Our views on dating .....

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by MissKitty, Aug 23, 2009.

  1. MissKitty

    MissKitty If squats were easy they'd be called 'Your Mum' OT Supporter

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    I was talking about someone I know who is looking really hard for love. The hubby pipes up and says she needs to stop going into every relationship thinking it will be the one. This is where I go :eek4: and point out that I don't see the point in dating for sport and think there is no point being in a relationship with someone unless the goal is to marriage. Obviously the first few months are getting to know each other and you can't gauge from the start (in most cases) that it will be forever, but after a while you would get an idea if the person is someone you can see yourself with. Hubby says that life is all too serious and you can hardly expect that ever relationship you have in your 20s will turn into marriage.

    I have had two serious relationships in my life. One produced a child the other produced two children and a marriage.
    He has had three serious relationships in his life. One was for several years. The other was for several years. One produced two children and a marriage.
    We met when I was 19 and he was 22.

    I explained to him that I entered out relationship thinking 'This could be the one' and he laughed and said "Good god, I didn't" :wtc:

    Our relationship hasn't been easy. I brought a child into it and we both had baggage. I told him that if it was all just a bit of fun I wouldn't have fought so hard to make us work. I wouldn't have tried to hard to work issues out and what not because if it was al just for fun, it would have been all too difficult and not worth the effort.
    The same applied to him. If he was only in it for shits and giggles why would he have put up with so much of my shit and tried so hard to work through out issues together? All of this happened within the first few years (or which I knew I wanted to spend my life with him but would have said no if he asked to mary me). It wasn't until a few years in when we both matured and the issues were all worked through that we got to smooth sailing and has been pretty much perfect ever since.

    Anyway, after 8 years together it was a very strange conversation to have and a very strange thing to find out about your husband :rofl:

    Personally I think he is a hypocrite :mamoru:
     
  2. Nullius

    Nullius New Member

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    He's not a hypocrite, you're both being truthful and you're both right. You're right because women do often go into a relationship with the possibility that it will turn into marriage. This determination normally happens sooner than 6 months in.

    Men on the other hand start dating for the same reason that they'll stick around for. It may be sex, but not always (most likely though). His determination as to whether or not to wife it happens very slowly, say 2 years or so after he's able to actually see your personality and not just a pair of tits and an axe wound.

    Men also fight so hard to stay in relationships they might not be that in to (read marriage mindset) just because they want things to end on their terms, or because we're just fucking stubborn.
     
  3. Nullius

    Nullius New Member

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    Oh, or you just have a really nice pair of juggs
     
  4. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    Could you see how holding a belief like that might taint your views on relationships, might lead you to act in a certain way while you are dating, and might lead you to miss several opportunities that *may* have either enriched your life or perhaps even lead you to someone who is perfect for you and could have been something but because of how you believed at the onset, you gave up too early before the relationship could develop?

    There's nothing wrong with the way you belief, but just know that holding that belief will steer you in a different direction than holding a different belief.

    I think that those who take dating so seriously are really missing out on some very enriching life experiences that might prepare them for the act of marriage better. Perhaps if you had held a different belief back then, you wouldn't have had to work so hard in your current relationship? Perhaps some of the mistakes you made in this relationship may have been avoided if you had made them with someone you had casually dated. See what I mean?
     
  5. JBunni

    JBunni New Member

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    I'm the same, I believe dating is 'serious'. I dont believe in dating casually. For me, dating is to see if you are compatible with each other to be married. If it doesnt work out, and the problems are too great, then okay. But I dont understand dating someone you have no intention of marrying or staying with.
     
  6. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Man, I'm glad you guys have worked out, but shit if that doesn't sound like a horrible life (just dating to marry).
     
  7. THoC

    THoC New Member

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    it really depends on my mind set. after i come out of a serious relationship i date for fun. if it becomes more great. if not, that's fine. those relationships last about 2 months for me. i get bored which leads to me breaking it off or me not showing enough interest and them breaking it off.

    once i get those types of relationships out the way i tend to go into serious relationship mode. at which point i become pickier on who i want a relationship with.
     
  8. fluentinsilence

    fluentinsilence New Member

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    That's just scary.
     
  9. Kinks

    Kinks Sup. OT Supporter

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    People date for different reasons, but if she's going in with her guns blazing thinking "Marriage RAWWWRRRR!!" then guys will be scared off by it.

    Takes all kinds in life, and if she does meet someone who's equally determined then they probably will get married. However, simply fulfilling that aim does not guarantee happiness. I think she would do well to just relax and go with the flow a bit, and treat each dating experience as a learning one. If you stop yourself from falling into things head over heels you can get some perspective on the situation as it unfolds and this is what Viper is saying - you will gain life experience from dating and relationships simply by going in with an open mind not "this is the one I must make it happen".

    I think anyone who goes in with that attitude is treating dating like a sport. You want to WIN with marriage being the goal. People who date for sex aren't playing sport they're just trying to fuck everyone :)
     
  10. Kev07

    Kev07 New Member

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    :rofl: at guys dating at the goal of marriage
     
  11. giz

    giz Active Member

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    I wouldn't ever date somebody for longer than a couple weeks if I didn't feel like it was going somewhere

    why waste my time? why potentially lead her on? I have plenty of options, I'm not going to settle and spend my time with somebody I'm not 100% into
     
  12. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    Date #1

    Girl: I'll be frank. I want to see if you're my future husband.

