SRS OTters with EDs- get your disordered booties in here

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Lucky Penny, Apr 28, 2008.

  1. Lucky Penny

    Lucky Penny Mr. cut me some slack cause I don't wanna go back,

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    *Notice: I don't want this to be triggering to anyone in anyway, but I can't promise it won't be. Just be careful guys*

    So how are you guys doing lately?

    I know a few of you were seeking treatment/recovery- how's that going? I'm having a shitty time trying to keep my ED in check lately. In fact, its really getting bad these past few weeks. Maybe its summer coming up. I dunno.

    But, against my better judgment, I did go buy a new scale last week. :doh: Obviously I knew what was going to happen, yet somehow I convinced myself I'd be fine with one in the apt. Not one of my better decisions- but at the same time, I know i won't get rid of it any time soon.

    So, question for you all- I was thinking about it all when I was in the shower the other day (I do a lot of thinking in the shower) and we've all heard people talk about how Eds are about control, not food. blah blah blah. But I don't think that's necessarily true. I control my entire life and sometimes wish I didn't have to. I feel like mine is about punishment more than anything else. I don't feel like I deserve the food.

    So, my question to you- what's behind your ED? Why do you do it?
     
  2. kristaliah

    kristaliah New Member

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    My ED is just a bunch of insecurities lashing out at me.

    I don't know how to explain it.. I'm sick of the line of it being about control, but in many ways that IS true. Whenever I feel like things are going a little crazy, and I stress out, I revert back to ED behaviors. For me, I also use my ED as punishment. If I get in a fight with the SO or a close friend, I feel like I DON'T deserve food or anything that would make me happy. Even if I do bad at something or if I'm having money problems, that 'thing' whatever it may be is MY fault so I don't deserve the food. But then at the same time, I occasionally punish myself through binges which makes me hate myself even more. I love the feeling of being hungry and hate feeling full.. So maybe I'm punishing myself by forcing myself to feel full? I have no idea.

    And as much as I hate to say it, my ED is sometimes about body image and is actually about food itself. I am no longer a good judge of what I actually look like. I can spend hours in the mirror and never be satisfied with my weight but I have no idea what my ideal body type is either. I don't want to be a skeleton, but at 98 lbs I think I'm a fat whale. I'm almost 22 and I have to wear kids shorts/jeans but I still think that my body is disgustingly huge. I have no idea what brings on these feelings and I wish that they would stop. If i could see myself the way that others see me, I think that things would get easier but no matter how hard I try, I still don't see the small girl that people claim I am.

    I've forgotten what it feels like to be hungry. If my stomach growls it is a sign of accomplishment. For a while I wasn't eating to the point that I would zone out for hours because my body was shutting down. It scared the crap out of my boyfriend, so I put myself basically on a food schedule. Hopefully I'll start to feel hungry again, but I hate the weight gain that I've already experienced from eating regularly. I was in a car accident so I can't work out at all and that's just adding to my anxiety, which leads me to want to restrict, but I can't because I don't want to scare him.. So really, it's all just a terrible cycle right now.

    For the most part I'm handling things ok.. I get triggered every now and then, but I try to talk things out/stay distracted to keep myself grounded. The part that sucks the most is that I feel happier when I restrict, but I know that my boyfriend hates it and he's the one really good thing in my life right now, so in a way I am trying to silence my eating disorder to keep him. He's already said/threatened that he won't watch me kill myself. He's there to be a shoulder to cry on but won't force me to do anything. He understands that forcing me to eat wont fix me, but he wants to work on my relationship with food instead of ignoring it like so many others have done in the past. So really, I can't lose this guy.

    And sorry to turn your thread into a vent/rant :hsd:
     
    Last edited: Apr 28, 2008
  3. Lucky Penny

    Lucky Penny Mr. cut me some slack cause I don't wanna go back,

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    Vent and rant all you please! There are a good handful of us here that deal with this, yet none of us talk about it. It's kinda sucky.

