personal inflexibility and general clusterfuck

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by NCS, Jul 21, 2008.

  1. NCS

    NCS Active Member

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    part uno - the realistic shit

    i'm a busy guy, i generally know what i want, and i have my ways of going about things. i never realized how inflexible i was until now, and i'm with someone who has just as strong expectations, methods of doing whatever, and ways of sticking to that. this results in stupid fights over the most retarded shit, because any way you slice it, someone is asking the other person to change. i see no way out here because i figure if i dont want to sacrifice certain ways of spending time, then she shouldn't either. yet she'll ask me to, ill say no, and she'll get disappointed. in other words my solution is to not ask and not expect, and hers is much more co-dependant and involves a lot of compromise and sacrifice.

    for ex, she'll want me to go shopping with her, i'll have better things to do, then she gets disappointed that i'm not spending time with her. i go "you do your shit, ill do mine, then we can have more quality time together" and that just depresses her more because with how busy she is she somehow thinks that will never happen.


    part dos - the clusterfuck

    post-one-of-these-fights we're making up and talking, and its been quite emotional. we're 2 months in a relationship and its going really fast, but feels natural that way. I had a planned vacation halfway around the world and she flew over to share some of that with me. She still seems very into me and we're close. So during this make up talk, I tell her i love her a lot, and that even though the very recent past has been kind of tough, its particularly hard because i'm so into her.

    Then I do something stupid (to all you guys here, no need to point out how awful this line is), and ask "dont you feel the same?" to which she replies "I do but right now i feel that you feel stronger than I do". I decided to not let this blow up any more and went to bed. The next morning she's still grabbing onto me and obviously very into things.

    While i'd really like comments on everything, the last part is bothering me. should i dismiss this as temporary emotional bullshit or take a huge step back in the relationship?


    also as a general relationship management plan, do you guys try and talk through problems or just call her out on her bullshit and let her correct her behavoir?

    cliffs: i'm a pain, she's a pain, my feelings got hurt, she's part crazy, i'm still in control of my emotions and wondering what path to walk
     
    Last edited: Jul 21, 2008
  2. mooses

    mooses OT Supporter

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    First off, you are 2 months in and already telling her you love her? I think you need to slow down a bit. You've barely scratched the surface of knowing this girl.

    Why are you two so busy all the time? What exactly was your "better things to do"? Did you go hang out with friends? She obviously saw it as you having more important things to do rather than spend the day with her.

    Communication is important, but I'd strongly advise against calling out a girl about her problems. That is a great way to makes things even worse. Sit down with her and talk about it.

    edit: how old are both of you?
     
  3. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    I would let it blow over and wait to see if she acts as though thats true.
    If there isn't a huge variance in level of love/commitment don't sweat it, at any given point one person may be more enthusiastic than the other, and that will change.
     
  4. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    It's weird that you did exactly what we all said you'd do. You moved WAY too fucking fast with this girl after leaving your other long relationship and know you are realizing faster than normal that relationships aren't perfect.
     
  5. NCS

    NCS Active Member

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    beer: i respect your opinions but i don't need an "i told you so"; i knew what i was getting into. instead of an "i told you so" i still point out at least some valid issues to discuss, don't i? i still don't regret my decision here. if the relationship doesnt work, it will end. this is mostly about dealing with stuff i haven't seen in other relationships. i've never been with someone as stubborn and strong-headed as i am.

    mooses: she's busy because she's waaay behind on her phd thesis. i'm busy because i work, have a social life, and have hobbies. on that particular occaison i needed to sleep.

    demosnat: thats a good point. that part of my rant came as a shock because i always felt she was more into me. however, she just may be more co dependent and have bad habits in that area.

    to whoever asked about age: 27, 28.
     
  6. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    sigh, fine.

    You are both stubborn and you say she's more co-dependent than your ex, but really I think she's just as co-dependent as your ex, your ex was just more of a pushover. You would tell her "I'm doing this, you do this and we''ll hang out later" and she would just let it happen; obviously your new girl doesn't like that. However, the only thing you can do is both compromise. You expecting her to just let you do whatever you want is not compromising. How many days a week do you see each other? I'm just curious.

    As unromantic as it sounds, if you guys are spendng too much time together then it needs to be handled in a level-headed way. Plan specific days that you will do something beforehand and make sure to update each other on days you have things planned with friends, etc. What doesn't fit is you later say she claims you are more into the relationship than you....yet she is the one pushing to see you more?

    And on the second portion, I just don't know what to tell you. I mean while I want to believe you are feeling love with this girl the fact is you jumped right out of a long term relaionship and into a new one and are telling her you love her within 2 months of dating....If I were her that would not only freak me out but be wary if you were being truthful. I'd thnk you were just dying to be in another loving relationship, so maybe she's putting up a little wall just to test you :dunno:

    My bf and I talk through any issues we have (it's our rule) but if it's something like that, where someone is just not feeling something there's nothing you can do but let it go. If I were you I wouldn't put so much stock into this relationship and focus more on myself :dunno:
     
  7. Alaya

    Alaya Active Member

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    She may be really into you, but that != love.
     
