FRK Polyamory and NRE help v. experienced people please

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by liberals=whiner, Feb 21, 2009.

  1. I need to know if this is NRE, or if its really whats happening. A little backround:

    So about 7 months ago my wife brought up the idea of openning our marriage. I was opposed to it. We seperated for a short time and then started counseling. Anyway, around mid December we started the process of openning things. Atleast for her, I didnt have any plans of being non-monogamous. She started talking to a guy via IM that was out of the country. I didnt like him.
    Jump to mid January and things go all the way, she starts being inimate with other people (ie sex and everything) with very few limits. I actually didnt have the problems with it that I thought I would and started considering if I was really monogamous. We started dating another couple and everything was fine.

    About 3 weeks ago the first guy she started talking to came back to town. I had some major problems that we had to sort out before I was ready for her to date him. We cleared most of it and decided that the remaining problems were mine alone to deal with. Anyway, things progressed quickly for her in that relationship, she feels a massive and powerful connection to him. Last week well talking about how things were going I told her how uncomfortable things were for me and how much I still disliked this guy. I wanted to know just what was going to happen in this situation. She confessed that things were moving much faster than she expected and she was very confused.

    We discussed divorce and she decided that she no longer loved me, and he meant much more to her than I ever did. She feels that all the "love" she felt for me in the past was just her reflecting the love I gave her, and wasnt really hers. She has decided that although she cares about me, she doesnt really love me and truly loves him.

    So my question is, is this just possibly NRE that is just over shadowing what she feels for me making it seem like it doesnt exist? Or is what she really feels? I know that no one can really say that but this is the first experience either of us have had with NRE and I dont want to make a rash decision. I dont want to throw away 5 years of marriage and split the kids simply for something that will fade in several months. My wife has a history of short lived relationships, she grows "tired" of relationships quickly. I am her longest relationship, the second longest was only about a year and was in high school. She told me that the only reason she stuck around was because of the kids.

    I know that I love her, I would go through hell and back for this women. Does any one have any input on this? Or should I just cut my loses and leave? I know doing so will be tough but I dont want to let go of what I feel is the best thing to ever happen to me.


    Thanks for your help OT.
     
  2. Joshua

    Joshua ambition over everything OT Supporter

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    She is telling you she isn't in love with you and never was. It hurts, I know, and it won't get better over night. But you should cut your loses.
     
  3. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Basically, she gets everything she wants, and you get nothing. Why would you stay in an unfair relationship?

    Get out.
     
  4. BlackIce72

    BlackIce72 New Member

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    I'd go to freakyshiat for this

    99% of people in the vag have no experience with this and for the most part are incredibly judgmental

    and FS is the opposite in a lot of ways
     
  5. GammaRadiation

    GammaRadiation Active Member

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    My exact opinion.

    What I also recommend.

    Real friends share, but dating outside of the relationship....never going to happen with me so I couldnt help you.
     
  6. maybe because life isnt always fair? Or because love makes people do dumb shit?
     
  7. GammaRadiation

    GammaRadiation Active Member

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    This.

    Life is only unfair if you let it be. Make yourself happy.
     
  8. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

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    :rofl:
     
  9. razi

    razi New Member

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    Whether it's NRE or not, she's stated her feelings.

    "decided that the remaining problems were mine alone to deal with"

    that was the first big flag that this really isn't going to work out. I'm in a situation where my fiance is dating another man. I don't have a problem with it (I've gotten a lot better about this), but while he and I are not on the best of terms, we're not buddies either. The point though is that the girl isn't saying "This is your problem, deal with it" she's saying "let's find a way to work through this together" which is how a healthy relationship works.

    Is there a chance that you love her so strongly because she's leaving?

    You listed too many red flags for this relationship to work, unless you're just into being put down and used (a cuckold). I say this because there are guys who are into that. I am not one of these men.

    I suggest you contact a divorce lawyer immediately. Save records of her seeing other men (logs, phone recordings, etc). Start a separate bank account if you don't have one and have some emergency cash there, because she WILL empty that joint checking account when she leaves. It sounds underhanded and pessimistic, but I can guarantee that if it comes to a divorce 1) you won't see it coming and it will blindside you 2) she won't pull any punches. If you're not prepared you'll not only lose your house and possessions, but your kids as well. Never assume she'll play fair and expect the worst.

    If it doesn't come to that, awesome, but if it does, you MUST be prepared- your children depend on it.
     
  10. sparklwazngurly

    sparklwazngurly New Member

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    Make the move first. She's already told you how she feels about it. Get the money and get the lawyer, or she will and it'll suck more for you. Father's get the bad end of divorces. If she changes her mind, that can be dealt with later (if you want to continue being treated this way). But you need to leave the restaurant table before you get ditched and stuck with the big bill.
     
