SRS OT. I have to make a decision and I have absolutely no idea how to deal with it.

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by DC, Jan 31, 2009.

  1. DC

    DC OT Supporter

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    Basically the jist of it: My grandmother on my father's side died early this morning, as I posted early this morning, and my father has been living with her for the past six years or so, after he moved her in with him when she started to get older. He basically stopped working and has been paying bills with her retirement since.

    Now that she is dead, he cannot afford to live in the place that he's currently in. He's perfectly capable of joining the workforce, he's a brilliant man. As of right now he has pretty much nothing in savings, 1-2 months of bills/etc.

    His current, non live in girlfriend was talking to us both today and she thinks I should move out of the place I just signed a new lease for (took over the lease for a friend) and move in with him until he gets his shit together, then I'll move out. Otherwise she doesn't see how he'll afford that place.

    I have no problem helping my father, but why the shit should I have to give up everything I've worked for. If he can't afford the place he's in, and I move in, I'll probably end up doing most of the work/paying most of the bills (the place is rented anyways), and I'll be sucked into staying there long term, which I do not want. I love my father, but he smokes 4-5 packs a day and I cannot stand cigarette smoke at all. He is also, basically, messy/unclean, whereas I am the polar opposite. His girlfriend seems convinced that this is the only way this is going to work, and has him pretty much convinced of this as well.

    We get along great, and I have no problem if he wants to come stay with me (I've got an extra room) while everything gets sorted out, but why should I have to drop everything and start over because he hasn't been responsible with his money ever since I've been alive?
     
  2. northw3st

    northw3st New Member

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    i wouldn't do it. 4 to 5 packs? damn.

    he's a grown man - he can figure it out.
     
  3. cwm

    cwm OT Supporter

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    Why can't she move in and take care of him?
     
  4. sundance424

    sundance424 New Member

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    Don't do it. If he can get a job sit down with him and help him do it.

    If not help him get a place he can afford. You moving in with him would just allow him to keep sitting on his ass instead of working. That would be bad for both of you.
     
  5. DC

    DC OT Supporter

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    He's more qualified for any tech job that most people I know. He's just had it easy because for a large portion of my life, he was running a bar or another small business that didn't take a ton of time to manage. Since I've been alive he has never once had a normal 9-5 job.
     
    Last edited: Jan 31, 2009
  6. sp4rkle

    sp4rkle New Member

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    Tell him some of the stuff up there. A Dad's number one job is to put his children first.
     
  7. Lazy D.

    Lazy D. Active Member

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    and yet, he doesn't want to put his father first
     
  8. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Couple of things. You're perfectly justified in not wanting to give up everything you've worked for to go do this. Second, imo, no one just "moves in for a little bit, then moves out". I think if you did this, it would get more and more complicated as time went on.

    Finally...I don't mean to sound cynical, but I think the gf is trying to put most of the work on you so she won't have to do it. As his SO, your dad's gf would be the next logical one for him to go for support. She doesn't want to deal with it, so she's trying to convince both of you that the only recourse is to move in together.

    You've got the right idea. Offer to let him stay with you until he can get his stuff together, but do not move to a new place just for him. This will allow him a place to stay, but keep the pressure/motivation on him to find his own living arrangements.
     
  9. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    he has a room available for his dad to stay, but he should not have to rearrange his entire life to take care of his dad.

    Put it this way...if the TS lost his job, couldn't find a place to live, etc...which would be more likely? Would the dad move into a completely new place with his son? Or would he offer his son a room while his son got his shit together?
     
  10. Lazy D.

    Lazy D. Active Member

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    this is just a hypothetical situation you're talking about, lets go back to "he should not have to rearrange his entire life to take care of his dad."

    I think he should, but this is just my culture talking, north american mentality is different when it comes to family. His dad "rearranged his entire life to give him life and take care" of him for at least a decade, I don't see why he can't do the same for him. I wouldn't expect it from my kids, but I'd be greatful if they could return the favour.
     
  11. DC

    DC OT Supporter

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    He's a good guy but he's never really helped me at all.

    I never lived with my dad at all. He never paid child support, with the promise that he would help with college. Then a business that he had failed, and he fell through on college. So basically, other than spending time with him every other weekend as a kid, and going over there when I got older, he's did absolutely nothing to support/raise me.
     
  12. Lazy D.

    Lazy D. Active Member

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    ok, then, I see your point
     
  13. DC

    DC OT Supporter

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    I also seriously think I could tolerate it if it weren't for the fact that everything in his house smells like cigs. I cannot stand it. If he moved in with me, I'd seriously have to set ground rules too. I mean, everything in his house is covered in freakin nicotine. It's disgusting.

    Also, if it was really an issue to him, he could sell shit that he doesn't NEED.

    In his house, has has two smaller original picassos, one Salvador Dali original, and quite a few other paintings from back when he had money. He has as damned 1968 Rolls Royce in the driveway that he was working on restoring before he went broke. I'm sure that would fetch him rent for a couple of years.
     
    Last edited: Jan 31, 2009
  14. Sloi

    Sloi Back up in your ass with the resurrection

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    Perhaps I'm missing something and/or it's too obvious, but why not just lend him some money, if necessary, until he gets his act together? It doesn't have to be a lot, just enough to cover some groceries so his 1-2 months of savings turn into 3, which gives him more time to find work. Additionally, you could attempt talking him into selling some valuables that don't any any tangible benefits.
     
  15. Deadhead9150

    Deadhead9150 Banned

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    I agree with this man:bowdown:
     
  16. DC

    DC OT Supporter

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    I offered that but his pride is in the way. 'Can't borrow money from my son, you're my son, this isn't how it's supposed to happen'. Like I said, I think talking to him when she's not there will be more beneficial.

    One of his friends who's doing very well also offered monetary help, and later, when his friend is gone, he's like 'He doesn't have any money to spare, I can't ask him for help'

    Thinking about that statement, with his statement about me. Maybe he's denying help, either because he really doesn't need it, or because he's just in a period of self-loathing right now.
     
  17. Deadhead9150

    Deadhead9150 Banned

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    How is it any different from you moving in? In fact, it's probably less of an intrusion on your life than moving in with him. I mean, he's obviously struggling with the death of his mother and there isn't much you can do except be there for him but it's not like you'd be giving him the money, it'd be a loan.
     
  18. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    regarding the money idea...if you do end up loaning him money, make sure you write something out as to the amount loaned, what it will be used for, how soon it will be paid back, repayment schedule, etc.

    Hell, if you set it up kind of like a bank would, he might be more inclined to accept it.
     
  19. Phantom

    Phantom Active Member

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    He sounds like a bum who will do anything to avoid work. I wouldn't give him a thing.

    I would rather shoot myself than live off my parents pension when I was perfectly able to work though. I don't have much sympathy for parasitic family.
     
  20. D7

    D7 OT Supporter

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    You know what you don't want to do, so don't do those things. So offer him your extra room, perhaps for a specific amount of time.

    The utility companies will accept payment from anyone so if you wanted to contribute something and sidestep him on it, that might be a way to go. You could choose how much to pay them and they would just bill him for the balance due or carry the credit to the next month.
     
  21. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    Personally I wouldn't offer him much of anything. It's like a storm ahead.

    If you move: you give up everything.
    If you give him money: Don't expect to see it again
    If you let him move in with you: Don't expect to get him to leave easily
    If you try to help him in other ways, his pride won't permit it.

    The way I see it, don't help him at all. Give him emotional support and encouragment. That's enough so he can stand up on his own two feet. If you do decide to give him money -- give it, don't loan it. Otherwise you're just preparing yourself for a nice big resentment.

    I've been here before.
     

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