SRS OT, I need some support and guidance

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Furner, Jun 21, 2006.

  1. Furner

    Furner New Member

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    So, I live with a girl, who has been my best friend for several years (i am a male). She is 19, I am 22. We rent an apt together because it is decent neighborhood close to college.
    My roommate has dated a good guy for about 14 months, and he lived with us for about the past 11 months. Lately, he has been kind of a jerk, and on Friday she asked him to leave for a while. Today, he made some comments to her about how he "was going to get her back, just you wait and see", so we packed alll his stuff and he is pretty much done here and she is done with him.
    I love this girl in a friendship way, and I support her in what decisions she makes as long as she is happy.
    Since she kicked her ex-bf out, she has been messing around with this guy we know from across the street. This situation is causing me to not be able to sleep at night, hence I am up at 4:30 am right now.
    Supposedly he is funny to her and he helps her take her mind off of her ex. What is looks like though is that she is sleeping with this guy, who is 32.
    It tears me up to see this girl mess around with this guy as a way to escape her emotions about her breakup, and I just dont know what to do. Tonite they both came drunk over here and made a real ruckus for a while, doing who knows what, but its not hard to guess.
    I think that although nothing serious willl come of this, I worry about her because this type of activity is not typical of her, and I know she is just going to get hurt. Additionally, this guy has been around the block in his days, and I worry that messing around with someone like this is very risky. I and she both know that he has had at least one one-night stand with another woman on our street.
    I am worried sick about this, but I just dont know how to confront my friend about this without coming off as jealous or trying to be her father. I have gone back to drinking and smoking, two things I hate myself for doing, I just cant cope with this, and the only other person I really can talk to about this just arrived home from Italy, and she is sleeping off 26 hours of travel.
    I just need to vent this, and I hope that you can take this seriously, I am pretty much new to the Asylum, but I hope that you can share your thoughts.
    If you can help me, I value your advice and kind words. Although I do not see this girl as someone that I wish that I was dating, I care the world about this girl, there is nothing that I wouldnt do for her. Its just hurts me when she rejects her true friends and trys to numb her emotions with what she is doing.

    Thank you in advance for your support.
    edited to add: the ex is a spineless coward, he wouldnt ever actually try to get anyone back, so that is of little concern to me or her.
     
  2. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    The bottom-line is, everyone has free will and can choose to do whatever they want, i say don't stop her, if she falls hard on her face into the realisation how stupid she is acting then she'll learn a valuable life lesson. It shows in here and in the way write about her that you are a great friend that cares for his friends, but personally i think you should distantiate yourself from her and her personal affairs, if this stuff keeps you awake at night, i seriously wonder if you aren't in love with her yourself. Not that such would be uncommon, but really watch out not to put your nose in other people's personal affairs.
     
  3. Furner

    Furner New Member

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    I might talk to her today about it, I will see if her attitude has changed at all, and it very well might because she moved her ex-bfs stuff out about 16 hours ago. He got his stuff at 730 last night, so alot of this is still very fresh in her mind.

    Sex is such a funny critter, sometimes when you get it and you get it good, you think that its the only thing that matters and it alone can make you happy. I think that is the bottom line of all of this.


    Edit: I didnt see the need to make a new post, but I like this place. People here actually have real life problems and need guidance, it feels real here.
     
    Last edited: Jun 21, 2006
  4. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    My god man... She is not your girlfriend, not your sister, etc. If she wants to have a fling with the guy next door she can do that. Why are you stressing over this if she is "just a friend"? I know you are her friend but I find it a bit unusual that you are so stressed about it that you are smoking and drinking... Are you sure there isn't some attraction towards your friend here?

    If not, mind your own business. She can date who she wants. If you want to talk to her and tell her to be careful, do that, but relax and let her make her own decisions about her own life.
     
  5. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    I'm kinda with Diggity on this. The OP sounds more like a parent then a friend. It also sounds to me like he likes her more then he's saying....hence the intensity of his feelings.

