Please, How does a man who's hurt a woman, get her back... when she's broken it off.

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by chlywly, Jan 18, 2009.

  1. chlywly

    chlywly Active Member

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    The past several weeks have been the most difficult in my life. I've learned so much about myself, seen so many places where my attitude has been atrocious where I have let my insecurities get the best of me, where I have hurt the love of my life unintentionally through small things adding up as well as several large things... where I must have seen inconsiderate, critical, impatient and pushy.

    I've tried for the past 2 weeks, I've poured my heart out. I've begged and pleaded on my knees, I've told her I loved her, where I was too afraid to do so before.

    She is a very sensitive, very quite 'cancer'... and I can be a blunt often emotionally unintelligent Sagittarius. I've often misunderstood her quiteness, often jumped to conclusions without giving her the patience and comfort she deserves as woman.

    She said she was falling in love with me.

    Now she said it was too much and she could not put herself through it agan.. I kissed her, she froze up and cried. She got cold, she's protecting herself and isn't sure how she feels about me. She got out of a bad marriage before me, and never wants to go back to that place of pain.

    I want to change, I know I can... I've seen all the things I've done wrong, it's just I'm lost right now as to what to do. It seems when I give her space I do it at the wrong times, and it seems when I push I do so at the wrong times.

    I need help, preferrably from women and women who've experienced this.
    I packed up all her things that night, it hurt me too much looking at them, she said 'what is this an excorcism?' it must have hurt her...

    I msg'd her last morning saying "I don't resent what you did, I understand. I will hold a pace in my heart for you for as long as I can bear the pain, good luck little brave crab" , to which she replied "U made me happier than you can ever imagine, thank you".... I don't know what she refers to, maybe she means because I don't resent her. I know she doesn't want to hurt my feelings. She said she still has feelings for me, but she cannot deal with the pain and she doesn't believe I will change, she thinks it's just me.

    I know however I will change, I know my negative qualities and I will do anything to prove it and to give her what she needs.

    I'm lost now, should I not call her at all... Should I give her a weeks full space? its so hard for me... All I want to do is call her and see how she's donig.. hear her voice.

    I was thinking maybe next week, if I do not call her, I will show up at her place with a letter of all the things I have realized, provide more concrete examples of where I know I went wrong and how I know I need to change.
    I bought an amble and I was thinking of putting some pictures of all the great times we've had in it to give to her as well.

    I don't want to be too pushy though, I want to show her I am patient, and that I am here... that I will fight....

    I'm often impatient, blunt you know, hot headed (fire sign) I tend to jump the gun and be pushy... I know she needs the opposite.

    Please help. :hs:

    I think my problem is I've been pushy and forceful... even up until the break up, pleading and begging you know when it's too late when you've already hurt her, seems foolish.... I know she didn't want to break it off, she told me all she wanted was to be happy with me.

    How do I show her patience, but that I'm here and that I care.

    Should I not bring things up, should I simply contact her once in a while to be myself, to see how she is, take it easy?

    Should I make myself hard to get and unavailable?
     
    Last edited: Jan 18, 2009
  2. Spinkick

    Spinkick Active Member

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    The only thing you can really do is to tell her how you feel, and let her make her own decision. As a guy, I know you want to "fix" the situation.. its a natural instinct for us to do so. But in this situation, all you can do is make yourself ready for the relationship, but also focus on other aspects of your life so you dont drive yourself insane.

    It's like that saying "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it is yours, otherwise, it never was".

    I'm not saying break all contact with her, but let things happen on her own accord.

    Sorry man, I know how bad you must feel, believe me.
     
  3. HouseLing

    HouseLing When masturbations lost its fun you'r fucking lazy

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    Quick answer = you don't
     
  4. jonno

    jonno New Member

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    i wouldnt contact her. take this as a learning experience
     
  5. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    that idea is creepy. Showing up unannounced with a letter and pictures? Stalker like creepy.

    Basically though...there's not much you can do. You could TELL her all the ways you have changed and all, but ultimately, words mean nothing. SHE has to decide if she is willing to take the risk of being in a relationship with you. Don't play games. Don't play "hard to get". Don't appear to be busy with other women if you're not...and don't say you have other dates to make her jealous. Simply go on with your life, realize that she MAY NOT come back to you.

