SRS Okay.. Here we go.. Why did I.. Ugh.

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Dreams2Reality, Nov 9, 2007.

  1. Dreams2Reality

    Dreams2Reality saywhat

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    Fair warning, I have a habit of creating long posts. I'll try and do some cliffs at the bottom for the reviewers.

    Ok so, a few weeks ago, maybe a month and a half ago, I made a post explaining my situation between my ex B and myself. I'll edit the thread after I'm done with a link so if anyone is interested, they can read it.

    ( Edit : http://forums.offtopic.com/showthread.php?t=3445771 )

    Majority of people here have recently been reading about a girl named Cristina, and who she is to me. Just for structure sakes, realize this is the girl that I've been chasing since 1st grade and vice-versa.. Now, both graduated and out've school for a few years, it seems like life is ready to bring us back together. We dated for a while but decided a friendship at the time was the neccessity, now, it's obvious we've matured. As of recently, more notably these past 3 weeks, we've been very, very physical with eachother. I'll get back to this.

    Here's where I fucked up. Hardcore. Royally. /imsorrytothosewhotoldmetostayaway

    So, as some of you may or may not know, I'm a "Professional Gamer". On more occassions then I prefer, I do alot of traveling for the gaming industry. From playing in tournaments, helping out staff at events, or simply promoting / being the "MC" at events.

    This past weekend me and my team had an event in Toronto. B, ex my, is currently living in Niagara Falls and she figured instead of me renting a car she'd just pick me up and bring me to my hotel. Dumb decision to put myself into a predicament, but, none-the-less, I took the offer.

    I got into the Buffalo Train Station around 1AM and there she was.. Just as a I remembered her. Short, jet black hair, leg gripping jeans, smile lighting up the night, and a sweater revealing her natural curves.. Just stunning. Every previous thought of the "how could you" dissapeared in the instant I saw her. I should have known better, I should have been more precautious with the moves I was going to make.. but it was just so hard. This is the girl who, although short-term, captured my heart and healed my wounds from my previous relationship with my ex-fiancee`.. Then ripped it from me. It was a tough pill to swallow.

    We get to the Crowne Plaza in Niagara where my buddy was meeting me. Checked into our room and the three of us went up. My buddy passed out on his bed immediately leaving me and B up alone, to talk.. Rekindle, I guess you could call it. I was laying in the bed and she gave me the "mind if I lay next to you" look, I motioned for her to come on the bed. We started talking a bit, started talking about us and what happened, how much hurt she put me through, and how bloody yet painfully honest she was "being with me". I looked at her teary eyed and went to give her a hug, you know, the "in bed reach over and grab" kinda hug. I got one arm around her, when I leaned my face over her shoulder, she looked me in the eyes and kissed me. :ugh: I didn't expect it, wasn't ready for it. I kissed her back, her lips as luscious as ever.. We made out for a bit then her hands started wandering.. I lifted the sheets (took initiative.. but hey, guy + situation.. cmon) and got underneath them, breaking our kiss strictly to take off my hoody. As she climbed under we started going at it harder. Next thing you know, her pants are off and I'm playing with her clit.. My buddy is KO'd on the bed over, we acknowledged that and then did what grown people do.

    It was amazing. I've never been so turned on by someone before. This scared me.

    She ended up staying with me throughout the tournament. Came with me to Canada, came to the events, stood in my hotel room all weekend.. Needless to say, there was sex and foreplay - a lot of it. Monday I was scheduled to leave, which I did. When she brought me back to the Train Station she kissed me with a "I'll see you again, right?" kind of reluctance. She told me she loved me.

    I said it back.

    ----

    I don't want to be with B. I know she isn't the girl for me. I know she isn't nearly as emotionally devoted as I was or still may be. I always gave that girl the world on a platter for her to simply tell me in the end she wasn't sure if I was the one she wanted. I loved that girl - would have done anything for her. She ruined it.

    I honestly can tell myself I don't want to be with her. I think given the predicament, the heat of the moment, and the amount of time from last seeing her, is really what made me jump-the-gun.

    To say I don't feel for the girl would be a lie. I think it's such a tear between being wanted and wanting somebody. This weekend really made me feel good while I was there, she made me feel like she used to. Was it just sex? Pleasure? Na, probably not. I'm stimulated more on an intellectual level more then anything, just physically this girl always did it for me.. I'm just not sure where to go from here? She's been calling me, texting, emailing, myspace, etc..

