SRS Pathetic, Just Pathetic...

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by PuppyCat, Jan 20, 2006.

  1. PuppyCat

    PuppyCat O.T. Mom

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    Some of you know what I have gone thru in the past year regarding my struggles, decisions, Meadow Grace, brain stuff, the apartment flood, my so-called “friends” etc. and you people were there for me then.
    I need advice again from you. (No lectures…you all have given me lectures!).
    Recent events have made me come here and seek your advice again, because, quite frankly, I think I am headed for not a very good place.
    I thought the brain surgery would solve/dissipate my depression. Sadly, it is back four-fold. You know to what lengths I go to when I am depressed.
    The guilt regarding my decision about Meadow Grace just consumes me.
    I am starting to fuck up big time with my job (my work has never suffered before and that scares me).
    I spoke with HIM the other night for 3 hours. I found out that he lied to me about a) sleeping with other women while we were going out together (and I do realize now why he lied); b) he really did love me; c) he wanted to be with me forever and was afraid to say it; d) the stuff I wrote to him after he dumped me hurt him, “soul pain”, shattered him, and the decision I made about Meadow Grace fucked his head up big time, more so than I had ever imagined. He also said he did not want to see/hear/talk/to me again. No emails, letters, nada. He played his guitar for me over the telephone; I asked him just before we rang off, if he would talk with me again, to which he replied “We’ll see how it goes.” He will not face me because he said it was “re-opening old wounds.” I have yet to make peace or have closure regarding him, our relationship and Meadow Grace.
    I haven’t been with a man since last May. Last night I did the empty nothing with a married man, who had never fooled around before. I pretended the whole time I was with him. I pretended to enjoy myself, pretended in bed with him, etc. After he left, I felt cheap, used, tawdry and severely depressed.
    Most of you are aware that I have tried God, Zen, Buddha, Silva Mind Control, Scientology, acupuncture, been on a religious retreat with Nuns, did (and still am) doing the couch route, did group, have been on various meds, really, if there was something new I could try to ease my mind, I would.
    This is what I would like to do, and want to know if you think this is a good idea:

    a) I would like to have a meeting with HIM and a relationship counselor/therapist, say what I want to say, ask what I want to ask, and get some sort of closure (maybe get an “it’s gonna be alright" from HIM);
    b) Take a break from work for awhile (even tho I have about 15 cases on my desk and the work is never-ending) for about a month;
    c) Go somewhere I have never been before and get drunk, stoned, just introspect and write poetry.
    I cannot do “b” and “c”, unless I have “a” done.

    I feel like I am trapped in a little box and the box just keeps getting smaller and smaller. Is this all pathetic or what?
     
  2. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    I think that sitting around with him at a counseller is a good idea, that way both of you can express your feelings and having a mediator regulating and adressing all the important points, my suggestion is that before the councelling starts together , you have a one on one with the counseller and tell him/her the full story, what you want and what your expectations are, so that both of you can find closesure and forgive eachother and yourself for what has happend. Don't expect a miracle however, but in my opinion it would be a step into the right direction.
     
  3. Jay Pheezy

    Jay Pheezy New Member

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    Well, I don't know the whole story as I'm new. I tried to look up the references you made in your old threads didn't really get anything. But I'm with the first reply. It's very very key though that you don't expect anything too big, because it hurts more when you have your hopes high then it doesnt work out. As Dark said, it's a step in the right direction, and I think what you'll get out of it is probably something you'll be able to appreciate.

    I understand you wanting to do B and C but don't completly go down the tubes if you can't, even though it might feel like it's inevitable. It's not pathetic by any means.. it's just circumstance that got you into it. Don't let anyone tell you how you should feel because you only know what you've been through and no one else. If all fails though.. surround yourself with people that make can make you smile, etc.. and keep yourself busy. Good luck :hug:
     
  4. ebbnflo

    ebbnflo REAL- LAOT Hermit

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    :hug: I think option A is really a good idea. I unfortunately am still too new to this board to know what all of this is about, but I get the gist from your post. So, bear in mind that I am only basing my oinion on what you have written here.
    And yes, I agree that when your expectations are initially set high, disappointment is often the result.
    Teeny baby steps.
    I hope you are okay.
     