    BTW- I could have written your entire post myself. The boyfriend, the punishment, the accomplishment from restricting, the inability to judge what you really look like- all of it. I'm there too.

    Who else out there? Chat with us...
     
  4. Lucky Penny

    Lucky Penny Mr. cut me some slack cause I don't wanna go back,

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    No worries! No dumb questions here :wavey:

    If you think you should go talk to someone, than definitely go. This is no fun. But, months of weight fluctuations and emotions controlling your diet- sounds to me like you may already be there. So what do you think is behind your undefined eating habits?
     
  5. kristaliah

    kristaliah New Member

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    PM if you ever need to talk.

    Idk, I hate therapists with a passion. Group therapy DESTROYED me because the leader let everyone else trash me for 20 min. Therapy is a waste of time and money in my opinion, I'd rather just vent to a friend or write it out. I know my thoughts are irrational, I don't need anyone telling me that.
     
  6. liralita

    liralita New Member

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    I developed bulimia at the age of eleven, and anorexia at the age of fourteen. Both combined into a horrible monster until...last year, approximately. I moved out of my house and in with some friends who've helped immensely with everything. I think I consider myself in recovery, after a fashion.

    What catapulted everything for me was being put on Zoloft, which had me drop 25 pounds within a few months, hitting under 100. It just got worse from there, really, but I don't want to get into too many specifics. I'm just going to say that I was far enough gone that I had lanugo and my heart was periodically skipping beats.

    I'm about to start talking to a therapist about it for the first time (i've been in therapy before and it really works for me, but i'd always hid the fact that i had an eating disorder), and I can't tell if I'm scared or excited. Probably both.

    So my question to you guys is, did you frequent pro-ana communities or websites? Either the kind that were support groups or the ones that had all those tips and tricks and things like that? What do you think the effect it had on you was?
     
  7. Lucky Penny

    Lucky Penny Mr. cut me some slack cause I don't wanna go back,

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    I didn't at first, no. There were a group of about 5 of us in 7th grade that all had eating disorders- so that was our little destructive community. That lasted until 10th grade when most of the girls got better, except me and another good friend of mine. She went into recovery our junior year of HS and to be honest, I felt pretty betrayed.

    From the last two years of high school through my first year of college, I didn't know anyone else with an ED so I definitely turned to those pro-ana sites. I loved them. I was obsessed with them. I went to them originally because I just wanted someone to talk to who understood what I was dealing with and won't urge me to seek treatment. But obviously there is usually more enabling than support in those kinds of places, so it just sucked me in more.

    My sophomore year of college I learned that a few friends of mine had either relapsed or developed an ED. Since I had close friends that were doing the same thing I was, I only used the websites if I needed a little boost every once in a while. We were less destructive in our "support" of each other but we still encouraged each other's EDs.

    I had maintained a fairly stable recovery for the better part of 3 years, but have been really flirting with relapse in the past year. I have one very good friend who is anorexic and trying her damnedest to recover, so I make sure never to talk about my ED around her. For years we would workout together every day- so when she started working toward recovery, we decided to stopped talking for a while. We knew would couldn't be around each other without making it harder on ourselves. Now, we live in different states, and are very close again, but I don't want my ED to hurt her recovery. She's already come so far. It would kill me if my actions caused her relapse.

    The past few months I've really been in a punishing mood and have been on the pro-ana sites often. But really- I don't think it would matter if those sites were around or not. I've known all the "tricks"- I don't need any help there. I'd just run to CVS and pick up Cosmo and continue on. When you're really trying for recovery though, the support groups that really are supportive are really great.
     
  8. Lucky Penny

    Lucky Penny Mr. cut me some slack cause I don't wanna go back,

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    Where are the guys BTW? :hs: I know there are a few of you guys lurking around here...

    I know a few of you have been seeking recovery- hope you're doing so great!!
     
