Platonic Friend - Long

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by wumitch, Dec 13, 2007.

  1. wumitch

    wumitch New Member

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    I've been friends with this girl for a little over a year now. She's an incredible friend of mine, on of my best, despite having known her for such a short period of time. I met her extremely randomly and we immediately struck up an amazing conversation and there's been no looking back.

    One of the first things that she told me about herself was that she had a boyfriend of almost two years (distance relationship, I'm in college). The first time we actually hung out she asked me if I was trying to get with her. I said no, and I really wasn't. I was and still am single but am, as a rule, not interested in girls who have a significant other, even one they don't see regularly. So we developed an incredible friendship almost completely lacking in sexual tension. There was a period of time when we were seeing each other almost constantly, but this has simmered down into a normal, healthy, but still very close friendship. I have felt the entire time extremely lucky to have met her and I think that I value her friendship as much as those with my "best friends".

    About two weeks ago, she broke up with her boyfriend. Though I had never acted as such, I had personally decided that if she were to become single, that I would be interested, though I would never act on my own to avoid messing up the friendship somehow. Suddenly, after she was single, she wanted to hang out with me all the time. We reverted to seeing each other daily for several hours, much as we had at the beginning of our relationship.

    At first, I just assumed that she wanted me around to comfort her, but I began to notice that she was flirting with me. More, there was pretty obvious sexual tension between us. I even caught her rubbing her foot against my ankles across tables filled with mutual friends.

    Last night, I went to her apartment and she confronted me about the whole thing. I told her that I wanted to try a relationship. She's asian, I'm white, and she has a problem with this. It's nothing against white guys, she has just always planned, very intently apparently, to marry an asian guy. Nothing her parents have established or even encouraged, just a general guideline she has set up for herself. So she doesn't want a relationship, but she does like me and she's obviously extremely confused.

    She was sure, however, that she wanted to experiment physically. We ended up having sex, which was enjoyable though a little painful initially for her, because apparently I was much larger than her previous boyfriend.

    Afterwards she just seemed really confused. She seems convinced that relationships should be about finding a future spouse and doesn't want to get into something with me because she knows she won't marry me because I'm not chinese. I'm of the completely opposite opinions. I see relationships as a way to enjoy yourself and your SO, and as a way to learn about yourself and what you prefer in a SO, but I guess I was unable to convince her. I left her thinking after a good hour of discussion, and she's made me promise not to talk to her until next monday.

    What do you think? Did I completely make the wrong decision in agreeing to have sex with her? Have I ruined our friendship? Any chance she'll change her mind? I'm really lost in the whole thing. I'd really like to date her, but more than anything I just want things to be ok between us.
     
  2. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

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    Sounds like you are just her rebound guy right now. She just ended a long relationship so neither of you should even be thinking about her jumping right into another one until she has a chance to get over this one.
     
  3. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Sounds like you guys will never work out. Tradition is so embedded in her brain that she doesn't even want to attempt casually dating you, even if it would be a great relationship. All this girl thinks about is dating to marry. Do you really want to be with that? Fight for a girl who even after dating a short time will possibly talk about marriage constantly and how that's what you two should be fighting for? Don't get me wrong, I'm sure you really care about her but you ar fighting a lost cause.

    Normally I'd just point out, like Midgetized, that you shouldn't get involved yet because she's on the rebound (which is true) but I find the bigger problem to be the fact that she's outwardly told you she dates to marry and will not and can't marry a white boy. Hell, she won't even date you because of the possibility that she could find happiness and love with you but still wouldn't marry you. You can't and shouldn't try to change a person and their beliefs.

    You had sex with her even though you shouldn't have most likely before having a real conversation about everything, but what's done is done. Will it ruin your friendship? I don't know, it's up to how you handle eveything. It sounds to me like you are just hung up on dating her now and I don't see her bending. You can possibly talk to her about how she feels about being fuck buddies, but to do that you have to get over the idea of being with her first.
     
  4. Yuppy

    Yuppy Have a seat right there....

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    relationships are about find a spouse.
     
  5. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    food is about lobster
     
  6. wumitch

    wumitch New Member

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    I would say that we had had a real conversation about everything, but I could definitely acknowledge that maybe at that point she wasn't ready to have that conversation, simply because it hasn't been long enough since her first relationship ended.
     
  7. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Don't have any expectations for this going anywhere. You two are incompatible.

    But don't worry about the sex thing. It was definitely mutual...the worst that can happen is that she decides to stay away from you because she is "confused".

    Who knows, she might wan to try it again sometime?

    Basically...you don't really have anything to lose. But don't actively try to do anything with this. Don't purse her, wait for her to contact you if she wants more sex or what not.

    You didn't do anything wrong. Her confusion is her concern, no need for you to worry about it.
     
  8. Yuppy

    Yuppy Have a seat right there....

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    lobster is about getting full.

    you dont date because you want to dump them later; else you are wasting your time. if people are genuinely dating with good intentions then it is a tryout to become a spouse.

    not all girls you are fucking are in this category. but you are cheating yourself if you are doing anything less w/girls whom you are dating.
     
  9. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    That's interesting.

    Unlike you, if I date someone without certainty about the future, I am not wasting my time.

    For that matter, that generalization about "people" is false. Not in the sense that there are exceptions to the rule - in the sense that it's just ... not the rule. Remember the poll where it was 50-50 dead on?

