SRS Parent situation v. messy seperation/dad lives with mistress....

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by jared_IRL, Jun 7, 2007.

  1. jared_IRL

    jared_IRL OT Supporter

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    Ok... So a while back, my dad was discovered to be cheating on my mom, and had made plans to buy a house with the mistress, leave his family, etc....


    He did just that. Packed his bags, walked out one day, bought a house with the mistress, and started a new life.

    They still haven't finalized the divorce, and it's getting messier and messier every day.

    My mother and my two younger brothers have never really recovered from this.

    I have moved on to the point that I have been seeing my dad on holidays again, but ONLY him, and only in public.

    Lately, he's been forcing the issue of me meeting the mistress, and accepting her into my life.

    I'm not down with that. Especially considering the effect it's had on my family, HOW he made his decisions, and especially considering that I haven't even fully forgiven him yet.

    I wrote this email in reply to his latest, almost forceful attempt at getting me to meet her. In his letter he accused me of not taking the situation seriously, and equated me not wanting to meet his mistress to him purposly not inviting any of our signifigant others.

    I want your opinion on the email before I send it.

    Thanks in advance. Sorry it's so long.

     
  2. Amanda Ann

    Amanda Ann New Member

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    If you want to send it, send it. No one can force you to "accept" her or the situation, but for the sake of everything involved, there's no need for anymore drama to be stirred into the mix (not that it sounds like you're bringing any). My brother did the same exact thing when my mother left my father for the man she had an affair with, although much of his actions were accounted to my dead feeding him negative lies about my mother and my (now) step father. 8 years later, my brother, mom, and step dad get along great, and have done so for years. It was a matter of letting my brother coming around on his own time. My mother would call him, but she would never force coming over on him. It was kinda sad to see the way he acted, and how upset she was, but thankfully things worked out in the end.

    Just keep in the back of your mind that, no matter what he did, he's still your father. It may be hard to forgive what he's done and how he's acted, but he did raise you. Do it on your own time, but do eventually accept what's happened, as well as his new life. If he's happy with his mistress, then just be happy that he's happy. No one said you and her have to be friends, but when you're ready to accept it, just be civil.
     
  3. johan

    johan Active Member

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    you dont have to see her

    eventually, you should.

    and start by stop calling her or thinking of her as 'his mistress'

    your dad is a human being, flawed yes, but he clearly loves this person in his life, and it obviously was not a casual fling, even though the consequences of following through were pretty devastating to the family



    But having said that, you and your family are all grown. So should he continue to live out a sham marriage? Why? For your benefit?
    Your mom could not have been happy anyways, living in an empty shell of a relationship.

    I'm not defending HOW he did it, only that as you get older, you might find forgiveness in your heart and realize the world isn't so clear, that it's very very grey.

    And that love and happiness are precious and TRUE LOVE and HAPPINESS, is worth extreme sacrifice, and sometimes requires it.

    Realize your dad did this not to hurt everyone but to follow his heart.

    My fondest wish is that one day you will meet a person you feel this passionately about. It may not be the woman you initially married.

    Maybe then you'll understand what your dad did..

    And hopefully it won't take that long before you stop by your dad's house and shake hands with the love of his life.



    Life is short. Grudges and resentments poison our time here.
    Try to let go sooner rather than later.

    Good luck to you.
     
  4. jared_IRL

    jared_IRL OT Supporter

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    Johan,

    Don't get me wrong. I understand what he did, and I understand why he did it.

    The marriage my parents were in was a farce for a LONG time.

    But anyone with any dignity would end the marriage and move on with their lives. Not pretend that everything is ok, all the while shopping for homes with their 'true love', then coming home and pretending to be interested in what his kids and current wife are up too.

    I'm not upset with _what_ he did, I'm upset with _how_ he did it.

    It's also relevant at this point that he was the minister of our Baptist church, teaching us from a very young age that the two most important things in life were honesty and family.

    If a marriage doesn't work out, fine. Not a huge deal. You're right. Chances are, both parties would be happier outside of the relationship.

    It's the double life, lies and deceit that I haven't yet been able to forgive.

    And while I am trying to let him in on my life, I'm not sure that I can accept his 'alternate' life into my life yet.

    Fair?
     
  5. GregFarz78

    GregFarz78 New Member

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    Maybe you don't know the entire situation between your mother and father? Of course you're going to hear one side from your mother and another from your father, trust me theres probably tons of underlying shit you have no clue about. Divorces also can take years to finalize. I'm not sticking up for your dad or anything but as my parents were divorced when I was very young my best advice is don't get in the middle of things.
     
  6. Roswell

    Roswell OT Supporter

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    I like this part of your email. Just send it, it will hopefully help clear out the situation for your dad.
     

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