people confuse fighting with communication.

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by JohnJohnJohnson, Feb 8, 2010.

  1. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    This is something I could go on for a while about but I will keep it brief.

    Some people go on about how "fighting is important."

    "Without fighting," some say, "you let things build up and up and up inside you until you burst, or burn out, or break up."

    I say, "Bullshit." Communication is important. Fighting - in itself - sucks. If you have to fight to communicate, then, sure, fight. But if you can communicate without fighting... even better!!! :bowdown:

    If what I'm saying seems obvious to everybody here, then good for you :bigthumb: But it's clearly not obvious to some people. :dunno:

    My 5 cents.

    Cliffs: If you have to fight to communicate, then, sure, fight. But if you can communicate without fighting... even better!
     
  2. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    In a world where everything is peaches and cream, sure. I honestly can't even imagine having an intimate relationship that never had a fight. I'm not saying fighting is necessary per se, but more so that it is inevitable. I think people who say it's not healthy unless you fight are merely implying that in the case where a fight is inevitable, backing down for the sake of not fighting isn't the answer.

    I suppose it also depends on your definition of a fight though. One person's 'communication' could be another person's fight.
     
  3. SolidRanger

    SolidRanger New Member

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    I think the real goal is to sit down and TALK about things. Some times that will lead to a fight, but it's better than just stewing and making it a really huge deal.
     
  4. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    My concern is that some people - people I've known in real life - don't just believe it's important not to shy away when a fight is unavoidable; they also believe that in order to communicate one has to fight.

    Like, I will watch this one couple I know, each of whom I love dearly, instantly rev up into "fuck you" mode whenever there's something they want to communicate about - I think they genuinely don't realize it is possible to communicate without attacking each other.
     
  5. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    Communication is better than lack of communication - yes.

    My point is that some people think that lack of fighting NECESSARILY means lack of communication - and that that's incorrect.
     
  6. CorpseStreet

    CorpseStreet New Member

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    If something is bugging me I try to air it out before it becomes a fight. Fighting can be cathartic but I do try to avoid fighting with my SO, everyone else is fair game :o
     
  7. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    That's cuz you're a bitch!!!! :fawk:
     
  8. CorpseStreet

    CorpseStreet New Member

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    better a bitch than a pussy :ugh2:
     
  9. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    I'm with you on that. I could never be in a relationship where the only mode of communication was fighting. Communication is an integral part of any relationship so I strive for it to be as healthy as possible. Sometimes things can get heated and turn into a 'fight' and I think that is healthy to an extent, but that should be the exception and not the rule.

    Then again I'm single so what the fuck do I know. :rofl: If I knew how to do the shit right, I'd be married by now.
     
  10. BlazinBlazer Guy

    BlazinBlazer Guy Witness to The De-Evolution of Mankind.

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    :werd: :werd:

    That's exactly the key to a successful and long-lasting relationship right there. Being able to communicate and talk through things in as calm and rational a manner as possible.

    Sometimes things will escalate from a disagreement into a heated argument but as long as both parties are able to keep it mostly civil and work issues out, everything will be alright.
     
  11. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    cool, looks like everyone agrees here...

    [communicate&not-fight] > [communicate&fight] > [not-communicate&not-fight]

    and

    [not-fight] != [not-communicate]

    :o
     
  12. BlazinBlazer Guy

    BlazinBlazer Guy Witness to The De-Evolution of Mankind.

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    People who have never experienced a relationship in which communication != fighting absolutely will think that. Those are the people who need to find different people to be in relationships with.
     
  13. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    :rofl:

    :werd:
     
  14. MissKitty

    MissKitty If squats were easy they'd be called 'Your Mum' OT Supporter

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    What do you classify as fighting? Once that is ascertained i can give my 2 cents :)
     
  15. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    Well... attacking each other certainly qualifies as "fighting." There are probably other ways to fight that we could think of, but that's the example that comes to my mind first.

    Sharing your feelings in a respectful manner does not qualify as "fighting."

