SRS Overcoming jealousy

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Anon., Jun 10, 2008.

  1. Anon.

    Anon. New Member

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    I've been in a stable relationship for nearly 7 months now, very happy on the whole, but although I trust my partner, my imagination just wont shut up sometimes and I often find myself imagining her flirting with other guys/looking for a way to get out of our relationship. I've been cheated on in the past and I doubt that's helped, but I really have no reason to doubt my girlfriend, this jealousy is just distracting me/making me unhappy more than anything else, I don't think it poses a real threat to the relationship. Does anybody know a good way of dealing with this?
     
  2. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    This is what i always use: Innocent until proven guilty. Just like the law says.

    If you don't use that you'll become a victim of the paranoid. Its ok to be a little suspicious but not to the point where it consumes you.

    What i do is this. The more time goes by that the partner doesn't cheat, the more reward they get in the form of trust. Lets say in the first year you give it 25% trust, after 3 year 75%, and after 4 or 5 years 99%, but never 100% because you always need to leave the door of suspicion a little bit open just in case.

    Be consequent in your trust, and use a reward system in giving it. That way you can lower your paranoid levels at a steady rate.
     
  3. Anon.

    Anon. New Member

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    I'll try that, but I think it's rationalising an irrational process... I trust her, but I can't stop my imagination running off into random scenarios.
     
  4. Vysion

    Vysion New Member

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    You have to remember that jealousy will often lead to the outcome you are trying to avoid happen. If you never trust your new SO, they will pick up on it and cheat on you because your jealousy is expecting them to.

    Trust her until that trust is broken and then deal with the outcome. Just like DarkEternal said... innocent until proven guilty.
     
  5. eXyle

    eXyle ׂ

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    i've always viewed jealousy as an extension of self-doubt and lack of confidence. it's almost as if the person feels they're not good enough for their SO and once they finds someone better, they'll leave.

    so, based on that thought, just boost your self confidence. accept that she's with you for a reason, that you are good enough, heck, that you're the best she can ever do and you won't feel jealous. once you believe that she has no reason to leave you and that you're everything she could ever want, no one is a threat to you, so you have no reason to feel jealous.

    granted, it's easier said than done, but it's worth a try.
     
  6. Stilgar1973

    Stilgar1973 New Member

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    You and me, it is obvious we think in two different ways. I am not sure I have the imagination to understand where you are coming from.
    That doesn't mean I think you are wrong, off balance or evil.
    On the contrary. I think maybe we are wired differently.

    For me when it comes to jealousy in a relationship I look at it as trust and trust is a dealbreaker.

    In my mind it works like this. I can either trust my SO or I cannot. There is no in between.
    If I cannot trust her then the relationship is not worth having.
    In that sense I have very little reason to be jealous. It is a black and white thing.

    But.. and this is important... in order not to be an asshole I MUST uphold the same ideals I am asking from her.
    From my perspective it means that if I have a SO and I meet someone and I am so attracted or infatuated with her that I am tempted to destroy the trust that my SO has with me this means that I must rethink my relationship.

    If I can't trust my SO around other men, if my SO cannot trust me around other women then I am not interested in a relationship with that person.

    Dig?
    In that respect jealousy is never an issue with me.

    Like I said before, I often see people that are jealous in there relationship and I can't help think that they must be different from me.
     
  7. Vysion

    Vysion New Member

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    Quality post :bigthumb:
     
  8. Anon.

    Anon. New Member

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    Thanks all.

    Stilgar - you're right... we're probably wired differently... If I couldn't trust my SO, then it'd never work, but it really is stuck in the imagination... I'll just have to remind myself of innocent until proven guilty..
     
  9. dm

    dm New Member

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    My ex was extremely jealous and very possessive. I never understood it.

    She was 13 years younger than I and absolutely gorgeous. Could have been a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader. At first I kind of liked it and it was a turn on. But it got out of control. Anyone who saw us together would think I would be the jealous one of the two.

    I tired to talk to her about this, but she would always become angry. Man I loved her to death, she was so beautiful and sexy....smart girl and very funny which I found a huge turn on. Sex was incredible.

    I've been jealous and over protective of one past girlfriend...... but with her I never was. Never wanted to be. I wanted to be with her and I didn't understand why she was jealous because I never wanted to be with anyone but her. I never lied to her, cheated on her or even looked in another direction. Eventually I ended our relationship. I hear from her from time to time. She's upset still but still doesn't know waht she wants.

    Someone posted jealousy is a mark of self confidence and self doubt. With this girl I have to agree with that analysis. Is a shame cuz I love her to death and if she called me tonight I would marry her tomorrow.
     
  10. Stilgar1973

    Stilgar1973 New Member

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    For some people jealousy is a turn on.

    Like I said, we are all wired a bit differently.
     
  11. Anon.

    Anon. New Member

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    Yeah my girlfriend finds it a 'turn on' in moderation... but it's more of a problem for me (though I know it annoys her sometimes).
     

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