ok, so now wtf do I do about this?

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by GaveUp, Jul 2, 2006.

  1. GaveUp

    GaveUp New Member

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    erm, I really don't have a way to make this any shorter so bear with me.

    Back story:
    Me and this girl I knew in high school (about 3-4 years ago, and she had a huge crush on me. which I never acted on) started talking again. We hung out, and it was obvious that there was still a complete attraction. Things with us picked up and progressed and we were pretty doing everything an average couple does after a month or so. It was great, but she still wanted to be single and wasn't looking for any type of relationship, which I respected and left alone. But as time passed and we were basically together (Staying at each others houses, and leaving clothes/toiletries etc.) so I didn't question it, and it didn't really bother me.

    Then I started to fall for her, as did she. You know, the "I love you"'s started coming into play and the such...which I was all for (and she did say it first, for whatever that is worth). Things were going well, and then she decided she wanted to slow things down and stop with all the sex and everything else with it. So that worked out well, meaning we were still together all the time and cuddling and all that crap, just backing off a little.

    Then I started letting my mind wander and started wondering what was really going on. It was like she just turned off her feelings with a switch and left me there basically obsessed over her still very much in love. It got to the point where I left her house upset with the situation every night, and just genuinely hurt. So, I decided I basically needed to tell her I can't talk to her anymore because it was just tearing me apart, which at the time I thought that was what I needed: Time apart.

    So that lasted about a month, and then we started to talk again. Purely friends, doing friend type stuff. Keeping hanging out down to a maximum of once or twice a week. But lately, we have been hanging out more and more and it just feels right again. She would write shit like "her <3's me" on paper and leave it in my car so I would see it later. So a couple of nights ago we grab some drinks and watch a movie at her house. And with the aid of alcohol driving me, I basically told her all of my feelings for her and that I just like being around her. I can't say why, but just being within 10 feet from her makes me happy (and lately, I haven't been too chipper with life. lol emo). We had the talk and she tells me it is hard for her to get close to guys like that (previous relationship fucked her up), which is understandable and all, but I'm not her ex that fucked her up and I shouldn't be punished for it.

    So seemingly the results for that night was she basically laid it out that while she was in love with me at one point, she isn't now, and still wants to be my friend and all of that crap. And I told her, I can be her friend, but I can't help my feelings for her, and I'm not sure if that can change. And I just can't help the vibe I get from her, like there may still be something there but she is holding back. So we go to sleep (in her bed) and I wake up with her in my arms (not really knowing wtf is going on).

    We are still talking as we normally do (at least 2-3 times a day), but I am just confused on what to do. Part of me thinks I should just go into it being her friend and if something happens, then it does. The part of me says while she is a good friend and means a fuckton to me, I should just back FAR away to save myself any more mental pain this could cause me.

    and before it gets asked; I am 24 and she is 21. I have really only had serious relationships (2, 2+ years each), and she well, has only had 1 fucked up one and a lot of playing around.

    So what the hell do I do with this? ( and thank you for reading :bowdown: )
     
    Last edited: Jul 2, 2006
  2. Cthalupa

    Cthalupa New Member

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    If you couldn't make it shorter, you could at least have put the font in a readable color.
     
  3. GaveUp

    GaveUp New Member

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    er?

    Looks fine here, I didn't change the font color at all?!?!?!
     
  4. Pseudonym

    Pseudonym --

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    im not an expert by any means, and there will probably be better answers coming, but i think that you're only going to get hurt by sticking around with her. As you already told her you have no real control on how you feel about her, and being around her will only induce this feeling, until eventually you love her again, and she doesn't love you back.

    when you get into a situation like that when each side has a different idea of what they want in a relationship, bad things are going to happen, and she is going to break your heart.

    i think you should just tell her that you loved being with her, but now, the two of you have different needs, and break it off clean before you get hurt
     
  5. Solus Emsu

    Solus Emsu ****** U N R A T E D ! ****** -----THAT'S HOW I RO

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    I don't think there is a guy that hasn't been in this situation or that won't eventually be in this situation.
    I can tell that by the fact that you have only been in relationships in the past, you fall in love easily. You like to care for someone. It's natural.
    The bad side to this is, the Deacon Effect. She doesn't want someone to care for her and love her, she wants the challenge. She wants the guy who is mysterious, who is dangerous, who needs changing. The fact is that women don't want prince charming and a knight in shining armor anymore. They want the outlaw, the exciting guy, the guy that is all wrong for her that she wants to change into Mr. Right.

    The fact of the matter is...you are too easy. She knows that you care for her, that you will be there for her, and that she can come back to you any time she wants. For her, it is more exciting to create drama of keeping you as a friend.

    You see. Women don't care if they walk on you when they know when they come back, you will still come back to her wet nosed and tail wagging. And she is walking all over you and taking your kindness for granted.


    Now on to the second part.
    You CAN control how you feel. It is a matter of choice. Falling in love and not falling in love is like smoking and quitting smoking. It's all a matter of will power and making the choice to remove yourself away from it, cold turkey. If you try to gradually do it, you won't quit. You have to cut yourself off from it completely. So if you really say to yourself "I am not going to continue allowing myself to get hurt", and you cut yourself off from her, you can quit this habit and stop hurting yourself.