    When I said don't play hard to get, I didn't mean I want you to sit at home waiting for her to call. Heck, go out on other dates, but don't rub it in her face if you do. If she does call, and you have a date going on or something, don't tell her "I have a date with a girl", tell her "I have plans for today/tonight".

    And it's Q-U-I-E-T. Sorry. It annoys me to no end how people get "quite" and "quiet" confused. Also...don't rely on astrology/horoscope stuff to describe people.
     
  6. weezerfan

    weezerfan New Member

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    I would just send her a positive email wishing her the best of luck in life and how this is the best thing that could of happened for both of you.

    I wouldn't contact her at all, and just use the time to work on yourself. Try to improve every aspect of your life.

    And maybe if she runs into you in a year or two down the road when your both completely over each other you could try again, but I would't bank on it :hs:
     
  7. nish81

    nish81 OT Supporter

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    I agree with this man
     
  8. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    mail the letter. a real oldschool, handwritten snail mail might be effective.

    showing up at her house is risky, and if one of the issues you have been having is that she thinks you are pushy, its a bad call.

    DO NOT do the photo thing.

    what she wants from you:
    to admit you made mistakes
    that you are not ok without her (don't let her hear about other women. keep some sad puppy stuff on your facebook status and away messages)
    she wants to understand you. don't just say you will change, if you can give her insight into the causes and open up in a new way to her it will be satisfying for her.


    if she doesn't come back in 3 weeks, you've probably got to move on. if she finds out she may be losing you that may spur her to make a decision to give you another try, but don't count on it.
     
  9. chlywly

    chlywly Active Member

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    Called her today briefly, just to check to see how she's doing and say I was a fool lately acting the way I have.. also asking if she wanted me to end all contact and move on. She said she was glad I called and was happy to hear from me and that I could call her any time I wanted to...

    I know shes still got feelings for me, shes just confused/hurt and protecting.
     
  10. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    and you really buy all this horoscope crap?
     
  11. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    ok, good, now that you have established that, you're going to have to leave her be to figure out what she wants.
     
  12. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    haven't read the OP yet

    the more you chase something, the more it runs away

    also, you can't logically convince her to change how she feels
     
  13. chlywly

    chlywly Active Member

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    I do buy it yes, its too evident both when it comes to my predisposition to certain behaviors as well as to hers... we're very very similar to our horoscope descriptions.
     
  14. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    i've got a copy of my birth chart with an analysis and its spot-on
     
  15. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    right which means the whole game hinges on changing the way she feels. Thats how it always is with women, but we guys always forget, so it bears repeating.
     
  16. Spinkick

    Spinkick Active Member

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    Do this!!
     
  17. Spinkick

    Spinkick Active Member

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    picard.jpg
     
  18. chlywly

    chlywly Active Member

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    Well thanks guys, I'm going to take it easy on her... provide the sensitivity which has been lacking. I'll see if she will maybe have coffee with me next week, something small and light...
     
  19. Spinkick

    Spinkick Active Member

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    Yep, the more you squeeze sand, the more it runs through your fingers. Its a tough thing.
     
  20. le_rocks

    le_rocks New Member

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    I feel for you man, just leave her be and hope for it to turn your way. Fight the urge to contact, beg and plead with her. Good luck.
     
  21. MarshyTheKid

    MarshyTheKid New Member

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    Do the coffee. Ask her to let you show her you have changed. Tell her that you guys cab start out slow and prove it to her.
     
  22. KindlyCuddly

    KindlyCuddly Irina Lazareanu

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    i think you're taking her offering of friendship as her still being interested in you romantically. don't set yourself up further failure.
     
  23. lauren

    lauren Active Member

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    maybe you're projecting. being adamant YOU know how SHE feels is not exactly the less pushy vibe you should be giving off.
     
  24. chlywly

    chlywly Active Member

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    Thanks thats really good advice.
     
  25. chlywly

    chlywly Active Member

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    Maybe, but from what I know of her... she's not one to really maintain contact with people she's over.. Ex's that is... She's very old fashioned in that way.
     

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