    Guy: :iough:

    I date a girl because I want to spend time with her, one on one, in a sexual/romantic setting.

    Because (1) she is hot, (2) she is sexy, (3) she Connects.

    Love, romance, sexual chemistry are things you experience on a day by day basis.

    You sound batshit insane.

    Anyways, I'm glad things have worked out for you.
     
    Last edited: Aug 23, 2009
  13. Deborah

    Deborah Seeing is believing, but I don't want to know.

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    No she is not! I don't share the same mindset as hers, but at the same time I can understand where she comes from. Marriage is a symbol of having love, security blah blah for a very long time, to not have to say goodbye, be heart broken or look for someone else. Yes, in reality they all still happen in marriage, but the reason people marry in the first place is securing their love and relationship I suppose. What is wrong with wanting that and not wanting to waste your time? NOTHING!
     
  14. MissKitty

    MissKitty If squats were easy they'd be called 'Your Mum' OT Supporter

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    I clearly said I don't do that. It's not until a few months in that I reassess and ask myself if this is going anywhere. :mamoru: I don't consider myself batshit insane at all and I have the report to prove it :rofl:

    It was just a strange conversation to have 8 years into our relationship. I thought we had covered that already and to not means I really disappointed myself :noes:
     
  15. sportsjunkie

    sportsjunkie OT Supporter

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    this
     
  16. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    You can casually date people without leading them on if you are upfront about your intentions at all times. ;)

    I don't see me ever approaching dating with the end goal (marriage) in mind again. I have a strong focus now on how each person in my life enriches my life while they are there (and I, in turn, hopefully enrich their life). To me that's the meaning of dating and it's the experiences that are most important. Not some controlling need to "capture" them and keep them in my life forever.
     
  17. MissKitty

    MissKitty If squats were easy they'd be called 'Your Mum' OT Supporter

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    Wow. What a way to twist someone's words to make them sound all evil and bad.
    Going into a relationship with the view of looking for a life long mate isn't controlling or needing to capture them :ugh:
     
  18. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    "Lifelong matehood" should be a reaction to something, not a goal. I dot even think "goal" makes sense in this context: it either is there or not.

    Sanity notwithstanding! :mamoru:
     
  19. MissKitty

    MissKitty If squats were easy they'd be called 'Your Mum' OT Supporter

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    By your own words entering a relationship is okay and perfectly normal.
    If that relationship is for fun, companionship, or love - why should it matter?
    If that relationship is long term or short term - why should it matter?
    If you are understanding of our need for relationships as a species, then you would understand that every relationship we have, has a goal. Some are for fun, some are for growth, some are for forever
     
  20. Kev07

    Kev07 New Member

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    your husband simply suggested for your friend to "stop going into every relationship thinking its the one" he probably also thinks its perfectly normal to not want to waste time dating after a few weeks if its not going towards marriage too, but you're suggesting that you should treat every relationship as a means to an end (marriage) which can make you sound, as jjj said, batshit insane :mamoru:

    i once talked to one of my friends and she said that marriage was every girl's dream and goal :ugh: and that she had a goal to be married by her early 20s.

    its cool if you want to get married and all, but i dont think it should be a goal :mamoru: especially when you're single.
     
  21. Kev07

    Kev07 New Member

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    this.

    people making marriage a goal is probably one of the top reasons why there is so much divorce

    #2 would probably be people marrying too young and not knowing what they want
     
  22. MissKitty

    MissKitty If squats were easy they'd be called 'Your Mum' OT Supporter

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    My husband and I were together for 6 years before we got married. For the first 2 or 3 years if he had asked me to marry him I would have said no.
    You can find a mate to spend the rest of your life with and have the point of the relationship to end in having a life long mate without being a crazed "I must get married" psychopath.

    I simply don't understand the point in dating for the fun of it. I tried a FWB scenario once and it was a horribly messy experience (of which no doubt I learned something). But going into a relationship with the view that this person will be the one is hardly something I would call odd or wrong. Having a goal to marry the person, doesn't mean you have a time frame or your life planned out.
     
  23. giz

    giz Active Member

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    if I'm casually dating, what exactly are my intentions?
     
  24. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    To experience another person for the sheer joy of the experience itself without worrying about where it's going to lead.

    But you know what I meant, though, right?

    If I'm in a casual dating phase of my life and I say "Hey, I'm not looking for anything serious and just want to date people casually for a while" to the person you are with, then they are aware of what your intentions are and can make a decision based on that.
     
  25. Bob Brown

    Bob Brown bewshit, bewshit, bewshit

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    I date just because I want to spend more time one on one with the person because something about them keeps pulling me back towards her.

    I also agree that there are those that see dating as a way to find marriage and the end game of happily ever after, but also agree with Giz on the fact that I won't be longer with a person after a couple weeks if I see us not going anywhere (I've done this countless times, and have actually questioned myself on it before).

    We're all different in our approaches in life, I don't believe there is one proper mindset to go into dating in reference to its purpose or result.

    Sometimes I go out dating because I have the urge to find that person to settle with, but mostly I go out just because I want to spend more time with that person.......should it lead to something more and eventually marriage down the road, yipppeee, if not........life goes on.
     

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