Fair warning, I have a habit of creating long posts. I'll try and do some cliffs at the bottom for the reviewers. Ok so, a few weeks ago, maybe a month and a half ago, I made a post explaining my situation between my ex B and myself. I'll edit the thread after I'm done with a link so if anyone is interested, they can read it. ( Edit : http://forums.offtopic.com/showthread.php?t=3445771 ) Majority of people here have recently been reading about a girl named Cristina, and who she is to me. Just for structure sakes, realize this is the girl that I've been chasing since 1st grade and vice-versa.. Now, both graduated and out've school for a few years, it seems like life is ready to bring us back together. We dated for a while but decided a friendship at the time was the neccessity, now, it's obvious we've matured. As of recently, more notably these past 3 weeks, we've been very, very physical with eachother. I'll get back to this. Here's where I fucked up. Hardcore. Royally. /imsorrytothosewhotoldmetostayaway So, as some of you may or may not know, I'm a "Professional Gamer". On more occassions then I prefer, I do alot of traveling for the gaming industry. From playing in tournaments, helping out staff at events, or simply promoting / being the "MC" at events. This past weekend me and my team had an event in Toronto. B, ex my, is currently living in Niagara Falls and she figured instead of me renting a car she'd just pick me up and bring me to my hotel. Dumb decision to put myself into a predicament, but, none-the-less, I took the offer. I got into the Buffalo Train Station around 1AM and there she was.. Just as a I remembered her. Short, jet black hair, leg gripping jeans, smile lighting up the night, and a sweater revealing her natural curves.. Just stunning. Every previous thought of the "how could you" dissapeared in the instant I saw her. I should have known better, I should have been more precautious with the moves I was going to make.. but it was just so hard. This is the girl who, although short-term, captured my heart and healed my wounds from my previous relationship with my ex-fiancee`.. Then ripped it from me. It was a tough pill to swallow. We get to the Crowne Plaza in Niagara where my buddy was meeting me. Checked into our room and the three of us went up. My buddy passed out on his bed immediately leaving me and B up alone, to talk.. Rekindle, I guess you could call it. I was laying in the bed and she gave me the "mind if I lay next to you" look, I motioned for her to come on the bed. We started talking a bit, started talking about us and what happened, how much hurt she put me through, and how bloody yet painfully honest she was "being with me". I looked at her teary eyed and went to give her a hug, you know, the "in bed reach over and grab" kinda hug. I got one arm around her, when I leaned my face over her shoulder, she looked me in the eyes and kissed me. I didn't expect it, wasn't ready for it. I kissed her back, her lips as luscious as ever.. We made out for a bit then her hands started wandering.. I lifted the sheets (took initiative.. but hey, guy + situation.. cmon) and got underneath them, breaking our kiss strictly to take off my hoody. As she climbed under we started going at it harder. Next thing you know, her pants are off and I'm playing with her clit.. My buddy is KO'd on the bed over, we acknowledged that and then did what grown people do. It was amazing. I've never been so turned on by someone before. This scared me. She ended up staying with me throughout the tournament. Came with me to Canada, came to the events, stood in my hotel room all weekend.. Needless to say, there was sex and foreplay - a lot of it. Monday I was scheduled to leave, which I did. When she brought me back to the Train Station she kissed me with a "I'll see you again, right?" kind of reluctance. She told me she loved me. I said it back. ---- I don't want to be with B. I know she isn't the girl for me. I know she isn't nearly as emotionally devoted as I was or still may be. I always gave that girl the world on a platter for her to simply tell me in the end she wasn't sure if I was the one she wanted. I loved that girl - would have done anything for her. She ruined it. I honestly can tell myself I don't want to be with her. I think given the predicament, the heat of the moment, and the amount of time from last seeing her, is really what made me jump-the-gun. To say I don't feel for the girl would be a lie. I think it's such a tear between being wanted and wanting somebody. This weekend really made me feel good while I was there, she made me feel like she used to. Was it just sex? Pleasure? Na, probably not. I'm stimulated more on an intellectual level more then anything, just physically this girl always did it for me.. I'm just not sure where to go from here? She's been calling me, texting, emailing, myspace, etc.. When we were there I told her my intentions, letting her know as much as I loved her and still do, I can't go back to you. It's just not happening. She said "I know" and "Im sorry", agreeing with what she did was wrong.. Part that hurts the most? She kept talking with "the other guy" this whole weekend, never by call, but a lot of texting. It urked the hell out of me. Not because of jealousy or anger, but because you're trying to bring me back (even though I don't want it) and you're showing no form of commitment. Just like her usual, selfish self. Now - she wants to be best friends. Wants to be like normal friends. I can't be friends with someone I'm not over, it's just not likely. The whole she's burned in my heart is painful, and the sound of her voice makes me weak.. but scared. I don't want to fall back into that. --- Cristina.. my love, life, baby.. Whatever. I've known this girl since 1st grade, dated for about 6 years through our life together.. Always awesome. Never dull moments, never a boring ride, always an awesome time. This girl, who I could elaborate on forever, has been there for me through thick and thin. When I broke my arm, she wrote out all my papers without me even asking. When I got into my first car accident, she was visiting my mom and was on the scene before the authorities. The love she shows and showers me in is unconditional, and I have that feeling that I know it'll be forever. I love Cristina with every inch of my heart, there's no doubting that. I've wanted her from the first time I poked her with a pencil in 1st grade, to the last time I pulled her hair teasingly. I know this is the girl for me, I'm just not sure if I'm ready for that yet.. We've been intimate for the past couple of weeks now with absolutely no side-drama. What's happened in the bedroom (and all over the house ) stays there. She understands we're not in a relationship but wants to comfort me, soothe me, and take care of me. After this weekend with B, I feel like I fucked a lot of shit up. I'm reluctant and hesitant to tell Cristina because of feelings / emotions. We're not dating or in a relationship, but, that doesn't mean it won't hurt her. Emotionally, sexually, and intellectually she stimulates my mind more then anyone else.. I don't want to hurt her.. or even more, lose her. I'm scared of that. What do I do OT? Why did this all hit me so hard? Do you guys think my past with B / overall actions with her recently is a big hit for me? Or would you say it was a spur of the moment, acting on instinct kind of thing? Should I tell Cristina? Should I let her know what happened? I was with her last night and had the best time... again. I can't get enough of her.. Ugh... Cliffs: Saw ex-girlfriend after a huge break-up / broken heart. Been broken up for almost 2 months. Slept with her throughout the weekend. Now I'm back home, not sure wether or not to regret my actions.. Have my life-long love on my fingertips, debating wether or not to tell her.. Looking for overall advice, read the story, it's worth it. I'll find my thread.