SRS once again, I'm afraid of women v.social anxiety

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by black jesus, Dec 28, 2008.

  1. black jesus

    black jesus OT Supporter

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    I guess I'm a bit of an emotional wreck in general, but lately I've been paralyzed by fear of women. I have this feeling that I'm a child around all these cool, higher-social status Austin people. So every time I see a woman, I'm taken back to a time warp in 4th and 5th grade:
    the time I fuck up a soccer game, and intense shame came over me as numerous people heckled me for my failure
    but most importantly, I'm taken back to that time everyone found out that I liked the girls I could never have because I wasn't cool or strong enough, and their boyfriends were going to beat my ass.


    Its like I'm 11-years old every time I see a chick in a bar...I'm all locked-up again.

    any thoughts on getting over this? i'm going to be 28-years old soon, wasting away every day with this crap.
     
  2. chornelium

    chornelium found when lost OT Supporter

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    The only thing I can say is that you've got to believe in yourself. Regardless of the past and what happened in your childhood, you can't let that control the choices you are able to consciously make in the future.

    Ask youself before each time you approach a girl you want to, "Ok, so what's the worst thing that can possibly happen here?" ..more than not the worst thing is that they'll be disinterested or not wanting to talk to you. So what? At least you tried and that said, now you know what the outcome is of your efforts.. it's worse not trying and letting the uncertainty of what could have happened nag over your head and beat you down. You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain, so logically know that, believe it, and tell yourself that. Look at it for what it is - it's just you approaching someone and talking to them, nothing more.

    I used to, and still do sometimes, have a lot of anxiety initiating a conversation with some chick I thought was hot or attractive and wanted to go for. More often then not, I found myself internalizing the myriad of negative possibilites so much so that I'd talk myself out of even saying HELLO... and for what? Nothing more than fear, and doubt... no reasons, just feelings.

    So I chose to say "fuck it" to myself... I honestly thought of that line from Fight Club, and used that sort of as my foundational motto in my new methodology of social interaction: "It's only when you have nothing that you can do anything."

    I can sympathize with you, but that won't help you.. only you can help yourself, and if you really want to change the way you perceive yourself to be, you are the only one and thing that can do anything about it. Just go and talk to them. It won't hurt, and the feeling of accomplishment afterwards will make you so glad you went out and did it, instead of wondering what would happen if you did :hsd:
     
  3. black jesus

    black jesus OT Supporter

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    I've come back arround. I've had a fair amount of success, but suddenly I feel like I'm doing something "bad" or at the least wasting someone's time and they're going to tell their friends about that weird guy.

    I'm in great shape, good hair, great fashion sense, I have a ton of money, awesome job, I'm into cool shit like food, wine, cooking, travel, motorsports, but for some reason, I just can't let go of the internalization that "I AM THE DOUCHE BAG HITTING ON RANDOM WOMEN!" I still feel like its bad, and I'm doing something wrong. I mean, is it normal to see a couple women posted up somewhere and go over to them and start talking? Should I feel like an asshole for doing that?
     
  4. chornelium

    chornelium found when lost OT Supporter

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    Well, you are that guy going over and talking to them, however you're not being a sleeze about it are you? Question your motives. If you know you're not doing anything you don't consider inappropriate, then you have nothing to worry about. So what if they talk about you behind your back.. it could be good or it could be bad. Either way, it's nothing you can control, so don't sweat it.

    You may have a lot of stuff, but your personality and the things you say are the first thing they'll remember and process, so make it count :cool:
     
  5. chornelium

    chornelium found when lost OT Supporter

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    ...and I think that internalization you've got is the past lingering within yourself. It's just fear and doubt, not something real.. so try to overcome it with understanding that it's not pertinent :)
     
  6. black jesus

    black jesus OT Supporter

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    Well, all my "stuff" isn't something that gives me merrit, my appreciation and super-cool hobbies do.

    My intentions are genuine and respectable...I could tell their fathers exactly what I wanted and they'd love me for it. I'm about to leave my hotel now and go drink wine and meet a few new people with the mentality that I'm not doing anything wrong and that I shouldn't expect that perception, we'll see what I get out of it.
     
  7. chornelium

    chornelium found when lost OT Supporter

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    :h5:

    You're in the green and will definitely feel a lot better with that in your head. Report back!
     
  8. Cabbagekid-108

    Cabbagekid-108 New Member

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    Good luck with tonight!

    It seems you have the foundation laid down: lots of money, lots of hobbies, look presentable and noticable. The missing attribute you lack is confidence, think positive and not only plan when you come up to a woman but vision it as if you were watching the scene in a movie.

    Just pretend that the girl is one of your buddies, thats when your relaxed and having fun but depending on your personality you might want to tweak that feeling so that your having fun but your also on guard just in case if: you say something you didnt mean or want to say, and also to take the steps to get her phone number or hit the home run ;)

    Present yourself throughout each interaction as a mature confident guy and you'll become more comfortable around each girl.
     
  9. Drifter87

    Drifter87 Yippi-kay-ay, Motherfucker

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    What happened in the past should stay in the past. When you talk to women, don't care what they think about you. If things go south, there are plenty more out there.

    The way I got over my fear of talking to women, is when it dawned on me, that why am I going to let a complete stranger ruin my night. If she turns me down, there someone else out there who is worth my time.
     
  10. black jesus

    black jesus OT Supporter

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    money has nothing to do with anything. I brought up the money thing because I'm not poor, or in need of a job due to recent economic Sepuku like most of the nation.