    I wish the best of luck to you.
     
  6. Homeless

    Homeless New Member

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    I don't mean to intrude on your topic, but i'm currently going through something similar and Solus pretty much just said the best thing i've ever heard.
     
  7. darnit

    darnit New Member

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    What do you want out of life right now? Do you want a life long partner? Do you feel that "the one " only comes along once? You do understand that you can have that same feeling about "things being right" around a person, and not be in love with that same person?
    If we were buds, I would say" Dude, lets go out, have some fun, get laid by some strange, and call it a good life!!".
    She doesnt want the same things out of your realtionship as you do. Thats fine, she has her reasons for her stance, just as you have yours. Respect hers, and go look for yours. Its ok to feeel hurt that it didnt work out. If we didnt have the lows in life , how can we judge the highs?
    Ok, and to handle her questions when she ask"how come we dont hang out as often?".
    Answer: We wanted somethings completly different out of this, we can still be friends though, it's just I feel I need to find someone that may want to return the feeling I may develop for them. I want to be in a realtionship where it's a two way street, and both people know they want to drive down that street.
    But these are just my opinions.
     
  8. Bruticus

    Bruticus half dead OT Supporter

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    Read what Solus said.

    Don't be her friend. Don't talk to her. It will only bring you pain. Do your own thing, date a few new women, be hard to get.
     
  9. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    You made one mistake, but it was pretty much fatal, in my opinion. And yes, we've all gone through it...

    This "spill the guts" thing that guys do is the kiss of death. Women don't want some guy to blurt out all their feelings, emotions, and profess their undyling love for her. As mentioned, they want a challenge in a man. Women respect a man who has more self control than that, a man who holds himself together and is fun to be with. All this pity and depression and serious stuff drives a woman away.

    It's a spoiler of sorts - it takes away all the mystery of the future.

    Think about it like this: You're ten minutes into watching a movie, and whoever you're with starts telling you what is going to happen next, and at the 15 minute mark they tell you the complete end of the story. :ugh: They have just ruined the movie for you.

    If you, as a guy, break down and tell your woman how much you love her and will never leave her, especially in a drunken mode, you've just ruined her romance mystery.

    So what DO you do? Well, for one, shut your mouth! The less you talk, the longer you will last. You need to understand that you can SHOW your woman how you care for her simply by being in control of yourself, being fun to be with, and not being a drama queen. You mentioned that you always left her house upset? Why? Because you were bringing up serious topics or something? Whatever it was, it made YOU not fun to be with.

    Think about it. If some guy friend of yours came over and hung out with you, but was always upset, telling you what a great friend you were, and how he'd do anything to remain friends with you, and all that stuff, wouldn't you be a little weirded out? I know I would. I want friends who are just fun to hang out with. I fucking hate "therapy" relationships of any type. (Note: This is not to say you don't ever help people, just don't get stuck being that person who always needs help! "Therapy", in my opinion, is necessary in most relationships, but should only be about 1% of the time you spend together. Be fun to be with!)

    So what do you do now? Well, shut the fuck up. Stop telling her how stong your feelings for her are. Hang out with her a little LESS, and just have fun. Be seen with some other women, or start being "busy" when she calls. Tell her you have a guest over and will call her later. Basically, take some time and get your head straight. Make her think you have a life, and that you were just drunk. Your actions will dictate how she feels for you, especially if they are out of line with what you said.

    I dunno if you can save this. Personally, I have found that the whole "spill your guts" thing is really a killer. It made you look very immature, and women generally want a mature man who will take care of them, not some crying little boy that they have to take care of. So, in that regards, she's just acting naturally - she sees you as unqualified to be a mature adult partner.

    Next time you have to spill your guts, call some guy friend and tell him. Let him beat some sense into you, and then go out and have a good time with your woman when you are in a GOOD mood.

    Funny thing? This was the topic of the FIRST article I ever wrote on my site:

    http://www.friendzoned.com/forums/showthread.php?t=1

    Go read it, it has some more info you might find helpful.
     
  10. ptlb

    ptlb New Member

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    you are hoping for something to happen.... :nono: tsk tsk
    hope... it will lead to deception and this deception will only hurt you :o
    so dude... just stay away from her, cut her out of your life... you dont need this kind of drama!!!
     
  11. 420

    420 "No, officer, I wasn't street racing..."

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    As your boss, I'm here to say the answer to all things in life, the universe, and everything is not 42, but "Work more" ;)

    As your friend, I'll tell you the same thing I've told you all along: Stop wasting your time. Move on, and if she has any interest at all, she'll let you know.

    So, that said... go work more :)
     
  12. LikkleBaer

    LikkleBaer New Member

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    Eh, I dunno - women are both more complicated and more simple than we tend to think. If a woman tells you she just wants to be friends she usually thinks she means it, but that doesn't mean you can't change her mind. Emotions are like the weather: subject to change.

    If you really love her, be her friend... but be clear that there is a line she can't cross as your friend. If she wants more then she's going to have to take the emotional risk of loving you. My guess is that she was horribly hurt by what happened before and doesn't trust you not to change your mind. The fact that she wants and values your friendship is an indication of the depth of her feelings for you, but that doesn't mean that things will end up working out.

    Worry less, make time for yourself, and remember to have fun.
     

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