Ok Vag I need some help here....

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by peoplescar, Feb 19, 2010.

  1. peoplescar

    peoplescar Guest

    I'm going to catch so much shit for this, especially from JAO and i'm sorry in advance brobama.

    back story. been with this girl since i was 16... 7 year relationship has been stellar up until about a year ago when i was being pressured for marriage, she changed into a person i didn't love anymore so i broke it off in november. she's stopped giving me shit about marriage and realizes just being with me makes her happier than marriage ever could right now. breaking up pretty much made her realize how great of a boyfriend i really am and that she never wants to lose me again.

    Ok situation is this... Ex girlfriend and I are giving this another chance. we broke up before christmas and started gradually talking to each other again after about 2 months. She realized all the things she had done to push me away and has genuinely made an incredible effort to please me (been miss perfect). I'm on the fence about this whole thing because initially i was thinking that she just was doing whatever it took to get me back. I see now that she's really still in love with me and wants me more than anything.

    We have been seeing each other about once a week. When we are together it goes well and enjoy each others company. Things go great and then during the week when we don't see each other we text through out the day and from things I say to her she gets very angry. I'm trying to work through this from 70 miles away and its just not making me happy. She over-reacts to my questions and comments and says I've become a jerk. I keep telling her she's misenterpretting what i'm telling her because we are texting and not actually with eachother...

    she's been on me about making her my girlfriend again and I'm still not quite ready for that. I told her I'm not interested in anyone else and I'm only interested in figuring out our situation before I do anything. She understands that but id growing impatient. I asked her if she just needed the title or if there was another reason. we are basically together right now so i don't get the problem, like i said we aren't seeing anyone else.

    fast forward to today...

    "this weekend is it Brian, if you don't make me your girlfriend I'm done"

    pretty immature eh, an ultimatum? makes me want to tell her to go fuck herself. I know you all are going to tell me to do just that because its immature and selfish when we've been working hard to make this good again.

    I'm not ready to love her like i used to and the love has changed from lust/ love to love/ friendship/ compassion.

    Worst part is i see myself in 10 years married to her because I know she'll be a great wife and a great mother and I don't want some other shlub to have that because I decided to not take her up on her ultimatum...

    Something i forgot to mention: I'm going to Austria for 9 days starting next Saturday, she thinks without the title we aren't technically together and i will cheat on her.

    :hsd:

    sorry bros and brodettes

    let the flaming begin i'll get my fire blanket... :wtc:


    UPDATE (also posted on page 3)

    ok update lol. well its been like 2 months, i kinda left OT for a while. need to get my head straight with no outside influences. you guys are an influence :rofl:

    anyway yea I gave her the label, we have a great time together and she's really improving on herself as the other half of this relationship.

    BUT.... she is still upset that i was with someone else when we were apart and she told me she thinks about it all the time and can't sleep sometimes because of it. well that prompted a huge argument because she did the same thing.

    the totally fucked up part about it is that i was on my way to getting over her and she then came right back in my life. I feel stressed all the time about it because I don't know what is happening with us in reality. She keeps hinting at whats going to happen when she comes home from school for good in may. Like i better show her some more effort to moving forward with her when that time comes or she is done...

    oh and last night she told me to never talk to her the way i did saturday night when she started this argument. honestly i was so mad at what a hypocrite she was being i just unleashed a fury of insults. it felt good but i guess it wasn't exactly the best thing to do. she said in a text yesterday "there wont be a strike 3"

    threatening me? really? I need to make a decision and i was going to wait til she came home for good in may to make any decisions. we're so close to actually seeing what it will be like to be together. been long distance for a long time.

    I know what she wants and I know what I want and they seem to be very different. she's all i've known and i've know her since we've been 15 years old. we know everything there is to know about each other and that is a very comforting feeling to have to be totally honest.

    side note, i've been going out a lot lately without her because she's away obviously and i'm getting a lot of positive vibes from other women who are interested in getting to know me better. that feels so much more positive than what i'm getting from my pseudo relationship that i'm back into right now.

