Please...male Advise/opinion Needed!!!

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by DramaQueen, Jan 25, 2006.

  1. DramaQueen

    DramaQueen New Member

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    ok....well, here is my story....a 2 year relationship recently ended (2 months ago) and I've been trying to get on with my life...I started seeing this guy about a month ago. He seems really nice, sweet guy, friendly, outgoing, has a big heart..anyways...we've seen each other quite a lot since then. I met him online, and then we met for coffee, and that's how it all started. He seems to have most of the qualities that I'm looking for. Althought there are a few things that he is lacking, but for now I'm willing to overlook that. Anyways, we have a strong physical connection, chemistry if you will....and we have been intimate ...almost every time we see other (by intimate I mean physical, we haven't had sex yet, because I want to wait) and this is exactly what I need some male opinion on..(although girls are welcome to comment as well ;) )

    I know it's only been a month since we started talking/seeing other....But I'm the kind of girl, that I don't like playing games...and I hate the whole dating thing...or seeing each other thing...because I don't quite understand what the hell the differnce is anyways...so a few times he has told me that he really wanted to see me, because he needed talk to me about somehting....but every time we do see other, he somehow manages to get away without talking about it....I have no idea what it is he wants to tell me....My best friend is assuming it has to do with either asking me to be exlusive or something of that sort...I tried to get him to talk to me...but every time there is some sort of exuse...there is always something...he has a soccer game and needs to rush..or his friends are coming over for poker night..and we only have a half hour to see each other for a quick cup of coffee...when I tried to ask him what is it about...he just smiles and doesn't really say anything..and then once he said it was about him...and another time he said it was about "THIS" whatever that means!!! :hs: ....anyways...Because I hate and don't understand dating thing...I feel like we should really talk about us...and where we stand..because I don't want to be assuming things on his behalf and at the same time don't want to seem pushy....

    Now...It's really important for me to know where we stand, and what my status is...Am I just a friend? Am I just somebody he is seeing? or does he already consider me a girlfriend...I have no idea, so my question to guys is: If you were in this situation, what would you prefer the girl to do? Should I leave it alone for now..and let him come to me and talk to me whenever he is ready...(assuming what he needs to tell me has to do with us) or should I just bring it up...and ask him up front what he thinks is going on between us...are we just seeing other/dating...or do we have a relationship? and are we exlusive? or we're still sort of open to be seeing other people?...I don't know, and it really bugs me...any sort of advice or opinion is welcome!!! I don't have much experience in the whole dating thing...it usually becomes serious for me pretty soon...So I don't know what the "rules" are in this situation....:p

    Thank you all in advance for all the opinion/advice!

    P.S. COme on people...leave some advice for me...hehe
     
    Last edited: Jan 26, 2006
  2. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    Talking about what you want is not pushy, it's IMPORTANT. ;) By not talking about it, you are essentially lying about who you are and what you want, and are leading him on. If you don't want sex, maybe you shouldn't be dating a guy who is so intimate! There are lots of nice guys at church who will wait...

    If you date other people, you're telling him that you don't think he's the one. Plain and simple. The fact that he only spends a short time with you also says the same about you. You apparently have not given him enough dedication for him to invest too much energy into the relationship. Me, personally, I would have dumped you after a week (granted I am 36) because I don't want to date someone who is asexual. That is not who I am nor the type of woman I want to be with.

    The rules are you need to be yourself. You need to be honest. You need to be flexible. You need to be caring and loyal. If you are playing games, you're going to get played.
     
  3. DramaQueen

    DramaQueen New Member

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    oh no...you didn't understand the situation correctly..I am not religious at all...and I am very much a sexual woman...but I don't just sleep around with guys that don't mean anything to me...the only time I want to make love is when it means something...and when I know that we are exclusive...and NO I am not dating other people, I don't do such things...I can only date one person at a time...I just want to be clear that HE is not...and also we have spent long periods of time together, just the 2 times when we wanted to talk to me, happened to be short...that is all
     
    Last edited: Jan 25, 2006
  4. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    Hm. It feels like I am missing something, so it's hard to say much... say, how old are you guys? I did not suspect you were religious, but the advice I give guys is that actions speak louder than words. If you're holding back ... why? I would tell a guy that you may not like him enough to get closer. You said it yourself - you want to make sure it's with the right person. I can totally respect that, but I just wonder what he thinks.

    What's his background with previous GF's? Many? Few? None?

    Can you tell us what you two talk about or do when you are together?

    I'm trying to get a better feel for this...
     
  5. Kinks

    Kinks Sup. OT Supporter

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    he's either playing games or is too much of a pussy to talk about his feelings.

    wait for a decent chance to hang out and then just say "is there anything you want to tell me?" or something.. if he says no just leave it.

    stick to your guns about the physical side of things though. it's a good thing that you've connected on that level already but if you want something serious then don't proceed any further until he makes it clear he wants to go out with you :)
     
  6. The Walrus

    The Walrus New Member

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    Leave it be...Your obsession with it will only drive you crazy and him away. He'll talk about it if and when he's ready and your bringing it up will only make it more difficult for him no matter how understanding you try to be. He'll soon start calling less because he'll know there is going to be this awkward time when you ask and he doesn't answer. Your best bet is to put it completely out of your mind like it never happened.

    The Walrus
     
  7. DramaQueen

    DramaQueen New Member

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    I'm 21, he is 28. He was with his first serious gf for 8 years, got married to her "because it was the next thing to do" (that's quoting him) and then had another serious relationship that lasted for 4 years....and he's dated here and there (again just what I know from his words) so judging by his experiences, I know he is someone dedicated and commited...