  8. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    I believe you got an honest answer to your question, which I find refreshing.

    I don't need to tell you what you communicated to her by first confessing your feelings, then putting her on the spot about her feelings for you.

    Also, "I love you a lot" isn't the same as "I love you" to her.

    Was this the first time you said this to her?
     
  9. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    On that note, the fact that she told you the truth, when it would have been easier/more PC to lie, is just, amazing. I really, really respect that.
     
  10. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

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    When she wanted to go shopping and you wanted to sleep what exactly did you tell her? Did you say "no, I have better things to do" (which is what it sounded like in your first post) or did you explain that you are tired and you really need to catch up on sleep? If you did not have plans already to go shopping with her then she shouldn't be upset at you not going.

    I'm the same way you are though with wanting to do things the way I want, when I want and having set things I want to get done each day and I get annoyed when I can't get things done the way I want. I would probably go nuts dating another person like that though :o If you really want to stay with this girl then it sounds like you both need to plan your time together in advance so there won't be any issues. If you already have plans to hang out with each other then you won't have to worry about either of you interrupting your other plans for each other.
     
  11. Ideotique

    Ideotique Drinking on monday nights does not make me an alco

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    Holy fuck. This is the exact reverse of the situation I find myself in.

    Yeah, I was told "I love you" two months in, she wanted to spend every moment with me and all those things. I'm busy, I need some time off. It's moving too quickly and I'm going half way around the world next month.


    So, no real advice apart from that you are probably freaking her out (I was) and it's lucky she didn't walk out (I nearly did).
     
  12. Phantom Empress

    Phantom Empress mmmmmm tasty!!!

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    I commend her for being honest with you. Too many people say "I love you too" as a knee jerk response without really thinking about it and feeling it.

    Talk it for what it is. 2 months is early. Either let her develop and realize your "feelings radar" may be off. Just because someone wants to spend more time with you and disappointed when they can't doesn't necesarily mean she's head over heels or some bullshit. She wants to spend time with you to continue to evaluate you and learn you and see if you are the one for her.
     
  13. NCS

    NCS Active Member

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    she's the one who said the 'i love you' first in the relationship, about 1 month into things

    and no, you don't need to tell me, it was one of those moments where i'm like "did i really just do that?"
     
  14. NCS

    NCS Active Member

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    to answer you, beer, and others:

    she's the one who wants to see me all the time. as busy as she may be, i'm much more of the "lets see eachother a few times a week" kind of person and i dont let my personal stuff get in the relationship.

    about the whole "i love you" stuff: she's said some really strong stuff to me before, so i wasn't totally off the wall with it.

    here is an example of the problem.

    -i go to her place to hang out
    -things are going fine
    -she goes "i need to go grocery shopping"
    -i go "ok cool, i'm gonna go home and work out / work / catch up on sleep"
    -she gets offended because i am avoiding the little time she has to spend with me
    -i suggest we each take care of our respective shit and only have quality time together even if its little
    -she freaks and says she's under too much stress to allocate that kind of time (yet it happens anyway) and gets sad that the little time we can have together, even if its doing dumb stuff, gets rejected by me
    -i freak because i don't like imposing any of my own "routine" on someone else, and i don't expect someone to do it to me. i again suggest she manages time like i do
    -she says she can't and she's not disciplined enough to do it / won't be emotionally content enough.
    -neither of us can find a solution, argument goes into talking about not compromising/not understanding eachother's position enough, etc, etc, clusterfuck

    she wants me there all the time and to share lots of daily routine with her, i hate sharing routine and only really want to spend quality time with her and don't need that level of attention. she has a heavy job and a few friends, i have a slightly less consuming job, tons of friends, and tons of hobbies

    as it is now we see eachother at the end of the evenings probably 5 times a week (9 or 10 PM to midnight, and i'll sleep there about half those tiems)
     
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2008
  15. NCS

    NCS Active Member

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    no, i explained it right. she doesn't understand how i needed to catch up on sleep then stayed up till 5 AM later. for me, this is normal. and while i started early, i'll snap in these kind of arguments. honestly, i've been in this body 28 years and she has no right questioning my judgement, and shouldn't even be with me if she doesnt take what i say at face value. and i told her that verbatim
     
  16. Dahlia

    Dahlia Active Member

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    I think you need to learn how to compromise as well. Relationships don't work without it. You are asking her to change how she does her routine, change how much she wants to see you, change her feelings for you, change this, change that. And you are doing NOTHING to help the relationship.

    Not everyone will manage time like you do. I know I probably am the same way as her time management wise, and if someone told me that I had to change the way I did things or else? Thats not cool, and it takes A LOT of work to do things differently then you are used to doing every day. Take small steps, it can't be a big overhaul all at once or else it won't work.

    And about her wanting to go grocery shopping when you were over... Were you supposed to stay over longer, and just heard grocery shopping and decide to split? Or was it really time for you to go? In any case, things can't be always how you want to do it, she wants to go grocery shopping on your time, so be it! Make her happy and go with her once, it's not like its going to hurt anything! And if you really have that big of a problem, have something planned when you hang out, instead of just coming over and dicking around until she brings up something you might not want to do.

