SRS opinions welcome

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by bdm, Nov 25, 2006.

  1. bdm

    bdm French people PISS ME OFF

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    As a lurker here at OT, I often refrain from contributing, so, I am going to try here. Since it seems that this place is somewhat flame free, I will lay it out, here goes.


    What would you do? Which direction would you go? I am in my mid 30's, A person who is counted on to perform my duties with little or no failure. I am in a technical field, and considered one of the best in the region for what I do. I frequently am sent jobs too rescue from other states/locations to protect my company from financial loss. And have been successful, But, lately, I am tired, and emotionally frazzled. I was diagnosed bi=polar many years ago, and tried many meds over the years. disappointed with the results, I quit using them approximately 7 years ago, and have been able to manage by sheer will power. Besides, the meds (primarily lithium) made my thought process bog, thus making my ablility to do the very best trouble shooting work crippling. When I have a negative swing, I isolate myself until I can deal with people, or the situation. By being able to bury myself into the job, I spare my workmates/and family the pain of dealing with my razor sharp personality. That is only half of the equation


    The second half deals with home, I am happily married (12years). A very dedicated husband, and father. I do find things trying, as to be expected with marriage/parenthood, but certain things seem to be wearing my paitience down. for one, when my daughter was born, my wifes libido basically died. The last time she made love to me was March of '05. The question of fidelity is no issue to me, I love her, and there is no doubt in my mind and heart she is faithful, as am I.my attraction to her physically, emotionally, and spiritually have only grown as the years have gone by. But, after putting in 10-12 hour days at the shop (gotta make ends meet) and trying to keep up with an active 7 year old. I can't seem to please anyone anymore. My work is satisfactory (highest ranked in the region) and my home duties are performed properly. But my mood is dark, and I have been fighting a pretty serious depression for the last 6 months. My confidence is beginning to wain, and I can't seem to shake it. I find myself searching for attention and praise, (hence the reason I am posting this) something I never really craved in the past. And this affecting my personal/social relationships to people in the outside world. My physical health is starting to weaken, weight gain, exhaustion, fatigue. I am a big guy to start with, 6'5", 275, and size gain is something I really could live without. My libido is strong as ever, my desire to perform my daily duties (home/work) is always there, but my personal happiness, and self confidence is basically dead. I feel that happiness should come from within, but, I haven't been able to drag it out...........

    all opinions are welcome, good or bad
     
  2. Bruticus

    Bruticus half dead OT Supporter

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    OK well you seem to have a few problems.

    The first being the bipolar issue. I don't have any experience with that, but you stopped taking stuff 7 years ago? Maybe you should go back to a doc and see if they have new medicine that may actually help? I understand the issue of not liking how they slow down your thinking. If something slowed my thinking or my ability to run I'd stop it asap unless it'd kill me. I hate being held back. However if there are no new meds to possibly help then I think just fighting it as you are may be the best option, though maybe someone who has bipolar may have some better suggestions.

    Secondly you are tired and sick of your job. You need a holiday I'd say. A couple of weeks off can refresh you crazily, I know it does for me and by the end of the second week I am eager to get back to doing something as I get bored very easily.

    Thirdly is your wifes libido. This can be a tough one but I'm sure there are lots of drugs out there for things like this. It may not be the best option though. I'd first ask whether or not you have communicated with her? A year and a half without sex in a marriage at only 30-odd isn't very good. I couldn't take that and I don't have an extremely high sex drive. Is she on any drugs that may be killing her sex drive? Get to the bottom of that and you could have a healthy sex life again, there are lots of benefits from this.

    Lastly you are depressed and physically unfit. For me these two tend to go together. When I am fit, able to get to the gym every second day, run on the others and play team sport then I am in a great mood almost 24/7. When I am too busy with other things to be able to be active I get moody. When I am injured I get depressed as I can't exercise. This may just be me, but the best thing to cheer me up is killing myself playing sport or running etc. Being more active has some huge benefits. You may not be able to run at your size (must be hell on your knees) but there are lots of other things, like swimming or cycling etc that you could do if you could find or make the time. I'd bet you'd feel your moods improving fairly fast.

    Good luck :)
     
  3. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    A farmer can only take up so much hay on his fork , if the loaded weight becomes too high, the farmer will fall. Same counts for you. Don't put yourself on or above a maximum. As they say someone who pushes themselves to the limit, is called a hero and inspiration, someone who pushes themselves beyond the limit is called a Mental patient. You are at your limit, its important to recognize this. So

    If i where you i would put a step back and bring your life back into calmer waters. It doesn't have to be this way, if your always away you won't even be able to get to know your own daughter.

    They actually had a commercial on t.v here about this,where you see children wondering and staring asking themselves 'who is this man who comes only on sunday to cut the meat at the dinner table ' indicating that men also need to be a part of the family. Well not wanting to stretch it too much, what im trying to say here is, stop going for the diamonds in your life, settle for the brass. Less work, more time for the familly. Of course this isn't meant to express your stress of your problems on them, instead take them and yourself out on non-stressfull events. Take walks in nature, relax ,breathe deep.