    When we see each other, we usually go for coffee or a drink, A few times we went out with his and my friends, and once he asked me to come over with him to his friend's house, they were having a "board games" night...it was fun, he has nice friends....

    What we talk about is what we are lacking in my opinion....I love talking, and for me it's very important to have an excellent communication with the person I am with...I want to be best friends and be able to tell each other anything and everything, what's on your mind/heart whatever happened to you during the day...etc...BUT with him, so far it hasn't been like that...like we talk, and we've talked on the phone before a few times for a few hours....but I don't feel like we totally connected....like it feels like he is holding back...but i'm not sure if it's him holding back...or if he is just somebody who doesn't really like talking...about serious things...like life, universe..people..feelings ...dreams/hopes...Do you know what I mean? That is the part that bothers me...Apart from that, he is a sweet, caring guy (from what I have seen so far ...1 month...not long at all I know...) he has good people for friends...which shows a lot to me...and he has good morals/values ...he is Yugoslavian...east eauropean like me...so we have similar values...he's family oriented...which is something very important to me...hopefully this gives a better inside feel of the situation.....
     
  8. DramaQueen

    DramaQueen New Member

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    I don't think he is the type to be playing games...I think he might be scared though of letting loose of his feelings...he's been cheated on twice before...so maybe he's scared of emotions? and attachment?

    That's exactly what I'm going to do...I want to be clear that we are in an exlusive relationship before we make love...
     
  9. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    To me it sounds like you don't have enough of a connection there. It's like you're trying to make things "better" already. If a relationship starts off with a stumble, like this, you have to ask yourself if it's really worth it.

    I cannot quite put my finger on it, but something about what he is doing does not sound right. It's like he's not making enough effort or he doesn't have enough in common with you to make it work.

    I'm starting to think you are looking for someone to validate dumping him... He sounds boring to me, and that's the kiss of death for any guy. Especially if he gets cheated on a lot, this means that he does not know how to maintain a relationship. He's holding back because he does not want to get hurt again, because in all reality you'll probably find out that he's not going to get much better. He seems to be the one who needs the dating advice, not you.

    Knowing what little I know now, I'd say that you think about not dating him. Just because he's in the family way does not make him a great guy. He seems very inexperienced with maintaining a long term and quality relationship.

    I'd cut him loose and see what happens.
     
  10. DramaQueen

    DramaQueen New Member

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    Thank you...what you're saying makes sense..I think there is some truth to it....I'm going to have to think about it for sure...

    Thanks again, wise man :wiggle:
     
  11. afterShock81

    afterShock81 If I could only have one food for the rest of my l

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    ibhehasakid
     
  12. Solus Emsu

    Solus Emsu ****** U N R A T E D ! ****** -----THAT'S HOW I RO

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    If I were him......

    I would still be just feeling you out. I would be cautious because I had past experiences that lasted a long time, so a month would not be very long for me. If I feel that you are clinging to me after only a month, I personally, would avoid you as much as possible and avoid talks about relationships due to the fact that men do not like to feel obligated in situations.
    That is me though.

    You see. He was at the "next thing to do" with someone else. And it was not the right thing for him. By demanding you know where you both stand, you are implying obligation to do "the next thing to do". If you really like this guy and want to be with him, you need to develope some patience.

    You can't just say, "I'm the type of girl that needs to know" and "I'm just the type of girl that it becomes serious for me pretty soon" and then blame him because you are impatient.
    If a guy that doesn't want to rush things is not your type of guy, then maybe you should move on. But do not rush him if he does not want to be rushed AND if you put that obligation on him, he will likely leave.

    Just how I know I would feel.
     
  13. DramaQueen

    DramaQueen New Member

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    Thank you for your advice...I can totally see him feeling the way that you are describing....

    I just have to get it out of my head...and wait for him to come and talk to me, if he really wants to...
     
  14. ClefairyTorii

    ClefairyTorii New Member

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    In reguards to your problem, i'd personally just straight up ask him whats going on. Reguardless of the answer, you will be better off in the end imo.

    You are still 21, and thats pretty young. You still have a lot of years ahead of you to find the right guy. I personally wouldn't put up w/ so much drama for no reason, heh.
     
  15. DramaQueen

    DramaQueen New Member

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    Haha...maybe it's the way I made it seem..and presented from my "perspective" that it seems there is too much drama....but really, there is no drama...I'm just a Drama Queen afterall ...hence the nickname!! :mamoru2:
     
  16. chica&buddies

    chica&buddies Active Member

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    agreed...

    i have a question, tho, o wise one ;)

    is it wrong to ask, if the girl just wants to know where they stand? i would never force a guy into a relationship, but what's wrong with asking, "soo what's goin on between us?"

    :dunno: i don't get attached [easily], so it's not a big deal if it's not exclusive, but just curious as to how YOU think a woman should approach a man she's "seeing."
     
  17. Solus Emsu

    Solus Emsu ****** U N R A T E D ! ****** -----THAT'S HOW I RO

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    Actually, there is nothing wrong with asking that.
    Normally, it wouldn't be a bad idea because everyone wants to know where things are going. Everyone wants to know if they are wasting their time with the other person.

    But in her case, it hasn't been that long and given his situation, he seems like the guy that is definitely on the defensive when it comes to investing too much of a committment and emotion. The best thing to do in this situation is be patient. If after a few more months you still don't know, then I would definitely ask. No one can wait forever for someone to come around.
     

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