    It's natural to be concerned about friends but when I'm concerned about a friends behavior, I address them about it....usually over dinner or something. However in the US, once you're 18 you can do what you will....and sometimes it carries very serious consequences.

    My suggestion to the OP is before you have a talk with your roommate check your motives. Do you really have feelings for her and are frustrated that you can't express them??? If so, rethink approaching her on the subject of who she's seeing and just figure out how to tell her that you have feelings for her.
     
  6. Arclight

    Arclight Hypercube

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    :run:

    You sound like a christian who tries to convince everyone else around them to follow their way of life.

    I fail to see the problem here. What she chooses to do with her life is none of his business and the most he can do is raise his concerns with her.

    Threadstarter: Tell her how you feel and that you're worried that the guy might not have the best intentions. That's all you can do.
     
  7. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    Who said he should not care about her well being? Caring about her well being and then losing sleep, drinking, and smoking up a storm due to stressing about her well being is a bit much. We aren't talking about her getting high on cocain here, she's dating a guy and seems to be having fun. What is "shitty" about that? Talk about overexaggerating with the Jerry Springer thing...

    If he is worried, he can sit her down and talk to her about it, but ultimately the choice is hers and as a mature person he should accept that and stop stressing like her life in in danger. She's just dating some dude.
     
  8. Cthalupa

    Cthalupa New Member

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    I'm with Diggity on this. She's having a fling to take her mind off of things. Who cares if the guy is experienced? Just because you've had sex with different people doesn't mean you're suddenly carrying STDs and are going to ruin the lives of people you sleep with.

    She sounds like she's having fun. She needs that. You said yourself it's nothing serious, so don't worry too much about it.
     
  9. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    I don't see anything that would lead us to think that is the case at all. What I find more curious is his extreme reaction, and then his denial that he has any romantic interest in her. Here is what he said about the neighbor:

    Sounds to me like the neighbor is treating her just fine. Instead of being happy for her the OP says that it looks like she is sleeping with the guy and then follows it up with how much it tears him up inside to see her mess around with this guy as a means to escape her emotions over the break-up. His whole reaction is fishy. I see nothing here to make me think that the 32 year old is fishy other than the fact that he is older.
     
  10. johan

    johan Active Member

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    This is a classic textbook situation of role dynamics.


    My take on the described situation is that the girl is behaving entirely normally. And the new 32-yr guy is described as a decent fellow. So onto the real issue:

    The original poster seems unsettled, due to the change in the normal stable family dynamic that had developed over the last 11 months. (live-in duration)

    As he clearly sees the ex-bf as a spineless worm, I have no doubt that he assumed something of an authority/parental role among the three. Not necessarily meaning a father figure, but in every group, leaders emerge and followers follow.

    With the timely exodus of the wormy dude, and the girl gone off to seek other relationships (which sound entirely normal and common) the previously stable social setting and roles (especially HIS!) are disrupted.

    And so he becomes disturbed without knowing exactly why.

    He even lists and then discounts the various factors: it's not the wormy ex-bf dude, it's not the 32-yr new guy, it's not the girl... etc etc

    This is why.



    Things will settle down again soon enough. Right about the time the girl either moves out completely, or enters a stable phase in her relationship.
     
  11. gsxec

    gsxec New Member

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    Okay lets start this off thruthfully, you not having any atttraction to your roomate is complete bullshit, you either see her personality as what you would want in a wife etc, or you jack off every night thinking about your rommie and it pissess you off to all hell that she is banging another guy. Next Step, shes baging a 32 yr old - sry that motherfucker is too old , and he needs to start dating women his own age, or better yet start looking for a wife and quit being the immature 22 yr old bachleor he USED to be and grow up. Yes I see your concern, as you see this bastard banging away at your romate you know he has no long term intentions what so ever, he probably forgets about her after hes done and only begins to think about her agian when he starts to become horny again. So what you need to do is man up and talk to her, tell her that this guy is not really good for her and be firm, show her that your a man and that you will protect her becuase you really do care for her from deep within your heart.
     

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