    I would prefer never to get married; if I am dating with good intentions, then that is simply to say I have a connection with somebody. And it may or may not feel eternal or life-altering.

    Marriage is not this wonderful thing I'm trying to accomplish. I would view marriage, or just trying someone out for marriage, as cheating myself of a natural relationship.
     
  10. FloppyCock

    FloppyCock New Member

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    What is with so many guys on this forum being chicks at heart?

    What happened to being in a relationship because it is fun?
     
  11. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    :werd:

    Or being in a relationship because it is meaningful. Or both?
     
  12. Yuppy

    Yuppy Have a seat right there....

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    lol i dont call that a relationship

    i call it a fling. no titles. you guys are getting me all twisted here

    ive had 2 girlfriends in my life(tryouts). ive had more 'flings' than 99.95% of this board.

    im not saying these flings cant go on longer than a month, but i wont waste my time on something that i dont think is going anywhere. and i wont lie to a chick to do it b/c that would compromise my integrity and no chick is worth that
     
  13. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    it's funny,

    i'm not into any of the options you have limited yourself to.
     
  14. FloppyCock

    FloppyCock New Member

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    In between bragging about your conquests and arguing semantics, you still think like a girl.

    "Tryouts" for marriage? Is that title really your sole objective?
     
  15. Yuppy

    Yuppy Have a seat right there....

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    lol it is a question of semantics for me. if i am with a girl i do so with the best intentions. but if i am just sleeping with her, i generally assume its understood that thats all it is.

    of course i want to have fun, but hell i think most men on this board could prolly go out and 80% of the time not sleep alone. its just if i want to build a relationship with someone i choose that someone and try to make it somewhat special
     
  16. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    then why, by jehovah, do you view it in terms of marriage? :ugh:

    sweet name of mary, virgin mother of jesus christ, lord almighty, son of god.

    learn to separate these two concepts

    -> trying out for teh marriage
    -> special, meaningful, and real

    :doh:
     
  17. Yuppy

    Yuppy Have a seat right there....

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    its not like every girl i sleep with even has a shot at that. its a tryout; its not an offer.

    i mean fuck, im not saying 1 nighters and flings dont hve their merits. but im 23 i like to think whatever I try to do will confer benefits in the future. fuck. I wont marry a chick til I am ready to procreate and she is ready to sign a prenup, even if she has my kid
     
  18. Flux

    Flux uh huh, yeah OT Supporter

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    Traditional values, parents and the way most asians are brought up on; that's what happened.

    And honestly I wouldn't see it any other way. Dating someone (not in highschool) and foreseeing it ending from the get-go is a waste of time.
     
  19. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    investment love is so romantic.
     
  20. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    ===

    :wtc:

    what a response.

    it's like when you watch a presidential debate, and someone asks

    "what is your stance on health care?"

    and the response is

    "i believe in democracy!"

    ===

    but yeah, learn to separate these two concepts:

    1. trying out for teh marriage
    2. special, deeply meaningful, and real

    and you will be a real boy at last
     
  21. Yuppy

    Yuppy Have a seat right there....

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    dating in high school doesnt ever count for anything; 99tybillion/100

    but after that its like, ok i can still fuck all these college chicks, or i can find one and start moving forward with what is the natural progression of ones life........ or just work hard, get rich and put it off til you are old and unattractive and all the hot ones that are left are damaged goods.
     
  22. Yuppy

    Yuppy Have a seat right there....

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    -> trying out for teh marriage
    -> special, meaningful, and real

    real doesnt matter. thats not relatvie here.

    but for something to be special your heat has to be in it; if its not then its not all that special. and if its special wouldnt it make sense to think about the possibliltiy of a life long partnership?
     
  23. Flux

    Flux uh huh, yeah OT Supporter

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    If you want to call it that. It's worked for my circle of friends and family and it'll always remain that way. :)
     
  24. FloppyCock

    FloppyCock New Member

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    I think it is a shit way of looking at relationships. You aren't in it to reach the finish line at the end; putting in the hours to get the wedding ring on your finger is how shallow women think.

    Honestly, I've heard two types of people use the phrase "marriage material" seriously in real life:

    1) Women.
    2) Needy, clingy men.
     
  25. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    agreed

    for some people, yeah, it definitely would. for you, certainly?

    as for me, i don't want the reason a woman stays with me to be because we are contractually bound, or because we both have to pay mortgage.

    i may not have kids. i guarantee absolutely that I will never get married if i don't have kids. (marrying somebody temporarily to get them into the country might be the one and only exception).

    i can grow old together with somebody, without having to sign a single legal document. but godforbid I PLAN to grow old together with somebody. why the hell would I do that.

    if your eyes blur and you only read half of this post, let this sentence summarize my perspective:

    if it's real and my heart is in it enough, then we don't need to verbally agree on it, because we'll be unto death anyway; and if it's not at that point, then it's not worth agreeing on in the first place. either way... :nono: agreement.

    my previous point was only that you are ASSUMING a logical step:

    your heart is in it = you want to build a lifelong contract around your emotions

    a point that IMO is very contentious.

    ("contentious" in this context means, effectively, something you can't assume to be true. i'm lazy and i'm not going to "write down" for xapu!m in this one post. however pretentious that makes me for using the first word that pops into my head. sorry folks. :mamoru:)
     

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