    Its like a steam kettle. If you put too much steam pressure on it, the thing will explode. If there's too little steam you get nothing done, so just enough pressure to get things going is the middle way out. As said don't put too much pressure on yourself or you'll explode. Vent your steam out in things in life that you enjoy to do.

    Im not sure what to do about your wife's low stamina, although i've heard about viagra for woman, but i have no idea if it works.
     
  4. deuceforty

    deuceforty between rupture and rapture

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    6'5", 275


    woah, are you pretty built?? right now im 6'4 and 225, and i am pretty fucking big.. im about 25 pounds over my in-season weight, and even then im pretty big
     
  5. Create

    Create :free at last:

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    I agree with Dark. You've got to lighten the load. Sending your child to your parents' place for a weekend is nothing to feel guilty about. It'll give you and your wife a chance be romantic, or just relax.

    Honestly, your wife knows you better than any of us here. Have you talked to her yet?
     
  6. bdm

    bdm French people PISS ME OFF

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    As stated, opinions are welcome, and appreciated.

    (to answer Create) far as discussing this issue with the Missus, we have discussed it, we communicate very well. This surely is obvious due to the fact that we are still together after the last 2 years. I know she is in mommy mode 24/7, and It appears that after the birth, the playground got wrecked pretty bad, and things are physically uncomfortable for her. I can respect that.......for better or worse as they say. Besides, our size differences have been an issue since day one, she is 5'2", and 97lbs. Quite a feat for us to procreate in the first place......

    (to answer AE86) As far as my physical condition. I do have a gut, I don't get to the gym, and my diet has been pretty much crap lately. My occupation does involve quite a bit of physical work as well as mental. I do have to have my clothing tailored to fit my chest, arms, and neck. Not bad for a guy who wears orthotic devices to walk, and was told would be in a wheel chair 10 years ago. (all due to an incorrectable birth defect) so running is out of the question. But I do agree, perhaps some "take care of me" time is due. Sound advice from Bruticus, thankyou.

    (to answer Darketernal) I see the lesson in your metaphorical response, and I understand that the candle that burns at both ends burns out twice as fast, just sometimes, a person has to hear it from a stranger for it to sink in. Yes, the stress is wearing me out, and I feel about as low as I can remember. I truly hate to come here looking for support. But, I am slowly learning to accept the opinions of others to make myself a better person. In an attempt to relax, I have scheduled a vacation/holiday for the end of the month. But the feeling of guilt of moving the appointments of more than 30people was a hard burden to carry. Not to mention my boss was less than enthused with my decision.

    I am currently on an upswing in mood, and just seeing some responses to my so called "yell for help in the wilderness" is encouraging. Thank you all for your responses, they certainly mean a lot to me. amazing how a little conversation can bring a soul a little feeling of self worth.

    opinions are still welcome, and please step in if you have anything else to add.
     
  7. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

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    I have some experience with how you are feeling, and, in my opinion, this all boils down to a matter of fulfilment. In your life, your needs are not being met.

    From the looks of things, your job demands so much from you that you have no energy left to cultivate anything else, and so the rest of your needs become starved. I wouldn't be surprised if this is the root cause of your bi-polar disorder as well.

    I'd advise taking a good hard look at your life, and try to find some way to strike a balance between your professional life and your personal life. This may require leaving your job and finding a new one entirely.

    By the same token, don't make any drastic and over-compensatory moves. Work is a need in and of itself, if you short yourself there, you will still feel unfulfilled, albeit not for a while (that need has grown fat ;)).

    As for your romantic life, when's the last time you and your wife have taken time out for just the two of you? Why not take a week off work, have a family member/friend take care of your children for that week (what kid would say no to 'want to stay with grandma and grandpa for a week?!') and spend that week exalting eachother. I can guarantee your wife is just as frazzled as you are, and the respite would be welcome to you both.
     
  8. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

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    I cannot stress enough just how insiduous the poison of stress and dissatisfaction is. You will not notice it, you will just notice the effects (ie: downswing)

    It is a natural reaction for your body and mind to shut down and go into recovery mode when you overstress them, a state which is identical to depression. Since you continually overload yourself, both with the expectations others place on you and the expectations you place on yourself, you cannot help but fail to achieve them, and, as a result, hate yourself for failing.

    This sends you into the depression. When in the depression, (usually) all self-imposed expectations halt (this is the reason why so many people who spiral into depression quit their jobs, ignore their families, etc), and so you no longer fail. Now that you aren't failing anymore, you start to feel better, and start to place expectations again.....

    you can see where this is going.

    As has been noted already, you need to drop some of the weight, but not just the professional weight. You need to be completely honest with yourself, and find out just what expecations you place on yourself (pleasing your family, cleanliness of your house, appearance to your neighbors, etc) and cut some out of them as well.

    Maintaining outward appearances is one of the most stressful and least valuable endeavors a person can engage in. It's really not all that important to have your neighbors in awe of you. ;)
     
  9. deuceforty

    deuceforty between rupture and rapture

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    oh, i was gonna say to go to the gym and get in a little better shape because it can have a huge positive effect on you, sounds like you have it under control though
     

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