SRS Parent's using my friend's death against me

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Casino, Jan 7, 2009.

  1. Casino

    Casino OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Aug 24, 2004
    Messages:
    15,567
    Likes Received:
    29
    For the past couple years my parents were aware of my interest in joining the Army and were completely against it, doing everything possible to get me to change my mind. Now I'm in ROTC about to sign the contract and they are getting worse. They said if I die they will have to forget out me or they will die emotionally, etc.

    On Jan 1, one of my friends (who is 19) died in a car accident and it has been hard on everyone. I knew this girl since 2nd grade (I'm a sophomore in college now) so it is very hard on me. At the viewing my parents saw my friend's parents fall apart emotionally, just completely break down. Everyone else (including my parents) are talking about how hard it is on the family and how they will never get over it.

    The funeral was earlier today and already my parents used my friends death against me. They kept saying they don't want to be in the same situation as my friend's parents if I get killed in combat. They are telling me I saw how the parents responded, how could I risk putting my parents through that, etc. They think because I still want to join the Army after seeing what my parents might have to go through that I'm an asshole and a bad kid.

    I understand that they would be devestated if I died and I want them to be happy because I love them, but this is my life and this is what I do. I already told them over and over this is what I want to do and I will hate myself forever if I don't do it. Anyone have any advice on how to talk to them? I'm signing the contract no matter what, I just want to comfort my parents as much as I can.
     
  2. CorpseStreet

    CorpseStreet New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 10, 2008
    Messages:
    9,447
    Likes Received:
    0
    It would suck if you died but you can't live your life for them and how they dictate. They have to face that in life you will make decisions they don't agree with and sometimes put yourself in harms way but that is your choice to make.
     
  3. Casino

    Casino OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Aug 24, 2004
    Messages:
    15,567
    Likes Received:
    29
    I've explained that to them, but their response is I still need to take into consideration everyone that will be affected by it, including my parents, brothers and sister, and the rest of my family. They know that it's my life and I make my own decisions, but it doesn't help at all.
     
  4. CorpseStreet

    CorpseStreet New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 10, 2008
    Messages:
    9,447
    Likes Received:
    0
    They probably will never be fine with it but once you sign the contract there will be nothing they can do and they will have to get over it.
     
  5. Casino

    Casino OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Aug 24, 2004
    Messages:
    15,567
    Likes Received:
    29
    They think I don't care about them or how they feel. Is there anyway I can make them know I do love and care about them? I told them I love them and care about them and hate to see them in pain, but then they said if you really cared you wouldn't join the Army. So there is no way to win.
     
  6. Scootin

    Scootin OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Sep 4, 2004
    Messages:
    111,907
    Likes Received:
    296
    Location:
    St Louis
    Did you ever stop to think that maybe your parents aren't being manipulative but in fact truly love you and would never want you put in harm's way? :hs:

    It would kill them to lose you. The decision is yours to make but they're not bad parents for wanting to keep you safe - that's their job.
     
  7. Casino

    Casino OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Aug 24, 2004
    Messages:
    15,567
    Likes Received:
    29
    I never said they were being manipulative, I said in the original post that I love them and understand their concerns and all that. But there is no way they will ever support my decision and are using everything possible to make me change my mind, which I understand because this is a big decision, one that could lead to my death. I just thought it was inappropriate for them to use my friend's death on the day of her funeral.
     
  8. Spaceering

    Spaceering I bite.

    Joined:
    Dec 26, 2008
    Messages:
    755
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Texas
    ah crap, i misread that.


    nvm anything i said.
     
    Last edited: Jan 7, 2009
  9. Julius

    Julius Guest

    I really don't know where they're going with that. I'm not trying to be offensive, but the tragedy that befell your friend could have been you. Should you quit driving because of that possibility? There's a million ways to die, none of them are guaranteed, and none of us will live forever. All we can do is cherish and enjoy the journey until we get there.

    But, of course, the military is a institution where injury and death are prevalent. You're going to catch flak from the folks about joining. It was bad for me too when I enlisted in the army. Nobody wants to see their kid get fucked up over shoddy politics and war mongering dickheads on a higher echelon. They put 20 (I'm assuming) years of their life into helping you become what you are today.

    Look, it's your life and it's pretty apparent that you want to become an officer. There are ways to alleviate their anxiety. I don't know how experienced your parents are on military life, but you need to stick with them and keep them informed about everything that happens. When you commission, tell them about your position as a platoon leader. Tell them about your platoon sergeant, the post you're assigned to, your soldiers, the housing you end up in, and everything else that might bring some insight into your lifestyle. Let them know that you're a leader and not some random shitbird. Keep them in your life, even if they try to push you from theirs.

    Look over that contract 1,000 times and make sure that it's something that you want to do.
     
  10. lick wid nit wit

    lick wid nit wit Official OT Oracle

    Joined:
    Aug 8, 2001
    Messages:
    7,432
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    LJDrama.org
    I understand that your parents are terrified of losing you but at the same time you'd think they'd be 100% supportive of your life choices. You're joining the military, not pimping out crack whores or robbing banks.

    they need to learn to let go and support you in whatever you choose to do with your life.

    Shit, there was a time my parents were pushing my brother to joint the military because he was such an aimless bum.
     