  9. kristaliah

    kristaliah New Member

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    Depends on how you define pro-ana. Was a member of House of Sins with the holocaust pictures as thinspiration? Sure, but did I frequent them..? Not so much. I did use those sites to make my food boxes. You know, the boxes that you would stash your holiday candy in. The outside was covered with thin, anorexic skeletons and models, and the inside - where the food was - had a lovely collage of fatties. Basically to give me the message that if I ate that shit, I would get fat. And then right on the bottom, a razor blade because I sucked at purging. Yep, if I ate it, I had to cut as punishment. It was really a terrible cycle because then cutting wasn't a good enough punishment.

    The sites that helped were sites like ana.luli (now closed) and then lunchbox (now boring). Those sites taught me good and bad. I become more comfortable with myself, but also taught bad habits. For instance, how to chew/spit - one time I ordered a WHOLE pizza and spat the fucker out. My dad was proud because I ate it in my room and since they knew I wasn't purging they thought I actually ate it, little did they know I just chewed it up and spat it out and then threw the bag of food out my window. That was a weird phase.. and I quickly stopped that because I was afraid I was swallowing all the fat, and just spitting out the 'food.'

    So then I went back to the real pro-ana (non support) sites to learn how to purge better. And since that was too noisy and I hated the burn, I just turned to over-exercising and destroyed my ankles for a bit. I would stay up all night running and then all day sleeping. If I only I could have that motivation now. :mamoru:

    I guess to answer your question, I think those sites kind of turned my depression etc even more against me. A lot of girls go through the "I want to be thin" phase and blot their pizza and basically "pretend" to be anorexic. With me, I took those fads and learned how to make them a reality through the websites, I gained a sort of acceptance and felt justified. I'm not saying that the thinspiration days fueled my ED but I might have been more geared towards recovery at an early age if I hadn't found acceptance/encouragement in my behaviors.

    I still frequent the support boards and it's hard at times. I'm trying to stay focused on being healthy, but all the thin girls are idolized there so it makes recovery aimed people seem like the disgusting fatties all over again. I do think the recovery sites are good, but girls are just really competitive so sometimes it still feels like a race to be the thinnest and most "sick."
     
  10. KindlyCuddly

    KindlyCuddly Irina Lazareanu

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    I frequented the pro-ana boards all throughout high school and yeah, it was basically chubby Midwestern girls promising to swear off their ice-cream habit next week and drooling over holocaust victims/runway models. GREAT for tips though...

    I suffered through an ED in high school that got really severe my junior year, when I began restricting myself to < 400 calories and doing way too much cardio. I went from being about average to freakishly thin but no one noticed until about 12th grade when I bought slimmer fitting clothes that showed how thin I had gotten...I still suffer, but it's definitely in remission now. I can make light of it and watching what I eat doesn't consume the majority of my thoughts but I feel like it will come right back, stronger than ever at any moment. You never get rid of it. I still count calories.
     
  11. kristaliah

    kristaliah New Member

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    Which is an unsettling yet oddly comforting thought. :hs:
     
  12. JordanClarkson

    JordanClarkson OT Supporter

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    What about the cons of ruining your teeth & gums, bad breath, gastrointestinal disorders, esophageal cancer, muscle atrophy, etc.
     
  13. liralita

    liralita New Member

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    Yeah. It's like your old best friend, only...the kind of best friend who stole your boyfriend and your favourite shirts and told you that you were a failure.
     
  14. kristaliah

    kristaliah New Member

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    :rofl: :rofl: Exactly!!!

    And like you want to talk to her, but you know you shouldn't.
     
  15. KindlyCuddly

    KindlyCuddly Irina Lazareanu

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    and you want to prove to everyone that you're better friends with your bestie than they are with their besties. in a weird, tragic way.

    not sure if that makes sense to anyone but me. :hsd: spend too much time in those pro-ana communities and your sense of reality become distorted.
     
  16. liralita

    liralita New Member

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    yeah, it does. i stay away from them now because i really am trying. i've come a long way as far as being comfortable with my body goes. i mean...i nearly killed myself for it, i had to come a long way. my goal was to be in the hospital by the end of my freshman year in college, but instead i chose life. i think it's a decision everyone has to make.
     
