SRS OT my fiance lied to my face for 1.5 years. thinkin about calling it off.

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by LEFTY02, Feb 16, 2007.

  1. LEFTY02

    LEFTY02 New Member

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    first off weve been living together for about 2 years. she smoked when i met her thru friends. i always stayed clear of anyway smoking because i have cystic fibrosis and she wouldnt smoke around me. well about a couple of months after we started dating i asked her to quit smoking. by then she had seen all the bullshit i go thru just to be able to breath and she agreed. well id catch her up every now and then for the first month or so, no big deal. but after 4 months she started hiding it and we got in a big argument about it and i told her i didnt want to be with someone who smoked. so she agreed to quit for good. altho all she did was get better at hiding it. so now and then i would find a receipt for malboros or she would smell like smoke or she would have left a lighter in her car. everytime she had a good excuse.... she always hangs out with my brothers fiance who smokes. i hesitated to beilive her because i love her.
    then she got better at hiding it, always spraying her car/herself with perfume and having an endless supply of gum.
    we have had many disputes over stuff like this.

    well last august i asked her to marry me because i lover her and want to spend the rest of my life with her, by this time i think she has quit smoking for about a year.

    last saturday she was going thru her pockets and throwing stuff away, well she pulled out a lighter that was pretty much on the full side. and i questioned her about it. her answer was that it was from a long time ago.
    once again i hesitate to beilive herr but hey i do anyway.

    this morning i go out to start her car for her, this thing is a huge piece of shit and wont start in the cold without the help of a battery charger and i have to crank the thing for like tem minutes. but anway i see a brand new lighter on her seat when i get in, that makes me suspicious. so while im out there i take a look around and her purse is under the passenger seat. hmmm even more suspicious. i take a peek. what do you know a pack of cigarettes. i get the car started and she leaves for work.

    i text her and ask if shes missing anything.
    answer: no
    i then tell her i dont want to be with someone who is going to bluntly lie to my face.
    she says shes puzzeled. i then send a pic of the cigarettes.
    she played dumb and wanted to know where they came from.
    i told her to grow up and that she know where they came from
    she played dumb for about 15 more text messages
    and then finally admitted it
    i tell her how disgusted i was when i found them and lots of drama ensued.

    well now im at the point that she hid this from me for so long and lied to my face about it several times that i dont think i can trust her. and if she can do this with smoking she can do it with anything. (and i told her this)

    i also told her i dont want to be with someone who lies to my face and that i cant trust.

    she is now waiting for a response.

    yes it was wrong for me to look thru her stuff (its not something i like doing nor do i make a routine of it) but if you were in the same situation and thought someone was lying to you, you would have done the same thing.
    dont accuse me of trying to change her, she agreed to quit i tried to help her do so.
     
  2. Emfuser

    Emfuser Nuclear Moderator Super Moderator

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    Main forum --> Asylum
     
  3. LEFTY02

    LEFTY02 New Member

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    thank you
     
  4. joonboy

    joonboy thanks jennipher

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  5. LEFTY02

    LEFTY02 New Member

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    i also forgot to mention that she only smoked for a month before we met.

    the smoking is not the issue, its that she lied to my face for so long about it.
    and she knows this.
     
  6. Repost

    Repost PENCIL DICK

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    Man I feel for you, like you said, if she can hide this, she can hide anything.

    Dump her sorry ass.
     
  7. Montoya

    Montoya OT Supporter

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    wow i ended up in the asylum, hold me :hs:
     
  8. Montoya

    Montoya OT Supporter

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    seems a little strange that her purse and cigs were in the car and she didnt know. how is a woman not going to notice her purse missing? you sure she didnt plant it to try and break things off? :(
     
  9. littlewing

    littlewing fly on

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    That's some pretty poor decision making on her part. I never got why people feel the need to agree to do something willingly and then go against their word. At least if you say no you're being honest.
     
  10. LEFTY02

    LEFTY02 New Member

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    yea im sure. she didnt bring it in the house because she thought i might see it.
     
  11. Repost

    Repost PENCIL DICK

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    Perhaps she did, but I don't think so. I think she really does like you, but not love, otherwise she WOULD have quit.
     
  12. littlewing

    littlewing fly on

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    I can't say if this is the case, but my g/f has 11ty purses with stuff in them and she'll just throw her wallet in whatever one she feels like using on a given day. It's possible she just forgot they were in that purse or intentionally left the purse in the car and forgot she left it there the next day.
     