    And to throw it out there, I'm pretty sure that you can't catch up on sleep. If you don't sleep so much one day, sleeping more on the weekend or w/e doesn't help anyways, its just wasting time.

    And on the saying I love you part, she just may be upset and rethinking things.

    I personally feel like you are being a dick to her, shes a girl and a lot of girls want their SO's to be included in their daily activities. She wants to spend time with you even if it isn't something as awesome as going adventuring or w/e. And you are unwilling to compromise. It seem like you came in here with advice on how to change her, which likely won't happen. If you aren't willing to bend, this relationship most likely won't work.
     
  17. NCS

    NCS Active Member

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    i appreciate your opinion, but i'm not trying to change her. i am also not "being a dick". trust me, i've done it before and i know what it is. there are certain things that MUST exist in my life
    sleep, work, sport, social, and quiet time. a balance of this is what makes me who i am and keeps me a happy person. she needs to understand that i can include her in as much as she wants to be included but i can't cut back on these. (of course a little is cut back on social and other hobbies take a hit, especially stuff like video games)

    do you truly, honestly, find this unreasonable?
     
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2008
  18. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Actually I find that totally reasonale, problem is you need to put your foot down or at least compromise a little here and there. Being in love with someone means wanting to spend time with them, and while 5 nights a week is actually a lot of time she deems doing things such as shopping together to be an intimate act; even if you find it mundane and insignificant.

    However, I've been with my bf two years and I would never ever want him going around with me to get groceries or run errands (then again I'm pretty independent as it is, so...). Personally if I were in your shoes I would say enough is enough. You need to have lives outsde of one another. If you are seeing each other 5 nights a week I'd say that's pretty damn good amount of time together. If she can't handle that then you two will probably not work out :dunno:
     
  19. NCS

    NCS Active Member

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    the real root of this is the model of a relationship that you discuss. "you have to compromise". whereas i'm of the opinion that i will naturally offer stuff, and get whatever i receive and never ask for sacrifices, and i'd want my partner to do the same.

    the best friendships i have are ones where its solid positive interaction 99% of the time, and zero expectations. some of my friends love this about me, others have a hard time grasping it. for example, i usually wont even pick up people/drop them off for some social event (and i wont ask it either unless its ridiculously convenient) because *if i eliminate procedure and routine, all thats left is pure natural interaction where you can enjoy the other person*

    its not selfish because i'll often go out of my way for people. i like to give, i just dont want it to be expected of me.
     
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2008
  20. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Ahh, ok, well that makes total sense. I actually am that way in ALL of my friendships. I am a great friend-I will help others out without them asking me because I love them, but I don't expect anything from anyone usually and they usually never ask me for any help as it is. I tend I have these relationships more succesfully with men. This is one reason why almost all of my female frendships die out because they constantly get upset if I can't hang out or can't help them with something. With male friends on the other hand we have a routine. We go here, there, wherever and just have a good time. We are all independent and figure our own shit out on our own.

    However, I don't feel this way at all about my intimate relationships. To me, a partnership is about compromise and working well together. You help me out and I help you out because I love you and it brings us closer. If you feel your relationship should run the same as your friendships then that's that. If you can't find a girl who feels the same (and of course you should never date someone and expect them to change for you) then you either have to skew your own opinion or move on to the next woman. It's unfortunately that cut and dry IMO :dunno:
     
  21. Dahlia

    Dahlia Active Member

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    Then I would say that you need to find someone that is more your style and is willing to bend to your needs. Or you both need to have a good talk and compromise.

    And yes, I like to do my own stuff on my own time, but not everybody is like that.:dunno:
     
  22. NCS

    NCS Active Member

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    look, we aren't so different after all :)

    i get what you mean about helping out, but sharing routine is a bit diff. thats something i'd do when i move in with someone, you know?
     
  23. NCS

    NCS Active Member

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    beer- you actually gave the same advice as my brother did. to talk to her level-headed about how a typical week will play out, come to compromises, etc. i think im going to do this when the tension is at a low, which it is now after we made up. however i'm almost certain that the moment she starts counting hours she'll freak out again. its worth a shot tho.
     
  24. Dahlia

    Dahlia Active Member

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    I def see where you were coming from, I was just trying to justify her actions and maybe make you understand her side a little better.

    Even when I lived with my ex, we still did "routine" things by ourselves, which makes it easier to live with someone in my opinion. People tend to get catty and sick of each other when they are around their SO without any other outside social interaction.

    I think one reason she is clinging on to you is she doesn't seem to have many outside friends or hobbies, which is a big thing. I think once she gets more friends or something to do, she would be better in your relationship.

    Also, I know a lot of girls tend to throw all their shit aside and just want to be with their bf when they are in a relationship. I've lost many friendships due to that.
     
  25. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    I totally agree. When I just mentioned that I'd never expect (or honestly even want) my bf to do something like grocery shopping with me I meant it because before we lived together that's just pontless thng for him to tag along for. But, now we live together and tonight we actually have to go shopping together for the first tme. It even seems silly to me for you to go along with her running errands BUT this just shows she thinks those things are significant and intimate.

    Good luck talking to her about it all again.
     

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