  11. sparklwazngurly

    sparklwazngurly New Member

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    My divorce is finalzing. She emptied the accounts took all 20k, I got nothing in the settlement, she had already spent it. She has been arrested for assaulting me, been in the psych ward twice, and had to be hunted down, amber alerts and all after she grabbed the baby and ran while her dad beat me and strangled me, yet the court still felt 50/50 custody was in order for her. I am not talking out of my ass in any of this, been through much of what you did (throw in some bipolar and borderline personality disorder and they could almost be the same woman.) Get out and take what you can, you'll need it for your fight for the kids. Watch out for any thing suspicious. Document all phone calls and conversations. Ask her to leave.
     
  12. Emfuser

    Emfuser Nuclear Moderator Super Moderator

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    :werd:
     
  13. RougeOgre

    RougeOgre FS Librarian and MOD

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    What you describe isn't what any of us practice. There was no mutual agreements or mutual benefits. Plain and simple, she cheated and tried to call it something else.
    As everyone else says...be the first one to the lawyer to protect your kids!
     
  14. nukeum999

    nukeum999 New Member

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    Get out.
     
  15. No, its wasnt cheating, we HAD an agreement, in which our relationship was primary and we wouldnt threaten it, although I didnt ask for veto power I did ask that she take my reservations about people VERY seriously.

    We spoke with a poly-friendly counselor (who is poly) and she helped us draft the agreement, and as things progressed the agreement changed. But I guess the fact that she didnt honor the most important part (us being primary) really shows that this will never work out. I mean she (to my knowledge) followed the other things that I had asked, but the most important part was lost on her.


    At any rate, she and I have had some discussions the past few days, and it appears that although I loved/love her, she might not have had any real feelings for me when we married. We have decided to proceed with a divorce.

    Thank you for everyones input on the subject.
     
  16. Bubba Atlantis

    Bubba Atlantis New Member

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    No, you did not have an agreement. She stated what she wanted and you feared loosing things so in an effort to keep your relationship, you gave into whatever she wanted.

    I have looked at this thread a few times but just felt I could not contribute because I really had nothing positive to provide.

    I will preface my following response by saying I am in a very stressful draining situation of my own right now, so my comments may not be put in the kindest way.


    Alrighty, lets see what we can do here. As Rouge pointed out we can not help that much because none of us are doing what you are doing. None of us practice things this way and actually try to stress to people NOT to do this as it leads to what you have described. Being poly or having multiple partners is not about one person getting their sexual needs satisfied and the other person dealing with it. There is a mutual benefit for both parties. Lovely benefits from her relationship with her bf and I benefit from mine with my gf. Moreover, we are both very conscious of ensuring that the needs of our primary partner is met first and foremost.

    I would state that we have a poly relationship because the people we are with are not just fuck buddies, they are actual partners. For me, my girlfriend is no different than if I had a girlfriend and was not married.

    This is not what you are doing. Moreover, there is no mutual benefit. FINALLY, your feelings in the entire situation have never been taken into consideration. Therefore, as I mentioned previously, no, you do not have an agreement, despite how much you want to tell yourself you do. What you have is you giving in out of fear. Again, using my situation as an example, my primary partner (Lovely) comes first. Translation, if both my wife and gf need me desperately at the same time, the wife wins and then I address my gf’s issues.

    To further the point that you do not have an ‘agreement’ and this is NOT a good situation
    a) 7 months ago your WIFE brought up the idea of opening things. You DID NOT want that
    b) You separated but then got back together to start counselling. What got you back together? I suspect you stating that you would try this open marriage thing.
    c) Despite agreeing to this, you still did not want it as you stated you had no plans of being non-monogamous.

    Those here who are in poly relationships are in it with mutual agreement, fulfilment and enjoyment of BOTH partners, not just one.

    d) She brought a guy to town that you had some major problems with. You dealt with MOST of the issues? WRONG! If she cared about you and your relationship, than you would deal with ALL of the issues. Granted, some issues you have to deal with and come to on your own (like jealousy for instance) but a partner that cares about you helps with that, by understanding what your triggers are and tries to minimize that or empathize with you or reassure you that your jealousy is unfounded. You don’t fuck around with this stuff. Every person who is here who is in a poly relationship will tell you that even if you do it correctly, you run the risk of majorly fucking up your primary relationship. This is not a game, it is not for shits and giggles and it is NEVER EVER EVER to fix a relationship. It will NEVER fix a relationship.

    Over the summer, Lovely moved too quickly with her current boyfriend. I told her that it was too fast for me and that I was uncomfortable with some stuff and that it was not working for me. I did not say they needed to end anything. What I did say is that for the time being, I can not handle any sexual activities. She accepted this and we carried on. Now it is okay as I was given the opportunity to adjust at my own pace.