    When we were there I told her my intentions, letting her know as much as I loved her and still do, I can't go back to you. It's just not happening. She said "I know" and "Im sorry", agreeing with what she did was wrong.. Part that hurts the most? She kept talking with "the other guy" this whole weekend, never by call, but a lot of texting. It urked the hell out of me. Not because of jealousy or anger, but because you're trying to bring me back (even though I don't want it) and you're showing no form of commitment. Just like her usual, selfish self.


    Now - she wants to be best friends. Wants to be like normal friends. I can't be friends with someone I'm not over, it's just not likely. The whole she's burned in my heart is painful, and the sound of her voice makes me weak.. but scared. I don't want to fall back into that.

    ---

    Cristina.. my love, life, baby.. Whatever. I've known this girl since 1st grade, dated for about 6 years through our life together.. Always awesome. Never dull moments, never a boring ride, always an awesome time. This girl, who I could elaborate on forever, has been there for me through thick and thin. When I broke my arm, she wrote out all my papers without me even asking. When I got into my first car accident, she was visiting my mom and was on the scene before the authorities.

    The love she shows and showers me in is unconditional, and I have that feeling that I know it'll be forever. I love Cristina with every inch of my heart, there's no doubting that. I've wanted her from the first time I poked her with a pencil in 1st grade, to the last time I pulled her hair teasingly. I know this is the girl for me, I'm just not sure if I'm ready for that yet.. We've been intimate for the past couple of weeks now with absolutely no side-drama. What's happened in the bedroom (and all over the house :naughty:) stays there. She understands we're not in a relationship but wants to comfort me, soothe me, and take care of me.

    After this weekend with B, I feel like I fucked a lot of shit up. I'm reluctant and hesitant to tell Cristina because of feelings / emotions. We're not dating or in a relationship, but, that doesn't mean it won't hurt her. Emotionally, sexually, and intellectually she stimulates my mind more then anyone else.. I don't want to hurt her.. or even more, lose her. I'm scared of that.

    What do I do OT? Why did this all hit me so hard? Do you guys think my past with B / overall actions with her recently is a big hit for me? Or would you say it was a spur of the moment, acting on instinct kind of thing?

    Should I tell Cristina? Should I let her know what happened? I was with her last night and had the best time... again. I can't get enough of her..


    Ugh...


    Cliffs:
    Saw ex-girlfriend after a huge break-up / broken heart. Been broken up for almost 2 months. Slept with her throughout the weekend. Now I'm back home, not sure wether or not to regret my actions.. Have my life-long love on my fingertips, debating wether or not to tell her.. Looking for overall advice, read the story, it's worth it.

    I'll find my thread.
     
  2. 04JETTA

    04JETTA OT Supporter

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    i would say it was a spur of the moment thing i mean have u talked to her since then or thought about her alot? as far as telling Christina you gotta hope for the best and tell her the truth honesty is important in any relationship i think hope this helps :sadwavey:
     
  3. Dreams2Reality

    Dreams2Reality saywhat

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    I've spoke with B here and there, never making it a priority or anything.. it was always a matured chat, no heated lashes or anything.

    As for Cristina.. I mean, really.. what do I do.. :( Verdi or IWYWB? Your opinions?
     
  4. PlayForBlood

    PlayForBlood The rules, rules don't apply to you. You're specia

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    sorry, but if you aren't with Christina because she doesn't want to be with you at the time, then you don't have to tell her shit about anything

    you think she is going to tell you everything she is doing as a single girl...nope

    don't tell her and don't fell guilty about it
     
  5. Dreams2Reality

    Dreams2Reality saywhat

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    Well, like I said, their is alot of history between us. And to be honest, she does tell me everything, and I mean everything. Even when it has to do with another guy, or an ex, she tells me. Even if it hurts, she knows that with our history (16+ yrs) that their isn't a thing in this world that'd come between us when we're honest with eachother.

    Cristina wants to be with me, I think you might have misread that. For the past few weeks we've been dating heavily and we've been intimate.. Many times. It really falls on me, though.

