people that constantly re-start destructive relationships

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by the_rebirth, Apr 19, 2010.

  1. the_rebirth

    the_rebirth embrace

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    does it always come back to low self esteem, and the thought that the person (or both people) think that they can't do any better then what they have?

    my buddy is back on with this girl for like the 20th time, this time coming off a breakup that resulted in a nasty LEGAL dispute, restraining order, and him dragging his own name through the mud.

    and to make it clear, she's just as nuts.

    i mean this girl could ruin his life for good... has already done irreparable damage

    the only possible explanation i can come up with is their low self esteem.... unless i'm just missing something. it's actually really horrible to watch because i know deep down he's a really good guy... but his behavior gets dragged down a lot of the time because of her
     
  2. DTR rex

    DTR rex New Member

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    Perhaps with some, not so much with others.

    I had a relationship that had it's good days and bad days. We only operated in extremes. We were either super happy and loving or constantly arguing and talking about breakups.

    We had like 2 or 3 major (more than a month) break ups over a 7 year span (one breakup was about 2 years) and we kept getting back together. We dated for years though and loved one another.

    I am not entirely sure "why" I kept getting back with her; but it likely has nothing to do with the things you mention.
    I don't have low self esteem (though she certainly does), and it's not an issue of feeling like I can get no one better. I do pretty well around girls actually and at any given time usually have a girl somewhat interested in me.

    I think for me (the reason I kept getting back into a relationship that kept failing) was purely out of love and hope. I had my doubts, as did she, but when we were together they tended to fade away in the love and companionship. She was the type of girl I could marry. Despite her flaws of insecurity, over-emotional, and sometimes immature she had a great heart, we had great sexual chemistry, and we wanted the same things out of life. We clicked better than 99% of couples I know in fact... but there were just too many problems. I just kept clinging to hope that things would get better, I would wise up with how I treated her, and she would grow up.

    Never happened though. I can see for some it being an issue of desperation, fear of loneliness, and low self esteem.... this sounds like the case for your friend. Your friend's relationship is far more fucked up sounding than anything I've been in and to keep going back to that you have to have something wrong with you.
     
  3. the_rebirth

    the_rebirth embrace

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    speaking from a personal perspective, i stayed in a pretty bad 2.5 year relationship because i did have really low self esteem, and had the scarcity mentality that i'd never find anyone better. granted, this was also my first true love, so i was hanging on for that reason.

    i think watching people close in my life go through hard situations makes me feel some of the helpless feelings that i've come so far from... wish i could just get him through the process.
     
  4. DTR rex

    DTR rex New Member

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    Yeah, the first love things messes with you too. The girl I was talking about was my first (and only I believe) girl I REALLY loved. It's always harder to let go when that's the case.

    As for your buddy... there's nothing you can do man. You just have to let him learn the hard way; the only way. The only time I "might" consider saying something is if he plans to put a ring on her finger. I know you wanna help, but the best thing to do for him is let him learn. Though, it might not be a bad idea to bring him out to meet some girls... who knows, maybe all he needs is some attention from another girl to revitalize his confidence.
     
  5. BlazinBlazer Guy

    BlazinBlazer Guy Witness to The De-Evolution of Mankind.

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    If a relationship comes to the point of a break-up even once, it's a write-off. No second chances.

    The way I see it, if both parties aren't willing to stay together and work through whatever issues they have, there's no reason to believe that they would the next time an issue comes up if they got back together.

    If you're tempted to get back together after a break-up, just keep telling yourself "She's an ex for a reason. Remember why that is."
     
  6. Spaceering

    Spaceering I bite.

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    i always used to see things one sided. Like, there is this beautiful girl, and her b/f is some not great looking stud muffin. It was always strange to me that such a great looking girl would be with that. But it goes both ways, that girl probably has a list of issues as long or if not longer than the guy does.


    (btw, all you can do is observe and reinforce those observations-people with self-esteem issues and other issues have to figure them out themselves. No matter how much you point things out, it won't click to them-so don't get too frustrated if this is a repeating pattern with your friend)
     
  7. peoplescar

    peoplescar Guest

    they settle.

    this example you are giving sounds like a very separate case though. these people actually are crazy.
     
  8. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    its also a possibility that they simply love the highs... Some of the most tumultuous messed up relationships are the most intense passionate exciting ones.

    Don't get me wrong, that absolutely doesnt apply to all dysfunctional relationships, but often the most intense addictingly exciting relationships are the dysfunctional ones.
     
  9. THoC

    THoC New Member

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    ill speak for myself only.

    the answer is yes. when i was in my early colllege years i had low self esteem.
    met my future ex wife.
    knew i should have left her, probably 5 month into RS, didnt have the balls to do it bc i was afraid no one else would want me. that i couldnt do better.

    6 yrs wasted.


    as soon as we got divorced girls were coming at me left and right. it started to boost my self confidence and now im a very different person.
     

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