    -flip
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 24, 2010
  2. peoplescar

    peoplescar Guest

    yeah its been brought up. she had sex with a guy and I had sex with one other chick, hooked up with a couple others but no sex.

    she regretted having sex with the dude. she did it after she found out I did.

    she was emotionally vulnerable. bullshit but w/e its done and i expected that anyway. the girl was devastated. I'm just pissed the guy took advantage of her, he knew her situation and preyed on it.
     
  3. peoplescar

    peoplescar Guest

    oh we fought about it :rofl: but we haven't talked about it since. I told her whatever she did when we were not together is her business. I did the same thing so w/e. I'll forget about it in time. It really doesn't bother me that much but I still think about it once in a while. That wound will only take time. btw it was about a month and a half after we broke up that she did it. she had gone on a couple dates just because she felt like thats what she should have done.

    to the bolded: yeah, but I love her and I don't see anything wrong with giving something another shot.

    none of the women i've met compare to this girl in any way though. she's going to be a doctor of PT, has a solid head on her shoulders academically, and knows exactly what she wants. she's 21 and immature emotionally, but she is more mature than all the other women i know or have met.
     
  4. BlazinBlazer Guy

    BlazinBlazer Guy Witness to The De-Evolution of Mankind.

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    "Well I guess you're done, then, aren't you?"

    .
     
  5. peoplescar

    peoplescar Guest

    what
     
  6. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    stop buying the bullshit. shes a big girl. shes the dumbass that went out and did something she would regret to get even with you.


    but more to your point.... you obviously cant expect her to wait forever, and while you want more time, you cant expect her not to get frustrated. you might as well pull the trigger since its just a title anyway. you are probably only holding out on her out of latent anger over her pressuring you so much before and now pressuring you again. Shes a dumbass, but whats shes doing is very normal behavior for women unfortunately.
     
  7. Deborah

    Deborah Seeing is believing, but I don't want to know.

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    :werd:

    What kind of things did you say in texts that made her angry?
     
  8. peoplescar

    peoplescar Guest

    this is exactly what i'm thinking. If it ends down the road it will hurt just as much then as it would right now just because i'm being hesitant.

    nothing having to do with when we were apart. she's very stressed with school right now and i think the things i'm saying are frustrating her beyond what she should be. She says i'm being a jerk to her... but over texts its a lot different than when we are together. I always joke with her and when i do it over texts it hits her nerve. she can't see me laugh or smile over texts and she then just gets upset.

    see the bolded in my original post which may change your feelings...
     
  9. Diesel66

    Diesel66 My standards for women is like rent-a-centers stan OT Supporter

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    not really. She gave you her feelings months ago, she wants to get married. It's been 7 years (now ok you two are young but.....)it's 7 YEARS.


    There's no playing games anymore.
     
  10. peoplescar

    peoplescar Guest

    we've been long distance for 5 of those years and being together in the summer. she still has 2 years left of school and neither of us has any money.
     
  11. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    What do you REALLY want to do man?

    I'm not asking you what you think you SHOULD do...that's a bunch of pretentious bullshit.

    I'm not asking you if she'd make a great wife...because, well, who gives a fuck?

    I'm not asking you what your friends think you should do...because they aren't in the relationship.

    I'm not asking if you have the money to get married...because marriage can happen at any time.

    I'm asking you, pure and simple, to reach down inside your gut...cut away all the excuses, the bullshit, and your reasonings, and tell me what you WANT, truly WANT, to do?

    Because it does not sound AT ALL (not even a little bit) like you want to be with this girl. It sounds like you stay with her out of obligation, because of your twisted ideals that you think she'd make a good wife, and the simple fact that you've been together for 7 years and she was probably your first real girlfirend/long term relationship.

    That's what it sounds like to me. I'm just curious if you are able to reach past all the bullshit your spewing and see the truth for yourself or not.
     
  12. Deborah

    Deborah Seeing is believing, but I don't want to know.

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    Yeah, I understand why she is upset. I mean if you really are not seeing anyone and aren't planning to do it either,then why are you so afraid of the title?
     
  13. BlazinBlazer Guy

    BlazinBlazer Guy Witness to The De-Evolution of Mankind.

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    That should be your response to her. She says "this weekend or I'm done", you say "I guess you're done then, aren't you?"