    I'm 21 years old, just hitting my "prime" with woman and life. I'm starting to enjoy the "night-life" and making the most out of it. On one hand I don't want to be "tied-down" and restricted. I'm a faithful person so I refuse to ever cheat on a SO. On the other hand I have Cristina, just about ready to graduate school, ready to move on in life, and she wants to make sure I'm there with her. She's amazing, honestly. Best friends with the family, her and my mother talk regularly, even meet up for coffee every now and then.

    I guess it's what I want? I just need to clear my head of B and our actions.
     
  6. 04JETTA

    04JETTA OT Supporter

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    this is honestly the gospel
     
  7. Avenger97

    Avenger97 New Member

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    good luck man.. this is a tough one.. and somthing that im kinda goin thru.. except im doing it with one girl.

    just be careful , and live your life how you want. yea hookin up with the ex was fun , and she may still love you , but you are here , and she is there..

    here you have the girl who is the one who you always wanted... id say stick it thru with cristina and see how it works out...

    and if it doenst work.. send her my way LOL hahhaha
     
  8. Kirbys Autumn

    Kirbys Autumn Mrs. Kirby McSpic

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    You should have stayed away, but what's done is done. Just be honest now, it's all you can do. If Cristina can't be with you after this then you'll probably just have to respect her decision. You kind of broke her trust after this, but I hope all goes well. :hug: good luck.
     
  9. Dreams2Reality

    Dreams2Reality saywhat

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    See.. that's the thing. I wouldn't say I broke any trust. Cristina understands and respects that we aren't "together". I'm not saying she's okay with me sleeping with other woman, but, she's never once cared about m previous or current actions with other people. She just wants me to be happy, and she knows that with her, I will be.

    I'm just torn. Everyday that passes is a day that I'm trying to forget about B, Cristina knows that. I fucked up hardcore this past weekend, but, does that entitle Cristina to a fair opinion if I tell her the story?

    I don't want to lose the one I love.. I want to be with her, I do. I just can't see myself giving her the attention, dedication and whole-heart that she would give me right now. I don't want to undermine her, she doesn't deserve that.

    I want to give her the world and more.
     
  10. 04JETTA

    04JETTA OT Supporter

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  11. Redneck Shinobi

    Redneck Shinobi Well Jules, the funny thing about my back is that

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    Lust and Love are separate, but can come in both in the same person. This isn't the one for you... I hate to say it and as much as I don't want to come off as negative, but you don't deserve Cristina, the love of your life, whom you seemed to push out of your mind. You treated her like "out of sight, out of mind". The love of my life is in my head every single day and when she was away even the girls that checked me out, I never approached. I can honestly say if I was in your place I'd have pushed her away on the first kiss. Not that I'm saying I'm better, I'm just suggesting you look into it deeper, don't live in the now.


    You need more self control and I know that can't happen overnight, but if you go to eat a cookie or something, try not doing it. Start small and maybe someday you won't take pussy thrown in your face.

    I understand what it's like to have an Ex that you're not over. If my current GF didn't ask me out before my Ex came back in my life, you know what I'd have ruined my current relationship before it started, but it's not worth it. I am sad that you didn't have the "intellect" you like, to see it and use it before you did fucked her.

    I guess I'm coming off as bitter, I don't mean it that way, but I'm trying to tell you how fucked up it is. I don't agree with what you did even slightly, but that doesn't mean she won't, if she knows the history. The reason she probably doesn't care about the past ones, is because it's that the past, whereas her mindset is the future.
     
    Last edited: Nov 10, 2007
  12. Dreams2Reality

    Dreams2Reality saywhat

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    Just got on the phone with Cristina as I opened this thread.. almost choked. >.< I'll post back in a min.
     
  13. 04JETTA

    04JETTA OT Supporter

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    :suspense:
     
  14. dano

    dano OT Supporter

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    Minute's up mister!
     
  15. Dysfnctnl85

    Dysfnctnl85 IT/Apple/Rotary/(D)SLR Crew

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    Alright D2R, let's break this shit down. First, you decided to meet up with you ex. I'm sure your intentions were innocent, but you had to know at the back of your mind that there was a lot of potential for "situations" to arise. And by "situations" I mean opportunities for you to feel like you used to with her. The fact that you rationalized this decision in lieu of protecting the burgeoning relationship you have with Cristina represents a flaw in your thought processes. Be honest, you *had* to know that something could go terribly wrong. You sound like you have a decent head on your shoulders -- you know how girls (mis)behave and you should know how to avoid those situations which jeopardize your other interests.

