Some of you know what I have gone thru in the past year regarding my struggles, decisions, Meadow Grace, brain stuff, the apartment flood, my so-called “friends” etc. and you people were there for me then. I need advice again from you. (No lectures…you all have given me lectures!). Recent events have made me come here and seek your advice again, because, quite frankly, I think I am headed for not a very good place. I thought the brain surgery would solve/dissipate my depression. Sadly, it is back four-fold. You know to what lengths I go to when I am depressed. The guilt regarding my decision about Meadow Grace just consumes me. I am starting to fuck up big time with my job (my work has never suffered before and that scares me). I spoke with HIM the other night for 3 hours. I found out that he lied to me about a) sleeping with other women while we were going out together (and I do realize now why he lied); b) he really did love me; c) he wanted to be with me forever and was afraid to say it; d) the stuff I wrote to him after he dumped me hurt him, “soul pain”, shattered him, and the decision I made about Meadow Grace fucked his head up big time, more so than I had ever imagined. He also said he did not want to see/hear/talk/to me again. No emails, letters, nada. He played his guitar for me over the telephone; I asked him just before we rang off, if he would talk with me again, to which he replied “We’ll see how it goes.” He will not face me because he said it was “re-opening old wounds.” I have yet to make peace or have closure regarding him, our relationship and Meadow Grace. I haven’t been with a man since last May. Last night I did the empty nothing with a married man, who had never fooled around before. I pretended the whole time I was with him. I pretended to enjoy myself, pretended in bed with him, etc. After he left, I felt cheap, used, tawdry and severely depressed. Most of you are aware that I have tried God, Zen, Buddha, Silva Mind Control, Scientology, acupuncture, been on a religious retreat with Nuns, did (and still am) doing the couch route, did group, have been on various meds, really, if there was something new I could try to ease my mind, I would. This is what I would like to do, and want to know if you think this is a good idea: a) I would like to have a meeting with HIM and a relationship counselor/therapist, say what I want to say, ask what I want to ask, and get some sort of closure (maybe get an “it’s gonna be alright" from HIM); b) Take a break from work for awhile (even tho I have about 15 cases on my desk and the work is never-ending) for about a month; c) Go somewhere I have never been before and get drunk, stoned, just introspect and write poetry. I cannot do “b” and “c”, unless I have “a” done. I feel like I am trapped in a little box and the box just keeps getting smaller and smaller. Is this all pathetic or what?