    :hsugh:
     
  14. peoplescar

    peoplescar Guest

    Is not knowing an answer? I love her but not the way I used to. I also know she's a great person who I can see myself with. Pure and simple... I need more time with her to know because right now I don't know.

    Yeah i keep telling myself this. we've been pretty happy lately though, but that doesn't last forever.

    Because it won't be like it was before when we were together. we'll still have this "trying to work it out" feeling between us.
     
  15. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    still 7 years man....

    have a little sympathy. Girls don't have as many peak years as men.
     
  16. peoplescar

    peoplescar Guest

    what do you mean by that? peak years to meet someone?
     
  17. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    :bowrofl:

    Man, if you were really that keen on getting back together with her, you'd have done it already. I mean you're fighting this hard over a label when you're already exclusive? That says to me that you're not really feeling it.

    You know how I feel about exs. I think it's a bad idea and nothing about your particular situation makes it seem any better. But I'm going to go beyond my normal advice and tell you this:

    If you actually want this to work you need to stop holding back, jump into the relationship heart first, and start seeing a couples counselor with her. I still think it's gonna fail, but that's the only thing that will give you guys even the slightest chance of fixing things in my opinion. Anything less and I guarantee it will fail.

    But again, save yourself the heartache and just end things now.
     
  18. peoplescar

    peoplescar Guest

    ^ :werd:

    like i've said before, i never had to go through this before and i'm a firm believer that if both people want to work things out they will.
     
  19. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    yes.

    by 30 its already getting much harder for a woman to compete with 25 year olds. For a guy when you are 35, you can still get 25 year olds no problem, so why would you pick a 35 year old when you can get a 25 year old?

    by the time a woman hits 35 or so, its gone from "the world is my oyster" to a "a few more years and i will be completely invisible to men who aren't on social security already"
     
  20. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    that couldn't be further from the truth.

    want/hope/wish/shoulda/woulda/coulda

    make it happen or don't.
     
  21. just_another_on

    just_another_on New Member

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    :hs:

    I've said really all I can say about the topic.

    What I fear is this 'change' you see is something like a honeymoon period with new couples. You told her why the two of you didnt work when you broke up. Now shes 'changing' in order to be 'what you want', but its really not what SHE wants. Her calling you a jerk and saying you've changed is exactly that, you HAVE changed.

    Since the break up you realized what happened and how she played you along like a fiddle. Having you believe/feel you were wrong in situations, giving you guilt trips, etc. Its not you being a 'jerk' its you growing up and realizing the shit you HAVE been through and knowing what you DONT WANT to go through again.

    You're going to give it a chance again regardless of what any of us tell you, just dont get yourself too attached too quick. Give the relationship plenty of distance and make sure you stand your ground. Dont be the 'nice guy', but instead be who you are now, the 'jerk' (in her opinion) because you've experienced and learned what you do, and dont want to go through.


    Just dont get walked over.
     
  22. peoplescar

    peoplescar Guest

    ^ exactly what i'm trying to do. its amazing how much power she has over my emotions. she gets upset when i say/ do something and i immediately wonder what i did wrong and feel that she is right for being upset when in fact i don't feel bad about it at all...
     
  23. Amanda Ann

    Amanda Ann New Member

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    I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Being stressed with school is NOT an excuse to lash out on someone you care about. I understand she's in a DPT program.. I'm in the third year of a very draining, challenging clinical program myself and I have never once taken out all the stress it's laid on me on ANYONE. Take that stress to the gym!

    You argue that she has a good head on her shoulders, and I don't disagree with that, BUT someone with a good head on her shoulders would NOT give you an ultimatum like that (you said it, emotionally immature).

    I agree with everyone else that you're slipping back into your routine with her as a comfort thing. You still love her, it's been 7 years for pete's sake, but I doubt that you're IN love with her - and that's what matters. If you were in love with her and knew you wanted to 110% get back together with her, there would be no hesitation on your end.

    You may or may not follow our advice, and that's fine, but at least take it with a grain of salt.. :hs:
     
  24. just_another_on

    just_another_on New Member

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    :hs:

    Dont let that happen.
     
  25. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    every relationship you have will be a disaster until you fix this.

    People will always be happy to play the victim if you reward them for it.
     

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