    Secondly, I think you have to tell Cristina. I don't think it matters if you think you two are in a relationship (in the traditional sense) or not. If you really feel the honesty and trust that you're describing, you should also feel the need to tell her what happened. If you ever want to have a healthy, mature, long-term relationship with Cristina, you MUST have a very strong foundation built on TRUST.

    Lastly, keep your head up. We (as in, the population of young, single males in OTA) are all learning and we all have plenty of time. There's no need to rush into something that could ultimately curb your potential for success in life, no matter what field. I hope that makes sense.

    :hug:
     
  16. 04JETTA

    04JETTA OT Supporter

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  17. Dreams2Reality

    Dreams2Reality saywhat

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    Ughh, what a weekend. Definitely didn't go as well as I thought it would, but, I think it went okay.

    I ended up passing out the second I got off the phone with her, so, sorry for the no-update. Don't hate me.

    Everything was fine, we talked like we normally do, continued upon our "normal" routines. When I saw her yesterday I had this sudden feeling of guilt, this uneasy "wtf am I doing". I couldn't take it. I was ready to rip my brains out through my mouth, it drove me crazy.

    I sat her down on the couch at her place and laid back into the corner of it. The second I sat down, she raced across and cuddled up to me, we were about to watch a movie. She gave me a kiss, asked me whats wrong. I couldn't surface, I couldn't spit it out.

    She kissed me again, told me I was acting uneasy. I had to tell her, I absolutely had to. This fire inside of me was burning, scorching to say the least.

    I turned her around, made her face towards me and started the conversation with the scariest word ever. "Look", I said. I laid it all out for her. Everytime she went to talk, I put my finger across her two lips and just said "Hold on". I didn't want her, for one second, to think I actually wanted what happened, to happen.

    I told her it was time and circumstance. I told her it was the predicament I was put into. I let her know that I didn't go up there with intentions on seeing and hooking up with B, and everything that happened, kind of just happened. I let her know that my emotions, my feelings, my heart was hers, noone elses.

    She looked at me, kind of dissapointed. Hurt would be an understatement, I could tell in her eyes she was really upset with what happened. She stared, dazed into my eyes, put me on a "level" with her.. Made me realize my actions and how I fucked up. That's when it happened.

    She kissed me. Not a peck, not a "I can't wait to get your clothes off" kiss, not a goodbye kiss.. none of that. When she kissed me, I knew it was then and there she was "okay" with what happened.

    Now, I'm not going to lie.. She let me know how bad I fucked up and how I needed to make sure it didn't happen again. She reminded me that we've known eachother for 15+ years and that we're not together.. at least we weren't :):):):):).

    She asked me out. She told me that she had no right "breaking off engagements" with me because we weren't together. But, she did make sure that it'll never happen again. I told her we'd take it slow and live our lives together, because neither of us are really ready to be in a "OMG Marry Me" relationship.

    I love this girl, with all my heart. And I guess sometimes, even as much as it may hurt, honesty will always place you above the rest.

    Learned from my mistakes.. that's for sure.
     
  18. Kirbys Autumn

    Kirbys Autumn Mrs. Kirby McSpic

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    oh wow. I'm really happy everything worked out between you guys!! :big grin:
     
  19. Dreams2Reality

    Dreams2Reality saywhat

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  20. Dysfnctnl85

    Dysfnctnl85 IT/Apple/Rotary/(D)SLR Crew

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    I'm happy that the two of you could handle a situation like this in a mature, adult manner and not resort to throwing away everything you have between you.

    Here's to your continued success :).
     
  21. Dreams2Reality

    Dreams2Reality saywhat

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    Thanks :x:
     
  22. Redneck Shinobi

    Redneck Shinobi Well Jules, the funny thing about my back is that

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    see it wasn't so bad. That's why in my post I wanted you to tell her what you did. Because if you tried to hide that from her you wouldn't deserve her or a life with her. At least you knew what had to be said and what was done. I had a feeling she would forgive you since you weren't official, and it went that way so good for you guys. Don't give in to temptation so easily next time please, I like you and don't want a reason to not lol.
     
  23. Dreams2Reality

    Dreams2Reality saywhat

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    Haha, no more temptation from D2R.. I got my wifey now. :)


    Thanks though, brutal honesty is the best.
     

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