  5. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    You are obsessed with a guy that won't speak to you. Sitting around in a therapist's office might seem like a swell idea, but its not going to happen because he wants nothing to do with you. This isn't a healthy way out, its just you clinging to your unhealhty obsession. The obesession is brought about by the chemical imbalance you have that is called depression. Until you do something about the depression, the obsession will remain. You cannot think, smoke, drink, or lounge it away.

    Medication change. I know you get tired of hearing that, but its the only thing for you.
     
  6. Jadix

    Jadix The Nice Guy

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    Doesn't sound pathetic to me at all. It sounds human.
     
  7. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    I don't have much to say besides :hug:
    You are basing your recovery on another person that seems to be unwilling to help. I know it may be hard, but you truly need to find strength within yourself and not another person.
     
  8. Toasty

    Toasty Naked people have little or no influence on societ

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    You have to find a way to let go of that guilt Puppycat. Easier said then done I know, but you know you have to find a way. HE can't do that for you...in fact, your contact with him I can only observe that it's pushing you deeper in the pit.

    You made a decision for MG without questioning at that time because you thought it was the best thing to do. You didn't do it out of malice or carelessness. So don't keep looking back and questioning yourself.

    Always look forward girl.
     
  9. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    It might also be useful to not think of... you refer to her by name, as though you murdered your child. You didn't. You chose not to let a child develop. There is a difference, but again I know you can't see that right now due to your chemical imbalance.
     
  10. PuppyCat

    PuppyCat O.T. Mom

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    A chemical imbalance might very well be the problem in terms of my skewed thinking at times.
    Guilt is guilt, no matter if one is chemically imbalanced or not.
    Did I murder my child? I do not know. That is best left to whomever decides these things. I was told my reasons were not valid, they were excuses. My jury is still out on that one. I did what I had to do at the time because of the advice I received from my Neurologoist, Brain Surgeon and Gynecologist. I went thru the tortures of damned making a decision.
    Obsessive? Maybe. Love does not die overnight, and I truly loved him. I feel we will be irrevocably linked to HIM because of the child.

    However Peyomp, I thank you for giving me a new avenue to explore.

    I will however, pursue the mediated meeting. I have found the right person, who is a psychologist/therapist and does relationship counselling.

    I have also started to look around as to where I want to escape for a while, if I ever get my desk clear off my desk.

    Today's meeting went so-so.
     
  11. ebbnflo

    ebbnflo REAL- LAOT Hermit

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    I'm getting a clearer picture of what has been going on in your life, PC.
    I sympathize and even empathize on some of it.
    :hug:
    *I have Google and Yahoo IMs just not MSN, btw, I wasn't trying to blow you off or anything.*
     
  12. johan

    johan Active Member

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    At this point, I don't believe gentle counselling will do much for you.
    You need your medication adjusted to something that will work for you.

    You need help to shake off the depression that's dogging you.

    You might also want to discuss with your psychiatrist about your being unable to shake off your guilt centred ideation and whether he thinks paxil is a good idea. Just putting that thought forward for discussion with your pshrink.

    I don't think it really makes sense to force HIM to sit down in the pshrink's office with you to hash things out. You're going to have to let that go.

    And if you can't, (or WON'T) then there's is going to be some trouble ahead. This isn't about HIM anymore. You have all the people present you need, because this is about YOU.

    You also need to take a break from your work. If you "can't" then you need to find a new job. I am serious.

    Even the president can take a break when he has a coronary. Because he has to. Not because he wants to.

    So too, you also need a break to handle your own affairs. I know you're financially ok, so this clearly isn't about the money. It's about you putting yourself in a place where you CANNOT heal properly. It's the same place where your guilt springs from.

    Discuss that with your pshrink. And leave HIM out of it. He only represents something in you. You don't need the actual HIM. You carry that gnawing sliver within you anyways.

    Let it fall away.
     
  13. PuppyCat

    PuppyCat O.T. Mom

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    Tried Paxil, it was useless. It's not a question of won't...it is a question of can't. I have tried. I really have. Discussing things with my shrink is useless...he just says "Hmm..let's try upping your medication." I think it's time for a new shrink, new medication, some freedom, and an "away" for a solid month and try waitressing at a truck stop. I want to have some fun. I have to do something, existing like this is just horrid. I want to be in the headspace I was in before all this past rotten year happened. Wednesday is my moving day (I am moving next door for a month while the reconstruction construction is performed in my current apartment), I'll talk with my Boss on Monday <insert "gulp" here>, and see what kind of plan I can or compromise I can come up with.

    It's time.
     

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