    Regardless to whether this is NRE or not, your problem is not going to be fixed. Nothing is going to change and it will end eventually. The only real question you have left is whether you are going to continue taking shit and going along with stuff you do not want and fighting to cling onto any reminisce of your past relationship or are you going to move forward with things. Personally, I have no idea why you came back after the first break-up. I guess the only thing I can really think of is that you love your kids and sadly, even if the mother is a poor parent, courts usually side with the mother on custody.

    Of course you love her and you have already gone to hell and back. I will tell you right now though that I am almost positive it will NOT get better. There is no reason to think that it will get better. You have been given no indication of improvements, only things getting worse. If you are still having sex (which I doubt) that will end shortly. After that, the communication will cease. You will live in the same house, but will only communicate when completely necessary. Following that, she will ‘sleep over’ at someone elses place more regularly. Eventually this will lead to the end of things. Therefore, you need to decide whether you will allow it to drag out for a while or end things now. Luckily, I think regardless to whether you wait or not, it won’t take long. She seems to be moving rather fast with things (as the entire process has been since mid-December). Therefore, these steps will come very quickly.

    On a completely separate point, you had a shitty counsellor and her license should be taken away for being so unethical. If she was paying attention to your situation and was given enough history, she should have never gone along with you creating a poly relationship. I do not know how much you and your wife told her about your history and how much you voiced NOT wanting to be non-monogamous, but if you did voice it to any level, she should have stated that this was not a good idea for you; especially if she is in a poly relationship herself. Any counsellor with a brain knows that you do not force issues. FORCING anything (not just a relationship type) is so negative and traumatic. It is one of the reasons people get pissed of with psychologists but it is the correct thing to do. So many people get upset because they say that they have to see a psychologist, or counsellor for years and they get upset. Guess what? Problems are not fixed in a day and any ethical counsellor would ensure that things are not rushed. As I mentioned before, this is NOT something you fuck around with and just do because you have no spine and refuse to voice an opinion.

    Hmm, yup, that wasn’t exactly a pleasant reply. Sorry, but I don’t think I should change any of it because I believe everything I said and sometimes the soft, gentle approach is not the most effective.
     
  17. Bubba Atlantis

    Bubba Atlantis New Member

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    Doubtful

    Edit: Seems my comments are a bit late as I did not see the most recent post.
     
  18. thanks bubba, its hard to admit but alot of people around me have said similar things to me

    I guess I was just in denile that things werent this bad. But I need to deny somethings because if I dont I will mull over them in my head until I snap and hurt someone. :\
     
  19. Bubba Atlantis

    Bubba Atlantis New Member

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    It isn't denial necessarily. I mean part of it is, but it is also fear. Moreover, we do not like to fail. If you admit things are done and did not work out, than it feels to you that you have failed. That is, that you did not try hard enough or that you did not make enough concessions. When people get a divorce, they are viewed by society as failures at a relationship or that they bailed out or that they made a bad choice in the first place. That is not always the case. However, as a result of these views, people are afraid to admit to themselves that the decision to part ways is the best.

    Therefore, I would not put so much of the feelings on yourself (at least in the way you currently are). It is not a failure. I mean, although I personally think you made some bad choices in continuing things when the final outcome was fairly clear, your attempts to try and make it work shows that although the outcome may have been the same, you tried to make it work. Moreover, you exhausted a variety of sources to make it work. There is that important middle ground. You have some people who run at the first point of distress and you have the others that hold on to something that really isn't there. The key is being in the middle: Not running away and trying what you can to fix things, but also knowing that sometimes you can not fix things and in the end, it might not work.

    You'll be alright. Your mental health is important and I suspect that you have not been that healthy of late.
     
  20. sparklwazngurly

    sparklwazngurly New Member

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    100% on the money
     
  21. MB300E87

    MB300E87 Active Member

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    there is a complete disregard for your feelings and a total lack of respect. there are open marriages that have agreed upon boundaries.. to me you've ended up in one that is one sided where one person is pulling the strings.
     
  22. korrosion

    korrosion New Member

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    Without quoting everyone above me, basically I'd say kick her to the curb. Get the best lawyer you can, dont cheap out on the lawyer. Pull as much money as you can to other accounts, multiple ones at different banks and make sure it is only your name on those accounts. Start moving valuables like guns, cars, motorcycles, paintings, pictures, nice tv's, whatever you can to the house of a trusted person who is 100% on your side. In fact sell the stuff and write out a receipt. You can always go get it back from your friends later. In short, she's trying to fuck you up, fuck her first, and do it dry.
     
  23. Drunken Karnie Midget

    Drunken Karnie Midget In Yeo We Trust, All Others Pay Cash OT Supporter

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    Dude, get out... you're gonna get raped in the courts, unless you fire the first shot. She's cheating, and wants to make it look OK by telling you about it before hand. That's not cool. cut your losses, cover your ass, and get out.
     

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