    I talk to 3-girls, and bombed every one, lol. I don't know what's wrong with me lately, but it needs to change. I'm going to lift tomorrow then go post up somewhere and talk to girls in the day-time. I feel like I'm running out of time in my life for this shit. I don't want to be that guy who spent all of his life alone.
     
  11. 2500

    2500 Guest

    You fail because you think about it. Lets take anything I do on a day to day basis..... playing a little counterstrike.... If I TRY SO HARD to play good, I'll suck. If i chill, have fun and not care, I'll do great. Racing... I've been so stressed about a street race, that after my burnout, I forgot to put my car back in D after backing up, and launched in reverse. Everyone was watching, wanted to impress people, tried so hard to be perfect, and fucked it up. If I TRY to be funny, I'll say stupid shit.... If I act quick witted and not think about being funny, I'm really funny. If I hang a picture, and take 400 measurements, it's normally off, but if I eyeball it, it normally comes out pretty decent. Don't over think shit, cuz it clouds your head. Just, chill, and do what you gotta do.
     
  12. black jesus

    black jesus OT Supporter

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    I don't know that its even really approach anxiety anymore, more like a violation of moral fiber...I've done something wrong because I'm talking to this girl based simply upon the way she looks.

    I just locked up again in the gym when I should have opened a chick who was so fucking insanely hot. Now I have the guilt. It doesn't even get to the point of approach anxiety anymore. My goal is a relationship, and as long as it never goes south, I'll never leave. So I automatically think, "why the hell would this chick want to be around me for years and years? She doesn't even know me, so why would she want to talk to e in the first place."

    This bullshit consumers me like once every 6-months and i freeze up.
     
  13. Genghis.Tron

    Genghis.Tron New Member

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    You nnnnnnnnnnnnnneed to see someone. The more you talk about it, the more it seems like a personality disorder.
     
  14. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    Agreed. There is zero I can do to help you here on the internet.
     
  15. BwanaKuu

    BwanaKuu New Member

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    How will she get to know you if you don't talk to her? :dunno:

    It almost sounds like a self-esteem issue to you. You don't like yourself so you can't see a reason for other people to like you. I'm not really sure what you don't like about yourself but I think the low self-esteem is probably the cause of your anxiety?
     
  16. 2500

    2500 Guest

    You're thinking way too long term. Don't think about "why would she want to spend years and years with you." You don't even know if you want to spend years and years with her! She could be a nut! My best advice would be to approach girls, and see if you guys click for that one night. Just go into it thinking "I want to talk to her tonight." No big deal, just talking. If you guys click, maybe exchange numbers, and talk again. Then you get to know each other, date, become exclusive, be together for years, get engaged, THEN worry about being with each other for years and years.

    I met my current BF of over 2.5 years because he was cute and I wanted sex, haha. I was searching myspace for someone to trade pics with, maybe meet up. Once I went through everyone within driving distance, I basically started hitting random numbers to make random zip codes and seeing what was out there. I found him, thought he was cute, and messaged him. He lived 600 miles away, but whatever, maybe I could get some nekked pics or something, haha. Anyways, we started talking, talked for a few weeks, I went to see him, spent alot of time with him, then fell in love with him, and now, almost 3 years later, we are very very happy and plan to spend the rest of our lives together. I know my slutty ways back then are prolly not what you need to be doing, but I'm telling you this because it proves that if you just chill, talk, and let life happen, you'd be surprised at the outcome. I put absolutely no expectations on him at the time. We were 7 years apart, 600 miles apart, and what are the odds a redneck from the south was gonna be into a city boy from NY? Granted I had to move to the south, but regardless, I had no expectations, I let life happen, and, in the end, it worked out better than I could have imagined. You're putting too many expectations on yourself. You're feeling you need to prove you're husband material or something. Just go into it thinking "I'm a cool person, she might be looking for someone to talk to, and I'm interesting so I'll talk to her." Then, whatever happens, happens.
     
  17. chornelium

    chornelium found when lost OT Supporter

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    .

    Nothing will happen if you don't let it, and for threadstarter, it seems like the hardest thing for him to do is not initiate a conversation, but initiate a calm and chill belief in himself to just be nothing more than himself.

    Fabricating expectations in your head of moral, social, and ethical dilemmas over something that hasn't even happened is only going to make you insane and become paranoid over the POSSIBILITY of a certain situation which only exists in your head.

    black jesus, try to understand that all these perceptions you've got of what you want and what you think you need are obstacles keeping you from even having the chance of attaining them. You've gotta remove the self-imposed expectations you're strangling yourself with, and just got out there and talk.

    Relax, be yourself, chill, because if anyone doesn't like you for who you are, that's their fucking problem, not yours. :bigthumb:
     
  18. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Still not seeing a psychologist?
     
  19. black jesus

    black jesus OT Supporter

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    I travel for work. Its not an option.
     
  20. 2500

    2500 Guest

    how long are you gone at a time? never rule a form of help out. my therapist offers email sessions, phone sessions, afterhours, weekend.
     
  21. black jesus

    black jesus OT Supporter

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    sometimes 6-months, sometimes 3 days. I've spend 313+ days in Marriott hotels this year alone.
     
  22. 2500

    2500 Guest

    And you expect to get into a relationship being gone 313+ days a year?
     
  23. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    Touche
     
  24. black jesus

    black jesus OT Supporter

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    nothing lasts forever. I'm more interested in making friends in general.
     
  25. 2500

    2500 Guest

    But you think "why would this girl want to spend years and years with me?" You're not making sense. If its just friends, and you're gone 313 days a year, why do you care what these girls think? Not like you're ever planning on seeing them again anyways.
     

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