  11. Inexlol

    Inexlol New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 27, 2008
    Messages:
    28
    Likes Received:
    0
    i think that is the most selfish shit ive ever heard.
    if you want to join the army thats your choice, its your life.
    for someone to not allow you to put yourself a risk(especially for a reasonable cause) because they dont want to deal with the consequences of losing you that is b.s.

    especially since it is the army and you would be "protecting" them, they should respect and honor that.

    even if you dont support the war we are fighting atm you have
    to respect the people who are willing to die to protect you.. i say do it if its what you want, regardless of what your parents think
     
  12. 7960

    7960 New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2004
    Messages:
    60,415
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New England
    using your friend's death *IS* being manipulative.





    they're doing it because they love you and they're scared. if sitting them down for the "I'm an adult now" talk doesn't do it then you're going to have to figure out how to ignore that part of them.
     
  13. CorpseStreet

    CorpseStreet New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 10, 2008
    Messages:
    9,447
    Likes Received:
    0
    I think that if they were going to become okay with this they would be okay by now. They will just need time to get over it in their own way, continue to be their son and love them.
     
  14. Dreams2Reality

    Dreams2Reality saywhat

    Joined:
    Sep 26, 2007
    Messages:
    5,712
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Providence, RI
    Coming from someone with 10 people in my family enlisted, listen to this man.
     
  15. Casino

    Casino OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Aug 24, 2004
    Messages:
    15,567
    Likes Received:
    29
    That's the best thing I can do now I guess. Thanks everyone so far for all the advice, it's all helpful. The "I'm an adult now..." talk doesn't work. Nothing I say now can help them feel better. They don't care about the differences between enlisted and an officer, they think it's all the same. The only thing that might help them now is time, but I know it's going to get worse for them before it gets better. I know the day I contract will be the worst day my mom has had since her dad died. She pretty much considers the military a death or permanent disability sentence. I'll do my best to comfort and love them and hopefully eventually they will come around.
     
  16. Drifter87

    Drifter87 Yippi-kay-ay, Motherfucker

    Joined:
    Jan 5, 2005
    Messages:
    7,173
    Likes Received:
    0
    Your parents are being selfish, its you life and you should be able to do anything you want with it. Serving your country should be a honor, not something that is frowned on.

    What do you parents want? For you to work 9-5 in a cubical and live a boring life or to see the world and help others.
     
  17. Casino

    Casino OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Aug 24, 2004
    Messages:
    15,567
    Likes Received:
    29
    They want me to go to law school. Going into college I signed up to be a criminal justice major and that pissed them off just like the whole Army thing. WHenever someone thinks of a CJ major they think of being a cop and that freaks them out. My parents just worry a lot.
     
  18. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2005
    Messages:
    97,795
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Calgary, AB
    I think they're doing what they feel they need to do, and aren't particularly being vicious. I can see their viewpoint, and don't think they're doing anything wrong.

    That said, I can also see yours, and think you're doing the right thing as well. You need to live your life for yourself, and what you believe in.

    I'm sure you've already done it, but say it again. Tell them you need to live your life for yourself, to do what you believe in doing, and that this is what you need to do. I think they will be able to accept that, and at the very least, they will respect you for it, no matter how much they disagree and are afraid.

    Don't hold it against them either. They're afraid of losing someone they love dearly. I'm sure that, as time goes on, they will accept your decision, and things won't be as strained.
     
  19. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2005
    Messages:
    97,795
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Calgary, AB
    They're desperate to keep you out, and aren't above guilt tripping and outright emotional manipulation to achieve that goal. I'm sure they know you love them
     
  20. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2005
    Messages:
    97,795
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Calgary, AB
    it's slightly off topic for this thread, so I won't argue it too much

    most people think the job of a parent is to keep the kid safe, but it's not.

    The job of a parent is to prepare them to be able to be an adult and live life on their own. Keeping them safe is only a means to this.
     
  21. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2005
    Messages:
    97,795
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Calgary, AB
    maybe it would help to point out that you'd be a reservist, which means you wouldn't see much action?
     
  22. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2007
    Messages:
    11,400
    Likes Received:
    0
    You have two choices. However, do you necessarily have to train to go into combat if you join the military? Is going to war and being an active pawn on a chess board of the world map something you want your life to be?

    I don't say that to insult you, I ask, because it is the truth. Is that what you want?
     
  23. Stilgar1973

    Stilgar1973 New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2006
    Messages:
    8,533
    Likes Received:
    0
    there are like a zillion different career paths in the military. Being a grunt is just one.
    Most of the career paths don't have you in harms way.

    When going the military path the key decision is the career path. Do well with that choice and you have made an incredibly good decision.

    As far as your parents go.... they are beyond hope.

    The only way you will change there minds is by following this route you have chosen and proving to them it was a good idea.
     
  24. GregFarz78

    GregFarz78 New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 28, 2002
    Messages:
    64,128
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Philly, PA
    Your parents know you can die from millions of different causes right? Shit man there is a risk of getting killed every time you get in a car. Ask them if they want you to live in the bubble the rest of your life.
     
  25. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2007
    Messages:
    11,400
    Likes Received:
    0
    Exactly. So OP, what exactly do you want to do in the military? Can you appease your parents by documenting the actual direction you want to take which is non-combative (if that's the way you want?)

    If you want combat, you may lose your family. Be careful.
     

Share This Page