  13. Antigeek

    Antigeek Who Dat!

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    If you're seriously considering breaking up with her over her smoking, and for no other reason, you're being ridiculous.

    When she's ready to quit, she will.

    I played the same stupid games with my wife. I'd sneak out to go smoke while "running an errand", or only smoke at work, or anything else you mentioned she does. My wife (fiance' at the time) constantly threatened to break up with me over it.

    Finally, I decided to quit about 6 years ago.

    I think part of it was my hardheadedness to defy her trying to tell me what to do or how to live. And part of it was simply how fucking hard it is to quit smoking.

    My wife will tell you now that she is glad she didn't make the mistake of leaving me over something that in retrospect, is so trivial. If you love your gf enough to marry her, this really is a minor issue that can be resolved through other means besides threatening to end the relationship.

    You're going to feel like a real horse's ass if you do break up with her and end up single for a long time.
     
  14. LEFTY02

    LEFTY02 New Member

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    nah she only uses one purse. she must have forgot i would be in her car in the morning
     
  15. littlewing

    littlewing fly on

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    The point is she said she was going to do something and then lied about doing it for an extended period of time. If she's willing to lie about something so small what else will she lie about when the stakes are higher? It says a lot about her character.
     
  16. LEFTY02

    LEFTY02 New Member

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    yep, shes is a good liar. she does it a lot but i didnt think she was lying to me.
     
  17. LEFTY02

    LEFTY02 New Member

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    she sent me this:

    "please talk to me. in know i hurt you and im sorry thats the last thing i would ever wanna do. i dont know how to make this up to you but im gunna try real hard. i love you more than anything and i am so sorry. i hope you can forgive me."
     
  18. Antigeek

    Antigeek Who Dat!

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    I did the EXACT SAME THING.

    You don't quit smoking like you quit eating M&M's. It's a physical addiction that will kick your ass unless you're 100% committed to quitting.

    Instead of being so negative about it, the TS should try being supportive and encouraging to his gf and helping her quit.

    I know that when my wife told me she'd leave me if I didn't quit, it became a game to me. Without trying to be an egotistical prick, I'm a pretty good catch, especially in comparison to most of the people we associated with, and certainly in comparison to her friends' boyfriends. And she knew it.

    She finally gave in with the threats and took the approach of "when you're ready to quit, I'm here for support". I quit within a year, while we were on vacation to St. Petersburg.
     
  19. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    Eh?
    The stakes already are high. CF isn't a joke. It's a fucking nightmare. Second-hand smoke to you or me might be an annoyance. To him, it might mean a difference of years on his lifespan, depending on how much exposure he has to the toxins and the effect they have on his lungs.

    It's her personal choice to smoke. I think it's irresponsible that she chooses to smoke, especially knowing that he has CF. I think it's downright stupid that she'd lie about the smoking, and yes, lying about it would be a red flag to me were I in the OP's shoes. Really, she's already made her choice... it's up to the OP to realize it and act accordingly.
     
  20. Guardfather

    Guardfather The Paradox

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    Uh dude... If she lied to you that long about that shit, you can't trust her worth a fuck. Do not marry that woman.
     
  21. LEFTY02

    LEFTY02 New Member

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    to the guy who said im damaged goods and should be glad anyone is willing to marry me. from the last thread.

    i have thought about that plenty of times before. im still a human being with human emotions and i dont deserve to be lied to like that.
     
  22. Antigeek

    Antigeek Who Dat!

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    I wouldn't get involved with a CF patient, but that's just me.

    If your girl loves you and accepts your illness and knows what she's getting herself into by marrying you, you need to figure out how to fix this smoking thing instead of ending the relationship.
     
  23. littlewing

    littlewing fly on

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    Life is difficult. You still have to deal with issues like an adult. He says he tried helping her. If she was having such a hard time she should have come to him and let him know that she's struggling or that she's not ready. Something being hard or difficult isn't justification for lying about it.
     
  24. LEFTY02

    LEFTY02 New Member

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    i dont blame you, lots of BS you would have to go thru.

    she does on both accounts, but i dont think she realizes the seriousness of it because right now i can do just about anything anyone else can. i hope we can fix this because i do love her.
     
  25. Antigeek

    Antigeek Who Dat!

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    Believe me, I know how difficult life is.

    If it was that big of a deal to him, he would have dumped her at the 4 month point when she still hadn't quit.
     

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