    However, as is the case with most language, it's not a black-and-white, precisely quantifiable phrase. It's more of a "You know it when you see it," thing. There are certain examples that are quite clearly 'fighting" and certain examples that are clearly not (see above). But ultimately, at some point, there will be borderline cases that are too difficult and fuzzy to categorize as either "fighting" or "not fighting." So your question can only be answered to a certain level of precision.
     
  16. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    My definition of "fighting" is when both partner's are polarized on a subject and in a serious, emotionally charged argument over said issue.

    As opposed to healthy communication, which revolves around listening and coming to a mutual agreement, 'fighting' tends to have more of an "I'm right and you're wrong" mentality.
     
  17. MissKitty

    MissKitty If squats were easy they'd be called 'Your Mum' OT Supporter

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    People who communicate by fighting are kidding themselves out of a fulfilling relationship. I get the need for passion and fire. I used to like a good screaming match myself. I get the need to push an issue even when your partner may not be in the mood to talk about it. But the fact remains that you can easily get across how you feel without putting down the other person, without resorting to name calling and without making your view as the final view. You don't need to yell, you don't need to scream, you don't need to walk off in a huff.

    We talk a lot. Lying in bed at night just before bed we talk about everything from shopping lists, to exes, to sexual positions, to friends. Nothing is off limits. There are plenty of times when something is said the other doesn't like. Usually it's me saying stupid stuff like "You never clean up after dinner" or "You always.." which upsets my husband and he usually shuts down and ignores the issue. I don't handle that very well as I don't like going to sleep fighting or him going to work with one of us pissed off. Life is too short. I hate leaving things unsaid. But I know pushing the issue won't get us any where. We have wasted whole weekends in the past with me waiting for him to apologise and him spends the whole weekend ignoring the issue because he just wants to move on and he doesn't want to get 'yelled' at. :)

    Replacing phrases like 'you don't care' with 'it makes me feel like you don't care'. Concentrating on how it makes you feel instead of what the other did or didn't do.

    You don't need to fight to communicate - unless you are cowards and refuse to have important conversations until someone cracks
     
  18. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    Hmmm... I'd like to add to my previous response. Here is how I would more precisely describe a lot of fights:

    "Escalating disrespect, back and forth, between two people."

    I think that sounds more like it.
     
  19. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    Another thing to point out is that I do believe anger can be there - anger can be present - without attacking each other or disrespecting each other. Healthy communication can still be quite emotionally involving.


    :werd:
     
  20. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    One of the best things I got out of couples therapy with my ex was something called Intentional Dialogue. We got a sheet that has it listed as the following:

    Mirror:
    Let me see if I've got that...
    Reflect back what the sender said without interpretation or analysis, then say:

    Did I get it all?
    If you missed some, mirror that back and then say:

    Is there more?

    When the sender is finished, do a summary mirror of what they have said.

    Validate:
    Once you understand what they have said, not agree, but understand how they can see it that way you say:

    What you said makes sense to me because...

    Empathize:
    And I imagine you might feel...
    State a feeling and ask...

    Is that it?...
    Then mirror back whatever they add.

    (basically a paraphrase of this: http://www.relationshipjourney.com/dialtips.html )
     
  21. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    That seems like one pretty good way to communicate.
     
  22. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    It was honestly amazing. We went through it a couple times each (one full where she was the 'sender' and I was mirroring, then one full when I was the 'sender', etc.)

    I was really impressed with how well it worked. It really helps take you out of the defensive/offensive roles and into a clear focus on hearing the other person and trying to see their side of things. Since you know you get to go next, you're not worried about saying your piece and are only focused on understanding their side. :bowdown:

    I only wished I'd had a partner who was more interested in using this style of communication outside of therapy as well. :hs:
     
  23. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    I can relate.

    The value of somebody who is up to your level of articulateness (or even better :x:) - and willing to articulate - cannot be understated... relationships with non-communicators versus communicators are night and day.
     
    Last edited: Feb 8, 2010
  24. Kev07

    Kev07 New Member

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    fighting entails a lack of wanting to understand where the other person is coming from and only thinking about how you feel and proving that you're right
     
  25. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    :werd: I think that's integral to my idea of fighting too.
     

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