed out, glazed over, no life look. I never want to return to that shit.....man that fucking life I was living sucked hard in so many ways.

    The thing is, I don't know anyone that's been sober for years, gone back out and had an easy time of it. I mean sure, for a short period of time, they're good but before too long, they're usually always right back to drinking like they did before.

    Fucking :werd:
     
  10. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    Dude....I know you were trying to help but recovery is not about casual use. I was so torn by your post. I honestly didn't know how to respond because it seemed like you were just trying to be friendly and support me in whatever I decided.

    I do appreciate your attempt to help and your kind tone....so thanks.
     
  11. i killed tupac

    i killed tupac New Member

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    update? you hanging in there?
     
  12. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    Hey thanks for asking. Yep, I'm hanging tough, didn't smoke and the cravings have passed. Your words helped remind me of so much about the program and how it all fits together. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it man...thanks so much!
     

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