SRS out of ideas (anonymous post)

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Darketernal, Mar 31, 2010.

  1. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    I know people don’t want to read a long ass post, I know I always look for the cliffs. But I’m looking for any kind of help I could get. I feel like I’m running out of ideas and I might do something drastic.

    I kept thinking that my depression was manageable. Thoughts of suicide have been circling inside my head since I can remember, but I kept telling myself that I’ll get better. It’s now at a point where that’s all I think about. I’ve only told a small amount of people that I’m depressed, but nobody knows that I keep thinking about death.

    The only family member I have is my mom. I’m an only child and my dad moved to my home country when I was in grade school (my family moved here when I was 8). I feel that the only reason that I haven’t killed myself is that I don’t want to cause my mom the pain. I don’t want to talk to my mom because I live a long distance away and I don’t want her to dwell on my feelings… if that makes sense.

    I have a really hard time keeping friends, and the few friends that I do have, I’m not close enough to to be open about this sort of thing. I seem to make a good first impression with people, but all my friendships end up falling apart rather quickly. I seem to offend everyone one way or another, even when I’m not trying to. All my simple jokes are taken as insults, and when I’m conscious of what I say, I end up being too quiet since I don’t want to offend anyone.

    My first girlfriend was during my freshman year. It lasted about 2 months. She broke up with me for of my close friends. This girl wasn’t even anything special to me, but I was so upset over that, it took me almost a year to be able to think about her without getting upset. I think it was due to the fact that I had a hard time building relationships, and losing two at a time was pretty detrimental. Then there was this one girl. She was the one I couldn’t take my eyes off of whenever we crossed each other in the halls. I wanted her so much, and I haven’t even talked to her yet. One day I grew some balls, but we only became friends. Over time, our relationship grew and I asked her out. We went out for almost a year, when again, my girlfriend broke up with me just to go out with one of my friends.

    That’s when I think my depression took a turn for the worst. I had a few flings here and there, but in the end, she is the only person I reminisce about. We broke up almost three years ago, and I’m still in love with her. I became overly sensitive about any kind of rejection since she left me, from ANYBODY, especially girls.

    I’m taking St. John’s Wort to help with my mood. My whole day going great until somebody cracks a little joke about my looks (which I’m sensitive about) or someone thinking I’m an asshole and my whole mood plummets down the drain. What also kills me is that whenever I ask someone to do something or grab a bite to eat, they could have a perfectly legit excuse, but I can’t help but feel like it’s just a reason not to do anything with me. I know I’m beating myself up and over analyzing everything that happens, but as much as I tell myself that, I can’t help but feel like it’s all my fault.

    My work provides free counseling, but I’m afraid that if I talk to them about my thoughts, they will revoke my clearance and not let me do the kind of work I want to do (pretty much just stick me to a desk or some low lever tasks), or I won’t be able to own firearms.

    I think my life is pretty successful so far. I feel like I’m pretty smart. I graduated at the top of my class in high school and I’m about to graduate at the top of my class in trade school.

    I’m moving to south Florida at the end of next month (that’s where my job relocated me). I’m afraid that if I don’t have anyone to actually think about me or want to be with me, I might swallow a bullet out of one of my guns. Seems like no matter what I do, I’m always the “miscellaneous” friend that nobody really cares about.

    note: I went out and had a few drinks cause it got to the point where I couldn't think anymore. I did some editing, hopefully it all makes sense
     
  2. johan

    johan Active Member

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    You should not self medicate with St. Johns wort. If you're concerned about repercussions by taking the work-sponsored counselling, then go seek out a qualified therapist on your own.

    You seem to know all the steps, but have done nothing substantive. Swallowing some self prescribed SJW equals roughly ZERO.

    Talk to your family doctor about getting a referral to a good psychiatrist.
    If you don't have a family doctor, go to a walk in clinic.
    If there's no walk in nearby, present at an emerg dept.

    Help is not that far away. But first, you have to do something about it.
     
  3. moonlight

    moonlight New Member

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    well the first thing you need to do is talk to someone. call one of those suicide hotlines and see what they say.
     
  4. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Only reason why I don't want to do that is because it will go on my medical record. I don't want to have to put "yes" on a question that states if I was ever diagnosed with a mental illness/disorder (out of fear that it will limit what I can and can't do in life and at work).
     
  5. tibbar

    tibbar aww fennec foxah aww

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    Better to have that box checked than a checked box for "dead."

    I struggled with depression for about 6 years, thinking it would just go away quickly. I think I'm finally coming out of it but I shouldn't have suffered for so long. See someone, this is why there are confidentiality records.
     

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