  17. Lucky Penny

    Lucky Penny Mr. cut me some slack cause I don't wanna go back,

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    The sad thing is that it doesn't matter to you when you're in the middle of it. You're not in a rational state of mind when you have an eating disorder- you can't use logic to work your way out of it.

    Plus, you never think those types of things are really going to happen to you- until they do. And you always think you can control it, you don't realize that it'll eat you alive sooner than later. :hs:
     
  18. Lucky Penny

    Lucky Penny Mr. cut me some slack cause I don't wanna go back,

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    Don't waste your time babe. :hs: No ED is better or worse, more glamorous or less disgusting than the other. They're all destructive and they all suck.

    BTW- to anyone reading this, thinking they want an ED. BELIEVE ME. YOU DON'T. You want to lose weight, fine. But do it the right way, don't get yourself sucked into this life. Like KindlyCuddly said- you NEVER get rid of this. You might think you want that- but it gets old, and quick. But once you're in, you're fucked. So save yourself the pain and heartache. Just don't start.
     
  19. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    Thanks for defining it. I thought ED was "erectile dysfunction" but then the rest of the first post didn't make any sense :rofl:
     
  20. Lucky Penny

    Lucky Penny Mr. cut me some slack cause I don't wanna go back,

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    :rofl: Didn't even think of that! Sorry doll :o More details next time, I promise.
     
  21. bigballofyarn

    bigballofyarn OT Supporter

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    I'm 23, 5'2" and about 96 pounds. I always think I'm huge (mostly around my stomach.) I mean my size 0 jeans are friggin loose on me and that doesn't convince me that I'm skinny.

    It's not about control for me. I just think I'm fat. I always have and probably always will. I experimented with MIA during college. It was enjoyable, and throwing up seemed to be an amazing stress reliever.

    When I do eat "normally" I consume a lot more than most people, including fast foods, and never made it over 100 pounds.

    It's not even like I HAVE to purge or starve to stay at a low weight, it's just that I want to be a lot lower than I am now. I would probably love being 80 pounds...would love walking around knowing that I'm the thinnest person everywhere I go. To me, being skinny is the most victorious thing in the entire world.

    I wish thoughts of food and weight didn't consume my mind, but I also wish I could simply find satisfaction with myself and my appearance.
     
  22. Lucky Penny

    Lucky Penny Mr. cut me some slack cause I don't wanna go back,

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    That's so universal too. :hs: In this thread, we have it all -anorexia, bulimia, binge eating and ed nos (that's eating disorders not otherwise specified for those who don't know - got ya covered this time Falconer ;) ), yet we all want the same thing.

    I don't even know how my eating disorder started- I feel like I've always had it :dunno: I remember sitting in the library at my elementary school in 2nd grade talking to my little friends and we were talking about how we needed to go on diets because we all thought we were fat. I don't even know why- we were all petite little girls. I remember sitting in science class not too long after that and our teacher telling us how fat is bad and it'll clog your arteries blah blah blah. I don't know- it just kind of stuck. :dunno: I've been manipulating my diet since I was 8. I was very tall when I was 10- I felt like I had to be thin so I didn't look like a monster. I started restricting in 5th grade, purging at 7th grade and I've been doing both ever since. I was in recovery for the past few years, but that is no longer the case. It kinda kills me to think that I'll be dealing with this for the rest of my life- yet at the same time, (like Kristaliah said) its oddly comforting because I can't imagine my life without it.
     
  23. kristaliah

    kristaliah New Member

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    :rofl:

    I'm rereading this thread on devouring chinese food. I'm worthless. :hsd:
     
  24. deuceforty

    deuceforty between rupture and rapture

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    35 inch vertical jump > you

    your worth a lot to me :love:
     
  25. Lucky Penny

    Lucky Penny Mr. cut me some slack cause I don't wanna go back,

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    :h5: In a fit of weakness and stupidity, I decided I should make and eat lemon poppy seed muffins for lunch today. :rl: I'll be paying for this one for the next week. Worthlessness all around! :rofl:
     

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