SRS Pain, writing, step application

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by eligh, Oct 19, 2004.

  1. eligh

    eligh Go To A Meeting

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    So, it's been a while since I've done any writing, and a while since I've posted something new on R2R, and a while since I've done any step work. I think my resolve was, that I haven't experienced much pain, and life has been pretty mellow, there aren't any huge speed bumps like there used to be. Well, I've experienced a little pain now, so it's time to hop to it. This doesn't mean I shouldn't have been actively posting, writing, working steps before I experienced the pain ...

    So here's my specific problem:

    During active addiction, I would go on giant drug binges, and sleep off the after effects for a few days at a time. Since I've been recovering, I still have the ability to sleep in and continue to sleep in. I slept 32 hours from Saturday night until Monday at 3pm, recently. I missed class, missed working out, and missed eating much except I woke up for 2 hours to eat in the middle of the sleep. So I did some writing, and decided it was a first step issue.

    So here's my proposed solution:

    How much pain I choose to feel before I decide to do something about it, is entirely up to me. Well I really don't like pain, and I'm not about to feel the kind of pain I felt from this problem before, I 'm going to do something about it right now. During one of my bottoms experienced by sleeping the day away, I realied something, I no longer have to use anymore. I felt pretty bad, like my life was unmangeable even though I'm clean, and like there was something genetically wrong with me that made me sleep, but I sure as hell didn't have to use over it. This may sound lame to your average normie, but to a dope fiend like me, it's a miracle. Staying clean sustains energy inside of me that fluctuates over time, but never dies as long as I am clean. In my recent troubled times, I have known that using would only make things worse, and that my clean spark would die. This was a hard concept to grasp for a long time, but now I feel like I've got it. I just can't let myself sit around in self-pity and self-loathing for too long, or my self-confidence takes a huge blow.

    The only thing I can do about my problem now it so accept the fact that I am powerless over sleeping in, and accept the fact that I am not allowed to enjoy the luxury of occasionally sleeping in like your average person. I can control taking naps, and if I absolutely must, I I will take a nap in order to catch up on lost sleep.

    This may seem a bit silly, and the post is long, but it is how I am working to apply the steps to my life, this shit has made me feel pretty bad in the past, so I'm hoping this first step resolve fixes the problem faster than previous attempts. If anyone cares too, please post how they've applied the First Step, or any other step to different areas of their lives ....
     
  2. metoots13

    metoots13 New Member

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    yay! I have done that too, and actually felt good after the 36 hours of sleep, but everyone thought I was nuts. I liked what you said about choosing how much pain to be in before finding a solution, it is a choice, even though I get in denial over it. I'm learning how to let go a little, my life has been unmanageable the last few weeks, worrying over other people and situations and trying to fix everything for everyone. Now I make a list of what I can and can't do for others, and work on me and let god take care of stuff that isn't my business.
     

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