SRS OT help me salvage this relationship...

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Tensai81, Apr 19, 2005.

  1. Tensai81

    Tensai81 OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Dec 13, 2003
    Messages:
    20,620
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Beautiful South Orlaaaaaaando
    be prepared for a long read...

    I've been in a steady relationship for just over 2 years. I love her deeply. We lived together in FL in a nice 2 bedroom apartment. A year ago I was laided off from my job and was unemployeed for about a month. As my luck would have it, I was picked up by my current employeer in a new training program they had started as sort of a MIT or advance to management. It's a huge audio visual company that services hotels around the country. They'd train me for three months and placed me as management inside one of their properties. The problem is they didn't tell me WHICH property until about 1 month before the training was done. Long story short, I was placed here in NJ (against my will mind you) but I'm happy where I ended it, (it could have been NYC or LA, god forbid).

    It was really hard leaving FL, one because it's where I grew up, my entire family/friends relationships are there, and two because she wasn't ready to move with me right away. We talked it over and decided we wanted to stay together. The deal was she was to stay at her current job in Orlando to gain a years worth of experience to put on her resume and then look to move up to NJ where we'd live for 5-10 years until we were ready to move again somewhere else. She's from the north and constantly talks about leaving FL for places "with seasons" and I'm willing to accomadate that as much as I hate snow.

    It's been 10 months now we've been apart. I've traveled down to FL a total of 4 times, 5 coming up next week, and she's been up here once (I have more flextime with my job and she's deathly afraid of flying :rolleyes: ) For the first month or two it was really hard not seeing her everyday when I woke up and before I went to bed, then the next 4-5 seemed to just fly by with no real hickups.

    Lately it seems she's becoming more distant though. I can understand she's overloaded with work so I don't expect her to call me during business hours. I give her a call just to tell her I love her and she says it back and then says, "can I call you right back I'm really busy" then I won't hear from her until after she gets home, if she calls me at all. Usually it's me calling her before I go to bed. We still talk everyday for at least 10 min to talk about the day and make small talk.

    Last week we had a meltdown that left both of us in tears. The distance is really wearing on both of us. She mentioned taking a "break" which I know will not end well, but she says she still wants to be with me. She's started hanging out more with her friends from work, so I don't know if a combination of them and her parents have started putting ideas in her head about the situtation or what. But after the talk she's been more upbeat and friendly, not so emo or cold when we talk. I don't know if it's an act or she generally has gotten over it. She blames the whole situation on her fear of commitment and basis it off past relationships where she's pushed the guy away because she didn't want to become attached.

    I've always felt guilty about leaving FL, but the job is really great and its defintally a career I'd like to keep at least for another 10-15 years. There is a job opening coming open in FL, but it's not until August of 2006, a full year an a half away. I don't know if I can last that long and I dont' know if she can either. I'm trying to rationalize why she hasn't made any headway on fullfilling her part of the deal with gaining one year's experience on her resume and then moving up her. I by no means want to FORCE her to move and I understand she has ties to FL just as I did and she doesn't want to uproot herself. She works a crappy job for a company that has dicked her over at least twice and she's still with them (i.e. promised a promotion to another department by her supervisor and the head of the company but it was given to someone else) had the roles been reversed I probally would have been looking to leave awhile ago.

    her personality is that of a rooter, she gets attached to things, people, jobs and doesn't want to change. She has a fear of commitment and from the start told me she wanted to be in the relationship for 3 years before she even thinks about marriage. I've already told her my feelings about her, I want to marry her, but I also respect her wishes to wait for the 3 years. This whole moving thing has changed things a little bit though... :hs:

    I've been trying to get back to FL to save her from moving, but nothing aside from moving backwards in my career to abondaning it all together will get me back there anytime soon and it doesn't look like she's moving up here anytime soon either.

    Like I said, I've been here for 10 months and really don't have many friends aside from co-workers I hang out with on the job, and rarely go out. I go home watch TV, play video games, have a drink occasionally, or go do stuff by myself. So I really don't have many people up here I can sit and talk with face to face about this. I really needed to get this off my chest with arbitrary strangers (thanks Fazle :bigthumb: ) Any helpful suggestions on what I can do, or should do, to salvage this relationship with a great woman would be appreciated.

    Sorry for the long rant

    /emo rant
     
  2. poyol

    poyol Poyol means Dumbass

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2005
    Messages:
    2,512
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Tiu Nia Ma
    The way I see it, "she's just not that interested".

    I'd hate to be the bearer of bad news and whatnot, but if she was REALLY serious about the relationship, then she would go all out to at least try to be there with you in NJ, like you guys had planned.

    Or maybe she is just really having a hard-time moving out of her comfort zone. Do keep in mind that you are asking alot from her. It is not easy to leaves your friends and family and job behind all for the sake of one person (you).

    I know you guys miss each other alot, but if the both of you trust each other enough, there shouldn't be any rush to this matter. Just take things one step at a time.

    Now, from my own experiences, time apart can kill a relationship.
    I had an ex who went abroad to study in a different country. Things were ok for like 10 months or so, and then she just lost interest. Time apart from each other is secretly time for oneself to ponder on what you really want. It also leaves space for alot of doubt.

    So my advice to you is, try talking to her about this matter. But don't rush it.
     
  3. Tensai81

    Tensai81 OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Dec 13, 2003
    Messages:
    20,620
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Beautiful South Orlaaaaaaando
    I have the feeling your right, I'm just deluting myself from the harsh truth. I was hoping to prove everyone wrong when they said we wouldn't last, but I'm still going to try and fight for it, I do love her and I know she loves me, but who's to say we'd still be together even if I hadn't left?
     
  4. PuppyCat

    PuppyCat O.T. Mom

    Joined:
    Feb 6, 2005
    Messages:
    1,047
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Land of Provincialism
    If I loved a man and he asked me to come and live with him beyond the stars I would go. Nothing would stop me.
    Nothing.
     
  5. Tensai81

    Tensai81 OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Dec 13, 2003
    Messages:
    20,620
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Beautiful South Orlaaaaaaando
    I hear there's cheap real estate on the moon :)
     
  6. poyol

    poyol Poyol means Dumbass

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2005
    Messages:
    2,512
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Tiu Nia Ma
    :naughty: I like a lady who knows what she wants.
     
  7. PuppyCat

    PuppyCat O.T. Mom

    Joined:
    Feb 6, 2005
    Messages:
    1,047
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Land of Provincialism
    I said that to my then SO, and he looked at me and got real scared and said "I'm not going to offer you commitment." I replied, "I'm not looking for commitment." I asked "What do you want us to be?" He answered, "Perfect." I smiled and said "Perfect just does not exist."
    Our relationship is doomed.
     
  8. johan

    johan Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2003
    Messages:
    5,123
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sahasrara; magnetic violet infinite
    That there is as real a declaration of love as you will ever see.

    Is that rabbit stew you're making, Puppycat?
     
  9. PuppyCat

    PuppyCat O.T. Mom

    Joined:
    Feb 6, 2005
    Messages:
    1,047
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Land of Provincialism
    Define "Rabbit Stew", please.
     

Share This Page